It is time to do an update on parenting a teenager, because I think the last update I gave was when Rob was in the worst part of the transition and I, as my brother remembered it recently, was wishing that either I or the children had never been born. I felt it had been a giant mistake to have children. I felt tricked by biology into doing something completely against my lifetime best interests in exchange for the very brief and pleasant and IRRELEVANT TO THE REST OF LIFE cute stage. It felt like the worst bait-and-switch of all: this PERSON didn’t seem anything like my BABY. I could feel the other four wolves in sheep’s clothing children coming right up behind this awful one, and I didn’t know how we were going to make it through without ruining our lives.
My plan was to find all those posts and link to them, but once again I regret my apparent inability to grasp the use of helpfully descriptive post titles. Here are a few samples I found by searching for the word “teenager” in the year Rob was 13: This is a Stage That Will End; Biological Set-Up; Wan. (I would have SWORN a post called I Didn’t Sign Up For This would be another, but that one turns out to be a PTA complaint.)
The update is that things feel better now. MUCH better. I remember MomQueenBee saying something about each child having One Terrible Teenage Year, and me trying not to hope too hard that it was true. I’m not sure how long it DID last, and it’s not as if everything is lovely lovely all the time lovely NOW, but feelings of regret and questions about our survival have passed off, and it DOES seem like it lasted about a year. And in fact, things are so much better, I now think of the teenager years as one of my Preferred Stages. Like, some people love toddlers but dislike the Newborn Slug stage, while others are the opposite; it turns out that, at least with THIS teenager, teenager is another stage I like better than others.
What I didn’t like was the TRANSITION from Older Child to Teenager. We need a word for that, because I was thinking of that as “teenager,” and it kind of IS teenager, but it also ISN’T. Oh, I guess the word is “puberty,” but I think that’s kind of a gross word, the way some people feel about the word “moist,” and also, puberty can last for years and include several years of non-awfulness, whereas the transition to teenager doesn’t seem to line up with that. I think Transition to Teenager is an okay term, and I’ll just use that for now. Especially since I don’t think I need to talk about it anymore, except to say I hated it to the point where I really, no-exaggeration-for-comic-effect, genuinely wished I hadn’t had children. I say this so that if you get to that point and you feel the same way about it, you won’t feel like you’re the only one, and it may give you hope that it may not be a permanent regret.
But I feel like I also need to specifically clarify that all this surprised improvement doesn’t mean everything is great all the time, even though I know you know that. We have a 6-foot-tall child who sometimes doesn’t realize his voice and strength are now grown-man-sized, and that he needs to be careful how he uses them. He of COURSE thinks we are kind of stupid about a lot of things. He of COURSE thinks we are unreasonable about a lot of things. There are a lot of times when he acts like he has the worst case of PMS I’ve ever seen. He can be super sensitive about things, or super full of himself about other things, and there are still sometimes discussions where I feel like I’m defusing a bomb, and other discussions where I feel like everything was going fine and suddenly I stepped on a mine. But all this is as if I said I loved the newborn stage, which I do, and then clarified that I don’t love blow-out diapers, or when the baby spits up a whole feeding all over me and the recliner at 2:00 in the morning, or when the baby cries and cries and I can’t figure out what’s wrong: of COURSE those things happen, and of COURSE I don’t like them. Every stage has the parts we don’t like, even if we like the stage.
And I do like this stage. I’d rather try to figure out whether he’s allowed to go to the movies with a girl than to figure out if he can have a playdate at a house where the mom expects me to stay and talk to her. I’d rather make rules about curfew than bedtime. I like how little I’m involved now in his homework and his toothbrushing. Little kids say MUCH cuter things than teenagers do, but the trade-off is that teenagers tend to talk on topics I find more interesting. I like when we’re in the car on one of our trips, and he starts a conversation about why people say not-true or not-necessarily-true things (“Boys/Girls suck!” “Girls/Boys only like you until you like them!” “You were too good for him/her!” “He/She is going to be sorry!”) as comfort after a break-up. It’s fun when he says, “Oh, by the way, Josh is dating Abby now,” and then we talk about who Abby used to date, and how it is that all Josh’s exes are friendly with him even though he has so many of them.
This is also an update on student driving, because I think the last time I talked about that, the word “hate” was involved, and the tone of the post contained considerable despair. But after the first five hours or so (during which time he also had a couple of hour-long sessions with the driver’s ed teacher, which don’t count toward the 50 hours the parents have to do), things improved considerably, so that now I don’t really mind doing it.
And here’s the unexpected part: it’s been 35 hours so far of spending mostly-pleasant quality time with a teenager. We drive for an hour or so, then stop for lunch, then drive another hour or so. He’s good enough at it now that I can look out the window for the scenery as well as for Potential Death. There’s chatting. There are tacos. We decide where we feel like driving, and we go there; the other day, we went to a beach we’d never been to; another day, we drove past the exit we always take, just to see where a highway went after that. It’s a nice time, and that’s not something I expected when we were still driving agonizingly around a parking lot at 5mph.
Another thing I want to update is the social situation. Back when Rob was in 5th grade, I wrote a post about how he said he felt he was “the chosen one”: the kid who always got picked on and excluded. In middle school, sometime in 6th grade, this started to resolve: he made friends with a very social, outgoing, large-friend-network person—or more accurately, that person made friends with him. So then Rob started meeting other people in that group. Meanwhile, a child he’d had to be separated from in 4th grade because the teacher said they could not keep from arguing if they were within 6 feet of each other, turned out to be a “we fought because we were so much alike” type, and they became good friends, and THAT person was friends with OTHER people and THOSE people became Rob’s friends too. And also when he started middle school, there were extracurriculars other than sports, so he joined some of those and made more friends that way. (I wish they’d have some of these non-sport clubs in our elementary school, too: it seems like a shame that kids who play soccer can start bonding in kindergarten, but kids who like math or drama or debate have to wait for sixth grade.) So now he has a very nice central friend group, and also a number of specialized friend groups, and as far as I know he doesn’t get teased anymore than anyone else does.
So glad to read the line about “the worst case of PMS I’ve ever seen.” I have frequently been shocked and startled by that exact thing in my teenaged boy, and found myself thinking, “but…but… you’re a boy!” Turns out boys can have wild mood swings and irrational anger, too. He has also pretty much turned the corner on his rough social status period, although, for him, elementary was fine and it was the move to high school that helped. His middle school turned out to be full of petty nastiness for him.
Teenagers are much more interesting to talk to (when they are speaking to you at least) than little people. And I find that the more I show my interest in talking about interesting things with him, the easier the difficult conversations get.
This is The Best. Bless you for reiterating what we know, but hardly believe: This too shall pass.
He sounds like a great guy. Good job.
YAY!!!
My son turns 13 in 2 weeks. I am…not looking forward to it.
“It seems like a shame that kids who play soccer can start bonding in kindergarten, but kids who like math or drama or debate have to wait for sixth grade.”
YES. It is so darn pleasant to see our firstborn be involved in activities she loves with great people. I don’t want to rush through the younger children’s childhoods, but I look forward to this for them so much. (Can you tell one of them is in a class with the entire traveling soccer team?!)
I keep thinking of the Britney Spears song, Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman, or whatever the hell it was called. That seems like a good description of the time you are describing, except for the GIRL parts and then THAT makes me think of Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer when he says I am a Material Girl…or boy. I am always glad to hear when things get better, because it’s so hard when you are in it, or haven’t been through it yet, to fear that it’s going to last forever in the same exact way.
Maybe this isn’t universally true, but in my family (immediate and extended) boy Becoming a Teenager is VERY MUCH WORSE than girl Becoming a Teenager. I know that girls are stereotyped as emotional and full of angst, but the boy emotions and angst seem SO MUCH MORE INTENSE, and then they have some raging testosterone raging through them filling them with rage, on top of their dramatic and angsty feelings, and it’s just….it is a terrible combination.
I think getting through to the other side deserves a badge or award of some kind.
I think the stage your talking about hating (between Older Child and Teenager) is Tween. Tweens are some of my least favourite people on Earth- not because of who they are as people but because they embody all of the worst aspects of Older Child and Teenager in one person. It’s like when you meet a Young Child and they say inappropriate things/ throw tantrums but it’s really just because they still have yet to figure out the social norms of society related to being a child vs. being a baby. I think Tweens are the same way. They’re caught between two stages and are trying to figure out all of the behavioural rules of being an adult (as opposed to being a child) and act inappropriately as a result. However, in this case it’s so much more insufferable because they think they’re right all of the time, you can’t just put them in a time out, and, unlike the three year old, aren’t super cute to compensate for their horrible-ness. This is all just a theory I have though so it’s totally unscientific.
haha – yes, I was going to say this as well – tween for “in beTWEEN being a child and a teen”
Thank you for this. My oldest will be thirteen in November, eleven was rough, particularly this past summer and twelve has been better, but we’re still working things out. I especially felt like this “Especially since I don’t think I need to talk about it anymore, except to say I hated it to the point where I really, no-exaggeration-for-comic-effect, genuinely wished I hadn’t had children. ” during the summer. Things are better, but man, I’m pretty sure I did not agree to some of this.
I…well, I am going to just take your word for it and hope for the best.
Yes! The one year thing is true! Thankfully, the last of my boys has just come out of it. I didn’t think I was going to make it through this time. But, I guess we always do. Thank goodness we just have usual teenage years left. I am hoping we all make it out alive.
I’m fearful of this stage and thankful I have at least a decade before I wish I didn’t have kids.
My takeaway from this post is that Swistle lives close enough to a beach that it is within an hour drive. I recognize that this statement sounds stalkerish, but I’m shocked. I would have bet good money that Swistle was a mid-Western gal.
To increase/decrease the confusion, I’ll say that the beach is more than an hour away: our typical drive is to go for an hour and then have lunch, but we’ve done a few 3- or 4-hour trips. I’ll also mention that lakes have beaches.
In my brain, Swistle lives in Maine with her cold-hardy, beach adjacent family :D
That was an awesome update. Super satisfying. I’m going to re-read it right now to better absorb some of the teenage info, as I have a 10-yo daughter who was showing her teenage stripes just this very morning.
Thank you for the update! I was walking with my 8-yo son this weekend, and we passed a driveway full of middle school kids. They were just hanging out and talking and generally just being tweens, and I shuddered in fear and anticipation of that stage. I am terrified! It is nice to hear that they will eventually become human beings again.
MAN, I love this post. I genuinely laughed out loud several times (especially about “the worst case of PMS I’ve ever seen” — haaaaaa — and “wishing that I or the children had never been born”), and also felt very glad for you that, in the end, things were very bad but now they’re not so bad. The mother-son time in the car sounds actually quite pleasant. And now I’m so curious to see how the other children will be as teenagers!
I’m so glad you’re blogging swistle. Please never stop. I’m willing myself to remember this in 10 years. I have a baby and a toddler (I am one who loves the baby stage and mostly hates the toddler stage). My toddler is a bit of a threenager so I’m dreading when she’s an actual teenager and no longer endearingly cute to make up for all the behaviour. I’m also wondering how it will be with a girl.
So glad Rob found a good social group, that can help so much!
Wahoooo! I love, love, love this. I want to tell mothers of not-yet-teenagers that when doomsayers say “Just wait until they’re teenagers,” they really only mean “Be ready for one heck of a crappy transition year but the remaining six years of teenagers are pretty much delightful.”
This is such a timely post for me! Thank you for reminding that phases are only temporary. My 13 year-old boy is so unorganized and forgetful about turning in assignments and then lies to try to avoid trouble. My husband and I are so frustrated! I have also slowly come to realize that he is the goofball in his social group so now I am fearful whenever he is out on group excursions. Eventually though he’ll get it together, right?
This is so heartening, thank you so much for blogging about older kids. My son turns 12 in a month and while it’s mostly been ok, there are times when he surprises even himself with his emotional outbursts and attitude and I fear for our future. It’s always good to hear from people who are coming out the other side.
Your advice is as helpful as a friend who told me when I was pregnant that after I brought Oldest home there might come a time when I’m exhausted, confused, lonely, and terrified and wonder what the hell did I do to my life having a child and that’s completely normal. It will pass. You are not alone. When that time did come I could at least hold on to her comment and feel I wasn’t an ogre and this would pass and I would get through it. I paid it forward by telling my friends who had kids after me (which is mostly all of my friends) the same thing. It’s so helpful to know you’re not crazy/a horrible mother/doomed for life ;-)
Have you read “Masterminds and Wingmen?” It’s the boy version of “Queen Bees and Wannabes” and it was published a couple of years ago. I’m midway through and finding it so interesting. My son isn’t this age yet (he’s 8) but I work with teenagers and have found it enlightening. I really love hanging out with them and watching them discover themselves as adult thinkers (I’m sure it helps that I am not their parents) but they are sometimes mysterious.
Added to library request list!
Me too!
This is such a fabulous post for so many people who may read it! So thank you for writing it/sharing it. It’s great to read about your positive experiences and have the balance between the positive and not. It’s lovely to learn all the things you enjoy about spending time with a teenager, and you described it so vividly that it makes it easy to imagine in my own kids some day.
Also, as the mother of a 3rd grader who definitely hasn’t found his own group of friends yet, and feels “weird” I loved reading that your kid settled into friendships later on. Hurray for him! The one thing my kid does have at his elementary school is chess club, which sounds like something Rob would have enjoyed as well.
Great update. And so good to see that you’ve reached some realistic peace. (grins). My children are older than yours, and I would only add that the template laid by the first child does not necessarily or even likely fit subsequent ones. I’m just thankful the difficult one was first, because if things had been reversed and the more pleasant transitions had been first, the not-so-pleasant one would have been much more traumatizing for me! You are a great mom!
This so perfectly describes my experience with my 16 year old son. There were times when he was 13 that I thought I may be visiting him in a correctional facility someday. Now, he is absolutely my favorite person in the world to spend time with. He’s funny, interesting and engaged in the world around him. His friends are great fun to have hanging around the kitchen island. It was so bad, and now it is so good. Why does the good part have to reappear two years before he leaves for college? I want more of this post-angst/pre-independent driver time with him.
Mine are both under 3 right now, but I can’t wait for whatever stage it is that we can play games other than Memory and Candyland!
But really, when I was a substitute teacher, teaching middle school was one of the worst experiences of my life. They are SO MEAN. They are mean to their teachers, their parents, and especially each other. In fact, my brother is 13 months younger than me and we were best friends from 0-11 and then from 15-now. But for those 7th, 8th, and 9th grade years, we HATED each other.
I also get what you’re saying about your son all of a sudden having man-strength. I teach karate, and my least favorite people to fight are teenaged boys. They have NO IDEA how strong they are. Upper belt teenaged boys who are not black belts yet are the worst because they have the strength and the skill, but not the finesse to know when to pull punches. They are used to being small and having to give it everything they have just to get by in sparring, and now suddenly we’re telling them to slow down and reign it in when they go against people who are suddenly smaller than them.
Yes! All of a sudden teenage boys have crazy strength, and they have no idea how to use it. My son pulled the handle off the car door last week. I t was a total accident, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry watching him stand in the parking lot with the handle in his hand. The look on his face was pure bewilderment.
My kids are still young, but this has been very true of my experience with the teenagers I work with at church. I’d been working with 14 and 15 year old girls for a while, and for the most part things were really pleasant and fun. I recently switched to working with 12 and 13 year olds (both boys and girls), and 13-year-old boys have been an entirely different group to work with. I really was surprised by the amount of drama, anger, casual bullying, etc.
I just had my first baby (at the age of 38) in November. I’ve been reading your blogs for a long time though and have always been impressed by how wise you are in raising your kids. You seem really thoughtful in how you deal with them, even when things are difficult. I hope you consider doing a post of your best advice for those of us still struggling through the early stages. :)
You give me hope for the teenage years just as the posts about babies who FINALLY slept through the night gave me hope in the newborn years.