Recently I’ve encountered several reminders (attractiveness studies, comedians, remembering that Anne Bancroft was only 35 or 36 when she played the desperate older woman in The Graduate, etc.) that someone my age is lucky men can see her at all. After a time of moping, I identified the specific emotion, and it was “hurt feelings.” The next step with hurt feelings is to figure out WHO hurt the feelings, and so I also identified the two culprits: “biological imperative” and “the survival of the species.” It’s not going to be easy to get an apology, let alone a promise of changed behavior.
It makes sense that as I reach an age where my fertility is getting iffy and my chance of a baby with birth defects is ever rising, that my body would stop bothering to divert resources to maintaining all the signals that I’d be a good candidate for mating. I’m NOT a good candidate for mating, not anymore. Men looking to continue the species would be right to let their eyes skip past me.
But isn’t it sad? Isn’t it pitifully, pitifully sad for us all (those of us whose appearance is no longer linked to the continuation of the species; the men who don’t even want to continue the species but still have Fertility Goggles on; the women who are currently getting looks but will soon stop getting them; the children who start getting looks from grown men at age 12-13) that we haven’t yet managed to restructure our animal brains to equate fertility signals with FERTILITY, instead of with beauty? And isn’t it also sad that beauty is so important? And isn’t it BEYOND INFURIATING that Paul is HANDSOMER THAN EVER??? *pant pant*
It’s not even that I want “to be looked at.” Automatic looks from men are of low value. I think what bothers me is knowing that if Paul and I were to split up, he would have very little trouble finding another spouse, but I would have an increasingly difficult time. Even men who didn’t want children would hardly be able to SEE me, let alone be attracted to me, EVEN IF I WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT MATCH, and it would be mostly because of irrelevant fertility signals.
Well. It’s a senseless topic. It IS the way our brains work. It IS the way biology works. I don’t know why I even brought it up.
Ugggg, I hate that it is a foregone conclusion that 12-13 year olds are getting the Fertility Goggles treatment. I remember being 12 years old. Those looks are frightening and uncomfortable.
I am not mourning the loss of the looks myself. I don’t think I got many in the first place.
Silver lining: I am now brainstorming my Mrs. Robinson Halloween costume.
The fact that looks make such a big impression very much disturbs me. I’m slightly over 50 and have stopped dying my very gray and white hair. I need to continue to work for a decade (or more) and the company for which I work is in the midst of rampant layoffs. What’s bothering me is that I have to be so careful because I’ll be judged by my age. Maybe it is the fact that I’m in that generation which straddles the low-tech to high-tech eras. My kids had Facebook access, but not until they were older, but I am fully aware of Facebook and the significance of it. I clearly remember a time when cell phones were not around but I do have a smart phone, and I use it.
I don’t know, it just seems like I shouldn’t have to be so careful about having to make sure I come off as super tech savvy when applying for jobs.
I meant to add – I’m 52 but that doesn’t mean I live under a rock!
It’s a bad system for many reasons. One thing that gets my goat is that men’s fertility wanes with age TOO, and the man’s age can also affect genetic issues in offspring, yet this is utterly ignored and to many people’s eyes, they become more attractive as they get older. I suppose, setting biological cues aside, this is because they offer (theoretically) greater financial stability and resources than a young whipper-snapper so they get to have good looks to help sell them to potential mates. Hmph.
I have been surprised at how bummed I am that I am becoming invisible to the world of potential partners in the way you describe. I mean, I am married and no looking around, and it’s not as though I have ever been a great beauty — and on the flip side, I am actually far more comfortable with my looks and body than I was when I was younger. I think maybe that’s the bothersome part: now that I feel more comfortable with myself, I feel like I ought to be viewed as someone with more to offer to someone else (not that I am in the market, but you know what I mean), but instead I am becoming Just Some Middle-Aged Lady. I suppose to the people who matter, I am seen as someone with substance and value, so who cares, right? Much to my chagrin, I do care (a bit — not THAT much, but in the niggling way you describe).
Sigh.
YES to the male factor in birth defects getting ignored! This one is totally galling to me, since it’s got a big effect on issues like Downs’ Syndrome, which is one of the go-tos for articles that do hand-wringing over women’s age-related fertility issues. (Which isn’t to say that it’s not relevant for older women looking to conceive, but the sperm piece is hardly ever mentioned.)
And I think that it’s much less about men ‘getting’ to have good looks, and a lot more about us having a category of ‘good-looking’ for men that includes a lot more age-forgiving variation. I agree that it’s because older men tend to have more wealth and that’s seen as desirable. But I think that once we’ve made that judgment of desirability, then some of the other features associated with age are seen as distinguished in men, whereas they’re more often read as haggard when women have them. Grey or salt & pepper hair, facial wrinkles, etc. Even baldness can work on the right guy (Patrick Stewart, I’m looking at you).
Exactly! My husband is getting better looking and I’m becoming invisible. It shouldn’t matter or bother me but… it does. It is very weird to realize you (meaning me) have become a middle-aged cliche.
Sigh. This is so dosheartening, this particular aspect of this particular stage.
(I also liked Fertility Goggles. Excellent analogy/description.)
Yup. So true, so so true. Frustrating and sad; it matters to me too.
(The fourth paragraph didn’t show up in my RSS reader…now I’m wondering if that’s common and I’ve missed out on good parts of years worth of posts – I often click through to read comments, but I don’t always look at the post again in that case. I might have to carve out some time to re-read your archives again, just to be sure I didn’t miss out on some important Swistle wisdom!)
Ha! What often happens is I proofread and proofread and proofread—and then I post it and THAT’S when I think of something else I want to say!
Interesting discussion. I think
I’m in the minority here but I’m 42 and still feel attractive. I don’t think I’d have trouble dating similarly aged men if I was in the market, and I am attracted to men in their late 30s-mid 40s right now, too. I never thought of it in terms of fertility, though. I wouldn’t want to
Date a man (of any age) who
Wanted children since I wouldn’t want another kid regardless.
It’s a legit worry, especially since I AM divorced. In my estimation, I probably have about 10 years left before I’m completely invisible and I realize I’m lucky to have that long. At the moment (in my late 30s), however, I feel my value in the sexual marketplace is as high as it’s ever been due to my experience/perspective on relationships. In dating at this age, I’ve found that younger men are blown away by the relationship skills that women their age don’t have (as well as the obvious sexual peak stuff). Older men are more understanding of their own aging and while still attracted to younger women, have less interest in dealing with their bullshit. If you will. Heh. So, silver lining?
Anyhow, I really think 35-50 is the sweet spot for dating if I’m being honest.
Yes! My experience exactly. I got divorced at 33 and also thought that my ex-husband would have no trouble finding a new ‘mate’ (which he didn’t), but neither did I. Most younger men are really happy with the lack of drama and the confidence that comes with age (and having gone through some sh*t), and older men may LOOK at younger women but (as they tell me) they don’t want to BE with them because they are inexperienced and often quite full of drama (those two are probably related, but anyway).
I think older women would make very good spies. No one would suspect us of being high level assassins, or whatever spies do…we could come and go without raising any kind of suspicions. I would pay to see a movie with this idea :)
I remember I did feel a bit sad when I realized I was no longer getting “the looks” by men-even though I am happily married. That was a while ago, and I have come to terms with it, and now find it very freeing.
There is a series of books with that exact premise! And they are hilarious. Look for Mrs. Pollifax.
I love Mrs Pollifax books! Written by Dorothy Gilman (who died in 2012 so no more Mrs. Pollifax). Don’t watch the movies though, they are pretty awful.
I have been pondering this so much lately. Women our age have MORE THAN HALF of our lives left, God willing, but we’ve passed the biologically visible and important marry and have kids checkpoint. Aside from being irritated at being viewed only through those goggles, I’m also irritated that I can’t find more representations of us in books and media, aside from the midlife crisis/crazy menopause/husband leaves you for younger woman tropes. So over it.
Despite never having been a “stereotypical” beauty, in my younger, single days I never lacked attention from cute, smart guys (and even a few girls). I was okay-looking, confident, had a lot of interesting things going on, and went dancing at my “regular bar” at least once a week, where I got asked for my phone number at least once or twice on a typical night.
Now I’m in my early 40s and in an loving, stable relationship with a wonderful man who is well suited to me and with whom I have two great kids, but I’ve nevertheles noticed that I no longer get “those looks” from strangers. And it may have caused me a faint pang or two, but I like to tell myself that I could still attract some interest if I wanted to, but I don’t want to – even if I were to suddenly find myself single I have my kids and my interests to devote my time to now. No matter what though, I know it wouldn’t be like the old days. And I’m mostly pretty okay with that.
I’m 41. Yesterday I was vacuuming my car at a gas station/car wash/service station and as I stood up from my bent over vacuuming position I noticed the mechanics staring. I haven’t seen anyone check out my rear in a long time so I understand the invisible feeling. I’m not sure how I feel about random dudes checking me out. It’s weird at this point in my life when I have an 18 year old plus a 3 year old and 6 year old in the car I was vacuuming. Did they not notice the car seats or was my butt so awesome they didn’t care? (Haha my butt is NOT awesome.)
Sam, your comment cracks me up!!! I think the male gaze is situational, many times. Me, out at a restaurant, trying to coax a 1.5 year old into eating yogurt? Crickets. Despite the obvious fertility cue.
Same 38 year old woman in ratty yoga pants at the gym, very ungainly/red faced/not put together while doing some sort of dead lift (this involves bending at the waist)? Slight glances. But I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that there are no other women in the vicinity.
The thing I like about being 38 is that I don’t feel frozen by the male gaze anymore, whatever the reason (horror, lust, bemusement).
I find this post very refreshing. I’m ever so happily married, but still feel sorrowful about slowly becoming invisible! On the flip side, I feel less judgmental these days when I read about older actors marrying younger women & etc. Now as I’m closing in on 40, I have this sort of sliding age problem where I still feel like everyone is my age. Well, I tend to think everyone from 28-48 is my age. Except that’s a pretty big range. It would probably offend those people on the younger end of the range to be included. Where was I. Oh, so it’s easy to imagine I would think someone who is 28 is attractive without really realizing at first how much, much younger they are. When I think of it that way, I feel extremely forgiving of all of us and our goggles, men and women both, HA HA WE ARE ALL DOOMED AND HURTLING EVER MORE RAPIDLY TOWARD DEATH WHEEEEE
Before my divorce in my mid-30’s I often felt invisible. I think it was less an age thing and more that I gave off an “I’m not interested” vibe, what with the frumpy wardrobe and careless ponytail and tired, many-small-children face.
After my divorce I paid more attention to my appearance, developed a career and entered a less family-centered social circle. I was shocked at how much more visible I became. Even now that I’m in my 50’s and happily re-married, it hasn’t changed, so perhaps men just couldn’t see past the mom facade.
As usual, your thoughts are running parallel to mine. I’ve been pondering the fact that I’ve been feeling invisible. Not that I want to be ogled…nor am I looking for a new mate. But dammit…my husband isn’t becoming invisible!
I notice that when I am with my kids out in public I get zero looks from men but if I am alone I do get looks. Its like moms fall into a category….a non cute category.
Dammit, Paul!
I was in a bar last week by myself (on a work trip) and three younger guys sat next to me. They proceeded to have the most disgusting, sexist conversation I have ever heard men openly have in front of a woman. I was relaying their conversation to my husband when I returned, and he was appalled and said, “I cannot believe they would talk like that with you sitting right there!” I told him what I realized halfway through their conversation – they didn’t even see me. I’m not the young women (thankfully!) that they’re sexually interested in.
A supervisor at my job was fired this week for harassment; apparently he was making lewd comments. When I expressed surprise (he was very good at his job), it was mentioned that there were complaints from every woman in the department. Every woman except me. (Okay, clearly I don’t WANT to be sexually harassed at work, but an irrational yelpy insecure voice inside said, “Really? EVERYBODY except me?”)
Oh, is that what’s going on. The trainer who teaches my class at the gym is in his twenties. Most of the class is moms and/or women in their 50s and up, and yet there’s a bit of a flirty vibe between him and some of the younger moms, especially those who work out a lot. I’ve been having angsty, mixed feelings over whether I can consider myself included in this group. Since I’m very happily married, you would think I would really NOT want to be flirted with by my trainer, but it makes a lot more sense in the context of fearing that I’m becoming invisible. Especially since I am RIGHT THERE trying to keep myself in good shape. Perhaps I should simply be grateful that the many, many septuagenarians who frequent my gym still seem to see me.
Perhaps this explains why I get flirted with online (book chat forums, etc) but not a lot in real life. Like Misty above, I was never overly gifted with beauty, so I am never surprised at people not finding me Fertility Material, and I don’t look for it. But when it’s just my personality in evidence, even though I am at the exact same level of not-looking-for-it, I get more of it.
I always tell my husband, if I died some woman would quickly pick him up and say dreamily, he has FOUR kids, but if he died, most men would say disgustedly, she has FOUR kids!
More conversations like this, please! It’s so unfair to reach a phase of life when you have some wisdom and knowledge, and the whole world just sees you as “middle aged lady” or “some old lady.” It’s such an odd experience to start to blend in with the walls. I finally know important and interesting things!