I would say it took about 2 months to stop FREAKING OUT about the new job. (In fact, maybe I already DID say this. It’s ringing a bell.) I can still get panicky when I have a new client, but a lot of it is just inherent (NEW THINGS AAAAAAAGGHHH!!), and in general things have settled down. I’m getting used to working, and I’m getting used to the work, and I’ve gotten used to the paperwork that is pretty much the same with every client. It helps enormously that I’m starting to have regular clients at regular times.
I still hate being called so much. I keep saying no, cringing/suffering every single time, and they keep calling anyway. I’ve started not answering my phone when I see it’s them. Then I can hear the message and have time to think about it. The problem: they’re PHONE PEOPLE, so to them it often makes sense to leave a message asking me to call them back, instead of leaving a message saying why they’re calling and what they want. Or else they’ve learned it’s harder to say no when you don’t have time to prepare, and they’re exploiting that. But let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. Also, if they ARE doing that, in my case it’s backfiring: if I have time to think, I might say YES. Whereas if I’m on the spot, I panic and tend to say no. Also, it makes me reluctant to call them back because by doing so I feel like I’m asking to be put in a very uncomfortable situation.
For dealing with work anxiety, I’ve gotten considerable use out of two quotes. I paraphrased each one so heavily, I no longer even know how to find the originals; the wording of the originals made me flinch. One quote, boiled down: “All I can do is go there, and be there, and do what I can to help.” If I remember correctly, the original included going there and being there “in love,” which, gag—and yet, I admit that concept lingers (in a good way) in the FEEL of the quote for me, even though I took out those words.
I use that quote when I feel like I am over my head and/or I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job, or when I’m going somewhere new and I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it, or when I’m going back somewhere where things didn’t go so well the first time. “All I can do,” I say to myself firmly, trying to stop the swirl of anxious thoughts, “is go there, and be there, and do what I can to help.” It gives me a chin-up/shoulders-back feeling, and also a helpful “Well, probably I am better than NOTHING” mindset, and also reminds me that going there with kind/helpful motivations and solidly good intentions is a BIG PART of doing a good job, and also lets me think of this as my employer’s issue: if they are sending me there, they think I can do it at an acceptable level—and so probably the job I am doing IS acceptable. I don’t have to be AMAZING at EVERYTHING right AWAY; sometimes all I have to be is a warm body filling a shift while a more competent warm body is on vacation.
The other quote is one I think has great potential for misuse. It reminds me of other things I say to myself which I would ONLY say to myself and NEVER to another person—because they’re USEFUL to say to ONESELF, but HORRIBLE if someone says them to someone else. (For example, the whole category of “It could be worse”: I use this to reset my OWN perspective when I’m freaking out about something and want to calm myself by thinking how much better it is than other possibilities, but if someone ELSE said it to ME, I would feel like hurting them in the neck region.)
The second quote (again, highly paraphrased): “The point is not to be happy. The point is to make good use of our time here.” You see what I mean about the potential for misuse? Just for starters, it sounds EXACTLY like the kind of thing someone would say to SOMEONE ELSE, and not in a nice tone of voice, either. But when I am at a client’s house, feeling like I’d rather be home playing Candy Crush and so probably this job is all wrong for me, the quote (said in a nice tone: gentle, understanding) shifts me away from the idea that Having Fun, or BEING ELECTRIFIED WITH PREDESTINED PURPOSE, are the only ways to measure whether doing something is valuable. And this quote ties so beautifully into one of my main reasons for getting a job, which is that I felt I was not making good use of my time.
But if you said to me, “I’m not happy in my job,” or if you mentioned how much fun you had with your job, you would not have to worry that I would tighten my mouth and say preachily that the point was to be USEFUL. I don’t even really like my own paraphrase, if I examine it too closely: who says there IS “a point,” let alone “THE point”? So this is only a quote I use to refocus my own anxious feelings, not a quote I’d print on a t-shirt and make into a life philosophy. It wouldn’t work for someone who has trouble with guilt if they do anything fun or if they love a job that doesn’t seem Meaningful Enough; someone like that would need a quote of a very different sort, to compensate for THEIR type of anxious feelings.
I think the best way to deal with calls from work is to just have a pre prepared line, something like “sorry I can’t do it this time!” Just leave the conversation there.
I have the same problem with people calling and asking me to do things. I am bad at saying ‘no’, and I feel guilty for saying ‘no’. It just feels very awkward. And sometimes I say yes, and then I have to do something I’m not comfortable doing (like tomorrow’s client), and then I’m anxious.
I have no solutions. I can tell myself that I am not the only solution, nor am I even the best solution, but I still feel guilty. And I practice saying, ‘no’, but sometimes it doesn’t work. And I feel guilty.
Welp. This was not a helpful comment. I’m going to quit while I’m behind.
“Hearing I’m not the only one” is HUGE helpful. I feel like part of the stress of things like this is feeling like I’m not able to handle something that “everyone else” has no problem with.
I am thinking of two quotes. The first is that “No is a complete sentence”. This is a hard one for me, but I so admire people who can do it. Can you work tonight, even though you aren’t scheduled?, someone might say to them. “No”., they say and that’s it! I can’t do it, really, but I admire it.
The other quote I’m thinking of is one that my sister used to remind me of, when I was feeling over my head. When overwhelmed, she used to say to herself, I have prepared for this, I am ready for this. I used this a fair amount in my previous life as an IT director but I said it almost as a daily mantra when I had my first baby.
I always default to “No, I’m sorry…” but …no! I don’t need to be sorry! It is what it is, and no IS a complete sentence. Thanks for the reminder!
Will the phone call calculus change when the kids are back in school? Will you either want to say yes more or maybe less?
I’m interested to see! On one hand, I’d think I’d want to say yes more often: right now, one reason I say no is that when I’m not working, the kids and I usually make plans; also, they’re all HOME, so I can’t just go off for six hours. On the other hand, right now they’re HOME, so I don’t have the stress of figuring out what overlaps with their school/extracurricular schedule, and I don’t have to worry about calls from the school nurse.
I am SO GLAD that when I’m asked to take a shift at the clinic, it is 100% over email. I don’t think the coordinator even has my phone number. APPROVE.
I love that second quote and think of it often but applied to parenting/kids. While I want my children to be happy I don’t think that’s the ultimate goal. I would like to raise children into adults who are contributing members of their community in some way. And I suspect that if they succeed at that, they are also likely to be happy because feeling useful is a good thing. Anyway, just to say I love versions of that quote.
Any chance you’ve been at the job long enough to suggest some sort of IT solution to the everyone call everyone problem? Some kind of google chart/calendar or message board where individuals can post shifts they need covered and those seeking more hours can scoop them up? I imagine that would be nice for everyone (though it assumes there are folks who WANT extra shifts….)
Do you think you could ask to be texted with work requests? I love texting. It lets me use the phone while not being a Phone Person.
With the second phrase, I think you can reflect on how the means justifies the ends. Not all parts of raising children are fun (dirty diapers, tantrums, sickness, head lice, etc.) but it feels good to be needed and to help someone in their low moments, even if you don’t love the yucky parts.
Weirdly, sometimes it helps me to think “Okay today just sucks.” So today gets put in the category of sucking– if it turns around and something good happens, great! If not? Well, today sucks, so that’s to be expected. I’ll try again tomorrow.
I can picture that: it changes it from from thinking I am the one who sucks, or the JOB sucks, into just the DAY sucks—which feels manageable.
Oh, and if today sucks, I get to wallow a little or give myself a treat after work.
I really like “50% of your days will be below average.” It helps me feel okay for not performing well or feeling like I was productive enough, and it implies that tomorrow is a new day (that has a 50% chance of being above average!).
I really like the phrase, “chocolate was invented for days like this one”.
When you’re called, could you say “give me ten minutes to think about it and I’ll call you back”?
Thank you for this post. I’ve started a new job myself and I’m feeling overwhelmed. Hopefully it will get better in a month or two. I keep telling myself: “I’m doing the best I can do”. This “best” includes not burning myself out.
I used to hate hate hate getting called for extra shifts, no matter the time of day or where I was I always felt flustered and guilty and resentful and I would say yes just to make it stop and then feel angry at everyone involved!
Do you think you could try saying a one time no? Something like, “while I adjust to this new role I feel my scheduled shifts are sufficient and would like to be taken off the call list.” You could then make a plan to revisit the issue in 6ish months when everything else about the job feels more manageable?
I don’t think you realise just how clever you are, Swistle. You are one wise owl.
It’s not really on point, but there’s a quote I return to when I’ve had a TERRIBLE day – one where I feel I made an awful mistake. It’s a Ralph Waldo Emeraon quote I have to dig out a few times a year and it helps me calm down:
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
I like it! My favorite part is “Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in.”
Thanks, Stella, this is wonderful! I think I’m going to print it out on a small piece of paper for my bulletin board.