I am having a crummy couple of days, and because it is a very specific and familiar type of crummy, characterized by very specific and familiar crummy feelings, I’ve started making little marks on my desk calendar whenever this mood appears, to see if I can find anything shall we say CYCLICAL about it. Characteristic feelings of this type of mood include:
1. Everything Is Terrible.
2. Yes, I remember feeling at one point that NOT everything was terrible, but that was because I was deluded/distracted/overcomfortable. “Everything Is Terrible” is really the only TRUE way to view the world.
3. I am a bad person in both of two conflicting ways. For example, I am too hard on the kids AND too easy on them. Also, I think too much and not enough about other people. Also, I am an over-spender and a tightwad.
4. Everything I think of as a good part of my character is actually the mask over a bad part: i.e., I donate money to charity because I like to think of myself as a generous person when actually I’m a selfish one. I return stray carts to the corral because I like to feel superior to other people, not because I’m trying to be considerate and helpful.
5. Every Decision I Make Is Wrong.
But so far, the calendar isn’t showing any hormonal patterns. What I see instead is stress patterns: this week I have a dentist appointment and they always make alarming remarks about my gums, and William has an orthodontist appointment and they always speak firmly to me about how he should be improving, and I have to get Elizabeth ready for a week of sleep-away Girl Scout camp, and Rob is having his first lesson on a new instrument with a teacher who is coming to our house, and I have to take all five kids with me on the already-stressful trip to the nearby big city for Edward to get his Crohn’s check-up. Also included are several stressful scheduling issues: we’ll get back from one thing and have about fifteen minutes for lunch and leaving for the next thing; or I’ll be at my appointment when a child needs to be delivered somewhere, so I’ll have to drop him off there half an hour early; or, in the case of the city trip, I have NO IDEA if we’ll get back in time for a scheduled afternoon activity.
Also, our washing machine broke, and it was supposed to take two weeks for the replacement to arrive, but now it’s going to be three. So we’re very very very lucky to live in a time and place where washing machines are readily available, and very very very lucky that when ours broke we could pay for a new one—but laundry was already backed up a week when the machine broke (it had been acting wonky so I was doing only the most crucial things), and now instead of being one week into a two-week wait, I’m one week into a THREE-week wait. Other people get along without washing machines ALL THE TIME and ALL OVER THE WORLD—but they have established systems for doing so. Establishing a system is one of my least favorite things.
meeee toooooo crummy crummy mood everything is terrible the end.
This might make you grin: I read “I return stray carts to the corral” as CATS instead of carts. I sat for a few seconds wondering what this magical cat corral Swistle knows of might actually be!
I did too!
So did I!
Ha ha! I love this. A stray cat corral.
Mental picture here of a bunch of cats wearing cowboy boots and hats, trying to lasso a bunch of stray dogs…
What if you try and make a stressful situation more fun. What if for the trip to the city for Edward’s apt – you plan something fun either before or after – even if it is going to a coffee shop and everyone gets to get a treat. Then you just let the scheduled afternoon apt go. You can’t do everything.
I have similar crummy moods but have not charted them. I wonder what triggers mine. I think charting is a good idea. I hope yours lifts soon!
I am much the same – stress and scheduling makes everything terrible and awful doom and gloom. I’m worthless, nothing will ever go right again, and I don’t deserve good things anyway. I’m sorry that happens to you, too.
I hope the feelings and the stressful situations pass as quickly as possible.
I think home repair (or replacement) situations where you have to wait for a service person/appointment are The Very Worst. So sorry you have a long wait for that!
I have these feelings too. The same sorts of things stress me out so much — phone calls, appointments, scheduling, scheduling conflicts, logistics, and so on. I feel like my life is an ongoing barrage of all of these things, along with work and parenting and everything else, so the stress never fully subsides. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by it and become snappish and have an existential crisis much like what you describe. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
Yes. This. Going through stressful things is like putting on a pair of goggles with magnifying glasses for lenses, and all the normal bits and pieces of life take on the appearance of giants. And suddenly washing the dishes seems insurmountable and the options – feeling stressed/bad/grouchy about washing the dishes OR not doing the dishes – leave you feeling like you are a terrible failure at life.
LOVELY.
Lawyerish, when I start feeling this way I actually think of a past blog post of yours. You talked about the path not taken, living the life of your dreams, and so forth and you ended the post with “Pssstt. You’re doing it right.” Somehow, thinking of that always makes things seem a little less serious and I find my lips breaking into a little grin.
I’m always in a crummy mood. And I know it’s my anxiety when things get too stressful. It’s a protective mechanism, I think to protect myself from feeling the vulnerabilities and admitting what is really making me worry.
The conflicting feeling a you’re having remind me a lot of feelings I had, like I didn’t feel like a good person. I read this book from target:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/gifts-of-imperfection-bren-brown/1100265967?ean=9781592858491
And found out the bad feelings were because I was leading an inauthentic life. Striving to be perfect.
If you’re interested you can read my discoveries about my anxiety and mods here:
http://unruffledlanie.blogspot.com/2014/01/confessions.html?m=0
Ps, I love that you charted your moods and made the stress discovery. I love data. :) I think our personalities are similar.
take some of the kids with you to the laundrmat. make it a game and get it all done at once. sometimes when the laundry mountain is overwhelming, this can be a great sense of accomplishment.
Oh, the washing machine! That and the fridge are tied as the worst household appliance to break, in my opinion. Our washing machine broke literally 2 days after we brought the new baby home from the hospital last October. You can bet that we went to Lowe’s and bought a replacement within the first week.
You have my sympathies on your 3 week wait. That sounds like an eternity to me!
Swistle – this is an intersting post. First because of the Stray Cat Corral. This is one of my new favorite thoughts. We used to live in a neighborhood that needed a stray cat corral. Stray Cats constantly left “droppings” in our mulch and the outside of our house smelled like a public bathroom. On a *positive* note, we live in a new neighborhood and have only seen 1 cat in 6 months (and I don’t think it was a stray).
Second, I have days like yours sometimes. The only thing that makes me feel better (and sometimes really the ONLY thing) on a day like that is to exercise. and I am not an exercise fiend. but i used to try to eat a special treat or snack on those days to make myself better and in the end, i ended up larger and less happy. I’m trying to use exercise instead. With that said, i need to stop typing so i can look at how few fitbit steps i have today and ponder when i can go upstairs and grab that piece of chocolate off of my coworker’s desk.
I’m in a serious “Everything is Terrible” mood. *sigh*
Aieeee, I would be growling and hissing if faced with all of these stressors at once (or well, even just one, probably). Way to go for figuring it out, though. Wish I could help somehow.
Wow, yeah. That made me feel stressed just reading about all that.
I really like the charting idea – I’m going to have to try that out. I’ve finally gotten a handle on the PMS-induced moods (which took long enough), but I’m intrigued to see if the other Awful For No (discernible) Reason moods actually have an identifiable cause. Even if it’s stuff I can’t shift, it’s helpful to *know* that it’s happening, nonetheless. I hope that the stress passes soon, and that treats/indulgences/other coping mechanisms are up to the task in the meanwhile.
And I wish you strength WRT Laundry Mountain. While it’s true that you can get everything done in one big, simultaneous go at a laundromat, the schlepping everything over and back is just a massive pain (and I say that as someone *without* kids). I miss the laundromat with a coffee bar inside it – getting a treat while waiting definitely made the process less awful.
“I am too hard on the kids AND too easy on them.”
This is the story of my crummy moods. So frustrating to feel you are too strict and too lenient.
I really appreciate how you’ve articulated these feelings, like the conflicting parenting feelings of Too Hard/Too Easy. YES YES YES exactly!
Such a wonderful, relatable post today. I almost cried with feelings of “YEESS! Me TOO!” It’s the worst when you’re feeling that way and can’t chalk it up to hormones- then you have to evaluate your life and wonder, “IS everything, in fact, terrible!? Crap!”
I have an actual page in my journal documenting how my current shade of nail polish makes me feel, but your way might make more sense.
We are having our laundry room turned into a laundry room/bathroom and so much rejoicing will be done when it is done! In the meantime, I can’t do laundry at home. My old system was one load every single morning, two on certain days as needed. I felt VERY grumpy about not having at home laundry for a week before I became even grumpier about my lack of clothing. (by which I mean underwear. Turns out I own 5 pairs that I enjoy wearing and the rest have been in the back of the drawer for good reason)
But as it turns out, I live only 1.5 miles from the laundromat and due to their super efficient machines, a load takes under 90 minutes and its near shopping I need to do anyway and I almost always buy myself a treat and there’s a sense of community there like we are all working on this together but the best part is people keep to themselves! I’m only going twice a week and I’m skipping towels and sheets with the rationalization that I went 3-4 months between sheet washing in college, so sure a few weeks won’t cause any trouble.
I have thought about taking one of my older children with me for some quality one on one time of reading books in the same room, but the weather has been too good and also sometimes I don’t go until very late. (My laundromat is open until midnight!)
The best part of doing laundry at a laundromat? Every single minute counts as active work, whereas at home I don’t count the time the machines are running as me working unless I am working.
I have been so crabby and so ragey lately and then I realized I have night weaned the baby. Half-weaning hormones. Maybe I’ll just nurse forever, full-weaning hormones will be ridiculous. Remembering your posts on this subject help make me feel less insane.
I feel like I’ve been in a mood (mine is more angry – SO ANGRY!), off and on, since having children. If I charted this mood, I would also have to put an x on the days where I was alone with children most of the day, and there would probably be a near-perfect correlation.
Seriously, though, I think stress is a major factor for me and always has been. Even before having kids, I remember realizing one week that I had all these work deadlines and my grandma had only died a few weeks before, and so on and so forth and no wonder I was feeling horrible all the time. Things were first-world horrible! The worst part, though, is how it sneaks up on you, because it’s just the everydayness of life, and we think we should be used to that by now. But it’s actually fairly rare that everything is going smoothly all at once, and little bumps add up. If you imagine them as speedbumps, no matter how small, if there are dozens in a row, that ride is going to feel like crap.
Yep I read stray cats too. I was confused as to what corral for cats was. I just kept reading and figured it was something unique to the city or state where Swistle lives.
well I have to say I’m really happy to hear someone else say “I am a bad person in both of two conflicting ways.” I often feel this way—for a fleeting moment I’ll think wow my kids don’t know how lucky they are and immediately think of all the reasons they are NOT lucky like I’m horrible, they don’t have nice clean pinterest bedrooms, they never have good shoes and I make them pack their own lunches.
Never mind that they often push me beyond the nice strong flexible mom that I am to a frazzled cranky mom, they wear their shoes to death, never clean up after themselves, and won’t eat the lunches I pack even under threat of having the same thing again the next day