Here are some ways in which experience in caring for people who are children can be helpful/applicable when caring for people who are elderly:
• noticing when someone is cranky and snappish because they’re tired and/or hungry and/or in pain, and not responding the same as to regular crankiness/snappishness
• the “two choices” method, saying secondly the one YOU’D prefer they choose
• pee and poop are not particularly surprising or upsetting
• messes related to eating and bathrooming are not particularly surprising or upsetting
Here are some ways in which experience with children doesn’t help/apply, or can even work against the caregiver:
• babies and small children are generally not self-conscious; adults generally are
• tone of voice: I find if I’m doing Care Activities, my Mom Voice (which until now has always been appropriate when I’m doing care) can click in automatically
• things that are supportive and cheerful to say to children (“Good job!” “You did it!”) can sound patronizing/infantilizing when said to an adult—but it’s hard to know what to say instead
• I find it easy to give instructions to a child, harder to give instructions to an adult
Here are some ways in which experience caring for people who are elderly can be helpful/applicable when going back home and caring for people who are children:
• it’s common for people to like to get a say in how they’re cared for
• people’s preferences can be respected even if they can’t be honored: that is, if someone wants something they can’t have, or wants to do something they can’t do, ideally there can be a regretful explanation rather than a brusque dismissal
• it’s common for people to like to feel included—in the conversation, in the plan, in any incoming news/information
• with physical care, there can be a fine line between “efficient” and “brusque”
one thing I found helpful in giving instructions to the elderly- pretending in my head that we were learning how to do something together. sometimes that was even the overt approach I took. Like, “Ok, hmm. They said you’re supposed to drink a sip of water every three bites….ok, bite…bite…bite…oops, we almost forgot the water!” Similarly, if they’re about to do something to hurt themselves, correcting them like it was my mistake.
This has limited applicability and maybe isn’t at all the type of instructions you’re referring to. Reading all these posts is bringing back so many memories for me, though!
I’m really interested in the things that you may learn about how to replace ‘good job!’ with more useful language! I’ve often defaulted to trying to frame things as a request or a joint project that we’re both working on, then saying ‘thanks’ when they do their part, but that can often feel overly contrived. Since it’s been family, we’ve then vacillated between awkward silence and studious conversation about something else entirely the few times it’s come up, and I’d love to have more options at the ready.
Not sure if this applies, but things I say to co-workers when they do something I am happy about are: “That’s impressive/am impressed (at how you deal with this etc)”, “Yay! teamwork!”, “success!”, “you’re becoming a pro at this”, “that actually exceeded my expectations”, “You made that look easy but I know it’s really hard”, “that (what you just did) was really helpful”, “I really like it/appreciate it when you do this” or “I really like how you did that”. Hope it helps!
I’ve never known that I’m supposed to say the one I’d prefer as the 2nd option of a “two choices” offer! Really? This works?? Intrigued. (I read parenting stuff, really I do! Never heard this, though!)
SUPPOSEDLY, although I don’t know how thoroughly it can be tested, since the “knowing what someone would ACTUALLY prefer” part is hidden. But that’s the idea. So if the child wants the power of choosing but doesn’t actually care what he has for breakfast, and you say “Do you want eggs or cereal?” (secretly hoping for cereal because it’s quicker and means fewer dishes and less trouble), he’s more likely to choose cereal because he heard that word most recently. It works even better with people who have some dementia, because they may actually forget the first choice by the time they hear the second choice, and because they are best able to process words that are at the ends of sentences (so we also say things like “Time to go to the bathroom” instead of “Bathroom time”).
I notice that nurses (in doctors’ offices or in hospitals) mostly say things like “Great,” “Thanks,” “There we are/go,” “All done,” or even just “Okay” when I’ve done something they asked me to do, such as turn over, pee in a cup, go for a post-surgery walk, have a blood draw, or whatever. They will sometimes tell me what the next step will be (“Okay, I’ll take that to be analyzed now”/ “Great, you can get back in bed now,”/ “Thanks, the doctor will be in in a bit.”) Sometimes not. This seems like normal interaction with a caregiver and not patronizing the way “Good job!” would be.
I am very interested in replacements for “good job.” It just doesn’t seem right to high five adults.
One tip that works well with my kids and my husband’s granny is to give choices on “how” not “what”. So you might ask “would you like to eat your cereal in the dining room or in the kitchen?” rather than ask if they want eggs or cereal, because you don’t have time to clean up eggs. This can be really helpful in reducing resistance to required activities “Before you go to bed you need to use the bathroom – would you like to use the downstairs or upstairs bathroom?” Then they focus on the choice rather than the activity they don’t want to do. This technique only works if they also get choices about “what” mixed in.
I am reading these comments with GREAT INTEREST as I have noooo ideeaaaa what good / appropriate responses are in ANY of these situations, and I am eagerly taking in all information and ideas.
This is why I love the internet so much sometimes. I learn so much about subjects that would be really difficult to get info on otherwise, all from real other human beings.
Swistle, thank you for often being the impetus for this learning :)
I don’t have children so I don’t have Mom Voice, but I do have Teacher Voice, which might be just as bad in a situation like this. What I’ve done is try to think of myself not as the caregiver, but as a friend or peer or even a personal trainer… like on a parallel level if that makes sense.
So instead of Good Job, I try to use the regular encouraging phrases I would with a friend my own age. I am probably irritating people with my high fives and “Ooh happy dance time!” but those are cheery things I say/do regularly so they at least come out in my normal voice.
You’d think I might have some advice, seeing as I’ve spent 5 years working with the elderly. And yet….
Oh! I do have one thing, I don’t know if this applies in your specific situation, but here it is: I switched from saying “no problem” to “my pleasure.” It feels nicer and less like “you’re a huge inconvenience to me.”