Considering how free and joyful I used to feel when I could go grocery shopping without a child, I’m surprised to find things different now. It’s not really that I want to shop with a child again, but there are two things I miss about it:
1. The feeling of doubled productivity: taking care of a child AND getting shopping done. Both!
2. The company.
But it was that same doubled productivity I miss that used to lead to that harried, crazy, burdened, overwhelmed feeling; I do remember that. And after shopping today and hearing all the “Evelyn! NO! Evelyn! Stop that right now!” (Evelyn: *LOUD WHINY CRYING*) around me, it’s hard to believe I truly feel envious of the company, and it’s more likely that I don’t. And when I DO go shopping with a child, it doesn’t take long for me to say things like “Can you please let Mommy concentrate on this shampoo decision for 10 seconds?”
But I don’t feel free and joyful anymore when I go without a child, either. It’s like when I stop being sick and I think I’ll forever appreciate how good Not Sick feels, but then three days later that’s all done with and it’s back to normal and I don’t even notice feeling well. I’m so used to shopping without children, I’ve lost that intense appreciation for it.
And in fact, sometimes I feel a little inexplicable panic, or existential despair, or inexplicable existential panicky despair. What are we all doing here, with our carts of things, deciding between Pantene and Dove, listening to music made ridiculous by context (“Straight up now tell me do you really wanna love! me! forever!” as all of us non-Paula-Abduls study the laundry detergent choices), someone else’s child whining in the background like a ringing telephone I don’t have to answer, the child’s parent audibly about to lose it from the public embarrassment and frustration, people in matching outfits there to help us choose items and pay for them? What are we DOING here? What IS this? EVERYTHING IS TRAGIC AND SCARY. A child in my cart helped keep my mind off all that, I think.
********
I watched another movie with older people (40s, it looked like to me) being attracted to each other. It was called Le Declin de L’Empire Americain (The Decline of the American Empire), and I enjoyed finding I remembered more high school French than I’d thought. But the movie felt kind of plotless, and the fashions and hair were so extremely 1980s. Isn’t it funny how hard it can be to tell if someone from another time period is good-looking or not?
For 40% of the movie, we watch the four women talk to each other about sex while they seriously spend the entire day exercising and attending to their appearance. For 40% of the movie, we watch the four men talk to each other about sex while they get dinner ready. For 10% of the movie, we see little flashbacks/asides that tell us more of the story than is being talked about. For 10% of the movie, we see all eight people having dinner together.
There is nudity just all over the place, but done in an interestingly frank way, so that it doesn’t even seem sexy, just sort of ordinary. Everyone is SO sexually adventurous, it was a little depressing: it made me feel inexperienced, while simultaneously making the more adventurous way of life unappealing. The way some of the men are so casual about cheating on their wives made me feel nervous and upset. And there’s a part where they say “And what’s with women always wanting to take classes?,” which made me feel red-faced and like I wanted to put the course catalog in the recycling—but also indignant, like “Yeah, your trips to the happy-ending massage parlors are a MUCH better way to spend time! Jerk!”
So you’d think I was not recommending the movie, and actually I’m not (I’m not ANTI-recommending it either, but I am not pushing you to see it)—but on the other hand, when I saw on Wikipedia that there was a sequel, I immediately added it to my list, so that tells another story.
Oh, your existential panic made me LOL. Who knew that “Mommy? Mommy?” could be so HELPFUL!
Ugg, I’m down an aging/dying rabbit hole started by that Being Mortal book and these feelings are WICKED FAMILIAR right now.
I am right there with you on the existential panicky despair of shopping alone. Sometimes it seems to FUN to escape, and other times it’s like, “seriously, this?” You said it perfectly.
I remember when going to Target was a fun outing. My kids were generally well behaved, tolerated the soap/paper products shopping , and got a blast out of the toys/books/seasonal stuff. The best trips were on days that new Disney movies were released. Buy the movie, some candy and a few tie-in toys. Go home. Eat the candy while playing with the toys and watching the movie over and over again. Now it’s just me pushing a somewhat sticky cart (thanks, Starbucks), buying cat litter and trying to remember if it’s been long enough to be able to buy Sudafed again. *sigh*
Definitely watch Les Invasions Barbares, the sequel to Le Déclin. The characters are 20 years older and the story is quite touching (and sad too, bring tissues!). You will enjoy having watched the first movie to understand the characters and see the contrast between them in their 40s and their 60s. I’m from Québec (where the movie is from) and I remember going to see it when it came out! I can’t wait to read your review of that one.
Yes! I was going to say exactly this. I never show the first one to my students, but regularly show the second one. It’s still a very TALKY movie, but it’s wonderful. If anyone is wondering if they have to watch the first one in order to get the second one — no, you don’t, the second one stands alone quite well. But you wouldn’t be sorry you’d watched the first one, either, for context.
My two oldest children were seriously delightful company on shopping trips. I miss them so much- until I actually take them and now they are at the age where all they do is whine and demand things. My youngest, who is the one I could enjoy those trips with the longest, is a horrible shopping companion and spends all of every trip screaming his head off. And it makes me long even more for the days when shopping with my kids was fun. And when I go by myself I feel extremely lonely. And like my kids are growing up too fast and how on earth did THAT happen and then I realize that every parent in the world has had those feelings which means that one day before I know it I will be very old and feeling those feelings and glaring at young people who think they will never be old like me and then it will all be over. So yeah. Shopping can bring on the existential crisis.
My 14 year old is an absolute joy to shop with. I send her down other aisles with an assignment so we can get all of our stuff and get out. She is polite and helpful and has opinions on what flavors of yogurt/applesauce/etc to get and I am happy to let her pick. But if I go with my 12 year old, he just constantly nags me to buy junk food/expensive food/food that I don’t like and I regret ever bringing him out in public. However, I absolutely love that at this age, I can just pull the car up in the driveway and order them to unload and unpack the groceries, and it gets done without me. I don’t know why I hate doing that part of it so much, but I am just always spent when I come home from the store and need to veg out while they sort out the groceries.
“someone else’s child whining in the background like a ringing telephone I don’t have to answer”
Swistle, you are a brilliant writer.
Swistle.
Swis.
Today I went grocery shopping with my whining 5 year old, sniffly infant in her car seat carrier…and my runaway 2 year old STRAPPED TO MY BACK because I’m tired of the heart attack of turning around and she’s just….gone. No less than 10 people told me to cherish these moments (as the two year old tried first to wiggle out the top of the ergo, then tried to lean over and unbuckle it from around my waist herself all while shrieking “I WALK! SELF!” And told me my hands were full. (I murdered no one but it was close.) We also went to the park, on five other errands and I think I sprained my wrist carrying in the groceries because the pain woke me at 5:30 am.
I know the novelty/feeling of escape has worn off for you, but I practically salivated at your title. :) this is what I needed to read today. Thank you.
I had a 2 year old trying to wiggle out of the ergo today, too. While I was changing his poopy almost-6 month old brother. Then we went grocery shopping. This was great for me to read today, too.
I have one foot in either shopping camp right now, as I still mostly have the youngest child with me. When I go out without him on preschool days, I do miss him, yet I can get SO. MUCH. DONE.
I also find myself talking aloud even though I’m alone. “Now let’s get some fruit!” Fourteen-year old habits are hard to break. Go right from parent of young child to crazy middle-aged lady. Do not pass Go.
You should check out the book “White Noise” by Don DeLillo, if you haven’t already. The existential panic in the grocery store made me think of it.
I teach at the gym 2 evenings a week, and my gym is inside my grocery store, so I grocery shop on my own those nights.
Do I like it? Am I happy shopping alone? Let’s just say that I know many of the store staff by name and they in turn know me as the woman who sings and dances in the aisles along with the music. They always greet me with beaming smiles. In my defence, they do play some good tunes in my grocery store…
Entries like these make me wish you would write a book – and I would read it without stopping. And they would make a movie of it because. Wow. I mean – yes, EXACTLY.