If your child is invited on a pretty spectacular playdate, along the lines of “Our family is going away for the weekend to stay at a cool place and do cool things, and we invite your child to come with us”—do you do…anything? I mean, if Elizabeth’s friend invites her to a movie, I get anxious because I think, Do we pay for her ticket? do we send money for snacks? (I usually go with no and yes, respectively, but it’s a guess.) When the event is something MUCH MORE than that, I am proportionately more anxious about it—though also less anxious, because I don’t even know what the options are, the way I do with movies. I think I probably need to make it clearer what’s involved. It’s not like a trip to Disney. It’s more like a trip to a family-owned vacation house, with outings for mini-golf and ice cream cones and dinner out.
So that is the first question: Do you do ANYTHING different, or, if this hasn’t come up before, do you think you WOULD do anything different?
And I guess the second question is: What are the options, if any?
For example, I wondered if I should send money for them to order take-out one night. But maybe they already have dinner plans, and that would kind of mess it up.
I could say the money was for “a treat—pizza or ice cream or something,” and let them decide. But is it kind of awkward to hand someone a lump of cash? It seems a little awkward. And how MUCH cash. And I don’t want her to think that if we do something with HER child, we expect to receive a lump of cash. But I think it’s safe to say that we are not going to do anything reciprocal here, so perhaps it will not come up.
Are there LESS awkward things I could do?
I haven’t been in this situation yet because my daughter is too young, but if it were like “go to an amusement park” or something I would casually ask “how much are tickets?” before agreeing to let the kid go. If they give you a number, you drop kid off with that much money plus a small amount for a souvenir/snacks. If they don’t give you a number, it’s clear they don’t expect you to pay, in which case I would still send a little for a souvenir/snacks.
If it’s not ticket-oriented (like, going up to their cottage on the lake where they’ll be canoeing and swimming and roasting marshmallows) then I would assume all meals would be paid for…but I would still send a little for a souvenir/snacks.
If I were the other parent in this situation, and I invited my kid’s friend to come along on a trip, I would assume I was paying for everything for them. Except toys. I’m not buying another kid toys.
I’m not sure if this helps because I haven’t actually been in this situation, but those are my thoughts. So there.
Agreed. If you were so inclined, you could also send along some homemade baking like a container of cookies or something.
Because I grew up ostensibly as an only child (much older siblings), I often was allowed to invite friends along on several-day-long trips, and my parents always paid for everything for the friend. I don’t remember my friends ever offering parent-sent money to pay for anything.
I say treat it like a sleepover. D is an only child, and we’ve invited a friend along so she will have someone to go on rides with, hang with, etc. We cover whatever costs arise. It’s always nice if the child has some spending money in case there is a gift shop or candy store; they then have that limit imposed on them. I pay for all meals and tickets, etc. I might spring for a t-shirt if mine is getting one, too. I just think of it as being a guest and let the invitation cover the expectation.
I have had this very situation, where my daughter is regularly invited to spend the weekend at another family’s vacation home, and I usually send her with a little cash ($20 or so, plus she has money of her own) in case they do something outside the house and she wants to buy snacks or a treat. I am certain that were she to offer to pay for dinner or an outing, they would both refuse and be slightly insulted. Similarly, her friend comes along with us on outings from time to time, and always has cash and offers to pay for herself, and I always refuse.
This same family has invited my daughter to go with them next summer on a much more extravagant vacation, and I plan to pay for her airfare (already discussed that with her dad) plus send more cash with her to pay for her own snacks & souvenirs. Also she will have to write a very nice thank you note when they come back.
I haven’t had this situation come up as a parent, either, but I was the child being invited to spend the weekend at a friend’s family lakehouse.
I would send a small amount of spending money, in case there are trips into town where the child might want to buy something. I think you’re safe assuming everything else if paid for. I know the times I went, it was clear even as a child that the trip was more fun for everyone if the family child had a friend to play with during the weekend. :)
If it’s worrying you, though, you might say something along the lines of “Child is so excited about ! Can I cover pizza night or anything?” If they agree, you can give them something like a visa gift card instead of a wad of cash. If not, you can rest assured that the extra cost of having your child along is worth it to them.
Monica’s comment above about the amusement park reminded me: a few years ago another friend invited my younger daughter to go with her and her dad to a local waterpark that same day. I was already at work, so I told the dad to buy my daughter’s ticket and I’d pay him back later. Instead of just buying her a regular ticket, he bought her a season pass which was twice as expensive–about $80! I was SO MAD. I paid him back, but I knew that we wouldn’t use the pass again because it was late in the season and I didn’t want to shell out MORE money for the rest of our family to go to a waterpark that none of us really like.
I’m still irritated about that one.
oohhh, I’d be irritated too.
I wonder whether you could use ignorance as a cover here. For example: Gosh it is really so nice of you to take B to the lakehouse with you, and he/she is so excited. Could I cover any of the expenses, pay for gas, offer to buy dinner one night? I want to make sure B isn’t a burden. If they say no to extra cash, I might consider dropping off a bottle of wine for the parents when I pick the kid up
Then you can send the child with a bit of pocket money for running around with, and what ever the parents agree to, take. (you could even do a little internet research on price of putt putt, other potential outings, and make sure that child has money for them.)
That sounds perfect! I say you do that, Swistle :)
When I was in my early teens I used to go across the country to stay with relatives at a beach house for a few weeks. I think it was pretty much assumed that they would cover most expenses, but my mom sent me with a bunch of cash to pay for any incidentals (snacks or souvenirs, stuff like that) and then I could offer to pay for things as they came up (though they usually said not to worry about it).
The things I’ve invited kids to or that my son has been invited to have been day trips, nothing overnight, but if we invite someone to come along I expect to pay for the activity. My son is an only, so we took a friend when we went to Kings Island and paid for his ticket, fast pass and lunch.
I like G’s and Sarah’s advice of casually asking. You can ask what all she’ll need to pack for the weekend and how much money they think she’ll need.
Yes! When it’s lumped in with other ‘preparation’ type questions, it leaves things really open-ended as to at the other family’s expectations are, and then they’re the ones who get to set the tone. I agree that an invitation like this should cover all of the ‘main’ expenses (food, outing tickets, etc.), but this is a good way to suss out whether they have different expectations. I also like the thank-you note afterwards and the cookies with the kid or bottle of wine when picking them up.
I was the kid who went along on two of these kinds of vacations, and I think I had some spending money for incidentals, but it was treated as my being a kid in the family – if they bought snacks for everyone, I was included in that. If their kids were expected to pony up the cash (crappy t-shirts, etc.), then I was too. But we didn’t do anything along the lines of the cookies or thank-you notes and, in retrospect, I wish we (I) would have.
My kids have been invited on day/weekend trips with other families. They go to the zoo/museum/movies, etc. I have always offered or sent money along with my kid, but it has never been used. And in the same situation, if we invite, I always plan on covering the extra child’s costs. Being a parent of 5, we rarely have extra kids come along, so my only worry is do these families think bad if there is never reciprocation??? Most of these friends are only children, so I can see how it would be nice to have someone along to play with their child and make it fun. Five kids is usually enough fun for me on outings! :)
My brothers were grown and out of the house when I was growing up, so I was basically an only child. My parents wanted me to have someone to hang with on weekend trips, etc., so I always got to invite friends along. My parents always paid for gas, food, accommodations, etc. They never expected money from my friend’s parents.
I feel if it’s a weekend-type invite, your daughter is one of the family for the weekend. And that’s totally how the other kid’s parents see it too. Send a little spending money and that’s it.
If you know they’re going to attend several attractions? Send a bit more money to cover costs.
My kids are too young to have done this themselves, but when I was in middle school I was in the position of being the child invited along on a weekend away at the family’s vacation home. We didn’t do much in town, except go out for ice cream once and go to the store for supplies, so there wasn’t much in the way of additional expenses to cover. But I remember taking along a little cash, say $25 or so as just in case money. I also remember my mother giving the other parents some money for gas, it was quite a few hours away.
And I don’t ever remember feeling like a burden, just a much wanted guest, my friend had a much older sister who was away at college, so my presence was the gift to the parents :)
I would suggest just offering up front with a “Thank you again for inviting Elizabeth to stay for the weekend, she is very excited. I would like to pay for gas or treat everyone to ice cream while you are there.” If they say no, I second the bottle of wine recommendation and then just send Elizabeth with some spending money and think of it as an extended overnight.
Personally, this kind of thing is always awkward, so I would just lessen the awkward feelings for myself by making sure I offered, and then wait as the gross feeling gradually, but never completely, fades away ;)
My parents always let us take friends everywhere and they were just included in whatever our family was doing with no expectations that they would pay for it themselves. We even took friends on vacation sometimes. I loved it.
What about a batch of cookies or brownies? A late Night snack for everyone to enjoy!
I agree with everyone saying, “Elizabeth is so excited! I plan to send some spending money with her- will she need extra for anything else?” I don’t think they intend for you to guess what expenses might be, either they’ll cover it or you’ll ask and they can demure or let you.
I was on the other side of this as a kid. We were going someplace with room for four kids, but there were only three kids, so each year my parents let us invite a friend. I don’t think my parents expected anything of the other parent at all. It was mainly a treat for each kid to have some vacation time with a friend.
us = one of us, a different child each year.
So my daughter is 21 (WHAT?), but she is an only child and we did LOTS of play dates. When we invited another child to something that costs money, I never expected the parents to pay for anything. We were the hosts, we invited them-I felt like we should cover all costs. I did used to have kids try and give me money, and I would say “no, this is our treat, give that back to your parents.”. Truly, as the parent asking…it is a gift to have someone along for your child, and we were happy to pay any expenses.
It does sound like a consensus, but honestly-I wouldn’t even send the child with “spending money”. I used to worry the kids would lose it, or forget to give it back to their parents. If your child is invited, feel free to assume all expenses are covered. I really don’t think the world has changed that much :)
Gotta run…I say no money. You could make a batch of cookies for her to bring and share?
We have taken kids with us on vacation, and I absolutely don’t expect anything. The one we’ve taken the most often, the mom makes a big batch of cookies to send for us all to share, and that’s appreciated. Some of the others have brought their own money in case we stop for ice cream or something, but I don’t expect them to, and would buy them ice cream if they didn’t have any or ran out. To me, if you invite someone, you expect to pay their admission and/or feed them. I wouldn’t be offended if the parent offered me money, but I wouldn’t accept it. Be complimented that your kid is nice enough that they get asked, I don’t invite obnoxious kids to go on vacation with me.
Oh yes, I agree with what is written here. When I was in High School my parents let me bring a friend on a two week vacation! They didn’t expect her to pay for anything. She did bring a little money for souvenirs because this was high school after all, but other than that nothing. We had a blast (I was the youngest and it was the first year that neither my brother or sister were able to come). And it didn’t really cost much more for my parents anyway to add one kid.
We had this situation both ways this summer. My daughter stayed for a few days with friends at the end of their vacation and my daughter also brought a different friend to the beach with us for a week. When my daughter was the guest it was a little odd because our friends and my MIL have vacation cottages near each other in Canada and we live in the US. My MIL had my daughter at her cottage so for a few days and then dropped her off with our friends who kept her for a few days and drove her home. My daughter forgot her Canadian money and so I asked my MIL to send her with some money but I am not sure if she did. My daughter didn’t really need it because they did not go anywhere but as a thank you after the fact I had my daughter write them a note and we sent it with a gift card to a local family friendly restaurant so they could enjoy a meal when they were at home. They seemed to really like it. The child we took on vacation came with money for souvenirs and some money for a casual pizza and ice cream dinner for everyone. This was appreciated but not necessary. We invited her with the expectation we would be paying for an extra child for everything.
When I was a kid, this came up.
We went to a beach town for a week every summer, and one year my parents agreed for me to bring a friend. I asked my friend, and her parents said no, but we just thought they were being polite, so my mom allowed me and my sisters to go make our case.
It worked and my friend got to come. Her parents sent her with money to pay for a meal, which my parents thought was a nice thing. (It was about the amount my parents would send with me if I went on a trip with another family – they would have felt uncomfortable with more because she was a child guest). It would have been fine if they hadn’t sent anything at all, my parents wouldn’t have noticed.
I think having my friend there made the trip easier for my parents. She was/is a very polite person, so that caused me and my middle sister to up our politeness to match, and they then had 3 babysitting aged kids to watch my youngest sister and cousins.
I have no kids of my own, but when I did things like this growing up my parents would always give ME a wad of cash and tell me to offer to pay for dinner, movie tickets, or something similar the first time the opportunity presented itself. I was expected to bring back change after the trip, so I wasn’t tempted to just spend it all on myself. (I’d usually have a separate budget for souvenirs and whatnot.) This might not work for your particular child–in fact the first time my parents had me do this I got super shy about offering to pay and ended up giving all the money back to my mom–but it does help to get around the awkwardness of saying, “Uhhh, here’s a huge wad of cash…”
My best friend came on all family outings when I was young. Mom said with one child she never got a minute’s peace, but with two, she barely saw us, so it was better for her. She paid all expenses, but it was never much as we were usually at an isolated campground, nearest store of any kind was 20 minutes away.
Mine have been invited places and I would always ask how much they would need to cover her tickets, etc., but it was always covered, so I just sent spending money. One went to Florida for a week with her friend. I didn’t worry about the hotel or gas as they were paying that regardless if mine went or not. I asked how much she needed for tickets and things like that, they said don’t worry about it. I gave them $100 towards her food and $100 towards expenses, including some for her spending money and it was appreciated but not expected.
I started by reading all the comments and then switched to skimming and then just scrolled to the bottom to add my agreement. If I invited a child for a weekend trip, I would understand that it means I will absorb extra costs for meals and what have you. I like the suggestion that you give your child some pocket money, and I think a hostess gift of some sort would be nice (wine or chocolates or something), and then a thank-you note after, from your child. If you still feel anxious, I like the “This will be so fun! Can I offer to buy you all pizza one night?” or the better phrasing of that that someone already suggested would work, because the family will either say, “Oh, that would be so nice” or “Oh, no need!” and your mind would be at ease. Although if they do accept your pizza offer, I’d skip the hostess gift.
At any rate, it seems like everyone here is in agreement that they do not expect you to pay for stuff, your child is an invited guest.
I’ve also been on both sides as an adult and as a child, so I agree with the consensus that the inviting family is fully prepared and willing to assume all the costs of their guest. When Erica is invited somewhere with a family, I usually say something like “Oh, how nice! We’ve never been there, how much will Erica’s ticket be?” and the other parent says “Oh, don’t worry about that at all, it’s on us!” When Erica is the inviter, and I call the parent to set up the logistics, they say something like “Should she bring anything?” and I say “Not a thing! We’re so excited to have her!” and then you give the kid forty bucks or so and they’ll have enough money on them that they can offer to buy their own ice cream or whatever, so the other parent feels like the kid is polite and well-raised, but I sincerely doubt they’ll let the kid pay for anything–I wouldn’t. If I’m planning to invite another kid along, I budget for twice to three times as much as I would have budgeted just for Erica, under the assumption that the kids might egg each other on about souvenirs–like they might want matching t-shirts or hats, and I would pay for both kids in that situation, but personal souvenirs would be their responsibility. And to me it’s just obvious that if you are taking on another kid for a time period that involves meals and sleeping, you see to those needs just as you would for your kid.
Oh, and I forgot to add–as far as reciprocation goes. I truly doubt they are expecting you to reciprocate. I have never expected it from the parents of the kids Erica has invited places. But if you really feel like you have to do something, maybe invite that kid to a sleepover on a weekend when you guys are planning something fun, like a trip to the froyo place or lunch at a fifties diner, or walking around a cool local park, or hiking or whatever is the thing your area is known for. Or, with Halloween being on a Saturday this year, you invite that kid for Halloween weekend, buy an extra pumpkin and the supplies to make caramel apples, and have a little fall festival. One more kid isn’t going to add that much expense to that sort of outing. You don’t have to reciprocate to the same degree–the hospitality is the important part.
Yes, if I bring a friend with one of my kids I just pay for everything and never think about it. My oldest daughter was invited to see a Disney on Ice show with a neighbor and I sent her with $20 in case she wanted to buy a treat. The Dad dropped her off and gave back the money, he said his inlaws took them and treated all the girls so I was glad I sent it but it made sense how he didn’t use it. I really, really like the idea of baked goods, especially as they are going to a cabin like situation, it seems perfect! You could put a note with the cookies or whatever and thank them for inviting E, saying how excited she was, etc., and that you hope they’ll enjoy the treat, oh and I am enclosing $20 in case you all go for ice cream or whatever. Then you don’t have to talk about it, you acknowledge that it’s so nice for E to be invited, and you include a treat. This is all making me wish someone would take one of my kids somewhere over night, ha!
Agreeing with the general consensus here that the other parents are willing to pay for it all and that it is an absolute gift to have a friend for a single kiddo. They don’t have siblings to interact and play with, so having a friend along actually gives the adults a break! It is lovely.
That said: if you do want to send something, I suggest a batch of cookies and bottle of wine as suggested above, and perhaps a craft or game that the girls could play (new puzzle, coloring book, friendship bracelets, I don’t know what older kids do these days but something that does not require adult supervision). The idea is that when the parents need quiet time, they break out the activity and cookies and wine and that’s a nice evening or such.
My daughter got invited to something like this. I think she was still 9 and it was a few nights away at her friends’ grandma’s cabin, with the friends’ family. I didn’t even think to send money and I think that was ok. They did eat out and even get some crafts at a cheap store. We did have our daughter write a nice thank you note – I think?!
I did have a friend/acquaintance ask me to babysit their child once, at short notice and I already had plans to take my kids to the movies that day, since it was $5 ticket day. In that case, the Mom offered to pay for her child’s ticket and some snacks for her child. And I did accept, seeing as I was already spending $20 on the tickets for my own kids and myself. I did give her the change back from the snacks though. That wasn’t really a playdate situation though.
I’m on the other side of this one – I’ve got an only child and we invite other kids along for weekends at the cottage. In one case, a whole week. I assume that I’ve basically adopted an extra kid for the weekend and I’m totally responsible for costs of whatever activities we’re doing, and I’ve definitely got the whole food thing planned out – and if I’m inviting your child for a whole weekend, I already know them well enough to know what food they love or hate. Sending them with a very small amount of spending money would be fine, and sending a few snacks is also fine, but I generally feel that I’m getting the way better end of the bargain – my only child gets at least a temporary experience of having a sibling.
I was going to say what everyone else has already said, that one can assume that the other family is taking on any expenses incurred on your child’s behalf (though if it’s not terrible awkward, I think it’s fine to say “She’s so excited — should I send along any money for activities?”). But I would also give her some pocket money, and I’d send along baked goods and/or a bottle of wine as a thank you. And of course have the child write a thank you note afterward.
I’m the eldest grandchild on one side of my family, closer to age to my youngest uncle than my mom. I’m basically the age of a “cool aunt” for one of my cousins. For Christmas for the last three years, I’ve gotten her a plane ticket to visit for a week. We assume that we are paying for all of her activities while she is here. my aunt and uncle sent her with spending money. The first year, she was likely the age that Elizabeth is. My uncle called me and told me that they were sending my cousin up with spending money, but asked that I hold on to it and use it as I liked for meals and things. She went home with all of the money minus the amount she spent on a souvenir. If Elizabeth will lose the spending money, you could use this approach.
I really like the baked goods and small activity idea. You could even do a movie and snack basket, a DVD you know the kids like, some popcorn, chips, milk duds. I personally don’t drink wine so unless you know these parents do, I wouldn’t suggest that. I think sending the kid with $20 for ice cream or a souvenir is fine, surely they wouldn’t invite with the expectation of you paying.
I went to the lake with my BFFs family all the time in high school and I have absolutely no idea if my parents gave them anything. I think they probably gave me a little money, but my friend’s parents paid fir meals as far as I recall.
I always pay for everything for the child that’s joining us.
The same happens when my child joins another family (exception – plane tickets).
I’m super behind on my blog feed, but when my kids are invited to the movies I expect to pay for the ticket and send money for snacks. For a bigger weekend, I may send money for pizza or something but I actually feel less inclined to give money because I think that the cost of the friend (my child) is built into their perception of the cost of the trip. It would be for me if we invited one of the kids’ friends with us somewhere. I’m feeding my children anyhow, so there’s one more child mouth. Let’s go get pizza.