I can’t even tell you how touched I was by your answers to today’s Christmas polls. Oh, wait, I can totally tell you and it isn’t even difficult: I WAS VERY TOUCHED. I can’t explain why, and actually I can’t. It was just very touching, especially when other people’s answers matched mine, and also I think more of us need Christmas pajamas, don’t you? I mean, what is the deal? I seriously no-kidding thought to myself, “Well, it makes sense that the kids would have them and not us, because WE might change size from year to year.” The children are GUARANTEED TO CHANGE SIZE AND YET THEY HAVE THE CUTE CHRISTMAS PAJAMAS. SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG HERE. FOR NEXT YEAR WE WILL FIX IT.
I have a half-developed thought, but it isn’t getting more developed by just sitting around waiting, so I’m putting it here. It started when I was finding myself disappointed by my reaction to Christmas songs on the radio. I think of Christmas songs on the radio as SO SIGNIFICANT and SO PLEASING. So why was it that this year I kind of wanted to see if another station was playing Taylor Swift’s Blank Space instead?
I was mulling this and I thought about how special Christmas Radio was to me, that Christmas when Paul was out of work and I was working, and I would drive home from work in the pitch dark, and the Christmas songs would be playing on the car radio, and the Christmas lights were so beautiful. That is a great memory. The songs and lights were so beautiful.
But they feel different this year, and that’s just how it is. They felt different last year, too, and the year before that, and can we be mathematical and realize that the year I’m thinking of as Christmas Songs Are Transcendentally Wonderful is 2003, before I was even pregnant with the twins, and the twins are now 9? Things change. The year 2003 is the year I Really Felt the Christmas songs on the radio, but that doesn’t mean I’ll feel the same about them in 2014. And indeed I don’t.
This is my basic gist: that the things that feel Important and Memorable about Christmas vary from year to year. I remember another year when the Christmas cards hit peak importance: Paul and baby Rob and I were living with my parents for a few months after moving, and my parents had other plans for Thanksgiving and left us there by ourselves in their house, and we tried to pull things together with deli turkey and bakery buns and a can of cranberry sauce, and it fell really flat. After dinner we put baby Rob to bed in the crib upstairs, and we sat in the living room and watched Cirque du Soleil on TV, and I started on the Christmas cards and felt happy in a way I have NEVER FELT SINCE about working on Christmas cards. But every year I wait for that same feeling.
There was another year that a Christmas Light Drive felt So Awesome. The first year we did a Christmas Light Drive, it was the same year Christmas Cards felt so good. We were living with my parents, and they wanted to go to a Christmas Eve church service, and Paul and I weren’t going to go to that and yet I wanted SOMETHING between “dinner” and “presents.” (My family opens presents on Christmas Eve night. When I was a child, it was “Christmas Eve service” and then “PRESENTS.”) So we decided, on what seems in retrospect like something more important and special than Whim, to go on a drive to see the Christmas lights, just to pass the time and make baby Rob drowsy and have something to do until my parents returned. We’ve done it ever since, but there was a year somewhere in there, after the first year but before now, when it felt a word I don’t feel comfortable using (“magical”). It was so wonderful. I thought, “This, THIS is my favorite part of Christmas.” Every year, I wait for it to feel the same, and it doesn’t. It feels NICE! I’m so glad we do it! But it doesn’t match that one year, whenever it was. Just like nothing matches that year when my whole shift at the pharmacy was improved by knowing soon I would be driving home in the dark listening to Christmas songs.
Another year, the special/important/sentimental element was Christmas TV. I taped (TAPED) on the VCR (VCR) a bunch of children’s TV channel Christmas specials, and I could just weep thinking of them now: Blue’s Clues, with Steve! Little Bill! PB&J Otter! Maisy! That show with a kid named Stanley who liked animals and had some sort of animals book he could travel to other countries with! But do I watch that tape now—or rather WOULD I, if we had a VCR? Well…no. It’s not the same.
One year it was baking. I remember sipping a Cool Proofy Drink in the kitchen while making little plates of assorted treats to hand out. It was so free and improvised! I did what I wanted! I acted on whims! I baked some brownies, and then I made some fudge, and then I dipped some Oreos in melted mint-chocolate chips, and then I made some pretzel-M&M things. It was fun! I was doing my thing! I would do it every year!! …I’ve never done it since.
The most recent example of this is the movie Love Actually. The first year I watched it, I was a little less than fully impressed: I’d heard so much about it, and it was fine, but I had trouble keeping track of the characters. The next Christmas, I watched it again and liked it better now that I knew better who was who. I don’t know which Christmas it was that I felt almost TRANSPORTED by it: third? fourth? But I know it’s never quite been like that again. That was the year I thought, “I will watch this EVERY CHRISTMAS.” And I have. But not to the same effect.
Just as there are highs, there are lows. Last year I watched Love Actually and I was bothered way more than other years by the weird political scene where Hugh Grant stands up to a seedy, molesty American president played by Billy Bob Thornton, and we’re supposed to think less of Natalie because she’s…caught standing close to him. Why is that in a romantic Christmas comedy? And the many, many fatness slams! Beautiful Emma Thompson is the fat wife, even though she’s thinner than most of us. Aurelia has a fat sister (thinner than many of us), who is of course also unpleasant and rude and unmarriageable and acceptable to mock, unlike thin Aurelia: if we saw Aurelia’s fat sister, we’d understand why Aurelia turns down sweets. Eating and not being skinny, GROSS. Aurelia also tells her employer COLIN FIRTH that he’s getting fat. Beautiful wonderful Natalie is three times referred to as fat and/or as having fat thighs. “The chubby one?,” the thin assistant asks, when Natalie’s name is mentioned. Oh, but Keira Knightley, BEAUTIFUL Keira Knightley whose jaw is like a jutting sharpened blade, who looks as if she could and would tear the flesh from your bones! SHE is the obvious feminine ideal!
I wasn’t even going to watch it this year, then. I’d come to terms with Christmas cards being less fun than that one year. I was actively coming to terms with Christmas music on the radio being less magical than it was that one year. But I thought it might be over for Love Actually, until I watched it tonight with a glass of spiked diet Coke and everyone else in the house asleep. I fast-forwarded the political parts (again, what are those doing in a light romantic holiday movie? can we not just watch him dance to Jump for My Love and call it a day, without watching someone’s lying-awake fantasy of what they should have said and how it would have left their opponent speechless?). I re-wound and re-watched the part where Emma Thompson confronts Alan Rickman, and I have more to say about their relationship later, but tonight’s relevant information is that I finally, finally figured out the words Alan Rickman says before calling himself a fool (“I am so in the wrong”). I re-wound the part at the end where everything wraps up to repeated triumphant music themes and the screen starts dividing. And I enjoyed it again, and I plan to watch it again next year.
My point is that different things are wonderful in different years. Some years are Christmas song years. Some years are Christmas movie years. Some years are Christmas card years. Some years are Christmas cooking years. Some years are Christmas shopping years. Some years are Christmas light years, or Christmas book years, or gingerbread house years, or Christmas TV show years, or Christmas family years, or Christmas sitting-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-with-a-fractious-baby-and-feeling-dreamy-about-the-lights years. Things that were wonderful one year night not be wonderful the next year, and they don’t have to be.
This may be the single best thing I’ve read online in a very long time. I thought it was me who felt this way, I LOVE MAKING 40 DOZEN COOKIES!! and then the next year, meh. I’ve been sort of ruthlessly minimizing possessions and I’ve hesitated on Christmas decoration because duh I love them. I came across a box and thought OH that old candle holder my mom made me one year is in here and then I remembered I donated it, even though I hadn’t used it for years I was sad it was gone because it would have fit the space/theme I was working perfectly. I was kind beating myself up for being flakey about what I love and use, in a way I had the mindset that if I LOVE IT I can keep it but if I only feel mildly attached to it, it should go away. Thank you for putting in to words that it’s ok to change and not feel the same way from year to year. I may need to revisit my minimizing rules.
Also I think about that time made all those cookies with 2 small kids under 4 and a 14 year old and I think where the HECK did all that energy come from?
I sort of felt the same way about Love Actually this year, which was very disappointing, but I just kind of pretended I didn’t feel that way, so I shall see how next year goes. Except I’m already worrying about it being even less enjoyable and turning into a chore.
However, thank you for once again putting thoughts/experiences into words. This holiday was not quite as I expected, but I hadn’t considered that the reason was that some parts aren’t as wonderful as they used to be. I was blaming it all on us still figuring out how to Christmas with a 5 and 2 year old and on my ILs being overbearing. But perhaps I will add this into the reflection mix.
Phancymama, ditto on “not what I expected” and I also have two little (but not tiny any more, either) kids and overbearingness all around. And Swistle, not only do you nail feelings on the head, you collect the feelings into a coherent assemblage before nailing it on the head. I adore this about your thoughts and writings.
This year, making treats as gifts sucked (although I have had fun a couple times in the past). Opening presents was overwhelming as a parent. Having a treasure hunt was too much, although it was great fun last year. Getting our tree was THE BEST part this year even though it sucked last year.
I am always trying to remember exactly how we did the fun stuff this year so that it will be fun next year when we do it again the same way and so that there will be NO NOT FUN anything! And then there is always something that’s just “not as fun as last year.”
Um, thank you for that. Entire. Post. I’ve been trying to do ALL the Christmas things and feel the spirit, a different Christmas movie for each day (but I couldn’t get through the holiday this year no matter how hard I tried). And I felt a little uncomfortable watching love actualy this year when I typcally love it every year since 2003. By the way, everytime Kiera knightly smiles my husband shudders, and I could never understand why and I just read him your description, thank you very much! :)
I don’t know. This year was rough (and not over yet, we still have family tomorrow) and I don’t know where my Christmas spirit is but I completley agree with you on things not being the same. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. So thank you.
Oh, this is so the perfect read as I sit here with my post-Christmas blues wondering why I feel so down this year. I’ve never thought of it this way, but it’s exactly what happens to me, too. Why do I suddenly hate this, but also, find something else so significant? This was the first Christmas in a decade that I didn’t have a bunch of paying work to deal with, so it came as quite a shock that it wasn’t in fact the most magical December ever. So many things I thought would be fun weren’t, and other things I try to always do just got completely dropped. But watching all my favorite holiday movies, both those I share with family and those that are my personal, barely holiday-adjacent favorites to watch while wrapping or cleaning or baking, became this weird comfort, a refuge from all the stress and a way for us all to be together without hollering at each other. (I dropped Love Actually this year, but rediscovered Bridget Jones’ Diary, which was a delight.) Last year the movies almost felt like a chore.
It probably will sound weird but reading this has made me feel so much better about how the whole holiday has gone in general that I’m actually feeling better about having to deal with tomorrow’s messy aftermath. Bring on the Christmas “hangover.”
This is something I’ve noticed recently, too! An example: Christmas breakfast. I’ve always enjoyed the tradition of having a huge fancy breakfast together as a family after opening presents, but this year was the first year I considered it a Meaningful Part of Christmas. My family rarely eats breakfast together so it seems like a little bit of a special treat, and it’s a nice way to relax and just enjoy the day in between opening presents and going to the house of whatever relative is hosting Christmas that year.
Things that don’t seem as special this year: Christmas carols and holiday baking. Normally I love hearing Christmas music everywhere I go but this year I wasn’t feeling it. And there have been years when I’d be making cookies practically every other day for the month of December, but this year the thought of fresh-baked cookies just didn’t seem to justify all that grocery shopping and time spent in the kitchen and clean-up work.
Ugh – the clean-up. I think that’s 99.9% of why I baked WAY less (wait, not at all) this year. I have treat tins out the wazoo, but nothing to fill them with. Oh well, they’ll keep until next year, when hopefully I will have one of two things: Christmas spirit or my big-time lottery winnings (so I can hire someone to wash all the dishes)!
Yes, just yes.
I think THIS is touching. And yes, some years it’s different. This year for me the gift wrapping was a real pleasure; many other years it’s been a chore.
I’ve only seen Love Actually once and it didn’t grab me that year. I have wanted to try it again.
Thank you for this. I was up in the middle of the night feeling guilty because I said ‘no’ to sending Christmas cards this year as a means of survival. But it’s just one year. And if the guilt really eats at me, I can send New Year’s cards. :)
Oh man, exactly. I remember watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” and being so gripped by it I thought it was a MUST tradition to watch every year. Like, the part where George Bailey sees the grave of his brother Harry (died age 9). George tells Clarence it’s a lie, that Harry went to war, that Harry got the medal of honor for saving the lives of every man on a transport. Clarence said, No, all the men on the transport died; Harry wasn’t there to save them, because George wasn’t there to save Harry. I was stunned — it was as if God manifested himself in the room and showed me a glimpse of how he works. I had been discouraged about how hard I was working for pretty much nothing — it was like I suddenly could see the broad vista of how God works all of it into his plan — really, I felt like dancing through the streets with joy — as if my eyes were opened. The next year when I watched it, as that scene approached, I waited expectantly to be transported again with … well, like with another glimpse into how God is unfolding his plan! Nothing. In fact, I though, “Hm. ‘No man is a failure who has friends’? — I mean, yeah, I guess. And the theology about humans turning into angels? Really.” Haha! I think a big part of it is expectations. The first time I saw the movie, I was expecting it to be an embarrassingly trite out-dated movie. The second time, I expected another revelation from God — from that expectation, there was nowhere to go but down!
Oh Swistle, how I could have used this post two years ago when my kids were sick on Christmas. It was the first time I had ever had to be apart from my mom and dad on Christmas, or postponed the celebrations. The kids were too little to know the difference, but I was SO BUMMED. It makes me sad to think of it still. Thank you for giving me another way to think about it, and about the inevitable vagaries of each year.
Also, this was touching. All of this post, certainly. But, everything. The Christmas polls, as well as the post on the name blog. It was a perfect distraction from the slide into the post Christmas blues. And this was the perfect post to wake up to today. Thank you for taking care of us!
This is so well put. For the past few years, I’ve felt horribly guilty for being too exhausted to do some things that seemed Necessary because they used to bring me joy, like Christmas cards and baking lots of things to give away. But last year I gave myself permission to stop feeling guilty. We still baked, just after I got done with school. And now that I’ve quit my teaching job, who knows? Maybe next year some of those things will be worth doing again.
This whole post was perfect. Thank you, and Merry Day After Christmas! :)
I am speechless in wonder at the genius of those firepost. Yes!!! Yes this exactly!!! I keep trying to get back these magical moments that occurred randomly in years past and when it doesn’t happen being disappointed. Woah. I’m just seriously. Woah.
What gets me is the way that Natalie’s thighs are referred to in relation to “tree trunks” even though tree trunks come in a WIDE VARIETY OF DIAMETERS! (Everyone’s thighs are like at least some tree trunks.) But I never thought we were supposed to think less of Natalie for what happened with Billy Bob Thornton (though it’s in character that SHE blames herself for it) – to me, the point of that scene is that Hugh Grant is allowing his feelings for Natalie to actually dictate foreign policy, so he “redistributes her” in recognition of his own foolishness.
So liberating to read this. I didn’t do cards this year for the first time in forever. Didn’t get some of the usual and traditional gifts. This year, tradition went out the window and I’ve been sitting here being very hard on myself for not having made a perfect christmas. It was no disaster but it felt underdone. Or rather, it felt underwhelming based on the old patterns of things past. Out the window they go!FWIW i think Love Actually and the Emma Thompson/Alan Rickman marriage dissolution is one of the most honest depictions EVER. “you have made a fool out of me and the life we chose.” I love that movie.
I loved this post! My family has been in a very weird in-between stage for the past couple of years (some in college, some in high school, some grown-ups, but none old enough to be married or have their own families), so it has been difficult around the holidays to combine the traditions from our childhood with new perspectives and attitudes on life. It’s helped me to try and reduce my expectations of the Holidayness of it all and just focus on having meaningful interactions with my siblings and parents.
Also, I was so excited this year because my older child really into songs and music and I live Christmas carols. So I thought we could listen to Christmas music everyday and I thought fondly of singing Little Drummer Boy with her while we marched around, and Silent Night gazing at the tree, and Santa Claus is Coming to Town while dancing around the kitchen. Someone else to share my love of Christmas music with!!!
Instead she know knows Blank Space and in fact all of Taylor Swift’s new album by heart, and I’m starting to think that is better. Maybe carols will be next year.
Yes! Once again you have taken a nagging ambiguous feeling, clarified it and put it all together in a comforting and relate able way!
Last year I loved baking, this year I’m excited that I got a card out after two years of no cards. But a whole box of ornaments didn’t come out and that was fine because as long as I have the white (with gold painted accents!) ceramic light up Christmas tree on display that my great aunt made for my grandmother in the 60s- That is what finally made the house feel decorated. Next year I hope we have lights outside again because I love driving around looking at Christmas lights and pulling up to our unlit house felt like we were causing a “holiday void” on our street. Thank you for this post, most years I feel let down because I feel like I have to be festive and participate in and enjoy all of the categories. This post made me realize each year is different and we all get moments and it’s not that everyone else is experiencing an endless montage of festive bliss. I almost want to take some notes on what worked and what didn’t this year and see how it adds up to how I feel next year. Maybe I can write a letter to “future me” and put it in the ornament bin right on top so that I can’t miss it next year. That could be fun!
I totally agree that Christmas Expectations really get in the way of enjoying Christmas! I guess it makes sense that our lives are different every year, and so the things we find significant will change every year, too. It’s so hard not to put so much pressure on ourselves to make the holidays perfect!
This year, I re-discovered the fun of having a real Christmas tree, even if it was obtained at the last minute on Christmas Eve and shed needles all over the floor!
The tyranny of Christmas Expectations! My mom and I were talking about how we actually try to avoid thinking of things as traditions to try and stay out of this particular type of quicksand, with varying amounts of success. We’re both maximizers, and can easily turn a list of ‘these things make me happy’ into a list of ‘I will not be happy unless I do these things.’
But in my case, I can sometimes go too far in the other direction, and not plan anything. I like the idea of doing things and treating them like TV movies – something that’s happening, but it doesn’t have to be THE focus of the moment.
Thank you for (again!) putting into words some of the things that contribute to the vague dissatisfaction of Not Having Done Holidays Right. This year had some concrete stuff that’s been hard (relationship struggles about whether to have kids and a Christmas dinner where over half the adults ended up in tears and/or leaving to calm down), so being able to understand these other bits better helps make things feel more under control.
Also very glad to have read this post!
Things that made me happy this year: a wreath from Trader Joe’s. Online shopping for nieces and nephews. Christmas Day service with a one year old in the pew. Postcard-style Christmas cards that require minimal writing.
Things that were cut: Love Actually (5 minutes in). Baking. Making a big meal.
NYE stuff that is making me happy: vodka and blinis.
Thank you. I needed to read this this year–the first in several that we’ve not traveled and so were able to do all of “our” holiday traditions, and yet it felt like many of them were not nearly as satisfying as I remember. It’s important to know that they may feel more satisfying in another, future year. And that it’s okay if their primary glory remains in the past. It’s human nature to change. ^_^
Yes, to all of this. Nothing really captured me this year, and I decided to just go with the flow, and figured eventually something would strike my Christmas fancy. But nothing ever did: not Christmas music, baking, Love, Actually, wrapping, decorating. It was all fine, the day itself was pleasant enough, but not overly special. I’m hoping next year, I somehow get into the spirit more.
Also, thank you for figuring out what Alan Rickman says in Love, Actually. I’ve never been able to understand him. And, I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on Emma Thompson’s character. As for the tradition of watching the movie, it has been a let down for a couple of years now. But I keep at it, hoping to recapture the delight I felt when I first saw it. It was such an unexpected, lovely surprise…
I usually love putting up the decorations because most of them are my mom’s and she has passed away. This year I felt grumpy and burdened doing it and every time I saw them I missed her so much I had to hold back tears until I had a headache. I just put them all away because ugh, I’m so done with it all. The highlights this year were any moments I had alone with my husband and putting together packages for my brother and niece who live far away. Your holiday entries helped me put a lot this year. It’s nice to know that other people feel they are on the emotional roller coaster this time of year too. Thank you.
Re the Alan Rickman mumbling scene: OMG THANK YOU.
I agree about this. It’s all about timing and what’s happening that year.
I think with me is that I have preconceived ideas and then the busyness begins and those ideas go whooshing by. My example for this year is watching holiday movies. I had them on the dvr and on dvd but failed to watch hardly any of them. I like Love Actually but I love The Holiday. That’s my go-to.
I am always excited for doing Christmas cards over Thanksgiving weekend and I always fail.
And, finally, the music. I miss the traditional songs. I get weary of newer artists doing stylized versions. I get happy when I hear Gene Autry singing Rudolph, etc.
But I’m always happy with the Christmas lights, that hasn’t changed. Kevin will usually take the scenic route home from my family so we can see them on Christmas Eve.