Pretty often it happens that I read something about a way to live life (LOSE WEIGHT! ORGANIZE STUFF! BE SUCCESSFUL! BE HAPPY!), and I turn out to disagree with that particular route pretty thoroughly, and yet I end up getting something useful out of it anyway. For example, I read the whole Fly Lady cleaning system, and what I got out of that was:
1. When someone says “Just x minutes!,” it’s never actually just x minutes
2. Having a clean house is not that important to me
3. Bless or oppress?
It’s that third thing that has been the most helpful. I truly dislike the word AND concept of “bless” and so this expression is hard for me to even THINK, let alone SAY, and yet it has been very useful for figuring out what things to get rid of and what things to keep. “Does this item BLESS me or OPPRESS me?,” I think, wincingly, and then I figure out which category the possession falls into.
ANYWAY. I read some books about parenting teenagers, and for the most part I haven’t found that I go back to those books/concepts time and again or that I have revolutionized my parenting because of them—but I did get one major thing from them, which is that if your teenager chooses to engage with you, you should GO WITH IT. The gist of it is that teenagers are reluctant to share things with parents, and in many ways it is GOOD for them to be separating at this time—but that if they DO choose to interact, TAKE IT.
This seems so obvious, or it did to me when I read it. Yes, yes, if my child interacts with me, I should interact back. But then I got to the stage where what my child wanted to interact about was Violent Opinions About Russia, or Some TV Show I’m Not Interested In, and things didn’t click quite so hard. That’s when the book became useful to me: the child is choosing to interact with me, it does not matter WHAT he is choosing to interact about, that interaction is WORTH GRABBING.
This is why right now I am watching the first season of 24, even though it is too scary for me. It is also why I watched this video:
It didn’t appeal to me and it’s not the kind of thing I’d usually watch, but I’m glad that when Rob mentioned it, I immediately watched it. It’s not just that it’s good for the parent-child relationship, it’s also that teenagers find neat stuff.
24 is so, so scary!!
This is so true and also my experience. It is incredibly interesting when your first “mother of a teen” experience is with a boy. I feel like I’ve been granted access into a secret club — had no idea how teen boys’ brains worked until I was in charge of one.
It’s helpful to think of the show as semi-ridiculous as well. His daughter gets kidnapped ~3 times during the first season. And remember, that season takes place over a single day.
Well, I just watched that youtube video and couldn’t figure out why I was sobbing by the end. Then I remembered that I am weaning. Oh yeah.
Oh! But I enjoyed the video, very much! Which is why I was perplexed by the sobbing at first.
How about ‘enjoy or annoy’? (Instead of ‘bless or oppress’).
Loved that video! Totally showing it to my classes tomorrow so we can practice some inferencing!
Such good advice. And may I add: Interact WHEN they want to. The time of day my two oldest interacted with me most often was at or after midnight. I’d be in bed about to sleep and they’d come in with “hey mom… got a second?” which turned into an hour. But I treasure those conversations, even though I was up half the night.
That is the truth! My 15 year old daughter especially always gets hyped up and chatty after 10:00, right when I want to wind down and go to sleep. She will come in my bedroom for what she calls “talky-talk time”, and I do my best to listen, even though it’s usually about not-so-interesting-to-me topics. I hope that it will keep the lines open for when she wants to share what might be a little more interesting down the line. I am also much more aware of music trends, thanks to her!
My daughter is now off at college and we still have after midnight conversations…. This time via text. So worth the lack of sleep!
Oh, good heavens. You know, I wasn’t even a teen anymore and I remember my mother meeting me at Dulles airport when I’d flown back from a semester (really closer to 6 months) abroad, arriving at midnight (and after 6 months in Europe I did realize it was ridiculous that she needed to pick me up — that I couldn’t just take a train from that capital to our state’s capital — and was grateful she was willing to do it. Though, in retrospect now as a mom myself — what choice did she have? But I digress!), and then me yacking for hours about everything!. Bless her heart and the heart of moms everywhere.
I try to keep this in mind and listen when my 10yo wants to tell me about the Deck/Strategy he’s just put together in his trading card game (ugh). The other day he said to me, after describing one of these strategies, “but I know you don’t care about this stuff.” Broke my heart. I guess he can tell when my eyes glaze over! I tried to explain that it isn’t that I don’t CARE, it’s just that I don’t GET IT. It’s not my WORLD. I guess as long as he keeps TRYING to tell me, I won’t worry that I’ve lost him. ;)
I loved The Maker. Thanks for sharing that.
Just last night my 7yo son said at dinner, “Can I tell you one or two facts about football?” which turned into him monopolizing the table for about 20 minutes on a topic the rest of us find deadly. I finally had to cut him off on grounds of manners, but I think now I’ll ask him about it later. He’s not a teen but I should lay the groundwork on thinking he’s interesting no matter what. So thank you.
I loved watching “The Maker,” and so I sent it to my husband, who is an animator. He responded with this, which is so beautiful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBk3ynRbtsw.
Ooo, I really liked it!