Last night I went with my dad to pick my mom up at the airport. There was a guy in the waiting area, probably about 30 years old. When my dad went off to ask a guard if we were in the right place, the guy said to me, “Are you picking someone up?,” and I said, in what I hoped was a polite, distracted, don’t-talk-to-me-anymore voice, “Yes, we are.” (For what other reason would we be in the arrivals area, I wonder?) But my tone was unsuccessful, because then he said, “Do I make you uncomfortable?”
On the way home, my parents and I were talking about all the possible reactions to this. The truthful one would have been: “Before you started talking to me: not even remotely uncomfortable. Since then: VERY uncomfortable.” What I actually did was shake my head no and then go back to looking at my dad in the distance, in what I hoped was a distracted, not-at-all-bothered-but-also-not-very-interested-in-this-conversation manner. He responded, “I could tell. I could tell by the way you came right over to me. Thank you.”
The guy then went on to interact with several other people waiting. My dad came back, and the guy said, “I don’t make HIM uncomfortable, either. I noticed. Thank you.” Then he indicated a man standing a little distance off and said, “HIM, though. I make him uncomfortable.” And so on. I reassured myself that my mace was still in my purse. We were glad to leave.
My mom and I agreed that we both wished we were the sorts of people who would think for a second before talking, rather than rushing to say something we’d later regret (such as saying something is fine when it isn’t). We wondered in this case, though, if it were even a good idea to speak frankly to someone who had already crossed a social boundary and might not have a good grasp on OTHER boundaries. That is, would it be okay to say to him, kindly and conversationally, “You weren’t making me uncomfortable, until you asked that question”? Or is that just the “thinking later about what I should have said” answer, and in real life could that potentially make the situation a lot more dangerous, or at least draw it out longer? The goal is to disengage and NOT talk to someone who makes us uncomfortable, rather than to evaluate and engage for his edification. Walking away silently is, I suppose, a possibility, but not one compatible with my temperament: I can picture talking frankly before I can picture walking away, or yelling “GUARD! GUARD!,” or saying “Please don’t talk to me,” or whatever. Plus, I want to be kind to people who are inappropriate for non-dangerous reasons they can’t help, such as mental disability.
My mom and dad and I wondered how other women we knew would have handled it. I have an aunt I can’t imagine shaking her head no in that situation. My mom has a friend we can’t imagine doing that, either. We can picture them looking frankly at the guy, considering for a moment, and then…well, we’re not sure what they’d say then, but if we could figure it out, we might rehearse it for next time.
This is the sort of thing where I’d be interested in knowing the range of responses other people would make. The problem is, it’s hard to know when you’re reading about it: there’s time to think, and also we’re completely removed from the situation: a lot of the responses I come up with when I’m not IN a situation are ones that don’t actually work if I try them the next time; they only work in Lying Awake at Night Thinking About It Land, where they are immensely satisfying. I’ve noticed this on the baby name blog: people are quick to say, “You should tell your mom to BACK OFF! She named her babies, you get to name yours!”—but it’s hard to picture an actual person saying that to an actual, standing-right-there, non-theoretical mother. So in some cases, three separate responses might be needed: “the one I think is the right one,” “the one I would find immensely satisfying,” and “the one I think I’d actually do.”
[Edited to add:]
Two things that seem significant to me as I’ve been thinking about this today:
1. I think one reason I felt less threatened (beside the fact that airport security were within sight) is that he didn’t single me out: he talked to me, but also to other people.
2. I think it’s interesting that the two men I was near enough to see him talk to both responded as I did: polite lie about not being uncomfortable, followed by moving some distance away.
I think you are right he did not have a good grasp on social boundaries, maybe because of a disability or mental illness of some kind
Yeah, this is exactly what i was thinking too. I’ve worked with kids with very poor boundaries, and this is the kind of unintentionally creepy thing i can imagine them doing as adults.
“Please don’t speak to me”. And then I walk away. That is crazy and we don’t engage with crazy. I actually deal with this sorta thing regularly in my job at a public library. Of course that is different because I am paid to engage, but I won’t deal with intentional crazy in a public place.
I’d probably do what you did and say no although I WOULD be uncomfortable. And then I’d be glad I wasn’t alone.
I think that could be the right response. When I go over these things in my head I often ask myself, “What do I hope to accomplish by saying xyz?”
In this situation, since I’ll likely never see the person again, and it could make things MORE uncomfortable if I answered in another way then I think a simple no was fine.
This. What good is it going to do to confront this guy in anyway or answer in a truthful or witty way? Either it will be dangerous or it will have no effect because he is so untethered from social norms. I can’t imagine he’d say to himself “Oh! I didn’t realize I was being inappropriate and now that you’ve pointed it out to me I’m going to switch on my social skills.” There is no point getting snarky or loud or mad with him – if he is mentally unwell it is not his fault and he needs to be dealt with politely. If he is mentally stable but just weird he might just escalate the conversation with you and/or get more obnoxious.
Maybe I am just skew deprived right now but I would hope I would get snarky / yell at such a person. I am making the assumption he knows he’s crossing a boundary and doesn’t care. I am so sick of those people. Like, it’s great that you’re weird, but please do it on your time.
Of course then I’d be worried about getting murdered in the parking garage, after the yelling.
LOVE this comment! I likely wouldn’t yell, but I’d be snarky. And then yes, be afraid of getting murdered in the parking garage afterwards. But, you could ask a guard to escort you out. I’ve actually done that before and they don’t seem to mind! I think they like the idea of walking a woman out & making her feel not afraid.
Skew = sleep
Because my son has autism, I am always, always worried that I am being mean to someone who is on the (incredibly big) spectrum, even though by nature I am much bitchier than that. Anyway, I think this would have NEVER taken place at the airport in Newark, NJ, and that’s why I am sometimes grateful to have been raised in an area of the country where it is PERFECTLY acceptable to just not talk to anyone that you don’t know, and in fact, to be a little annoyed and put out if some stranger does talk to you. I find it much more confusing here in Indiana, where somehow it is not friendly to let someone blather on to you about nothing and sometimes super personal stuff. Anyway, I think my natural reaction would be to deaden my eyes and walk away, or turn away but what I probably would have done is what you did, talk a little bit and then look busy and hope it all stopped. Now that I have lived here for so long, I am much more of the “what could this hurt?” way of thinking than I used to be. Like, am I in danger? No. Am I busy doing something else? No. So I guess I could just answer this dude’s question and inwardly roll my eyes.
I have to agree with Rachel, I’d probably walk away. I don’t know if I’d bother with an answer. Probably not. That sort of behavior is not okay, and I have no interest in participating in whatever scene he wanted to play out.
I don’t think I’ve actually been in a situation like that, but for reference I’ve been in a few situations in which a man was lingering, I was cornered, and he would not leave. Generally I say something like, “You need to get moving,” or, “You need to keep moving.” On one man it worked very well, one was visibly angry but called me a name and left, and another time it caused a man to shout threateningly at me, which let me know exactly what I needed to do next. So.
http://www.designmom.com/2014/06/discussing-yesallwomen-with-the-kids/
On Design Mom recently there was a similar discussion about what to say/do in uncomfortable situations, especially as a woman. Gabrielle talks about her situation on a plane. There was an interesting discussion in the comments as well.
I’m pretty non confrontational but usually think up awesome things to say after the fact. I’m not sure what I would have done in this scenario but would have been glad to not be alone and would have tried to physically distance myself from him.
I would have done exactly what you did. And then wished later I’d had a magic answer.
Was he creepy uncomfortable? Or developmentally delayed uncomfortable? Or could you not tell?
I couldn’t quite tell, but if I had to GUESS, I’d guess a mental illness. Or possibly drugs?
Oh, drugs, i didn’t think of drugs. I am ill-equipped to be out in the world.
I’m not sure what I would have done. Probably some variation of what you did, especially if I was there with somebody else, the goal is to just not make a huge scene, and move on.
But, I am curious, what was going on with this guy? What did he look like? How was he dressed. Did he seem outwardly crazy in some other way? Were there any other clues for you, or observations your dad made, or anything that made you lean one way of the other about this guy?
I usually carry my pepper spray when I go for walks/runs, but it actually hadn’t occurred to me to carry it in my purse. Is that really stupid/naive of me? I mean, I live in a relatively small town and don’t go, well, really anywhere where I’d think to need it, but now, you have me really reconsidering!
His appearance and speech were such that, if he hadn’t SAID such odd things, I wouldn’t have noticed him or felt weird about him. He looked and talked like a regular 30-year-old guy (dressed casually, looked clean, hair was cut)—except that when he DID speak, his speech was so frank and unusual, it made it hard to tell if it was odd or not. He could read: he called a guy by some words on the guy’s shirt.
He reminded me some of the movie Adam, where the guy was really intense and frank but kept saying very odd and inappropriate and even scary things in his attempt to establish a connection and/or figure out how relationships worked. In that movie, the man has Asperger’s, so I wondered if that could be the situation with this guy—except he made me more nervous than that. My dad wondered if the guy could be a sociology/psychology student doing an experiment.
That’s interesting, your dad’s idea that he is part of an experiment, which would be great, but if you say that he made you more nervous than just a person with Asperger’s, than that would take one heck of an actor to pull off that level of weirdness. Maybe six months or a year from now this study will be in the headlines, “Actor in Group Dynamics Experiment Assaulted in Airport Following Menacing Behavior,” or “It Turns Out Creepy Questions DO Make Strangers Uncomfortable.”
I wonder if he’s in the beginning stages of more serious mental illness? It Reminds me of the prologue to This American Life, The Kindness of Strangers episode. You can read the trans script here, it’s pretty short:
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/75/transcript
Your dad’s comment about an experiment caught my eye, since I’m on the board that deals with human subjects research where I work. And I may now use this example to illustrate *why* people have to know that they’re taking part in an experiment. Even when it’s not physically damaging or medically risky, it’s still really unnerving when people do stuff like this. (He might’ve been doing an experiment just for himself or for a class, but anything that he wants to get published in connection with a university would’ve had to go through an IRB, and no IRB would greenlight something like this.)
I used to ride public transportation a lot, so I got some practice. At my most successful, I manage to say something like “I don’t talk to men I don’t know on buses” or “I’m not looking to have a conversation right now.” I figure that’s honest enough to give someone who is socially awkward genuine information, but blunt enough not to hint that I might be a pushover.
Kerry, I think those are perfect responses and I will try to.remember them if I’m ever in a similar situation.
I do think women especially are conditioned to smooth over social situations and sacrifice their comfort levels while doing so. It’s hard to break out of that habit.
Hmm. I do believe that women shouldn’t say yes all the time. But this sounds to me like maybe mental illness or developmental disability or as mentioned above autism. Personally, I live in a larger city with a lot of homeless folks and walk downtown a fair amount so I run into this sort of person on a regular basis. My approach with this guy would have been to do the same thing you did but then walk away. “Nope, just looking for my family.” You don’t really have anything to gain by engaging and mentioning that he is making you uncomfortable, he will probably just talk to you more. But you do have the right to move away. You don’t have to be polite AND stay nearby to talk to him more.
I would have responded with a simple “no.” While it might be more satisfying to come up with a witty response, I doubt it would have taught him a lesson in this situation. If he’d tried to engage any further after that, I would have said something like, “My dad’s over there; I’m going to go see if he needs help with anything” or something–anything to get out out of the guy’s direct vicinity.
I am not sure what I’d have done in that situation, probably the same as you did. However, I want to let you know about a book I’m reading right now and really enjoying. It’s called The Rosie Project, and it’s written from the POV of a man with Aspergers. Highly recommended.
Since it’s a public place with security guards around, I kind of think I’d turn it around and say “Why would you ask me that?” But making sure I was out of grabbing distance before doing it. Because seriously – why would anybody ask that?
My first thought reading this was to wonder if the man is on the autism spectrum, because of the total disregard for the social cues he was getting. I don’t think someone with nefarious designs would have drawn so much attention to himself. I tend to behave the same way you did, Swistle. Very brief answers, one-word if possible. Tight smile, body language that indicates disinterest: looking away, crossed arms, taking a step away if possible.
I just am not very confrontational, which drives me crazy–I’ve read The Gift of Fear and many other books and articles that point out how women endanger themselves by being polite to strangers, and it annoys me that I keep falling into that. Although I did once behave confrontationally: I was in a huge store parking lot near Christmas. It was after dark, and I had to park a long way from the store because of holiday crowds. Unfortunately, I was in the lot during a lull in activity–there wasn’t any close parking, but there weren’t any people in the lot, either. As I was walking to the store a man crossed the parking lot toward me “Excuse me, lady, excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?” I didn’t even look at him, just said “NO” in a firm voice and kept walking. He kept persisting, and was now within ten feet or so of me. I turned so I could face him, but kept walking to keep him at a distance. Then in a very big, very loud, very firm voice I said “DO NOT APPROACH ME. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE.” He left, although there were some rude gestures and some snotty commentary about rude bitches. So I guess when something rings the threat bells, I’m capable of speaking up.
Not sure how helpful thit comment is, but I think the points you bring up in your edit are really important–you were in a place with safety features, and you weren’t being singled out, so you felt uncomfortable, but not really threatened, and in that situation, I don’t think your response was inappropriate.
I would have said, “little bit”, smiled, and turned and walked away.
He wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want the truth. Just my thinking.
I probably would have given him my eyebrow raised, looking at you out of the corner of my eye, quizzical look, then said either “Uhh, not really…” if he hadn’t made me uncomfortable until asking the weird question or if he had made uncomfortable before asking the question, “Umm, maybe a little…” Both answers would have had the same “that’s a really odd question” look with them though. I then would’ve done my best ignore him and probably moved away.
I’m with the general consensus, because I completely agree with your phrase “The goal is to disengage and NOT talk to someone who makes us uncomfortable, rather than to evaluate and engage for his edification.” In reality, it depends on which training kicked in. Training in being a talkline counselor would mean a calm and reassuring “no, we’re fine,” and training in working with folks who’ve got severe drug issues would get a redirecting “actually, I need to go check with my father about something”. I don’t think I’d ever be the very confrontational type.
I default to calm and reassuring most of the time (it works with my personality and the whole socialized as a woman thing), but I agree that it’s not all that satisfying afterwards, since you don’t want to think that you’re encouraging the behavior that made you think about it uncomfortably for all this time after it happened. But I’ve mostly made my peace with the fact that when someone’s flaunting social norms (intentionally or due to mental health issues), my reaction really isn’t going to encourage anything.
Chiming in to say I would also disengage as quickly as possible. In fact, I think the longer or more thought out my response was, the more it would be an invitation for such a person to further engage. E.g. If I said “I don’t speak to men I don’t know” and remained standing where I was, I imagine he might be prompted to ask, “Oh, why not?” and so on.
IF I had practiced and had the foresight, I might say, “Oh my cell phone just buzzed–hang on!” and fake a phone call. Provided he wasn’t close enough to hear the non-existent vibrating phone.
these comments & different reactions are SO interesting!
I live in an area similar to Joanne where it really WOULD be quite surprising/out of the ordinary for someone to randomly talk to me like that, so I think if I legitimately hadn’t been unnerved by that guy up until that point, I might have instinctively given him the surprised-raise-eyebrow “….no…?” response to imply that asking that question was, in fact, the most uncomfortable part. Everything else / any other feeling I would have responded just like you though: short answer, body language shut off, and calmly drift away if he kept talking / making me uncomfortable.
While I live in a place where strangers don’t talk a lot, it is also a large city, so I am fairly attuned to always asking “how do I feel about being in this situation and what are my exit strategies if I don’t feel comfortable?” and my response would have been VERY different if it were, like you, at the arrivals gate with many people around, or say, in the parking garage where I was by myself and my dad had gone off to validate the parking ticket.
I could go on here about what I *should* do, but it’s of no use because I know what I *would* do, every time – panic internally, say “no, not at all!” in a super chipper, artificial voice that telegraphs to every normal person around that I am Totally Not Comfortable, then make an excuse (sudden need for gum, bathroom emergency, forgot something in the car, spot a friend) and get away from there. Elegant, no?
Sounds to me like this guy has been told, probably often, that he DOES make people uncomfortable, and so was looking for more information on that, but wasn’t really aiming to hurt anyone (not that that would make me panic less, because awkward social moments = panic, of course). So I don’t think it would be worth it at all to get into it with him, but rather to try to just get out of the situation as politely and quickly as possible.
This gives me a thought: I wonder if he often hangs around the airport talking to people (like his first “Are you picking someone up?” question), and if airport security has asked him to stop because he’s “making people uncomfortable.” So then he’s asking everyone if he DOES make them uncomfortable, and trying to figure it all out.
I think the way you handled it was perfect. I would have said, “it’s cool” or “it’s fine” and inched away. I like to to say it’s rather than you or me because it seems more neutral and impersonal. I have actually screamed “f*ck off!” at a total stranger once who was sexually harassing my friend. The look on his face was priceless and it did work. I try not to be rude to anyone I meet unless they cross the line.
For some reason, I am more bothered by his response (“I could tell by the way you came right over to me”) because it suggests that he thought you wanted to engage with him, even though you were showing him in every possible way you did not want to do so. Anyway, I am sure I would have reacted in virtually the same way that you did — a short “no” or headshake, possibly accompanied by a confused look (a “why would you ask that?” look) and then a move away from him. Without knowing his entire story and background and set of issues, I don’t think there’s a right way to respond other than to distance oneself from the interaction without being provoking, which is exactly what you did!
That bugged me, too. At best, it’s an indicator that his read of the situation is really poor. At worst, it’s an indication that he is straight-up delusional, which is a little scary.
But yeah, there’s no way I’d be able to analyze the guy and come up with the perfect response in the middle of the situation.
After getting over being annoyed that someone was talking to me when I really didn’t want to be talked to, I would have probably scoffed that he thought he made me uncomfortable and said no….and then moved away distractedly also. And the truth is he WOULD have made me uncomfortable but I always try to put on my best I-am-a-people-person-and-I’m-not-phased-by-our-differences act even though sometimes I AM phased by them. I don’t know what that does for me in a safety aspect, but it’s always my go-to reaction.
I probably would have done exactly what you did, as I am not a quick-thinker. My gut reaction would be to disengage as quickly as possible.
That being said, I swim laps twice weekly at an indoor pool and an older guy there (maybe 60s) is very talky. I don’t mind chatting, but then he asked if I would hurt him if he asked me a personal question. In the moment, my response was to make a confused noise and face and kind of brush it off (then I left the pool as quickly as possible). The next time I saw him he asked me if now would be a good time for that personal question. I answered no and that I thought that question was creepy since we didn’t know each other. He left it alone and took off swimming. I left the pool. So, now I’m worried about the next time I see him. I’m also feeling guilty that I might have offended him. WHY?? It seems girls are brought up to be nice, polite, and not assertive (or at least I was) even when someone makes you uncomfortable. I wonder if there is a way to bring up our daughters differently, so this will not be an issue in the future…
So, I saw him again and he didn’t acknowledge me. Win or not? Now it seems even weirder…
I have to preface my response by admitting I make small talk with strangers on the bus and in the elevator all the time. However, how I react when someone does that to me depends very much on the situation – what exactly they say, and where and under what circumstances they say it.
“Are you picking someone up?” in the arrival section of the airport would seem like a totally normal conversational gambit from someone I’m coincidentally situated right next to, and I would assume the person just wanted to kill time. If they appeared normal, I would probably have answered “Yep, my mother. You?” My spidey sense would have only gone off if they ignored my question and went to the “Do I make you uncomfortable?” or if they’d just answered “No.” because like you said, what are they doing there otherwise? Likely I would have answered a “no” with something like “So… just hanging out at the airport?” with a raised eyebrow.
Even I, in all my chattiness, am all for not being automatically polite if the creep factor kicks in though. In that case, I say whatever I feel will end the interaction quickest. If he seems not too mentally balanced I might do what you did and say “no, you don’t make me uncomfortable” and then walk away, because you never know what will set a crazy off. On the other hand, I have certainly told men that tried to sit down beside me while I was sunbathing on the beach “Please go away” and “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to read my book and get some sun.” when they were going from woman to woman bothering people.
I am late to this post but I have thoughts. First, I was raised in in a major metropolitan area and taught from a young age not to engage with strangers at all. People where I grew up tend not to be chatty with strangers either. Even though I haven’t lived there in over 20 years, my first reaction is always not to engage, particularly when I get a weird vibe.
That said, my close friends refer to me as a “freak magnet.” I know that sounds incredibly harsh, but really if there is someone not quite right within 20 ft of me and a bunch of other people, he (it’s always a man) will ALWAYS approach me. Consequently, I have a really low tolerance for being approached by men I don’t know outside of very limited circumstances. I am probably too guarded, but as soon as a guy I don’t know starts in with something like that question, I tend to ignore him and move away.
This post and all of the subsequent comments are really interesting. In general, I’m happy to chat/small talk with strangers unless they make me uncomfortable – which this guy totally would have. In those scenarios I just get up and walk away, but made sure I “busy” myself in the new location: for instance, I would go into the restroom or to an employee under the pretense of having a question, rather than just moving to the other side of the room. In my experience that really concludes the interaction and doesn’t invite the person to follow.
Of course, getting up and walking away isn’t always an immediate option – some of my creepiest interactions have been on public transportation. In those cases I’ve just gotten off at the next stop and either waited for the next bus or walked the rest of the way. You can’t be too careful, although my default is just to assume these people are harmless. I guess this is a mix of caution from living in a big city with lots of homeless panhandlers…and my Texas upbringing (never met a stranger).
I would do as you did. I clicked through to read everyone else’s comments though (slightly more relevant to my life than cellos, at least?)
Being from the Midwest, I probably would have said, “No, but thank you for asking.” When we visit big cities outside of this region, I’ve learned to turn to my face to stone, ignore and keep walking, so I guess you can take the Midwest out of the girl if necessary (much easier to do now that I am older and more aware of bad things/situations/people.) I think you handled it very well, and the comment section has been fascinating!
This is fascinating, and I keep thinking about all of the variables. I live in a region of the country that is generally known for overt friendliness, to the extent that strangers passing on the street may smile or even wave, in a way that can be alarming or off-putting to newcomers. Depending on the circumstances, particularly if it were still light out ,I might have responded to the guy’s first question with something like, “Yup; how about you?” or maybe even, “Yup, my mom; how about you?” On the other hand, airports are anxiety-provoking for me–the constant announcements to be vigilant about unattended bags take my brain straight to the Large and Scary reasons why–and so, had I been marinating in that atmosphere and pacing around for a while, I might have been extremely curt, daylight or not.