I am having a day where I don’t think I can keep the job. I woke up at 3:00 and couldn’t get back to sleep, lying there hating everything about my job one detail at a time. The physical care (I CAN do showers and wiping, but I dread it), the housework and cooking (I don’t like those activities even in my own house doing them my own way), the constant shift-filling emergencies and the implication that we’re all expected to “do our share” of extra work, the heat, the dealing with so many new unknown situations that take so long to get familiar, the confusing out-of-date paperwork (so that I go in expecting a client who is new to us and still has trouble accepting care, and I find someone we’ve been helping for three years—with two large barking dogs who weren’t mentioned).
But then I think about how when I wasn’t working, I was seriously starting to go crazy. I don’t want to go back to that either.
So then I think, well, I’ll have a job, but a DIFFERENT job! But this was the only job I thought of that seemed worth the sacrifices and inconveniences. I didn’t think of ANY OTHER good possibility, not in literally YEARS of thinking about it and talking about it.
I feel stuck. But I also felt stuck before. But before, at least I didn’t feel so agitated. And I didn’t have so much trouble figuring out how to manage the schedule.
And when I LEAVE a shift, I often feel pretty GOOD. That is, the anticipation is the worst part. Once I’m there, working, I sometimes feel agitation/horror, but something I think it’s going fine. I have two clients I’ve been to repeatedly by now, and when I’m working in their houses I usually feel pretty okay, and sometimes even feel relaxed and competent with only periodic feelings of agitation/horror. One of the two clients is exactly what I had in mind when I took the job: very little physical care, quite a bit of reading aloud, helping to write letters, finding things that are lost. But even that one makes me upset. Sometimes I can’t understand what she’s saying: her medications make her a little confused sometimes, and she’ll call a dustpan a hairbrush and be upset that I can’t find it. And the thought of them asking me to do one of the bedbath shifts makes me feel like running away.
I’m getting quite a bit of comfort from the thought that a decision doesn’t have to be made right away. My inclination is to make the decision and get it over with, but there’s no need for that: it can wait. Doing one more shift doesn’t mean I can’t quit after that.
It is so hard to know when to throw in the towel! So hard! For me, I knew it was over when the stress was affecting my family. BUT perhaps it doesn’t have to get that far! And perhaps you WILL get over this awful first part and begin to enjoy it! I am holding out hope for the latter. But of course, as you said, wait and see is a perfectly wise and reasonable choice.
I felt that way with my job too. I am not saying it’ll get better for you.. eventually for me it did but to be honest it got better once I stopped subbing and having so many clients… I’d have to steel myself up for each one individually and it was fine once I was THERE but the angst leading up to it was just grating and awful. I had a mental list of everything I hated about each individual client. I hated the lack of routine. I loved the routine. I was all over the place. I used to have to tell myself “you must say yes, unless you have a legit appointment/engagement” and then deal with my feelings afterward. And now it’s summer and I’m not working again until school starts and oh there is still angst.
There’s nothing wrong with continuing to work while keeping your eyes open for the next opportunity. Meanwhile you will be gaining skills and comfort with the job (both of which are resume builders) and when a job comes along that tips more heavily toward the end of the duties you enjoy you will be more prepared for it. I don’t know about your geographic area but when my mother-in-law was just beginning to fail, we paid a woman to come in every morning and evening to check on her. Mom was living in an apartment in the retirement community and the person we hired brought her a cup of coffee, helped her get her hearing aids in, made sure she was taking her pills, then just sat and chatted with her for an hour, morning and evening. She was recommended to us by the apartment manager who knew we wanted to keep Mom out of assisted living if we could, but couldn’t get there twice a day. The helper had probably a dozen clients in this building. It was a full-time job for her and she loved it and was wonderful at it. We had peace of mind knowing the same person was seeing Mom every day and could notice little changes. Oh, she also did Mom’s laundry. You could even start your own business (concierge for the elderly).
(disclaimer: I have very little actual knowledge and only the glimpses you give us of your mental state on this blog) You’ve come SO FAR from where you were even a couple of weeks ago with what you can handle and how comfortable you feel. I hope this works out for you because it seems that having a job is better for you than not having a job, but maybe you can assign a timeline or a goal to the endeavor? If this agency seems to call on you a lot to fill in for people, could you perhaps say, “OK, 9 months seems like a reasonable amount of time with this agency for me to be comfortable applying to a different agency” or, “once I’ve saved enough money for…, I will leave this job”?
I think, because you’ve shared your children’s ages and never mentioned being a teen mom, that you’re a few years older than I am. I like to think that I know enough about myself, my max level of stress, and my preferences at this point of my life and that I wouldn’t need a year to determine that a new field wasn’t right for me, but I also have to push myself (more than is maybe strictly reasonable for a mature adult) sometimes to do the uphill work when it seems that everything will be uphill forever.
I had those same feelings when I was a substitute teacher, which I HAD to do for income for 4 years. I dreaded the unknown – what would the day bring? A math test? Field trip? Poorly prepared lesson plans? A hard-to-handle child? There were some classes that I subbed for often and it did get easier, but I never stopped dreading the day. The vast majority of the days went just fine and I felt relieved and happy at the end of them. But the few bad ones…..yikes. There was the same emergency calls that begged me to come in. But, it did get better. I was very glad to get my own classroom and quit subbing! For you…..maybe try a bit longer, but life is to short to dread your job every day! Hang in there! ( I would hate the showering and wiping parts too! That would be the deal breaker for me!)
Large, barking dogs and unexpected ones at that! As someone who doesn’t have pets, that would have very much put me off the job. I guess I don’t think of frail, elderly people keeping pets of that sort. This job experience is certainly strengthening your will power, which will be useful in all kinds of ways, whether you keep the job or not. Back when you were considering job opportunities, did you ever think of working in a library? I can see you doing that, quietly checking out books for people and recommending new titles for them. There would , of course, still be hassles because it does involve working with the public but they would be very different hassles than you are encountering now.
Thanks for sharing your process with us, and for being real. I used to work at a career counseling center that had lots of tests to help you find a reasonable list of careers/jobs that might be suited to you, in terms of skills, personality traits, abilities and interests. Now there are many such things online. Would that be helpful for you to identify some alternatives? Even if you wind up staying with this, it’s freeing to know there is something else out there.
When I’ve been in a particularly bad job situation, I have used the concept of time as my measuring stick. When I have felt like I am not good enough for the job, I think “Remember how much more difficult this felt 2 months ago. Imagine how much better I will feel in 2 months from now.” When I have felt like the job is just not what I want to be doing at all, I will set an arbitrary but firm date to reassess things. Usually around 6 months, so I feel like I still get “credit” on my resume, while also don’t feel like I wasted the better part of a year doing something that made me miserable.
Hugs to you.
You know, it may get better for you and you may get to where you enjoy it.
Or, it may not and then what the hell. You gave it a good try. You may go on to find something else, or something different.
For me, I found some volunteer stuff that’s low stress and really fulfilling (Meals on Wheels.) Maybe I’ll dip my toe back into paid work again at some point but maybe not.
I don’t need to decide my whole life right now and neither do you. Hugs and more hugs!
There’s something to be said for volunteer work! Satisfaction is a highly underrated currency (particularly if your household is doing okay on actual currency), and many non-profits are so incredibly grateful when they can get competent, sociable adults who can commit to a semi-regular schedule. Plus the stakes often seem a lot lower in volunteer work compared to paid work, so it can be less stressful and more rewarding.
I think this is a really excellent comment.
I may have missed something, or it may be something you choose to keep private, but I don’t get the impression that there is a component of economic necessity to your working. Without that, I don’t think truly ANY job is going to feel like it is working out, because being a working parent is stressful and complicated and anxiety-provoking and guilt-inducing, and without NEEDING the money, it would be hard to say it was worth it. But volunteer work can be very meaningful and address the boredom issue without the rest of the issues here.
Thanks!
I think it is just part of my personality in general and then being a stay at home parent for many years really made it more so, but I love the autonomy and low stress of my volunteer work versus having to “answer to a boss.” I do what I like to do, when I am able to do it, and no one is telling me what to do and adding to my stress. I can still put my family first, guilt free, but love the work I am doing so I keep that a priority as well.
It’s a win-win for me at this stage of the game!
This is such a good comment. Maybe the point of this experience was to give you the confidence and strength necessary for the next job? Maybe your takeaway is that this type of work is not for you – which alleviates the wondering and pondering about caregiving being a possible long-term career? If so, the best part of this job may be that you now know you don’t want to do it.
As an added bonus, there are things you have learned a lot about integrating work and family. You’ve probably figured out a million little details that seemed impossible to think/work through just a few months ago. There is nothing wrong with separating from the job now, regrouping with the children the rest of the summer and focusing on a new plan when they go back to school. I know this process is not easy, and I feel so much empathy when I read your posts. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Aww, I’m sorry Swistle. I hope things get better one way or another.
I’m sorry it is still stressful for you. When I went back to work after having my first kiddo, I found that the things I liked and the things I disliked were all of a sudden different. I had obviously changed, the glaring one being that I had less patience and empathy than before. But I still think a lot of my perception of myself is based on me before kids, so that I might not be aware of what suits me. My kids are getting to an age where I want to work again, and I am alternately terrified and excited. I hope it gets better for you.
There’s something someone said to me about a relationship that might work in this case, too: “You’ll know when it’s over when it hurts more to BE IN IT than to be away from it.” If you get so stressed before you go and feel way better when you’re away from it, that should really be a sign that it’s time to go.
Life it too short to be stressed and anxious about this. You’re doing great work, but you also don’t need to feel this way before, during and at any other time…
The right decision will come to you. Hang in there.
I think your attitude is inspiring and I’m sorry that the situation is uncomfortable. Anticipatory anxiety is the worst. I like to take things in 5 minute chunks when I feel that dread of future discomfort.
I’m not sure what you mean when you say this job seemed worth the sacrifices and inconveniences. I’m reading it as the job itself is worthwhile/something you want to do. What if you throw that criteria out? What if the only requirements are 1. you can do the job and 2. it is not actually mainly composed of things you hate to do? What if you picked something that sounds boring and uninspiring but unstressful? It sounds like you were bored and uninspired before you started work anyway. Would it help at all to reframe the job hunt not as finding a rewarding career for the next phase of your life, but finding a paid job to do for say six months to keep from being bored?
Yes! I agree. This is so random, but we own a movie theater, and my husband employs a 60 yr old woman. Her and her husband own several homes, are retired and certainly dont need the money, but she loves movies. She is a good employee, and she enjoys the perks but also likes having something to do. Obviously, a movie theater would not be a good job for you at this pint, but surely there’s something you’d enjoy, even if it’s not fulfilling?