I don’t know if I’ve mentioned Captain Awkward here yet, but it’s one of my favorite sites now: http://CaptainAwkward.com. She reminds me strongly of another favorite, Miss Manners: Miss Manners has a reputation for being about stationery sizes and fancy forks, when actually many of her letters are “Dear Miss Manners, My husband is being dumb, but my way of telling you about it is also kind of annoying”/”Dear Gentle Reader, [Piercingly intelligent reply that untangles all the issues and sets everyone straight].” That’s how Captain Awkward is, too: she’s kind, but she GETS TO IT.
Anyway, one of her themes I strongly agree with is that if you’re feeling bad, it’s good to get some practical things done to take care of yourself (haircut, vegetables, walk, face wash) or your living space (clean, tidy, fix). I like this because when I try it, it feels almost like a magic spell: I do some tasks, and they don’t seem like they’d have anything to do with why I’m feeling bad, but I DO feel better. I feel like a rat pressing a lever, but by George it works.
I’m thinking of that today, because I got a couple such things done that I’d been putting off for quite awhile: I got my hair cut (2 inches off the ends—nothing interesting), even though it meant going to a walk-in place because I can’t seem to manage figuring out and scheduling an appointment; and I made an appointment to see the doctor about my hands, which seems silly because they’re not SO bad, but they’re often feeling weak or uncomfortable, and I’m starting to have trouble sometimes with opening jars or whatever, and sometimes I do something normal like opening a drawer and I get a stab of pain, so off I go.
It isn’t even that I don’t think it’s worth going to the doctor about the hands: I think it’s pretty clear I need to. It’s that I don’t want to START A THING, and an appointment like this is STARTING A THING. There might be ideas to try (new keyboard, exercises, not holding the phone that way to play games on it), or questions I have trouble answering since the problem is irregular and hard to figure out, and follow-up appointments; and I will think afterward that I explained things wrong and that if I’d explained differently she would have tried different things; there might be a referral and all the accompanying fuss (calling the insurance, figuring out when to schedule things, calling to make the appointment, calling the doctor back to get the referral sent through, etc.). There will then be insurance screw-ups, more follow-up appointments. Maybe there will be decisions about surgery, which will involve more insurance and referrals and figuring out when to schedule. It will be A THING.
Also, it’s silly but I think there’s a little feeling of “If I don’t go looking for bad news, there won’t be any.”
Well. It still feels good to have the appointment made (despite dreading everything about this), because it is better than knowing I OUGHT to make the appointment. Thinking of it every time my hands hurt, thinking, “Urg, I guess I should make that appointment” and then “Urg, it’s the end of the day and I still haven’t made that appointment”—it was wearying. Accomplishing the making of the appointment feels better.
Have you read The Happiness Project? She says the same thing – basically that having a long to-do list clutters your mind and causes stress, and making a dent in that list, especially on those things that you have been putting off for a while, make a huge difference in your stress levels and happiness. It’s something I have found to be true but always forget.
I was going to suggest the same thing! I love that book- she seems very practical and methodical in her approach which I liked.
I’ve had migraines since I was 15, I’m in the care of a neurologist, and I take a ton of meds. Whenever I’m having a lot of headaches, my thought about calling the doctor is always “There won’t be anything new they can do.” Because, of course, I know that! I frequently read complex medical journals in the field, and attend medical conferences with news on breaking treatments! I treat hundreds of patients a week! So, of course, there won’t be anything new… wait.
There’s sometimes a little thought in there that I will be disappointing the doctor, too. Like I tried his good idea and I failed him. Sheesh.
Ha ha! Yes, I do the “won’t be anything they can do,” too! Because last time, they told me we were at the end of the line and there was nothing more they could do for me…..wait.
I also seem to think that if I can’t think of a solution, or if I can’t figure out what the problem is, then THEY can’t EITHER. “Who can even tell what’s going on here?,” I think to myself, since I can’t guess.
I have put off SO many things because of this: “Also, it’s silly but I think there’s a little feeling of ‘If I don’t go looking for bad news, there won’t be any.'”
Yep. Last year after doing exactly this avoidance dodge for months, I finally went to the dr and of course it turned out to be nothing. That was after months of going into sweat-panics every time I thought about What It Could Be and almost making myself sick over thinking about the horrific possibilities. Yay, brain!
YES THIS ALL OF THIS YES. I have recently bit the bullet and begun physical therapy for some post-baby issues, and I put off starting for all the dumb reasons ever, but mostly because: what if this treatment DOESN’T make me feel better, and I just have to be like this for the rest of my life? Yet I am allowed to raise children… *hangs head in shame*
Totally agree. I do the same things all the time of doing nothing and feeling terrible. And then I do one thing like wipe the tray with all the coffee grounds and it’s like a cleaning company cleaned the whole house.
I’m pretty sure I found Captain Awkward through your recommendation, although maybe it was via twitter. Anyway I love it. I’ve been reading the archives and I feel like I’ve learned a lot. And while I’m on the topic, thanks for the recommendation for Dumbing of Age. I have read through the entire archives twice and now I’m starting the other comics by the same guy. I keep staying up too late at night, going ‘I’ll just read the next comic… just one more… just one more…”
This post was the motivation I needed to call and schedule a dentist appointment. Thank / curse you for that!
So I had missed Captain Awkward until this post and it’s great. Down side: I’ve spent way too much time there over the last day or so! So, thank you? :)
I put off going to physio for an arm problem for months because of the whole Starting a Thing thing. And I’ve been going to physio once a week and it IS a pain in the ass, and today it was rainy and gross and I didn’t want to go SO MUCH I almost cried. But I went, and it’s been a few weeks and my arm feels better. Also, every time I get in a rut I start thinking I need a job. Then I remember that I could just spend a few hours clearing out the basement or sorting through the clothes on the landing instead. So yeah.
Captain Awkward is my new favorite thing! Thank you! I’ve been reading through the archives. Aside from the awesome advice, the comments are brilliant. Now I have found two places on the Internet where reading the comments is a good idea! (Swistle and Captain Awkward.)
Oooh, this is so timely. I have been feeling bleh, and snapping at the kids, and struggling with stuff I thought I had a handle on for a couple of weeks now. I also have a growing to-do list of little things that don’t seem stressful, but added up are probably roiling constantly around in my subconscious. Most of them are things I will do sooner, rather than later, because I have to or because they involve the kids. But I’ve put off going to the dentist for literally five years because Icouldgiveexcusesforeverrighthere, but I bet no matter what happened, even if it was a root canal, I’d feel better about my life as a whole if I just crossed that first appointment with the new dentist off the list. Will give it a shot tomorrow …
The thing I love about your blog is that I spend so much time stressing over things while ALSO thinking that nobody else could possible worry about these same things, or procrastinate in the same way or for the same reasons that I do. I feel so much less alone when I read your posts and all the comments.
I actually went to an appointment YESTERDAY that I had been putting off for literally three years. It didn’t have a super satisfactory outcome (not that there is something really wrong, rather that there is nothing really wrong at all and it’s just a slight discomfort I have to live with), but every time I remember that it’s no longer hanging over me I feel LIGHT AND BUZZY.
Captain Awkward sounds like you (from your description) when dealing with hormonal pregnant ladies on your baby naming blog.