Paul’s aunt and uncle are coming to stay in our area for three days. They’ve mentioned this idea several times before but it’s never come to anything. This time, the hotel is booked. I’m nervous, and suddenly realize I don’t know much about hosting/entertaining guests. But I’m also intrigued, because it’s far off so I’m not DEEPLY nervous yet—more interested in the range of how these things work. Different guests and different hosts would expect different levels of involvement, and there are many elements to consider such as how far the guests have come, and whether or not they are staying in one’s home. I don’t know yet whether they/we are thinking of a “Hey, great, you’re in town, let’s get together for lunch!” encounter or more of a “Here’s/Where’s the itinerary for our three days of sun-up to sundown together!”
I’ve never met them, but they’re in their early 70s, not very physically vigorous at this point, and extremely involved in their church (he is a former pastor and still does some subbing). I gather Aunt Marilyn is a bit of a force to be reckoned with. Several times I’ve seen her try to manage a family situation in a rather…managerial fashion. Fortunately, she CAN be made to back down. For example, one of her projects was to try to get my mother-in-law to move near to us. She launched an aggressive and worrisome campaign that had me saying aggressive and worrisome things to Paul. But she did stop. First her husband had to say firmly that he felt that was not a good idea and that she should probably butt out. I found this out later, after I’d had to find a way to translate Significant Raised Eyebrows into typed text and tell her tactfully that I believed that if my mother-in-law moved near to us, we would soon, by sheerest coincidence, be moving as well. She dropped it with grace, saying that her husband had told her she should probably butt out.
There is some uncertain-feelings history here as well. I too felt it was startling when Paul and his sister decided not to have a funeral for their dad, who was Aunt Marilyn’s brother. I understand their point of view, but if it had been up to me I would have gone a different way on that decision. I told Paul so at the time, but I did feel it was up to Paul and his sister, not up to me: their dad was indeed a piece of work, and the family is secretive as hell tactful so I know very little about it, and I KNOW I know very little about it, and my own experiences with him were not positive, and if it were MY family I would want Paul to butt out, so I butted out. Aunt Marilyn arranged the funeral instead, without telling Paul and his sister. That is a bit of a murky puddle there.
A third issue, if third is what we’re up to by now, is that Paul’s family, like mine, is extensively religious. When I met Paul, he was not religious but hadn’t told his family so. He continued not to tell his family so, and never did tell them. Again, this is a decision where I would have gone a different way (and DID go a different way) but, also again, this is his family and his decision. It makes things a bit awkward, though, when the visit will include a Sunday. Even if the visit didn’t include a Sunday, I think the subject would be likely to come up—not because they’d be tentatively asking whether or not we are a certain way, but because they will ask a question that ASSUMES it without even thinking it COULD be otherwise (“So, what does your pastor think of [recent topic that is hot to them but totally off our radar]?”), and I will have to figure out how to answer a question like that.
Hm. With this post I’d intended to discuss the practical aspects of hosting/guesting: meals, activities, expectations, etc. And I DO want to talk about those things, but I seem to have gone off in a different direction here, so let’s save that other stuff for later and consider today’s topic The Backstory that may help with the future post’s discussion.
It’s so interesting to read the differing family dynamic stuff – though I have no solid advice, as I’m still figuring this out myself. I thought my family really didn’t talk about stuff. Then I became familiar with my husband’s family who really, really, REALLY don’t talk about stuff. It is distinctly weird to be the chatterbox of the group, when I am not that at all.
We moved far away from family a little while back, so I’ve had to learn to host people in our house. I still find it stressful honestly, but I do think it gets better over time.
Oh, interesting back story!
(And, I hesitate to write this because I know you value your privacy, but I am increasingly wondering if we came from the same religious/denominational tradition and perhaps even went to the same college, though at different times)
(does the word TULIP mean anything to you other than flower related?)
We live far from both sides of the family, and have for years hosted visiting folks in our homes, but I will save my sage advice for when the frontstory comes up. As for your backstory, I am preemptively cringing on your behalf. I am not one for confrontation (especially with family) (especially when that family has traveled a long way and you just want to show them A Nice Time), so I tend to try to steer the conversation to the weather or the cute things the kids have been doing, etc. This works with my family, but my husband’s family has always had a bit of a lets-get-into-it vibe on disagreements. We have a close relative that has gotten involved in an ultra-conservative church, and is determined to win us our souls for the Lord, and it is awkward. Even more awkward that we are already Christians and have been serving in ministry roles for years. Can’t please everyone, I guess.
Of all the many (many, many) adjustments in life I made when I got married, the issue of how families visit was the most tension-fraught. My family’s visiting style was to swoop in one night, spend the night, spend the next day in conversation/laughter/fun then swoop back out early the following morning. Intense but quick. Husband’s family’s visiting style was to meander in, stay for a WEEK OR MORE (emphasis intentional) before meandering out. And this was while I was staying home with the Boys and Husband was working, so it meant his mother and I spent much Quality Time together. After a week of no privacy or alone-ness, some very tense conversations and countless meaningfully raised eyebrows, I realized that I had to keep my schedule while they were in my house. There is just no way to drop everything for a week to entertain, so I continued to cook, do laundry, visit my friends, etc., which was perfectly fine with the in-laws. They worked around me, I worked around them, and all were happy. But until I got to that point? Hooo-eeey. It was ugly. Don’t change your schedule.
“Can you tell me more about that?” Ask THEM to talk. Many people will love to hear themselves talk and will go home feeling that you were terrific hosts if you ask them to enlarge on topics they brought up. They will feel you agreed with them if you ask them for more details without actually letting them know where you stand on anything.
Find out beforehand if they have any food restrictions, and put out lots of food they can eat. Georgette Heyer has one of her characters observe that people rarely complain about having had an insipid time if they’ve been well fed. Also, it’s hard(er) to talk about difficult topics when your mouth is full.
Totally agree- feed them way too much food and ask them to talk about themselves. Turn every question back on them. They’ll leave stuffed and feeling like you actually care.
I have a distinct minefield-dodging feeling reading the backstory. Could go well but feels a little dicey!
Oh man. Having just hosted an elderly, extremely religious, known to be autocratic relative in my home for multiple days, I can relate. I also come from a family with very strong and deep religious views (think multiple career missionaries over several generations — the fervor didn’t die out between generations, it actually increased) and have kept pretty much mum about my own non-religiosity. This relative, though, really wanted to get into it and after I dodged a whole lot of point blank questions I finally cracked and admitted that I am not a believer.
The most difficult part was realizing afterwards how hard she took it. She wasn’t upset with me but was truly distressed and saddened that I am not, according to her beliefs, saved. She’s quite a bit older than your relatives so I think for her there is a sense of wanting to square things away before she passes. (She visits every year and this was the first time she pressed the issue.) It was really hard to see the sorrow in her eyes. She and I were both kind to each other as we said our truths, though, and I think that’s as much as one can ask.
I do hope you are able to dodge more nimbly than I, and/or that your relatives are not as persistent as mine.
The great news is that the HOTEL is booked. My in-laws invite themselves to our home for 10 day stretches. When I’m having a c-section. Over Christmas. And they’re super finicky.
This way yours will have a home-base to retreat to, especially if things get a smidge tense.
When my in-laws come to town, they like to pretend it’s a vacation so they stay in a hotel. Works for me! It used to drive me crazy because they’d never have a concrete plan – are they coming for lunch? No? What about dinner? What time? – but now I just kind of am prepared for extra people and go with the flow. I let them know they are welcome to hang out with us, or just let me know if they want me to drive them somewhere. It works pretty well.
So Aunt Marilyn wanted your MIL to move to be your neighbour? That seems overbearingly overbearing. But fortunately she backed off on that one. Hoo boy.
Another great post, Swistle. Also, your commenters are the best…so many amusing and awkward backstories here, not to mention wise nuggets of advice.
My husband and I have to give ourselves pre-visit pep talks before encounters with certain relatives along the lines of: “assume positive intent” “avoid topics x, y and z” “be extra gracious” “we want to look back and know that we did all we could to make this a positive time”….it sort of works and at least puts us both in the right mindset going in.
I’m very interested in hearing how this all plays out. The good news: it sounds like the husband can rein in his wife a little and that she has responded with a measure of humility and grace in the past. Courage!
Given how incredibly unpleasant this woman sounds, I’d maybe meet up for lunch one day and be inconveniently “busy” the rest of the visit. With 5 children and school due to start up soon, I’m sure you can think up something.
I do have some experience regarding Visitors with Religious Differences, so perhaps I can offer a tiny bit of help. My own family is also very secretive and will never, ever tell you their true feelings about anything, so while they may be literally dying of disappointment over my religious decisions they would never, ever come out and say it, so that helps a lot. Really cuts down on the Difficult and Awkward Conversations!
What has worked for me is to be very matter-of-fact. If they say, “So what time does your church start on Sunday?” you reply, “We don’t go to church on Sundays, but here are the directions and times for a couple of churches you might like.” Then suggest a place you can all meet for lunch after whichever service they choose to attend.
I don’t have good advice for refusing to be drawn into conversations about why you don’t go–perhaps another commenter has experience with family members who aren’t mortally afraid of expressing a negative feeling–but you’ll have done your duty as a good hostess by respecting their desire to attend church and providing information for them.
It is SO weird and uncomfortable when old friends or relatives make broad, opinionated statements which include the assumption that you must agree with them about a certain subject when you in fact very definitely feel the opposite way. It feels so pointless to announce that Actually I Disagree Entirely, when you’re unlikely to even see them again for several years and very VERY unlikely to change their mind about said topic. But it also feels disingenuous and shameful to mm-hmm along and pretend as though nothing about the conversation is making you want to scream. Good luck with all that, I guess is what I’m saying!
My go-to with my husband’s family has been to keep everyone a little tipsy and play board games. Since these folks are religious, that might be off the table. The back story does feel like a mine field but it doesn’t have to be if you don’t let it become one. My MIL isn’t religious but is very controlling especially regarding food. I recently became a vegetarian and it deeply disturbs her to the point of interrogating me constantly during mealtimes. The way I deal with it is by politely answering her question as briefly as possible, but just once. If she persists (and she always does) I say, “you know, I answered that question already. Being a vegetarian is what feels right for me and I’d prefer we talk about something else”. Now, there will be an awkward pause but the thing to remember in this moment is that it is the other person’s rudeness that created it, not your very reasonable request for them to cut it out. It helps to role play beforehand with your husband or a friend or just by yourself in the mirror.
“The other person’s rudeness” caused the awkward pause, not the reasonable and straightforward reaction to the rudeness…Mind blown! What a wonderfully succinct and accurate life lesson that is so difficult to feel in the moment. I will have to jot this down and remind myself before interacting with certain people.
Wonderful blog post and comments!
Oh my. This is a great back story. And it makes me want so much to hear all about their visit!
Not much to add, but I laughed at the “secretive as hell” bit. I think maybe I really should start thinking of this as “tactful,” because my husband gets secretive every once in a while, and it drives me crazy – partly because his siblings are so not this way that it makes no sense that he tries to protect anyone in his family at all. But mostly, doesn’t he realize that without at least vague details, my imagination will fill in all sorts of blanks with the worst possible scenario?
Maybe you can ask them a few things about preferences and plans beforehand, and make the church part sort of a line-item there? Like »do either of you have allergies or dislikes we should be aware of when preparing food, are there special sights you’d like to see while here so I can find out when they are opened, and would you like me to find out the times of the services of churches around here so you can decide
which one works best for you? We’re not part of a congregation here, but I hear the people at xyz church are very welcoming«. Then let them draw their own conclusion, and they can decide how much further they want to ask about it. Religion will most likely still be an issue by the time they visit, but their shock will have worn off a little and you don’t need to be nervous about when exactly the bomb will drop during the visit.
Oh, I LIKE this. I like your wording, too: “not part of a congregation, but [segue to positive things].” That seems very smooth and natural.
Maybe some pre-visit comments–over email, ideally–along the lines of “Since you don’t know our area/town well, here are links to a few of the local churches in your denomination. I figured you and Uncle So-and-So would want to attend services the Sunday you’re here. While you two do that, [the kids/Paul] and I will be [back-to-school-shopping/doing something else], since that’s or Sunday tradition, but maybe we could all meet for lunch [back at the house or at Such-and-Such restaurant]?” Maybe she will still ask you to elaborate or clarify, but I assume, based on what I’ve read here of her, that she’ll probably discuss this email with her husband a lot pre-visit :) and their eventually-reached conclusion/decision will be to drop/ignore it, just as she eventually did with the idea of Paul’s mom’s moving closer. It gives her some time for her to think about what you’ve told her, at least, rather than dropping it on her during the visit. Good luck. :)
I like the idea of giving them a clue beforehand, so that they can decide not to bring it up rather than ACCIDENTALLY bringing it up. And then if they DO bring it up, I know it’s ON PURPOSE.
This is the greatest essay. It may feel a little “lesson-y” to Rob, so just catch him at a time when he might be open to lesson-y? I showed it to my 14 year old, and she was 100% onboard and very interested, so there’s that… https://sindeloke.wordpress.com/2010/01/13/37/
I have also gained some traction in conversations like that by acknowledging the differenced between what SHOULD BE and what IS. Yes. Absolutely. Men and women should be equally safe out in the world. Women should not have to fear for their safety. Women should not make less money. Men should not be feared simply because they happen to be outside at night. Sure. Absolutely. Should. But the practical part is this– women do have to be more careful. I never leave a drink unattended. I am thoughtful about where I go at night. I seriously debated the safety of taking a taxi home from the airport late one night. That’s what IS. Acknowledging what Is does not change what Should Be, just as fighting for what Should Be does not change what Is.