When I took this new job, saying to myself, “I can always just quit,” I thought of that as mere anxiety-suppressing reassurance: I did not ACTUALLY think it would be such a failure I’d want to quit. I thought I was just helping myself over the hurdle.
I’ve NEVER quit a job in the first week or even the first month. I’m always anxious and upset at first: that’s normal. But I don’t make panicked plans to quit. On yesterday’s 5-hour shift, on my third day of work, I spent quite a bit of it mentally composing what I’d say to the employer. “It’s just not a good fit.” “I’d thought it would be great, but actually it’s not working out at all. I’m sorry.” “I hate it. It turns out it is every single thing I hate about everything.” “Please, don’t pay me for hours worked so far: you’ve had to go to considerable trouble and expense to background-check, hire, and train me, and I would feel awful if you also had to PAY me for this failed experiment.”
I’m not quitting yet. But. This job is so different from what I had in mind. Here are the ways:
1. I’d thought, “I will be keeping people from having to go to nursing homes when all they need is a little help with a few minor things and going to a nursing home would be ridiculous just for that!” I didn’t realize I’d end up thinking in some cases, “Wait. WHY not a nursing home? Because that makes WAAAAYYYY more sense here.”
2. In my fantasy, I was an expert at this. In real life, I am not. I am barely trained. My training was nine hours of educational paperwork that made me want to go to a fall-out shelter with 50 gallons of bleach, and four hours of following someone on their shift. That’s it. That’s all. That’s how trained I am. Hi! I can take care of your elderly loved one! I’m used to the CO-WORKER mode of training, where at first I spend all my shifts working with another co-worker who tells me everything and corrects everything I do wrong and shows me all the best ways to do things and is there for all my questions. I’m not used to this thing where I just…start working.
3. In my fantasy, I was comfortable with everything, an angel of efficiency and competence. In real life, I am not. I am IN SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE. I don’t know how ANYTHING works there; I don’t know where anything IS there. I don’t know where the sink-disposal switch is. I don’t know where the trash goes. I don’t know how they like a BLT made. I have never made tapioca before. It is everything I hate: trying to do the right thing when I don’t know what the right thing is and can’t figure it out and in some cases can’t even ask (and in other cases feel like I’m driving people crazy with too many questions); I have to guess. It’s my own personal nightmare. PASS THE TEST! YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE CLASS.
4. Worst of all, if someone doesn’t want my help, or doesn’t like the way I do things, I take it personally. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW FULL-WELL I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO. If an elderly man doesn’t like the dinner I give him, and later rejects my help with the lid of his medication even though his daughter told me to help him, I TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I feel like he’s not rejecting help, he’s rejecting MY help. The caregiver I trained with was totally shruggy: “Whatever. Some days they don’t want help. Put ‘refused’ on the form.” THAT is the way to be.
Well. The only thing keeping me from giving up and quitting right now is the slim hope that even though I haven’t felt this way with previous jobs, this is nevertheless New Job Anxiety, and that soon I WILL feel comfortable and WILL know what I’m doing and WON’T get so upset about things. Well, and that it would be so embarrassing to quit, and that it was SO HARD to make myself go through this process and I don’t want to have it go to waste and/or have to do it again for another job. I’m not sure how long to give it, though.
Oh, Swistle. You are the best mom, and I think elderly people turn back into the child they once were. Would it help to think of it as adult babysitting?
How long would you make a child stick out an extra-curricular you’d paid for? E.g. music or dance lessons? I think “a few months” is generally long enough to know whether your dislike of the job is new job anxiety or just a bad fit; I also suspect that doing some of this stuff that you hate could be thought of as good training – you are not struggling with not knowing how things are done, you are practicing being flexible and thinking on your feet and doing the best you can. It’s not failure, it’s information-gathering. Next time you’ll know more.
Working with people who aren’t wanting to do things is hard – I find it helps to think of it as trial and error (for me). If I say X, what will they do? Oh, ok, that worked (or didn’t). It takes the pressure off me (I said the WRONG THING) and puts the situation into perspective (Ok, that wasn’t the right thing to say to get them to cooperate).
New things! Hard! But Good!
These are helpful thoughts. Good training. Working on my weak areas. “Doesn’t work” vs. “WRONG!!” New things = hard but good.
Even if this doesn’t work, please don’t get discouraged. It’s ok to reject something that isn’t working to move on to the next thing. You’ve taken the first step out of the stay at home parent role. That is very hard to do. Very hard. Focus on that success. This may not be your forever job, but it’s ok for it to be your figuring things out job.
That sounds totally, legitimately, terrible. I vote for 3 more shifts, and then bail if it still sucks.
From what you say, the set-up makes it impossible for anyone to ever get this right. Sounds like you have to make it up as you go along. This would be a nightmare for any highly-conscientious person like you. No wonder your trainer was shruggy: probably shruggy is the only attitude that works. Will you get any sort of feedback from your employer soon? Maybe this nightmare is par for the course at first.
BTW I would totally be a nervous wreck too.
I think you’re doing really well to stick at something that’s so hard. I know I’d find that really damn hard too!
My assvice is to write down a few specific things so you can compare yourself, shift after shift. Like if you’re going back to the same houses once a day, or once a week, or whatever. I assume that’s a thing? I hope that’s a thing? That’s awful if not! If you ARE going back to the same houses, then make a note about how you felt at that house the first shift, and the things you learned. Make a note the next time about how these things you’d learned were really helpful this second shift but it turned out you didn’t need THAT thing you learned, so much.
Or if you’d find it more helpful to look at individual skills, then do it that way. Like today I had to ask this person this question about their dinner and it was better/worse than when I had to do it yesterday with a different person.
Maybe consider rating yourself, with how skilled you feel at something (like your skills at making tapioca will be improving now!) and/or how comfortable you feel about it.
Looking at notes like that might make you feel a bit more able to see progress. And the progress you see might or might not be enough to make you feel like it’s worth staying for another (week/month/hour).
I think it’s good to keep in mind (though I’m sure you know this!) that if you’re not sure *right now* about whether to quit, it’s okay to not decide yet. Keep going *for now*, you don’t have to have a specific end date in mind by which you MUST have made a decision.
I feel for you. I hope a little of this assvice is a little useful, but I understand if you’ve thought of it already!
This is good stuff. I’ve been carrying around a little notebook and trying to jot things down anyway, so I could add this. Yes, I’ll regularly have new houses to add, but they like to keep caregivers going to the same houses as much as possible. I like the “it’s okay not to decide yet.”
That’s the approach I used when I went back to work after my first maternity leave, and here I am, seven years later, still at it (and happy).
Oof, that is really hard. My mom had to be in an assisted living facility for a while and then had some at-home nurses, and the dynamic is hard for the families too — but I always appreciated the workers’ patience (well, the ones who WERE patient) so much. SO much. Does it help to remember that you are doing an amazing act of kindness for the families, and giving them a little peace of mind for part of the day? I’m not sure if thinking of it as an act of kindness helps, but it definitely is one.
I do your take-the-shopping-cart-out-of-the-parking-space act of kindness all the time — “it isn’t a huge thing, but it is one little and easy thing that I can do to make a tiny piece of the world a tiny bit better” — and your new job is on a much grander and more life-changing scale than that, even if it doesn’t feel like it on a moment-to-moment basis.
I think my fear right now is that I’ll make things WORSE. Like, I won’t get someone into bed properly, and she’ll be uncomfortable all night and have a sore neck in the morning, and then her family will come in and see how she’s in bed and think “Ahhhhhgg! We can’t leave her or else things will be done wrong! And oh man, she didn’t realize the in-sink disposal doesn’t work well and now we have to call a plumber!”
Is it possible that that fear is what makes you a good fit for this job? It is very difficult to be in a job where people really depend on you, especially when your employer isn’t 100% your ally in helping you do the job the way you feel like it should be done (skimping on training, not documenting the little details that matter to the patients but probably aren’t billable to medicare). But these people deserve someone who will worry about all these things, so long as its a motivating kind of worry and not a paralyzing one.
I agree. I feel for the anxiety Swistle is going through, but her tone of concern really comes through. I would want my loved ones with someone who cared so much.
I totally agree. When I was reading this I thought “OH! She is concerned she’s not doing well, that is GOOD.” That means you care. And, after watching all four of my Grandparents need elder care, I can tell you there are SO many that just do not care. And I agree, so much, with what caro below says “I would want my loved ones with someone who cared so much.” You are making a difference. A good difference. Even if you “screw up”, you are concerned about it and that says SO, SO much.
It’s okay to quit if needed. I always think two weeks is a reasonable time to get your bearing, but my experience is in full time positions, so I would say two weeks or ten shifts.
Also, you deserve to be paid for your work, legally and morally. Businesses know they are taking a risk with each new hire, so don’t feel guilty if you have to quit!
As someone whose MIL needed help at home during her final years, THANK YOU for doing this, and rest assured that even if you put the gravy on wrong, clog the disposal, and mis-adjust the pillows, allowing someone who wants to be at home to be at home is a huge gift.
I thought my MIL would have been much happier in a continuing care community — she was very social, and once my FIL died, she couldn’t get out regularly. But while I was thinking, “You need to be able to see people and chat frequently,” her main need was to be in the house she’d lived in for 50 years and to be allowed to make that decision.
Good intentions, cheerfulness, and a kind heart make a world of difference.
My good friend works in a home for developmentally disabled adults, and has for years. Here is what I think, based on hearing her talk about working there, training people in (she was a manager for a while, then went down to part time regular working to pursue a higher paid career), and seeing her parent:
Some of this is personality (patience, ability to be flexible), but a lot of it is learned. How to ask people to do things they might not want to do in a way that respects them as adults but still has them mostly choosing the option they should. How to deal emotionally with working with someone for a shift that doesn’t want your help, or that lashes out at you. The household stuff as well – making different kinds of food, and how to be efficient at what you are doing. Seeing how she acts with her kids has me convinced that a lot of it was training from her job. And it’s been good for ME as a parent to see her handle situations.
I agree that if you aren’t sure you don’t need to make a decision right now, but I would also encourage you to stick it out just a bit longer, taking notes like Meg suggested, and see if things get better. Some of the resistance to you helping is probably related to you being a new person too. It has to be hard to be well enough to live on your own, but need help, and have a stranger come into your house every day. I would feel frustrated with myself and want to do as much as I can on my own too.
Anyway, I hope you feel better about it soon. And regarding “making it worse,” I don’t think most families are going to blame you for something you couldn’t have helped or known about. I certainly wouldn’t. I would make a mental note that I should add a little sign by the sink saying the disposal doesn’t work well, or call the place that employs you to let them know if there are tricks to getting your customer to cooperate and how to get them in bed properly, or whatever. But I would view it as my own fault for not letting you know right away.
Good luck! What you are doing is really great and important, and if you don’t like it then it’s totally ok (and good!) to quit. You don’t want to be miserable while you are there, you know?
I’m going to agree with Gwen–whether or not you’re doing things perfectly, you are doing them with kindness and good intentions, and it is such a huge help to the families. As it happens, today my mom is planning to go “nursing home shopping” for my 95-year-old grandmother. She *could* stay at her apartment if they could find someone like you to come in and help care for her a couple of times a day, but it’s a small town and there’s no service like that. What you do would be a God-send to them, and would keep my grandmother out of a nursing home for just a big longer, so please try to think of it that way: you are a blessing to these families, even when you don’t know where the paper towels are. :)
BUT. To answer your question: if you truly dislike the work itself, then I’d say three months would be a reasonable trial period.
One thing I fear about going back to work after ten years of not working is that I am like a feral animal, like a dog dressed in a tuxedo or something. I mean, staying at home with children is hard and requires insane organization skills, of the psychic variety even, but it’s still one that you can basically do in your pajamas. So being out there, doing similar work (cooking, making people comfortable) but for people who are adults and who are not at all related to you is super tricky, I can only imagine. But I think about how much I hated different stages of my kids’ lives, like I hate and despise the newborn stage because mine are all insane screamers and never sleep and all I do is nurse, etc., etc., but that stage really doesn’t last that long in that particular way. Like, even in the first twelve weeks with mine, it’s bad but nothing really lasts in the same way for more than two weeks, either they change or I change. So maybe two weeks? Or the equivalent of two weeks?
Swistle, I think you are so smart and have such a brilliant take on things, I really feel like this is not beyond you! Then again, I think you ARE so smart and maybe the brilliant take you have on this is that you don’t want to do it anymore.
My son has a respite care worker come to our house 16.5 hours a week. My husband and I were so, so nervous about it at first because we have three other kids, we didn’t know how my son would react, etc. etc. The woman that comes is just wonderful and I’m trying to think what is wonderful about her. She is really nice to my other kids and to my husband and me but she focuses 99% of her attention on my son. She is completely herself with him, that is, she is a young woman and she talks in kind of hip and cute ways to him, fist bumps him and makes a “pssshhhh!” sound as she is exploding her hand, says that Anthony “jacked’ some of her fries at lunch, etc. She offers to do stuff for us all the time, things for Anthony, I mean. I’ll say, “I’m just going to run up and make his bed” and she says “I can do that, Joanne, where are the sheets?” and then that’s just the way it is going forward.
I hope that it gets better, I think writing things down is a great idea and I hope that shifts 4,5 and 6 beat the heck out of the first three and maybe it will keep going up from there? I wish you lots of luck!
I work as a speech-language pathologist in a nursing home, a subacute rehab, and in-home. You have the toughest job I’ve observed in these settings.
I think you’re probably fantastic at it, too – as another commenter touch on, having good intentions, a kind touch, a gentle (or jokingly bossy, but still kind) tone of voice count for 99% of it, because so many people in your position become burnt-out and not-gentle and not-kind. Knowing their preferences, the quirks of their home, will come in time. And even though you will get new clients/families every so often, your comfort with the not-knowing and the process of getting-to-know will increase – it’ll just be what happens the first few days/weeks.
I’d give it at least a month to two months to allow yourself that breaking-in period – if you still truly hate it, then by all means quit. But give yourself a chance to become proficient.
I agree with Kate: I was going to suggest a month or two. You need time to see if you can settle in and become familiar with your job and the households/people you work in/with, but you also need to give yourself permission to leave if it’s really not for you.
I think the fact that you are concerned about doing a good job, and anxious that you might be doing a bad job because you don’t know the ropes yet, is a sign that you will be great at this job! Just not yet because you’re new. Certainly if I were in the position to hire a caregiver like you, I would want a conscientious one instead of one that was ambivalent about following steps and kind of “whatever” about the whole thing.
The other thing is, if you can handle it — why not ask your supervisor what most people have trouble with, when they are new? Think of it as collecting some data on how other new employees perform, what are some particular pitfalls that they have. You may find that some of those common pitfalls are things that you feel confident about, or are good at, already. If not, then you’ll have something concrete to remind yourself of, instead of generally feeling like you aren’t up to par — something like “Oh, they said most people forget to sign the medicine log at the end of the day, so I’ll make sure I do that.”
The last time I started a new job it took me at least TWO MONTHS to feel like I knew what I was doing. Seriously! And that was just a boring office job with low people management. I hope you will keep going and won’t feel too discouraged.
Oh Swistle, I am so sorry that you feel this way. I think that providing in home care is a HARD job, especially for someone like you who is conscientous about how they serve others. I would encourage you though to give it a bit longer—maybe set a deadline like 4 weeks or 6 weeks, then re-evaluate? Like one of the commenters above, think of it in terms of what sort of goals you would set for your kids taking lessons. It is just going to take a while to learn what to worry about vs. what to be flexible about.
Both of my grandparents had in-home caregivers when (to outsiders at least) it probably seemed like they needed to be in a nursing home. The primary reason for both of them to do that vs. a nursing home was that they wanted to remain at home and also suffered from dementia–with any sort of memory issues, transitions like moving are very distressing, so being able to keep them in a familiar environment (even when they didn’t really realize it was their house) was important. It is certainly more expensive than a nursing home (or at least it was for my family), so these families are making real sacrifices to keep their loved ones at home.
When I think back to the best caregivers, they were nice and respectful and treated my grandparents like people–even when I know it would’ve been hard to see them as real people as opposed to elderly people with failing minds. It was also nice for our family to just be able to focus on spending time with my grandparents as opposed to being the ones to have to do everything (like bathing, moving from bed, etc.).
I really think you should give it a while–it sounds like most of your dislike of the job so far is just due to a lack of confidence–which is totally understandable!!–but I think will improve with time. I have no doubt that you are doing a good job because you are wanting to do a good job (which is the most important)! Best wishes.
My family has 24 hour care for my grandparents in their home…let me just say you are doing something incredible for the families you are working for. And my elderly grandparents were fiercly independent until the last year, and losing that independence has made then feel cranky and like a burden, so when a patient tells you that you did something “wrong” try to remember that that patient is struggling too. Struggling to find a new normal with somewhat strangers in your home, dealing with losing independence, ect. I will also add that the caregivers who am been with us for a few months are like family, they celebrate birthdays, holidays, special lunches etc. with us.
I don’t know you at all and have barely started reading your blog and never commented (got here via your baby names page) but I have to say that I think you are doing a great job already.
My neighbor has a physically and mentally disabled daughter and a husband with Alzheimers and she has in-home care for both of them, just so that she can get out and run errands without them sometimes or try to get a little break. Having observed the caregivers at her house for years, I can say that they are generally awful: don’t show up half the time, don’t bother to even try to follow directions, sleep on the job (literally, my neighbor came home recently to find the aid asleep on the couch while her daughter sat alone in her bedroom…thankfully her husband didn’t escape the house!)
Anyway, the point is that even the fact that you are remotely concerned about your clients puts you above and beyond thr majority of aids I have witnessed.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
I say you give the honest go of any new activity. “Through the summer” perhaps.
I’m thinking if I signed my son up for something, and he hated it, but we had gone through all the work and hurdle jumping of getting him into it. I would make him ‘stick it out’ for a couple months I think, to work out that it was truly not a good fit, and not just my child rejecting a new thing.
Obviously you’re not a child, but I think the same logic can apply.
If it was terrible coworkers or a strange boss or something I think you would KNOW RIGHT AWAY that the job was Not For You, and I would give you (through my Royal Internet Authority) permission to quit.
But getting used to a new and strange thing is a bit different I think, and requires a bit more torture at the beginning to see if you REALLY hate it, or just hate it for now.
It will also be nice once you get your first paycheck, and have the dollars in your hands, and can decide, were those hours worth these dollars? I find that an actual paycheck can put that into much clearer perspective than the theory of what money I might make.
Oh, that is hard! Advice-wise, I like what’s been said above, and have a few additions:
– if you really dislike the *work,* then I think 2 weeks/10 shifts is definitely enough time to know if it’s a bad fit. If you’re fine with the work, but hate feeling incompetent, I’d give it longer – more like 4 weeks/15-20 shifts.
– it sounds like this job requires you to be your own boss in a lot of ways. You’re doing that when it comes to training yourself, but I’d consider expanding that out to evaluating yourself, too. If you can take a (quick) snapshot of where you are now, then you can compare it to where you are 3 shifts from now. My guess is that you’ll be a lot *more* comfortable with things, even if you’re not *fully* comfortable with them, and it’s easy to miss that kind of progress. (That might not be enough to make you want to stay, but it’s a good way to make sure you’re giving yourself credit for things.)
– I like plans, so I’d have a plan in place for what you do if you’re still uncertain about what to do after a few more shifts. Would feedback from a supervisor help? If you like the work but still hate the (lack of) structure, are there any part-time positions in a nursing home that you could look into, and then use that to help this feel more like parodie’s training?
And lastly, I hope that you’re giving yourself Crappy Day Presents to get through this – starting a new job is nerve-wracking under the best circumstances, much less when dealing with this lack of support!
It’s funny, I’d thought I’d PREFER not working with other people, but now I DO wonder if I’d prefer working in a nursing home!
Maybe you would like working on your own after a year or two of working in a nursing home?
When my mother in law was dying, we had her in a lovely hospice that was close enough to our house that my husband could go see her during the day, and I could stop by and spend time with her in evenings on my way home from work. She hated it. HATED IT. She wanted to be home, in her house with her things. And yet, she was really too sick to be home by herself. In the end, we figured out a way to move her home and hire a home health aide like you, and it made all the difference in the world to her. And to everyone else in a horrible, stressful disastrous time for the family. So keep that in mind — you may be worried that you aren’t doing everything perfectly — but to the families of the people you are helping, you are an incredible gift. You have no idea how much it meant to know she was safe and watched over. So maybe that will help to keep in mind too. They don’t always need an expert so much as someone who is willing to try to help.
It’s hard starting a new job, and it’s especially hard if it’s just YOU and not YOU AND CO-WORKERS. I totally get that. I think I would try to stick it out for 6-8 weeks to see if it improves (it will, because you’ll learn things). I also think that the people you work with will get used to you as you get used to them. For the elderly, they probably get just as anxious with change as you do, so perhaps they are not as helpful as one might hope for (i.e., letting you help with the medication bottle, etc.). You know, “Swistle isn’t the same as Mary was.” But that’s not a bad thing, it’s just life, and the longer you do it the easier it will become. After a few weeks with the same people, you’ll just get in the rhythm of it all. I can see how you’d take it personally – I would too – but that co-worker is right, sometimes they just “refuse” and that’s okay. It’s not your fault!
My grandmother was just terrible at the end of her life – didn’t want help with anything even though she needed help with everything! The families know this is the case. I was always so impressed by all her caregivers who did not lose patience and in general could just ignore the complete irrationality of it all. To me this is a key part of the job – realize the person somehow is not making any sense in spite of all the mean things they say. It’s tough though – b/c unlikely a toddler who is actually irrational, this is an adult person who has moments of rationality. I think the hardest part of that job would not be the technical part but instead just learning to deal with people who are in a difficult situation and therefore often behave badly – and yet, there is nothing you can do about it and mustn’t take it personally. I wouldn’t think of yourself as a failure if it turns out you can’t cope with it! It’s like dealing with a 90-year old toddler but with 90 years of wisdom vs 2. NOT EASY.
Well! I feel I can be of use here! I work as a scheduler for a Home Support agency. Your co-worker should not be your only manner of support – there should be care plans (either in the home or at the office) available to you, as well as your supervisor and the schedulers themselves, who will be able to tell you particulars about each client. Do not EVER be afraid or embarrassed to call in and say ‘Hey, I want to do a great job. HELP me.’ Use the other family as a sounding-board, and keep a little notebook. Most of the new HSWs here have notebooks for the first six months.
This isn’t an easy job. Don’t sell yourself short.
A few years ago I was in a volunteer position that came with tons of responsibility–Board president of the local food co-op, a multi-million $ store front with thousands of opinionated owner-members. It required me to do a lot of things outside my introverted comfort zone such as chairing meetings, summarizing multiple viewpoints/opinions, traveling to conferences. All for no pay–only intangible rewards such as community respect, belief in the business model, cannot even remember them all now, the things I told myself were good for me to do/learn. In exasperation I finally consulted a therapist to hash out the issue. After listening to my litany/perceptions/excuses for a couple of sessions she asked, “Why is it that you don’t trust your own experience?” That stopped me in my tracks. It literally took me several months to come up with a satisfactory answer for what seemed like such a simple question. Not sure if you’ll find it applicable, and it’s true I wasn’t earning money (although for a long time I was viewing it as valuable job experience for a future parallel move), but sometimes situations just aren’t a good fit even when we’re masterful at arguing it from all sides. I think situations that are a good fit for us are like a good pair of shoes–you shouldn’t need weeks to break them in.
Maybe it’s not the best fit for your personality. You analyze situations. I am not sure that this is a good job for someone with that level of introspection. And this is in no way a criticism of you – I love your posts about the start of volunteering, should a kid have opposite sex friends in their room, etc.
Maybe this job needs someone who offers the pudding cup with kindness and can just shrug it off if it is rejected. A level of indifference is probably helpful. And not indifference in that you don’t care if they get their pillow fluffed in just they way they like it to be fluffed. More like indifference in that you know you gave it a good try and that has to be enough.
I would hate this job. It seems like all of the gruntwork side of homemaking but without the love and sense of family that makes it worthwhile. Plus it seems to be very isolating. No lunch with coworkers or chitchat in the break room. I could, however, care for someone that I cared for.
If it were me I would give it another week (someone mentioned 10 shifts) and then quit. And not feel bad at all. I would probably rather work at a bakery. I hear they get to take home what doesn’t sell.
This might be a weird way of saying this, but the fact that you care this much about how you are doing means you are exactly the right kind of person to be doing this job! Your patients are lucky to have you, and you will learn the ropes. It sounds like it’s a very “tribal knowledge” kind of thing (quite prevalent in what I do, too) that once you’ve mastered your patient’s personal preferences you will be great.
The only thing that improves new-job anxiety is time. You will get there (if you want to).
So I wrote a comment on the previous one, but my children were pestering me at the time and I went back and read it and it was nearly incoherent. I’ll try again while they are all out of my hair for a moment.
1) While you must remember that the person you are helping is a person first and foremost, you should also consider that they are very likely going to act like children. I.e. get upset, have unreasonable expectations, possibly throw a fit. Like a toddler. While it is VERY HARD not to take it personally, that is EXACTLY what you have to do.
2) The nice thing about the elderly is that, for the most part, you don’t have to worry about “spoiling” them. Let me give an example. My grandfather, when at home with hospice and having full-time help from lovely people like yourself, became obsessed with wearing his shoes. He couldn’t walk or get out of bed, but he wanted to wear his shoes. So, of course we put them on him whenever he asked. He also was diabetic, but near the end the only thing he wanted was ice cream. Sure! Eat all you want. Now, I’m sure not everyone you help is on hospice, but it helps to remember that indulging the elderly really has no downside.
3) Elderly people will very likely say irrational things. When my grandmother is ill, she becomes convinced that her entire family is lying to her and conspiring against her. She’ll say awful things. I try to think of her as a toddler with an adult vocabulary and laugh (later – you have to laugh instead of cry).
4) I don’t think any amount of training would help unless you were receiving training in each home from a caregiver who had spent significant time in that home and can show you all the ins and outs. That just isn’t going to happen. The families know that you don’t know where everything is, and trying and doing your best is the best you can do. Caring, smiling, and being kind go a LOOOOONG way.
That said – I agree with the others’ recommendations of 10 shifts. If after 10 shifts you still have everything, quit.
I totally empathize with you. I’ve worked in a job with little training. As in, “Here’s how we do the job, shadow me for an hour, and then go deal with big-name actor who can publicly humiliate you and then have you fired if he doesn’t like you.” In my case, I powered through because I was a single mom and desperately needed the paycheck. Maybe in your case, you can power through on the thought that every hour spent on the job is an hour NOT spent listening to children bicker from summer vacation boredom.
A close friend worked as a home health aide. I remember her telling me some stories similar to yours but she ended up loving the job. She moved on to working as a CNA in a hospital and then a cardiology clinic so that she could make more money, but she’s now considering moving back to home health. She says it’s the one job where because she felt she was really helping people.
Maybe you can ask the patient a question like, ‘do you like your blt (or whatever) done in a particular way?, my son doesn’t like mayo on the bottom because it prevents the bacon juices from getting to the bread’ or whatever. Then, judging by the answer you’ll know if the patient is the type that cares about things being done in a particular way, and thus there’s no such things as too many questions, or if the patient just wants a blt, in which case you can make it (and everything else) as YOU like it.
Also, have you checked for forums or facebook groups for carers? My sister used to work in the reception area of a hospital and they had a forum where everybody vented/ talked about things that they struggled with or funny things the patients did and it really helped her feel validated.
Also, thank you for sharing this with us. I’ve been thinking too about working part-time as a carer and wondered about the downsides nobody tells you about. So far, it sounds like it might be tough but rewarding. I don’t mind new houses or patients yelling at me-they’re a test to my patience, maturity and a challenge to my introversion without having to be around extroverts-however, I’m not sure how well I’d cope with bodily fluids or dangerous health situations, so I’m still on the fence. Thank you for doing the ‘reckoning’ for someone like me who’s still thinking about it though!
Man, this sounds really hard. I agree with so many people here: the fact that you’re concerned probably means you are just the kind of person who SHOULD be doing this. However, that is only taking the patients’ side into consideration…. are you the kind of person who should be doing this, or will it negatively impact your OWN self? Like, if I had O- blood that is super good for donations, but had to be hospitalized every time I gave blood, would I still donate regularly just because I knew it was good for other people, despite its effect on me?
Not to say this is bad for you or that you can’t handle it. But I can see where, in case it were affecting you negatively, it might be hard to quit if you had to weigh it against the good you’re doing.
I have no actual advice, just a sympathy hug and offer of a large virtual glass of wine. I hope it gets easier, and if it doesn’t, I hope quitting goes easily instead :)
I know this feels like a very serious job and it is. But maybe if you could find the humor in all the mess? I mean COME ON. Do these people really expect you to just magically KNOW all of this? WHATEVER. So impossible it’s kind of hilarious:).
I’ve wanted to applaud in reply to just about every comment on this post, because everyone makes such good points: YES, do a few more shifts to help you decide whether it’s just discomfort and jitters or genuine dislike of the work; YES, eldery people can be a challenge to work with, especially as they lose their independence (my recently-departed grandmother’s carers were also subject to periodic shout-whispered conversations where my grandmother raised her doubts to anyone visiting about their abilities to care for her properly); YES, getting a paycheck and being able to put a dollar amount (or a cute-fox-mug equivalent) to each shift will probably help you make some decisions; YES, you should definitely quit if you feel it isn’t right for you.
One of the things I found most interesting was the issue of whether you’d prefer the structure of the nursing home, vs. being in someone’s home, and it makes me think of your discussions of the concerns of having family come to visit and whether they’d want to stay with you and what would happen in either case. Perhaps part of the struggle is the normal stress of entering someone else’s home and trying to do “normal” activities, but in a setting that is unfamiliar to you but very personal to them. As if you were going to visit relatives you didn’t know very well who told you to “help yourself,” but then even making a cup of coffee is, “can I use these spoons? do they just throw out their coffee grounds? how does this coffee pot work? will I be making too much noise? will they consider it rude that I make myself three cups and use all of their fancy creamer?” I think that feeling will probably subside as time goes on and you become more comfortable.
I once transferred from one retail outlet to another, from a part time job I really loved to one I DREADED going to, and I quit after 4 weeks/about 8 shifts. I didn’t like the feeling I had in between those shifts of hating the idea of going back to “that place.” I had never quit a job without a backup plan, but I knew it wasn’t the right fit. I think you’ll reach that point where it’s so clear to you that you have no doubt that you should quit. And as long as you have doubt, maybe keep trying?
Remember your well being is important, very important, and there are many ways to contribute to your community and others’ well being. When I was in a job that didn’t suit me, I developed anxiety – having never experienced it before, I didn’t know what was going on, and assumed I was just stressed, tired and frequently sick because of the lack of sleep. I finally sought help, and my counsellor explained that if your job ‘drains’ you of energy, you should, if it is possible, find a new job. The job you want is a job that energises you, that gives more than it takes from you. You may work long hours, and be exhausted at the end of a shift, but if the work lifts your spirit, engages you, feels good or otherwise feeds your soul, then you will stay healthy and vibrant. The job that takes more than it gives will ultimately make you unwell, and reduce your capacity to do any good in the world.
Perhaps you will come to love this job, but if you don’t, prioritise your well being and look for something that suits you better – everyone will benefit.
And just a reminder, you are a wonderful, wonderful writer. Writers do an awful lot of good, too.
I had in home care for my mom before she would agree to be in a assisted living facility. In all honesty, I didn’t expect things to be done perfectly or even that well. I expected them to: help her so she didn’t fall, try to cook for her (she had a poor appetite so she rejected most things expect ice cream) pick up around the apartment, feed the cats, get the mail. Mostly, they just hung out with her and watched Judge Judy which was fine too. You put a lot of pressure on yourself because you care so much. This is great for your employer and the people in your care but less great for you because it stresses you out. I’m the same way. It’s great that you are trying this and it might work out but if it doesn’t, it’s not your fault. It’s just a bad fit like you said.
Swistle, I was so overcome with tenderness when reading this. I have NOTHING helpful – except the certainty that New Job Anxiety WILL pass – but I did want to offer some comfort: you are great at this. I just know that you are. You are kind and thoughtful and you think things through. You are compassionate and conscientious and I don’t care how LITTLE training you have, I would feel 100% comfortable leaving you to care for MY elderly loved one.
If this isn’t the job, it isn’t the job (although I understand the feeling of INVESTMENT and embarrassment at quitting something – believe me, I don’t think it’s EASY to say “it isn’t the right job”) and you will discover that.
But oh Swistle, hang in there a little longer! You are going to be such a help to your clients and such a balm to THEIR loved ones, knowing their family members are in your kind, capable hands.
I think you and I are a lot alike, in wanting to do things really well and feeling anxiety when faced with new situations or perceiving ourselves to be less competent than we’d hoped. I suspect that in a week or two, you’ll be much more acclimated, and it will be easier to tease out how much of this is New Situation Anxiety versus This Isn’t What I Was Expecting. If you can hang in there just a little longer, I think it will get a lot better (or at least more clear)!
After college, I started substitute teaching. I was in a new environment every day (so I had a lot of the “where is X?” and “how does Y work?!” experience). Also, like you, I had some difficult clients (kids can be rude sometimes, or at least unfiltered).
Anyway, subbing was SUCH a good job for meek, people-pleasing me, because I quickly became more confident in new situations. The BEST part was that I developed much thicker skin, and learned not to take anything personally. I realized that how people treat me has much more to do with THEM than it does with me, because I’m just trying to do my best. They may be having a bad day, or they’re trying to get attention, or any number of other reasons people act the way they do. While this job is hard right now, it may have the beneficial side effect of making you even stronger than you were before!
Well, I don’t know if this will help, but the way I see it is that it isn’t really analogous to the test-when-you’ve-never-taken-the-class scenario (which is also my own personal nightmare!!), because there is no articulated standard or plan. Which I understand is part of your problem, but if you look at it differently, can also be kind of freeing: without a specific set of instructions beyond the basic ones (make dinner!), you’re not accountable for the details. No one could criticize you for not knowing which dish detergent to use unless they tell you, so evidently, unless you’re told otherwise, figuring it out is just what you’re supposed to do. You aren’t expected to magically know every tiny thing. If you had a coworker there, it would be nice because you could sort things out with someone else, but apparently this is the way the job works; EVERYONE in your position has to figure it out, which means that some level of variance is built into the system. So you make the BLT the best you can, you ask questions of the right people (can you call the office for more details? ask a family member?), and then you just let it go.
I can absolutely imagine how maddening this is, but at the same time, I think it can be somewhat freeing to not have some rigid set of rules (the bacon must be EXTRA CRISPY), because you can’t really run afoul of them or mess anything up. If there’s a mess-up-able thing, then those are the things to call the office about or ask anyone who’s standing still.
Another way to think of it: imagine you signed up for a babysitting service that would send someone to your house once a week fora few hours. Sometimes it would be the same person, sometimes not. You wouldn’t expect the sitters to know everything about your house and how you run things, right? So you’d leave some instructions but not down to every last detail, and then you’d think, they will figure it out. They might not realize precisely how you or the children prefer their meals or bathtime to go, but would you care too much, assuming they didn’t break anything or set the house on fire while you were gone? No, right? If things were mislaid or the dishwasher loaded weird, you’d shrug it off as an acceptable consequence of the system. If the sitter called you once or twice to ask things, you’d be ok with that, too.
I think the people receiving your care, and their family members, appreciate what you’re doing, would be happy to help where needed, and aren’t going to sweat the smaller details.
I could not do that job with that little training. Can you request more help/support on site? It seems really unfair to me to drop you into someone’s home and expect you to know how to do everything. Can you write all of your questions down and either ask your Supervisor or a Family Member how to resolve your concerns/uncertainties?
“It’s my own personal nightmare. PASS THE TEST! YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE CLASS.”
OMG Swistle, you slay me.
I just wanted to add that when I started my job I was freaking out too–of boredom. I sat on this horrible rotating stool thing and stared at the wall for like 2 weeks of full time work. It killed my back and I was going slowly mad, but I was getting paid so I tried not to be too angry. The girls who were supposed to be training me said that they were so busy doing everything since they were short-staffed they didn’t have time to show me things as they were doing them. You would think training me would be the solution to their overworked status, but whatever.
Eventually they went to another part of the office and I was thrown into the job full throttle without much training. I messed up a lot. I got yelled at a lot. I cried (secretly). But I got better. Three years later, they have both since left the office and I’m the Head Lady Round These Parts who answers all the questions.
I guess what I mean to say is, it might get better and once you get your bearings, you may be one of the most requested caregivers.
My grandma passed away last year and the family finally decided (for my grandpa) that he needed help in the house. Does he THINK he needs help? No. Does he need help? Yes. But he keeps firing the people they hire for various reasons, most of which boil down to he doesn’t think he needs someone to take care of him. Case in point, the house is a disgusting mess of dog hair and various dirt that he just doesn’t see. My uncle had a cleaning lady come in and my grandpa made her leave because he “didn’t like the way she vacuumed.”
I guess my point is, seriously don’t take it personally. But since you already said that you KNOW that and DO IT ANYWAY b/c you are human, well…. I guess use this as a reminder that maybe, possibly, it’s not that people are rude because they don’t want YOU in their home; they are rude because they don’t want ANYONE in their home.
As usual, I have nothing helpful to contribute, just checking in as someone who is following this very anxiously and sympathetically.
I worked as a CNA (in a hospital) during the summer between high school and college. I’d worked plenty of jobs before that, and I’ve worked many since, and man—jumping into that job was a HUGE shock to my system, the biggest I’ve ever experienced in my work life. EVER.
You’re right up in people’s personal space, doing work that is often physically unpleasant (in the hospital setting there was lots of massive yuckiness to deal with—I’ll leave it at that), while also emotionally demanding/draining. A class of 8 of us went through 3 weeks of training, and after the on-the-job portion in Week 3, 2 people quit. I stuck it out for 6 months, during which I permanently ruled out a job in the health care field. Nursing is intense, and my brief brush with it convinced me that it’s more a calling/vocation than many other professions. Like, you can’t really have a casual interest in/mildly enjoy caregiving and expect to experience job satisfaction.
All that said, now that I’ve also experienced bringing home a newborn—the first few weeks of caregiving was like that for me. Disorienting, panic inducing. But my knowledge base and instincts developed SIGNIFICANTLY in a matter of weeks, to a degree that surprised me. And truthfully, even though I had co-workers, we didn’t “work together” like you do at other jobs. Each CNA was paired with a nurse and given a set of 4-6 patients each shift. Mostly the CNA and the nurse had different task lists and would be doing different things with different patients at different time. I was on my own A LOT, right from the beginning.
Anyway…I don’t think you’ll know how you feel about this job until you settle into it over a couple of months. But also: It’s definitely not Driving Miss Daisy, and there’s no shame in running for the hills.