I’m not sure how long ago it was, but it was probably about 15-18 years ago, and here is what happened. I was driving along in my neighborhood, and the guy behind me was acting really aggressive: tailgating and also doing that thing where someone goes way to one side of the lane or the other, as if they want to communicate that they’re STRAINING to get around you. We came to an intersection with a red light, and we were the first two cars to arrive. As soon as we came to a stop, he jumped out of his car and took a step toward my car.
I froze. I was stuck. What could I do? The light was RED. Fortunately for me, all the guy did was grab his windshield wiper and flick it—apparently something was stuck in it. Then he got back into his own car.
Here is what this experience showed me, vividly: I have a LOT of trouble, a potentially DANGEROUS amount of trouble, separating my ACTUAL possible moves from my PRESUMED possible moves. James Bond does not have this problem. Is someone in his way when he is trying to drive fast through a tunnel? Pish, he can drive right up the side of the tunnel, no big. But there I was, at an intersection, frozen in place because of THE COLOR OF A LIGHT. There was NO ONE ELSE in the intersection! NO cars. I could have 100% safely driven away from the guy behind me, just by running the red light. But that idea did not even OCCUR to me until much, much later, so it’s lucky I didn’t need it.
It’s not even that I thought, “Oh, I can’t go because that would be illegal.” (If I HAD thought that, I would have quickly realized that NO POLICE OFFICER would fault me for doing it in a situation where a possibly dangerous person was approaching my car.) It was more as if the light’s redness rendered me physically incapable of movement.
Since that incident, I’ve worked to force my mind to understand that SOME restrictions are actual (if there is a cement wall, and you drive directly into it, it will stop you), and SOME restrictions are not (red lights do not actually disable your car). As I’m driving along, I think to myself things such as, “If a car came into my lane, I could DRIVE INTO THAT YARD. Cars DO work on grass, even though in normal circumstances you’re not supposed to do that.” “In a real emergency, I could TURN LEFT here, even though that would mean going the wrong way on a one-way street.”
I realize not everyone has to work at this. Where I get derailed and/or stuck, other minds quickly and easily see the possibilities. In some cases, this leads to people being jerks and breaking rules for their own convenience, like when someone drives in the shoulder to get around all the cars waiting their turn in a lane. But in general, I think being able to see possibilities like that is a huge gift, and it’s one I wish I had. Practicing it is good for my brain, I’m sure, the way doing crosswords and logic puzzles it, but it hasn’t led to any massive brain-restructuring: I still have the kind of brain that struggles with this.
All of this is to say that I had another mind-blowing “Wait, a red light DOESN’T ACTUALLY STOP ME” moment yesterday. I was with a client who’d been widowed after more than 40 years of marriage, which sounds like a nice long marriage to me. Then she mentioned that it was actually her second marriage, which began when she was older than I am now. Normally it seems to me that life is rather short, but the idea that I could potentially divorce Paul, marry someone else, and have a FORTY-YEAR marriage with that second person, it rocked me back on my heels.
Which is what led me back to the idea of actual vs. presumed possibilities. It occurred to me on the way home that, if I wanted to, I could ask Paul for a divorce, meet someone else, marry them instead, make my children someone else’s step-children. There are lots of things about that idea that I don’t want (like, all of them), but it’s mind-boggling to realize I LITERALLY COULD launch onto that path, if I wanted to and/or if circumstances changed unexpectedly.
Or I could wait until Paul left for work, then go to a sperm bank, fill out a bunch of paperwork, turn over a bunch of money, and try for another baby. I don’t want to do that, and it would likely end my marriage. But I LITERALLY COULD. (Or rather, I could launch onto that path: obviously the insemination might not work.)
Or we could move to a totally new state, somewhere we’ve never even been and have no reason to want to live. We could just GO. In, say, three months, the whole thing could be a done deal.
I could buy tickets for an international trip, without even asking Paul. I WOULDN’T, but I COULD. I could just go, and let him deal with it.
I have some money of my own. I could get it in cash, and throw it into the wind. Or I could rent a building and buy some merchandise and start a business. Or I could get a secret apartment.
I could have a fling. It wouldn’t be a GOOD idea, but it is LITERALLY POSSIBLE to do it. The red light is a STRONG SUGGESTION, but it’s not a cement wall.
I could take a hammer and put holes in the living room wall. Tons of holes. I’m not inclined to do that, but there’s nothing physically preventing me from doing it.
I could rip up a library book. Just rip out alllll the pages. I realize this is not the sort of thing James Bond would have on his list of Truly Shocking Possibilities.
I could walk out of the house naked. I’d likely be arrested after a short while, but there would be a period of time when I would be outdoors, naked, in public. Again, I have no inclination to do this, but it’s startling to realize it’s literally, actually, seriously a choice I am physically able to make.
I could go to the animal shelter today, right now, and bring home another cat. Or a DOG. We could have a dog by dinnertime tonight.
I could adopt a child. I could adopt a whole sibling group and change the structure of our family forever.
This whole line of thought reminds me of that stage many parents go through after having a new baby, when many of us have the highly-unpleasant realization that it is LITERALLY POSSIBLE for bad things to happen to the baby—which causes many of us to have a lot of trouble picking up knives, carrying the baby past railings/windows, carrying the baby up and down stairs, driving with the baby in the car, etc.
Or I remember going out for groceries while Paul watched the kids, and realizing I could just keep driving. Right past the grocery store, right out of the state. I didn’t REALLY want to, but it was boggling to realize I LITERALLY COULD. People DO.
There is a sense in which these thoughts are alarming: knowing I have the power to make decisions that would be destructive is…well, I’m going to stick with the word alarming. But it’s also exhilarating: there are LOTS more choices than I am currently considering, and it’s nice to know they’re available if I need/want them.
This is one of my favorite things that you’ve written, and though I rarely comment, I love me some Swistle posts! This is fascinating and fits nicely with my new-ish efforts to not ask permission to live my life. Not that I want to put holes in my living room wall either, but it’s nice to think that I can plan a trip to the beach, or set up an appointment with a realator to look at houses in a different state, or interview preschools for my son, and I don’t need to run it by anyone else first. Sometimes that is good to do, but sometimes it’s freeing and wonderful not to! You are not my concrete wall, world!
And if you got your secret apartment in NYC you would not even be arrested for being buck naked in public.
PS Love the way you mind works, Swistle.
I try to keep things in my mind that are going to maybe save my life, so I have actually thought about whether or not I can go through an intersection if someone was coming at me. I have to do this because I’m so messed up about my instincts anymore, and I have a friend whose mom was murdered because someone went to snatch her purse and she pulled it back and fought him and he shot her dead. I think about it all the time because my INSTINCT is to NOT give someone my pocketbook, ever!, but I don’t think it’s worth it to die over it. Both my MIL and my FIL have been married THREE times and the third time has been the charm in both cases, my MIL is married 25 years and my FIL was married like 22 when his wife died last summer. Otherwise I would have never thought about that.
This reminds me of the “divorce is not an option” people. I understand what you MEAN, I GUESS, which is that it’s not an ATTRACTIVE option for any number of reasons, but nevertheless it remains, in actuality, a literal, actual, possible choice.
Ditto to this and the people who say “I don’t BELIEVE in divorce.” Like, divorce is still real, even if you don’t want to ever get one. It’s not Tinker Bell.
Yes yes yes. This can apply to many things. The lady in Kentucky who refused to give a marriage license to a gay couple comes to mind. You might not believe that same-sex marriage SHOULD be an option. It might not be an option you’d ever choose for yourself. But it remains an option nonetheless.
My guts twisted when you said you could rip pages from a library book. I don’t give a hoot what James Bond thinks; that is a truly shocking action. Do Not Want.
Right after my daughter was born, I wrote a couple of hormonal, angsty journal entries about how this was it, I was stuck forever, I could never just get in my car and drive until I hit Kansas and sleep on the side of the road and pick up restaurant work and start a new life unencumbered. A couple of years later I realized that…hmm…actually I could. I wouldn’t, but I could. The fact that it was a literal possibility shocked me back into appreciating my life, actually.
You are far more powerful than you realize. Me too.
I would be lying if I said the “keep driving while husband is with the children” option never occurs to me. It’s sort of fascinating how we hem ourselves in by red lights we think of as brick walls. Then there are people *ahem, Donald Trump, ahem* who’ve never met a brick wall in their lives – whether you like him or hate him, I think this is a pretty accurate description of what he does. Fascinating.
If you wanted to take this further, you could go somewhere and people watch and pick out those you think are completely hedged on all sides by red lights masquerading as cement walls and those who’ve literally never seen a red light in their lives (cement or otherwise, they’re all sort of yellow). (or a family/friend gathering where you have more information about the people..still fascinating)
It’s really interesting.
Sometimes when the kids were small and driving me crazy, I used to sing under my breath or sometimes aloud, depending:
Freight train, Freight train going so fast
Freight train, Freight train going so fast
Please don’t tell what train I’m on
So they won’t know where I’ve gone
And I’d think about the fact that trains tracks, on which freight trains actually travel, are located only a mile from my house. It was a soothing thought.
Swistle, have you read any books by Anne Tyler? I would be shocked if you hadn’t, because they are so right up your alley. Your writing style reminds me of hers, actually. Anyway, I just finished Ladder of Years, which I loved, and it resonates a lot with this post.
Ooo, yes, I have read some of her books, and that one looks good! I recently finished re-reading A Patchwork Planet.
Yes, The Ladder of Years, for sure! Also Morgan’s Passing.
This kind of thing is so fun to think about! Have you ever had the sort-of-similar experience of realizing you have a (usually shocking and dangerous option) and being a little bit terrified that you’ll take it? It most often happens to me while driving, say, along a mountain road with a sharp drop to one side. And I realize I COULD wrench the wheel and go right over, if I chose to. And the fact that I have perfect freedom to do that and nothing is stopping me but my own choice is weirdly frightening and thrilling. This is one of those things that I learned later in life “oh, other people have this feeling too!” To the extent that a philosopher — Sartre I think? — describes it and gives it the name “vertigo.”
I tend to have that experience a lot. “Oh, I could just jerk my wheel this way on the mountainside & it’s all over”. Or “Hmm, I could drive off this bridge, plunge in to the water & sink to the bottom”. It’s so incredibly terrifying to me that my palms will sweat, I’ll start breathing heavy and have to repeat to myself “don’t drive off the cliff (or similar)” over & over until I’m away from said cliff!
Yes! And I think it’s an element of the Newborn Fear, too: realizing I could literally drop the baby over the railing, it could ACTUALLY HAPPEN. I explained it to a doctor once and he nearly referred me to a psych ward because he thought I was saying I WANTED to do so, and had to RESIST the appealing impulse—when actually it was more like being flooded with horror that if I lost my mind and DID do that, NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE would intervene to stop me and save the baby. Appalling to think of. Same with “I could just drive headfirst into that semi-truck,” “I could leap off this building,” “I could shove someone in front of that train.” That level of power feels WRONG TO HAVE.
Yes! The intrusive thought! I used to worry about them until a wonderful counselor handed me a sheet of common intrusive thoughts. The first thing on the list? Throwing the baby out the window.
Comedian Maria Bamford did a funny bit on unwanted thoughts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8prRC8E-lg
Ha ha ha! Wonderful!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=the+call+of+the+void Call of the Void
I have this horrible fear that my body will step off a cliff or some other high point even though my brain does not want me to do so.
“L’appel du vide”- The call of the void. That feeling you may feel while standing on the edge of a cliff or on a bridge to just hurl yourself into space. For a moment, you’ll fly. Unfortunately, the moments following the flight make me rule out jumping as an option.
I’m fairly certain I got the French wrong, but you get the idea.
I think about this sort of thing sometimes, usually when I’m PMSing and frustrated about everything and have that overwhelming feeling of I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I mean, it’s doubtful that I ever actually *would* clear out our bank account and disappear to Europe, never to be heard from again, but I certainly *could* if I was so inclined. And somehow just knowing I do literally have that freedom is somewhat liberating.
And let’s be honest….or, I’ll be honest. When I’m feeling like a less than great mom/wife/human being…it’s nice to recall all these horrible, destructive choices I COULD BE MAKING instead of just the little screw ups, and then I feel like a better person. Does that make me a worse person? Augh!
Oh, I do that too! The house is messy and I ate too much chocolate today, but at least I’m not a crack addict!
This is what I love most about being a grown up. It wasn’t until I had kids, and was in my 30’s that I realized I even WAS grown up. I can just do things. I can just NOT do other things. I had some dental work done this summer, and it’s still not comfortable for me to chew on that side, still sensitive to heat/cold, etc. Then, I was supposed to have more dental work done on the other side of my mouth. But, then what would I eat and where would I chew my food. So I cancelled the dental work. I fretted about it, and dreaded it, and it took me longer than it should have (but not as long as it once would have) to realize that I could just say no.
I felt so free. Sometimes, just knowing I have the choice is enough to keep me from feeling stuck in certain life situations. Sometimes it make me more resentful, because I know I never actually would make the choices that would remove me from the situation. Their existence is less soothing in that light.
I love this whole post though, it was also one of my favorite things you’ve ever written. And I’m like you, always thinking slightly nervous thoughts about what I would do in any given dangerous situation. This morning my daughters were telling each other what they would do if someone came into the house and tried to kidnap them. Genetic?
This is exactly me right now! I turned thirty this year and find myself constantly reminding myself that I am and adult and I can do what I want! The doctor might ask me to do something, but I am an adult! I don’t have to do that thing! It sounds kind of silly when I say it out loud, but it is very freeing. Any time I find myself being unsure about something I just remind myself that I don’t HAVE to do anything, because I’m an adult now!
Just pick up and move to another state… I’ve been thinking about it. To me, it’s a red light. To my husband, a cement wall.
Ah, this is so resonant! I’m thinking of a time when I actually did the unthinkable. I was in a job that takes forever to train for, and I was in a prestigious training program, and I was miserable. My dad said, “Don’t feel trapped, because you’re not.” And my reaction was, “No, I AM stuck. All these years wasted! All the debt!” A few months later, I quit, and the next day, the gravitation pull of the Earth was still intact, although there were some consequences financially and emotionally. But it just hadn’t occurred to me: “You are not trapped.” Huh!
This was a really big thing when my grandfather was dying. (Sorry for the morbid turn, here). But family members would say “Oh, it was so awful watching them take his blood pressure. It was painful for him and they had to try 10 times.” And I would look at them like they had grown two heads and say, calmly, “then next time, refuse the blood pressure check.” And they would look at me like I’d grown two heads because you can just tell medical people to just… STOP? Yes, yes you can. And I did it over and over and over to ensure that my grandfather didn’t suffer unnecessary pain or procedures. The same thing happened when a doctor wanted to give my very young child an X-ray that seemed completely unwarranted. I told the tech, no thanks, I’ll talk to the doctor about it. The doctor came later and I explained why I declined, she looked at the chart and said, yup, probably is unnecessary. But so many people think that if a medical professional says “do this” you aren’t allowed to think about it. You just have to comply.
YES. I feel like I HAVE to do what medical people say. But a lot of times, all THEY have to do is TRY. If you say no, they just write “patient refused” on the form and that’s literally the end of it! It’s really an astonishing new thing to find out.
Yes – it is ridiculous how often I’ve made medical things cement walls when they are red lights. It still takes a great deal of resolve for me to defy their authority and do what I want – even something as simple as leaving the room at the doctor’s office when I’ve been waiting 45 min for something that should have taken 5 minutes – and I feel trapped. Except I’m not. I’m allowed to gather my things and walk out and let them call me later with results (or whatever).
Great post, love it love it love it
I find these kinds of thoughts both thrilling and terrifying. I remember coming downstairs on the morning of my eighteenth birthday and (half jokingly) telling my parents that they couldn’t tell me what to do anymore because they were no longer legally in charge of me. My parents, of course, explained that they WERE still in charge because I was still financially dependent on them. I was all, “No, you don’t understand. I could just get a job and start supporting myself and there would be nothing you could do to stop me. I WOULDN’T, and I don’t even WANT to, but I COULD.” (Yeah, I was fun to live with as a teenager.)
It also didn’t occur to me until recently that you don’t actually need that many qualifications to run for president. Like, there’s no test you have to pass or degree you have to have. There are actual people who decide they want to run for president and then they DO IT.
I live not that far from Canada and frequently drive on the interstate that goes right up to the border. One day I realized I could, instead of going to the mall, drive up for a day and come back. I could call my husband and tell him I decided to spend the day in another country for no reason whatsoever. Same thing, as others have mentioned, about medical tests – one day I realized that just because I go to the doctor doesn’t mean they can do whatever they want to me. I’m such a rule follower and I think this is an extension of that.
You totally should just go to Canada, stop at a gas station for a Slurpee or something, and then come back. That would be awesome.
I got a passport a few years ago and I still have not used it, but one of the thoughts that crosses my mind now that I have it is, “I could just get in the car and go to the airport, and with my passport in my hand, I could be gone.” It’s oddly comforting.
Argh! – my palms are sweating just reading this. Swistle, just when I think you couldn’t possibly articulate another of what I always think of are ‘my’ quirks, you do it again with amazing accuracy! (which is always good, because when I see how many people respond to your posts with various versions of ‘me, too!’ , I feel way more ok about myself! Not so weird!).
The baby thing. I just had my third a few months ago, and those feelings of ‘terrible things that COULD go wrong’ are stronger than they ever have been. What if I… If I just… What would happen if… Sometimes it just paralyses me.
And a bit like your red-light moment. When I was 16, I got into a stupid situation where my ‘good upbringing’ and instinct to be polite to my elders LITERALLY COULD HAVE GOT ME KILLED. I got in a car with a man (broad daylight, while I was working at a Christian camp) who offered to take me for lunch. I did not want to go. But there was no one around to help me out of the situation. I just could not bring myself to be ‘rude’ and say no thanks! He drove me the opposite direction to where he said we’d go, and up to a park overlooking a beach. There was no one around. He had a quick grope, and, thank God, drove me back again (at this stage my brain seemed to click into gear, and I realised how stupid I had been – got the shakes, cried, left for home immediately etc). But I felt certain at one point that he might rape me. (I told my parents, and we went to the police; the guy did have a record and was wanted already). But seriously, I didn’t want to be impolite or embarrass myself or make a scene even though at that moment I felt like my life was on the line. WTF!? I have three girls, and I’m already terrified of the daft things they might do just to please others. First, I should have just said no and walked away. Second, I could have demanded he stop the car as soon as he turned the wrong way. Third, I could have gotten out the car and run for it. But I was rendered completely stupid by my good manners!
I think this kind of thing is something that happens to a lot of women and girls, certainly me included (not exactly your experience, of course, but in the same vein and alarming to me at the time), and that all of us, all the time, should try insofar as we are able to educate ourselves and others (and yes, particularly our children — daughters and sons alike) that we should not let “politeness” (submission to authority, etc.) prevent us from taking care of our own safety, etc. Obviously not any easy thing to do.
In college, I felt that because I couldn’t explain to the guy who became my first serious boyfriend why I didn’t want to go out with him, that I kind of had to go out with him. I don’t mean always and forever, but that I felt I had to give him a chance. And he was a decent guy, but … eh. The giving him a chance turned into a pretty committed relationship for who I was at the time, and I don’t know that that was the right decision for me.
Also, in college (on my own/independent for the first time), I didn’t know how to call/take a cab. That didn’t lead to any disasters in my life, just a few tense times when I wasn’t sure how I’d get home when e.g. a guy was being a jerk or was drunk (I was lucky in that as these turned out, a friend always stepped in and bailed me out, thus the absence of disasters). But in hindsight — everyone should know how to call a cab (today — Uber? Ha. I don’t know how to use Uber!) and get away from a situation they don’t want to be part of, independently.
Sarah, I am so sorry that happened to you. On the suggestion of my sister, I have started teaching my children that they are allowed to be rude if an adult is scaring them. I specifically use the words, “You can be rude,” because I think we spend so much time training them NOT to be rude that we end up with people in situations like Sarah’s. I know *I* have a hard time being rude, even when it is warranted and a question of safety. How many times have I been unable to hang up the phone on someone asking me for money? Just because they won’t end the conversation?
So now I’m telling my kids that if a grown up is talking to them and is making them feel unsafe or uncomfortable, they can run away, yell, walk away, whatever. Be rude. It’s fine. Trust their instincts. I mean, if someone says “Good morning,” they can reply in kind, but if that person then tries to prolong the conversation and the kids don’t want to talk, they don’t have to. Any innocent adult who talks to a kid he or she doesn’t know would understand that HE was at fault if the kid gets scared. And if the adult is not innocent, well, who cares if he’s insulted.
I am so sorry that happened to you! I’m glad you’re okay. And I totally get what you mean…it didn’t really occur to me until fairly recently that I don’t have to be polite if someone is making me feel uncomfortable. Just a few weeks ago, I was on an airplane with a middle-aged man who would not. stop. talking to me. At first it just seemed like he was a little overly friendly, but then he started making comments about how pretty I was and how it was too bad he was so old or he would have made a move on me, ha ha ha. UMMMM NOPE NOPE NOPE. Luckily, the flight was only about a third full and I was able to move to an empty row. But it didn’t even occur to me until the plane was on the ground that I could have said something other than “Oh…okay…”
Ha, ha I actually have done that: drove through a red light thing when I was being harassed by another driver (long story), but unfortunately no cops came to the rescue. Fortunately the harassing drive did stop at the red light! And I kept going and lost him!
this is the inside of my head all the time. of course, i am actively kinda screwed up right now, so its mostly well i don’t REALLY want to drive into that truck, but i COULD. or, i don’t REALLY want to take that whole bottle, but i COULD.
its both freeing and exhausting when this hits.
I had a guy come up to my car when we were stopped at a red light. He had been in the left lane, parallel to my car, and I was in the right lane because I was going to turn right at the light. He turned on his right turn signal, and started merging in to me. While his car bumper was somewhat in front of mine when he started signaling, in order to actually be in front of me to get in the right lane, I would have had to stop and let him pull up in front of me and then cut in front of me. Instead, I was already in the right lane to turn right, so I just insisted on my right to continue doing so. He honked his horn like I was the rude one, and at the next light, he got out of his car and approached my window.
I have to say, while my first thought was “Oh s**T, this is scary!”, my second thought was, “He is right outside my door, I could open the door right into him and knock him into oncoming traffic.” His first reaction was to scream at me “I am not an A**hole, I am just trying to get to work!!” (which hello, I am too). Then I think one of two things happened: 1) He realized that HE is the one standing outside ON THE ROAD SCREAMING at someone else, so yeah, by definition, he IS the A**hole, or 2) He saw the 2nd thought cross my mind because he just as abruptly shut up and ran back to his car.
When (as a teen) I first started driving, I would have this weird, “I could jerk the wheel and drive into a tree, head-on” moments. Not that I wanted to, nor that I was afraid I might do so by mistake, but just that I … could. At the time I thought it was because I had pretty much spent my teenage years on a horse, and here’s one thing you generally cannot do: intentionally steer a horse into a tree.
And yes — some years back someone posted on a listserv that they knew someone looking for a home for a Great Pyrenees dog, which if you know them, they are (can be) wonderful, and are like 200 lbs. of dog. And I thought — hey! I could retrieve my old truck (I had passed it along to a family member when it hit 200K miles and I had a kid), load the dog in the bed with the camper shell and just head out down the road. Not, it must be admitted, quite Bond-worthy, but it did still seem like fun to abandon the hubby, kid, and job and set out with a large, unknown, shaggy dog and old Toyota for a road-trip life. I didn’t do it, however.
Back again – there’s a line in the Dragon Tattoo (can’t remember if it’s in the book, but is in the movie), where a main character goes into the home of the person he knows is a horrible killer just because he doesn’t want to be rude when the guy invites him in. I think about that line anytime I start to let perceived boundaries of societal niceness interfere with my gut instinct for my safety or my kids’ safety. I will trade a few moments of rudeness for safety. Even though it goes against my upbringing and social pressures. God, I hope I can instill that into my kids.
I keep trying to impress this on my kids. “Safety first.” Before politeness, before not hurting feelings, before being nice. I pray they never need to remember it, but if the situation comes around, I hope they tell the serial killer to get lost. And maybe kick him you-know-where so they have a head start running away. Truthfully, I don’t know that it would occur to me that I don’t have to be nice. That is terrifying.
My parents DID adopt two kids! When they (my parents) were over 50! And changed our family forever! So… you CAN, is what I’m saying.
I spent one whole very difficult year imagining running away to live in an apartment on a cruise ship that would sail around the world. I would have had to have over a million dollars to do it, so… yeah. Cement wall, I guess.
This is my all time favorite post, You have articulated what I’ve often felt, but I didn’t know how to put it into words- and if I tried, I sounded nuts.
The host of a morning radio show I listen to tried to articulate these feelings a few months back while on air. His co-hosts ridiculed him. It’s a relief to know that if I tell you I think “you know, I COULD climb right up here on the parking garage wall, and JUMP”, you understand that I don’t really WANT to- it’s just that I realize I can.
This made me think of an Anne Tyler novel, “Ladder of Years”. But then she’s one of my absolute favorite authors, and I think of her work a lot because she really has such a grasp on complicated thoughts and feelings we all have.
I, too, have the problem of thinking that things are cement walls when they’re actually guidelines. I’m sure some of it is personality, and some of it is that my mother has the same personality, so I grew up being explicitly and implicitly told that certain things Just Must Be Done/ Must Be Done This Way.
Luckily, I married a person who is saddled neither with this limited vision nor my upbringing, and she is constantly reminding me (gently) that options exist where I think they don’t. :)
A friend of a friend once commented that if I started a career “now” (this comment was made last year) I could potentially have a twenty-five year career. That was mind blowing since I often think that ship has sailed. It hasn’t! It’s like the brain trick of 40 being the new 30, etc. Life is short in some respects but it isn’t over! Going back to read all of the comments on this fantastic post. I love how you think and how it encourages myself and the other women who read your blog to look at things through “Swistle Vision”. Now I have something fun to think about while I sort too small clothing and summer items until school pick up. Thanks, Swistle :)
I just want to say that I hope you never ever stop blogging. It is really refreshing to get an outsider’s look at the inside of my head. ;-)
Once I went shopping while my husband stayed home with the littles. I had one of those “I could just keep on going” moments. I didn’t keep on going, of course, but when I got home and my husband asked me how it went, I very unexpectedly (even to myself) said “Well, I decided to come home this time.” He was taken aback, speechless, and we never talked about it, but it made a noticeable difference in his appreciation for me after that.
I’m not a fan of passive aggressive communication, that wasn’t my intention that day. I generally enjoyed being with my children, and I was as surprised as he was when those words came bubbling out.
I love the whole post, but for some reason “we could have a dog by dinner time” made me giggle helplessly. I am SO bad with change, and we DID get a dog recently, after thinking we never would, and it’s been hard and amazing, and it’s made me think I should do more stuff that I didn’t think I would ever do.
This is so good! I had to go to therapy to draw this conclusion. Black and white thinking can be no bueno. It makes me think of a study that was done a long time ago — people were asked to do things by a person in a white doctorish coat. Another group was asked to do things by a person without the white coat. The white coat group followed perceived authority without fail or question. The non white coat group didn’t. Human behavior is fascinating!
Fascinating. A few years ago on my way to work I saw a sign on the interstate. Out of the blue I though, “huh, I haven’t been to Chicago in years, and never as an adult on my own schedule. I could take that exit and be there before lunch.” I even thought of what I’d say when I called to explain that my mom and husband would need to coordinate childcare for a couple days and how long it would take to pay off the credit card charges.
Of course I passed the exit and went to work, but it was thrilling to think of myself as a grown up who could do that, even if I never would.
Well, this is all terrific (in both the “great” and “causing terror” senses) but my favorite thing is picturing you cruising around town all “I COULD DRIVE RIGHT INTO YOU, YARD. JUST SO YOU KNOW.” I realize you are not actually mind-threatening the grass, but it very much tickles me to imagine.
Commenting late, but I really love this post. I tend to only think of the unhappy or even down right scary choices. Sometimes, when I’m driving, I think about how I could deliberately drive myself (and the kids, if they’re in the car!) into a tree or off an overpass – I don’t WANT to, but it hits me that nothing is stopping me BUT the fact that I don’t want to. It’s actually why I don’t care for high places if there aren’t restraints involved. I think too much about how I could just jump over the rail, or step off the cliff. Or, yes, drop the baby. It’s so scary. So it’s nice to realize there are also happy things I could do. I could come home with a kitten for my daughter for her birthday. I could change careers. I could pack up my family and move to Europe. When I was getting over a bad breakup several years ago, I realized I COULD learn to sail and try to get a job on a boat and leave behind everything that was making me miserable at the time. I actually went as far as taking the sailing classes. It was pretty freeing.
Now I’ve read through the comments and realized that many people have the cliff jumping and driving into a tree thoughts. Very relieving. :)
When my older daughter was 5 months, the pediatrician told us to go ahead and start giving her baby cereal, which we did. My younger daughter just turned 5 months, so I told my husband I would start giving her baby cereal. He looked at me kind of concerned and said “But she hasn’t had her appointment yet!” As if an okay from the pediatrician was required to do anything. I had to gently remind him that we are actually in charge here, and we don’t need permission from anyone to do things.
The comparisons between you and James Bond are making me giggle!
I was just catching up over here and realized that I have been reading (and loving) your blog for nearly ten years. I know I’ve said it before, but THANK YOU!
I am the same way with red lights, but for me, some things are just so far out of the realm of possibility that they may as well be cement walls. Ones that come to mind are divorce, moving to another state, or quitting my job and starting my own business. Things that TONS OF PEOPLE DO, but are no more likely for me than monkeys flying out of my butt. I don’t know if it’s just that I am super risk averse or have a hard time overcoming inertia or am just totally okay with my life as it is or what, but I have always been like that. It kind of blows my mind that so many people actually DO do every last one of the things you listed.