Some of my kids are taking lessons this week from a guy in his 60s we’ve encountered previous summers. I think he’s probably a good teacher, but I also think he thinks of himself as a great and inspiring person who commands the children’s admiration and respect. He also thinks he does a better job than the parents, and has some issues with correcting children’s behavior when the parents have already picked up the children and the lessons are over. “No sticks! Put that down!” he says sharply to Henry, when Henry has picked up a small stick in the parking lot.
Also, he is the type of person, and I don’t know how to describe this but I’ve encountered it before: he FREQUENTLY says something mystifying and then does a long significant pause, and I’ll have no idea at all whether I’m supposed to know what he’s talking about, or whether he’s waiting for me to ask him what he’s talking about, or whether he’s pausing for effect before going on, or WHAT. Or worse, he’ll ask a question and I’ll have no idea what he’s talking about. “Do you feel the giant change?,” he’ll say, in a tone as if he’s making a very clever in-joke. Me: *blank look, inner panic*
This is all just background for the story I’m going to tell about what happened yesterday. I was the last parent to pick up kids, and he gave me a report on how they were doing. Then things went right off the rails. He asked Henry if Henry knew what coordination was, and Henry gave a close-but-no-cigar answer, so the teacher said he would tell him what it was. At this point the teacher went for audience participation, which is way at the top of my Most Hated list. I associate it strongly with several of my least favorite things: not knowing what’s expected of me; looking foolish; having to think fast; not knowing what’s going on next to someone who DOES know what’s going on and is exploiting that situation to enhance their own performance; feeling pressure to go along with things.
So I was already feeling unhappy when I put out my hand palm-up as instructed, and I wished the teacher could tell Henry what coordination was without involving me, but another thing I hate about audience participation is that I can’t imagine saying, “No, I’d prefer not to do the absolutely small and reasonable thing you just asked me to do.” And so I don’t say it, and later I worry that this means I am someone who would go along with Terrible Things just because I wouldn’t want to say anything.
ANYWAY. There I am, hand held out. And the teacher put his hand palm-down, about an inch over mine. I waited for the next thing to happen, but nothing else happened. Then he said expectantly, confidently, “Feel that?” Me: *inner panic, FEEL WHAT???* *looks at hand to see if his hand is touching, because I don’t feel anything* “……..I just feel……heat?” “No,” he said, “That’s ENERGY.” Me: *inner panic increases* Fortunately, he interpreted my blank, panicked look as amazed attentiveness, so he went on: “Now, what kind of energy is it?” Me: *INNER PANIC INCREASES EXPONENTIALLY* Him: “Does it feel relaxing? nervous?” Me: *oh hey I know this answer* “Nervous.” Him, and I am not even kidding: “That’s because you don’t let people get close to you. You haven’t for years, have you? I can sense a box around you. You keep people out, don’t you?” Me: *dear God, I will pay you one million dollars to make this stop happening, seriously I will write you a post-dated check right now*
Wouldn’t it have been great if I’d said, “Do you notice that box around most people you meet? Because I think what you’re sensing is a thing called Personal Space, or perhaps we could call it Appropriate Social Boundaries. ‘Not liking to have a strange man standing this close and doing weird things’ is not the same as ‘Not letting personal relationships develop emotional closeness over time'”? Instead of what I DID do, which was to stare at him in horrified, paralyzed silence.
Again, fortunately or unfortunately, he interpreted my reaction as hitting a hole in one, and he nodded at the way he was astounding me by telling me truths about myself. He made very intense eye contact. “You get headaches, too, don’t you?,” he continued. “Behind your eyes, and at the back of your neck.” I wondered what on EARTH the kids were thinking of this. I tried to imagine transitioning from this activity to one in which I was walking away toward my car, and couldn’t picture how that would go.
He continued with his cold-reading/horoscope stuff. I had goals, he told me; I kept THOSE close to me, didn’t I? Our hands, unbelievably, were still extended, about an inch apart. Noticing this, he said he was now going to CHANGE the energy from nervous to soothing. He appeared to concentrate. He looked at me expectantly, already anticipating and appreciating my forthcoming impressed response. At this point, I am glad to say that at least I did NOT agree that the energy was soothing. I said I still just felt heat. Then I looked at the kids, just a regular mother monitoring their behavior and accidentally not noticing that in doing so she had taken her hand away from the oddest demonstration ever of the word coordination, not a trapped rabbit looking for an escape route. He clapped his hand onto my shoulder and kept it there, and I looked up, startled, broadcasting a strong clear signal to anyone with any psychic/sensing abilities whatsoever: “III HAAATE THISSS.” Every empathetic person within ten miles probably got a weird feeling for a second. I thought “Crap, he’s going to think this obvious all-but-hissing-and-spitting reaction confirms his theory that I don’t let people get close.” He nodded understandingly: he felt he had received my signal loud and clear. “Felt that, didn’t you!” he said proudly. “THAT was relaxing energy!”
My savior appeared at this point: a little boy from the class wandered back over. The conversation turned back to the lessons and how they had gone and what needed to be improved. I asked the children had they said thank you yet, and they said no, so I had them say thank you and then we followed that path of politeness right through to good-bye and see you tomorrow. As soon as the car door closed behind us I said “What the ACTUAL HECK was that?” and the children relaxed into relieved laughter. Then I told Henry what coordination was.
I would love to have been able to have heard what your children were thinking during all of this. That is one of the most bizarre teacher stories I have ever heard…
Also I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks of the perfect response to bizarre situations as soon as they walk away.
Oh my goodness, I would have melted into a pool of embarrassment on the spot. You need to make it into a family joke now. The punchline would always be, “Now that’s relaxing energy” when something is anything but relaxing.
LOL yes! I love this.
I don’t know that I could have played along that long. My inner awkward introvert would have been scrambling to get the heck out of there … and then I would have a hard time bringing my kids back for more lessons.
And I agree with StephLove – relaxing energy sure seems like it would become at least a Swistle blog joke!
What a big old pile of weirdo!
…And that would be the last lesson my kids ever had with him. Weirdo.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. I got angry reading this. I felt his behavior was very disrespectful to you, and inappropriate.
Hah, I was thinking the same thing Sarah. Good Grief, whatever he teaches, there has to a less creeptastic teacher somewhere.
Yea.. complete ditto.
Would never go back.
They can play “trops semaG regnuH” in the yard with the neighborhood kids.
And make sure to tell the place where your kids are taking lessons why you’re not returning. Holy moly, that is creeptastic.
Not to mention condescending! I can’t imagine him doing this garbage to one of the fathers. I felt angry reading this too.
BUT WHAT DID THAT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH COORDINATION?
This. I want to like it.
Hey, at least you got an excellent blog post out of this bizarre and awkward experience.
that is one of the best stories I have read in a while. I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.
I had to look away at the end of the fifth paragraph because I was laughing so hard, I needed to take a deep breath before I could read more!
I think what I love most about my bigger kids now, is that they totally get when someone/something is weird and/or inappropriately funny and will laugh with me after the fact.
This whole situation was weird. I was uncomfortable just reading about it.
Weirdo was just looking for an excuse to get close to you and touch you. The story made me angry. Next time ask him if he knows the meaning of BOUNDARIES. Or maybe not, I don’t even want to think what his lesson would look like.
Bizarro! Are you going to keep sending the kids to their lessons? I’d be wracking my brain trying to find ways to give that dude a wide berth from now on.
What the ACTUAL HECK is right. ?!? Guy sounds like a genuine fruitcake. What’s he teaching the kids, just out of curiosity?
I’m nervous about putting in words that might make good search terms, but I’ll bet I can think of a way to tell you. It’s…let’s see. trops semaG regnuH.
SO innnteresting!
Last week my 3 yr old daughter and I were outside and my neighbours had hired a dog trainer for their 3 little dogs. My neighbour asked me to walk over to see if the dogs would react to my daughter while the trainer was there. We did, and my daughter wanted to stay and pet the dogs. The trainer, who is a complete stranger to us, decided to teach my daughter how to approach and pet a dog. He must’ve thought it was appropriate to demonstrate on ME. Without notice, he came over to me, explaining that he was going to show her to pet the dog’s chin then reached up (he was about a foot shorter than I was) and gently caressed my face. It was….. odd.
Ewww….. Bad teacher, bad! You should have hit him with a rolled up newspaper!
I’m very impressed you kept your composure all the while your brain was freaking out! On one hand, that’s a fantastic, hilarious experience that you can laugh about later. On the other hand, his behavior is disturbing and wildly inappropriate. I hope you can avoid him from now on, or at least those types of interactions with him. BUT, I would most definitely take parts of that and turn them into family jokes.
Also, this is exactly why I’d have gone along with him: “… I can’t imagine saying, ‘No, I’d prefer not to do the absolutely small and reasonable thing you just asked me to do.'”
Weird. Does he think he was doing Reiki? That’s what it sort of seems like?
It reminds me of a yoga class I took once where at the end there was sort of this prayer like thing that talked about the light in me and the light in you and blah blah blah. It made me feel super uncomfortable and it was hard not to laugh. I never went back.
I always thought that was weird too until I realized it’s the translation of “namaste.” For some reason knowing that it’s the translation of a word into English makes it less weird to me? But the whole ending of a yoga class I often find strange, and instead of experiencing the transcendental peace I imagine I’m supposed to have, I just feel awkward and wonder if everyone else is having a Spiritual Awakening while I worry about keeping my eyes closed for the right length of time.
Yes Lauren exactly how I feel about the ending of a yoga class!
Oh I didn’t realize it was a translation! I don’t mind a simple Namaste and knowing that makes it less strange. So thank you I’ll feel less awkward if I ever venture back there.
Aaaaaa!Aaaaaaa! AAAAAAAAAA!
If there are rackets or other durable sporting equipment involved in these lessons you might want to hold onto one or two of those the next time he comes around. In the first place, your hands will already be full, and in the second, these hard, sturdy objects might come in handy should this creep feel the need for a repeat performance. Ick.
This was awesome. “I tried to imagine transitioning from this activity to one in which I was walking away toward my car, and couldn’t picture how that would go.”
O!M!G! Freaky. I would be sweating, nervous and red faced by the end of that. Please don’t talk to me, and definitely no touching! Strange man.
What. The. Actual. Eff. I hope the lessons are incredible bc I would have a hard time ever seeing that guy again. That is sort of funny but also SO WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE I’d worry a little what goes on when you’re not there. God, that was…I don’t even know, that was awful.
You need to do a “What would you have said?” contest. Me? I would have said “I feel certifiable CRAZY from your hand.”
I adore this comment!
That is beyond creepy and I wouldn’t want my kids taking lessons from someone who could make them feel uncomfortable too. I’ve encountered some similar people in my life, and I’ve ended the relationship. I don’t like it when people presume to know me or violate my personal space. This story made me beyond uncomfortable for you!
Can’t get over the hypotheses your kids are being taught swimming by post motorcycle accident Gary Busey.
I have to say, that this is the kind of post that while funny made me look to the end to make sure you weren’t assaulted or something. Even the retelling was stressful.
Seriously, that is completely inappropriate. It sounds like you handled it in a far more dignified way than I would have been able to manage! Others have asked this too, but what on earth kind of lessons is he supposed to be teaching?
I came up with a way to answer without creating search terms (I hope): trops semaG regnuH.
So is it like survival training? Or more like running and yrehcra and what not? (If these are search terms you’d rather not have here, feel free to delete.)
Just the yrehcra.
Interesting! Sounds like a fun activity….if there was a less crazy teacher.
We used to play this game when I was a kid, where we held our hands like you describe and then the person on the bottom attempted to slap the top person’s hands, before they pulled away.
BTW, I hated that game. But I can see myself in that situation losing it and slapping.
I didn’t laugh while reading this – it was like watching a scene out of one of those movies like Meet the Fockers or whatever where you are so horrified you can’t laugh. Some people find those movies funny, but I just find them horribly uncomfortable. I would seriously talk to your kids about how he crossed boundaries, and how it wasn’t ok, and how he shouldn’t cross their boundaries, what boundaries they have that are ok to enforce, etc. I also don’t think we’d be going back.
Yes! Those sorts of movies just make me really uncomfortable. I know other people find then funny, but I just avoid them because watching them isn’t pleasant for me.
Yes! Same. I didn’t laugh either. I just felt more & more nervous/shaken on Swistle’s behalf. What a creep!
Me too! I think i was kind of holding my breath as i read it, while recoiling in horror. I got to the end and let out a nervous laugh, but DUDE! WHAT? THE? HECK?
Extreme discomfort on your behalf! Yikes. And – full agreement on the group participation thing. I do not participate. I just don’t. Give me a big ‘ole lecture every day, but please … just let me sit there & listen.
Weirdness!
Thank goodness these lessons are only for a week. I felt so uncomfortable for you just reading about it. Also, people like that are why I don’t do yoga. You never know when your perfectly normal instructor will call in sick and be replaced by a crazy person telling you to inhale other people’s energy.
And I still haven’t figured out how any of that relates to coordination.
Sorry you went through such a weird and uncomfortable experience!
Have you ever read the Gift of Fear by De Becker? Carolyn Hax, the advice columnist for the Washington Post always recommends it to people, like yourself, who are unsure about their skeeved out feelings. I haven’t read it but I’m under the impression that it teaches you to listen to those feelings because they’re often dead on.
I second this! That book was hard to read, because it made me feel paranoid, but it also taught me to trust my senses and cut off potentially unpleasant/dangerous people and interactions early. Swistle, are you going to pull the kids from his class? I know it sounds kind of like an overreaction, but that’s what I would do– no question about it. Especially since the instruction involves sharp objects. He doesn’t sound like a good listener or someone who is at all in tune with his students. He’s just on a whack job new age power trip. Yuck!
No: there’s only one more day of the class.
Whew!
Yes, I’ve read it! I didn’t get fear/danger feelings from this guy, though. He seemed self-important, oblivious, presumptuous, and full of himself, and I was frozen by discomfort and a sort of horrified empathy (“He feels so sure of himself and he’s SO WRONG!!”), but he didn’t seem dangerous.
I also cry-laughed at this. My favorite was your imagined response about the box of energy called Personal Space.
I think about halfway through I would have said “so YOU don’t know what coordination is either?” because seriously HE WAS NOT DEMONSTRATING COORDINATION.
Poor Swistle. I want to give you delicious coffee beverages and internet hugs.
“And so I don’t say it, and later I worry that this means I am someone who would go along with Terrible Things just because I wouldn’t want to say anything.” YES, THIS.
What is it about us women that we are more determined not to make a scene than we are to call someone out on their behavior and tell them to get out of our space? I just has this conversation yesterday with some friends about how we are taught to be nice and be quiet and don’t cause a stir. And so we let people be inappropriate with us. Gah. I have a stomach ache from reading this because I would have done the same thing, and then wished I had done something different.
I love this and you, Swistle. I even read this aloud to my husband. :)
I also think it’s ok to just write this off as “eccentric-pushy-old-dude” + your-least-favorite-things=good blog post, and not anything more serious.
agree with Jenny J and I’m not sure why I’ve felt the need to comment THREE times. :)
What a honking wanker. Yeesh. I’d be fuming about this for weeks.
Okay, I fully acknowledge that what I am about to say is totally colored by my job, which regularly deals with people who abuse other people in terrible ways. I don’t like his behavior. He has major boundary issues. I would have a good talk with the kids about boundaries and make sure there were no other incidents.
That being said, your retelling? Classic. I totally felt frozen reading it.
I laughed out loud, multiple times while reading this. I laughed LOUDLY in a public place becuse I just couldn’t help it. I think part of it had to be have been relief that it wasn’t me that happened to!
How much do I love that none of your commenters are writing this off as ‘oh, he didn’t realize he was being weird’? So Much.
Oh Swistle, no one can so perfectly capture the horror of an awkward social moment like you can. I cried tears of laughter and squirmed with sympathy. Hope tomorrow’s pickup is much less traumatic (but if not, tell us everything!!).
Yes. What Lynn said.
This comment “dear God, I will pay you one million dollars to make this stop happening, seriously I will write you a post-dated check right now” so perfectly encapsulates my feelings in these kinds of situations that I will think only of this phrase when confronted with similar social discomfort from now on. Brilliant.
When I read about situations like this I always hope that in a similar situation myself I’d speak up or make my escape, but I’m sure in reality I’d have the same feelings of panic and not knowing what to say or do. Maybe there should be classes where you can practice dealing with odd or unpleasant social interactions.
I was with you right up until the part where he clapped his hand onto your shoulder…at that point my reaction would have probably been to flinch so violently that I would have inadvertently knocked him down…which likely would have corrected his misconceptions. It’s possible I might have thrown up on him a little bit, too. (And in my head I would have been shouting “NO TOUCHING! NO TOUCHING!” while spraying him with spittle.)
What the actual heck, indeed!
I realized while reading through that what he had done to maximize your cooperation. He’d primed the counter objection or however you’d say it.
Once he had made the judgement statement about you, implying a negative about your likely reaction, you’d be more likely to NOT pull away to refute his implied negative judgement. Because then the negative judgement would be true – wah! But all he’s done is framed good boundaries as negative.
So brainstorming for myself how to get out from under that control tactic, I’m thinking it might have been effective to cheerful claim the judgement as accurate. “You’re right. I HATE letting people into my space.” *smile* Gawd, I hate this kind of control manipulation. Assholes, every one who works this game. Sorry for the swearing, but it’s true.
I notice he also made it so that if he was wrong it was only because something was wrong with me. That is, he WAS sending calming energy: if I said no, I didn’t feel it, then it was because something was wrong with me, not because he was wrong that his hand could transmit calming energy. It reminds me of a Dilbert cartoon where the pointy-haired boss is trying to send his orders by telepathy; when his employees don’t hear his orders, he says “Well, I’M sending, so if you’re not receiving the problem must be on your end.”
I am so uncomfortable on your behalf! (And sort of on his behalf, because how can he have NO IDEA how he comes across to others?!?!)
Ack! I would have wanted to say, “I’m leaving now,” and walked away… but I would have probably been frozen to the spot. I think this will become a family story for sure.
I would love to read one of the children’s account of this.
Totally creeped out and want to second Grace’s comments. Did this reach the level where you want to have the “appropriate touch” talk with the kids?
That man is CRAZY! Thankfully, it sounds like from your comments that he’s crazy in that for today’s pick up you will have full hands and be in a big rush, sorry no time to talk kind of way and not a danger to others kind of way.
I read this whole thing with my hand over my mouth. We should send that guy into the Glamour Shots Hard Sell Room and see which sociopath prevails!
Good God! I think I need a xanax after reading that! I find myself in awkward situations like that too because, for example, I’m too nice to say “no, I would rather you not put your hands over my head and pray for the healing of my sore elbow.” But this takes the cake!
Haa, yes. I told the children the experience was a LOT like encountering people who want to pray via laying on of hands, and/or want to earnestly inquire about my relationship with their deity. TOO PERSONAL/AWKWARD, with them feeling like they’re doing nothing but Genuine Good!
Ummm….I’m getting a creeptastic feeling from this guy. Please do tell the folks running this gig that he is inappropriate and that you don’t want him unsupervised around the kids.
And for a script: “What you are doing is inappropriate. Please stop touching me. You are making me nervous and I am seriously considering whether or not to pull my kids from this class based solely on this interaction.”
Which you can still say next time you see him. “Your behaviour the last time we saw each other was inappropriate. Do not touch me again. I am seriously considering whether or not to pull my kids from this class based solely on that interaction.”
Holy crap! I’m not sure I’d be able to face him again.
This was such a good piece of writing and reminded me of a Mom version of a David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs essay. So funny but also gives insight into how crazy people can be sometimes. Start the book soon ;)!
I can’t read all the comments, because 83 COMMENTS (and I need to put dinner on the table instead of on the stove, which is just too far away for my children to understand that it is the dinner they are to eat), but please dear lady, know that you have given me such a good laugh and have made me feel like I’m not the only one who has experienced such an uncomfortable event. I am so glad/happy/thrilled/relieved to not be the only one who detests audience/parental participation. I once screamed “NO!” to the dentist when she wanted to demonstrate with me what she was going to do to my son. Yup, that went well.
My husband and I have now taken two intro classes to the trops this guy teaches and both times all the instructors were pretty major weirdos. Just in a socially awkward way, not a dangerous way. And I feel as a socially awkward person myself I’m a good judge of that. And they were awkward specifically in a personal space capacity I think because they spend so much time standing close to people’s elbows and touching and readjusting their arms, hands, even hips and how they’re standing. There was a lot of awkward touching. So that plus self-aggrandizement seems like a bad combo to me.
EW! WHAT A FREAK!!!!! We had a piano teacher who was a little like that, but without any touching. Dropped names/info/things I didn’t know and waited for a response from me while staring at me. Over and OVER. Ugh. I can’t imagine if he had been touching me too. Yuck.