Awhile ago I read a book that made me want to try a liquor called Tyrconnell. The book is Traveling Sprinkler by Nicholson Baker, and the narrator’s girlfriend describes how each sip of the drink tastes. I should be doing a block quote for the description, but I jotted down the sip descriptions at the library without thinking of that, so none of this is my wording and yet it’s not an exact quote either. That is, the descriptions are exactly quoted (including punctuation), but there was material in between: it wasn’t just a list like I’ve done it. Let’s block-quote it anyway, to make it clear it’s not mine:
First sip: primeval forest
Second sip: slate patio
Third sip: patio furniture with slippery steps down to the garden
Fourth sip: meat, meat with heavy, dark green vegetable matter on an earthenware plate
Fifth sip: swallowing the platter
Sixth sip: recovery, bisque-colored envelopes
Well. You can see why I had to investigate further. This is like that Willy Wonka three-course-dinner gum. Except with things we don’t eat. (Except the meat and vegetable matter.)
I looked tentatively at our liquor store, but didn’t see the Tyrconnell. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure what section to look in or what the bottle looked like, and that made me unsure my search could be called thorough. I knew it was a whiskey, but whiskey is confusing to me (it was only recently I learned that scotch and bourbon and rye are also whiskey, and that whisky and whiskey can be different; plus there’s all this stuff about how many malts and what kind of cask), and there are several sections for it. And I couldn’t remember/pronounce the name, but I kept going to the liquor store without writing it down, and I was too embarrassed to ask if they had it. “It starts with a T and I think it ends in an -ell, and it tastes like slate patios?”
Finally I remembered to write it down, and then I did find it. It’s a single-malt Irish whiskey. It comes in a lovely, lovely cylinder-shaped box:
(photo from tyrconnellwhiskey.com)
The box made me REALLY WANT to love the liquor itself, so that I could make it my Signature Drink and always have one of those boxes around. Very successful packaging. I have to think of something to use the empty box for, when it’s empty.
This is not a CHEAP liquor, I will warn you. I found it on a good sale, but STILL. Definitely most of the cost had to be chalked up to a concept I learned from my mom, which is Experiment/Experience Cost. That is, if you want to try something, and it costs money, and the only reasonable way to find out if you like it is to buy it, and you pay the money and don’t like the thing, the money isn’t WASTED: it’s not so much the cost of the THING as the cost of INVESTIGATION. Generally my mom and I apply this concept as a comfort, after something has been purchased but has failed to please; however, it can also be applied ahead of time, for emboldening purposes. (I have also found it helpful to “split up” the cost by letting other people try it if possible, or to make a blog post out of it ahem.)
Here’s how Tyrconnell describes their own product:
(screenshot from tyrconnellwhiskey.com)
No mention of patios, envelopes, or platters, but this sounds interesting too. Honey hanging from the nose! Oily sweetness!
So. Here I am; it is Friday night; I have a glass of Tyrconnell before me. The smell of it is….discouraging. The color is indeed golden yellow, as described. I am going to take a sip. Here we go.
First sip. Predicted to be: “primeval forest.” Actual taste: ACK WHAT DID I PUT INTO MY MOUTH, THIS IS NOT TO EAT. Oh, okay, that’s better now. Pleasant warmth in the throat. No taste of trees, fruit, citrus, honey, spice, or oily sweetness. Just whiskey.
Second sip. Predicted to be: “slate patio.” Actual taste: *shudder* That was even worse than the first sip. But I think I detected a little honey flavor that time. A repeat of the pleasant throat-warmth. No slate. No patio.
Third sip. Predicted to be: “patio furniture with slippery steps down to the garden.” Actual taste: Do I have to? Okay, fine. Boy, that is a WHISKEY taste, huh? There was a slight sweetness as I took the sip, and I guess now that someone mentions it I do think it was a little oily, though I think if I were the marketer I would have selected a different word. Throat now has a pleasant slight tingly sensation in addition to the warmth. Nose also feeling slightly tingly; perhaps that is the feeling of honey hanging from it? No furniture. No steps, though perhaps “slippery” can go with the “oily.” No garden.
Fourth sip. Predicted to be: “meat, meat with heavy, dark green vegetable matter on an earthenware plate.” Actual taste: Okay, I don’t much mind taking another! Same as before: some detectable sweetness, and I’d be willing to go with “honey” on that. No citrus or spices or fruit. No meat. No spinach. No earthenware plate.
Fifth sip. Predicted to be: “swallowing the platter.” (This makes me wonder if Sip Four was supposed to be food on an earthenware platter instead of plate. It’s possible I have inadvertently slightly misquoted.) Actual taste: Whiskey. Just basically whiskey. Warmth in throat; no sensation of platter-swallowing. Mouth is starting to feel a little numb in addition to feeling kind of icky and bitter. I would not want to breathe near anyone right now, nor would I want to breathe near an open flame.
Sixth sip. Predicted to be: “recovery, bisque-colored envelopes.” I assume this means it tastes like recovery AND bisque-colored envelopes. Actual taste: Oh, cool, I accidentally poured exactly six sips! Of whiskey. It tastes like whiskey. For me, recovery tastes less like whiskey and more like chicken caeser salad wraps and waffles and chocolate chip cookies, or else chicken noodle soup and saltines and tea, depending on what I’m recovering from. No flavor of bisque-colored envelopes, though my fingers are getting tingly if that’s the same thing. I looked up bisque to see what color it might be, and apparently it’s the color I’d call manilla.
Seventh sip. Oh, no thank you! I’m good! Let’s instead figure out what to use the pretty cylindrical box for.
I cannot do whiskey or any of the brown liquors as I call them (rye, scotch, bourbon, etc). The smell alone makes me shudder and gag. I know some people really dig it, but I just can’t. Bleh.
I enjoyed this SO SO MUCH. I even read it aloud to my husband. Several years ago I was convinced by my husband to try Talisker, which he said was a popular, good Scottish whisky. I shall summarize my tasting experience here. First sip = like drinking the contents of an ashtray. I have never, before or since, wanted to spit something out so badly. There was no second sip.
As it turns out, I discovered while we were on sabbatical in Scotland last year that I do like some whisky. I learned that there are regions in Scotland that produce it and only one of those regions makes the ashtray variety. The others produce non-smokey varieties and some of them are almost pleasant! My favourites that we brought home with us are:
1) Glengoyne (Scottish Highland Single Malt; bottle says “Lemon zest, toffee apples & a scent of coconut”)
2) Glen Garioch 1797 Founder’s Reserve (Scottish Highland Single Malt; bottle says “characterized with sweet vanilla, butterscotch and fresh green fruits, sweet buttercream and citrus cleanliness results in a fresh, gentle finish. Honey sweetness, hints of heather and just a touch of spice.”)
Maybe your preferences are similar to mine? If you feel like trying again & buying an expensive experience. :)
I’m going to try one (or both) of these. Thank you!
Love this! Whiskey is my drink of choice, and I love almost all kinds, but people who wax poetic about alllll the flavors and nuances of liquors irritate the bejeezus out of me. The whiskey does not taste like slate patios and platters of meat. It tastes like whiskey. I’ll accept smoky or earthy or sweet or buttery, when we accept that those are but slight modifiers suggesting how this whiskey flavor differs subtly from other whiskey flavors, but no primeval forests, please. (I admit I have declared that a peaty Scotch tasted like bog bodies, but come on! Peat.)
Try having some mixed with club soda. Often this smooths the flavor out enough that you can really enjoy it. Sometimes it can even taste like pop. Also, try diluting it with water. No shame. It’s a rare whiskey that can be taken straight.
Now, I’ve never tried whiskey (or whisky), but that sounds a lot like my reaction to chloraseptic spray, which also supposedly tastes like honey and citrus.
Swistle, you are too funny! What a great post.
Love this!
I only like whiskey (usually bourbon or rye) in cocktails. I don’t have the taste for it straight, but make me a Manhattan or an old-fashioned or a mint julep and I’m right there, paying close attention.
This was so good, I read it twice, and laughed even harder the second time. Maybe you could make Swistle Sips a regular feature? It could be rotated with the See’s Candy reviews which I LOVE.
This makes me want to buy a bottle of EVERYTHING and send them to you with the request that you write a “Swistle Sips ” post for each one! Hilarious!! :D
When my father and his siblings were cleaning out my grandparent’s house before my grandfather’s funeral they found a 20 year old bottle of Irish Whiskey that we all had little tiny shots of at the post-funeral lunch. I was happy to toast my grandfather but will likely be avoiding whiskey in the future. It tasted like something that had been sitting in the attic for 20 years.
I would completely fund a “Swistle’s Sips” column. What a brilliant idea above!
What are you going to do with the rest of the bottle?
Hysterical. I applaud you for trying it – and taking 6 whole sips! I don’t think I’d have gotten that far. The only whiskey I’ll drink is Bourbon, with a generous proportion of Ginger Ale mixed in. THAT’s a very fine drink that won’t even cause you a hangover. But straight Irish or Scotch? Barf. No.
Oh, yes! Gin, lime and ginger beer is a Foghorn, one of my favorite drinks. But I like really spicy ginger beer instead of ginger ale in it, the kind that makes your throat and mouth warm. Use rum instead of gin and it’s a Dark and Stormy. And bourbon instead of rum and it’s a Kentucky Mule. Fabulous stuff.
Allow me to add my voice to the chorus requesting a Swistle Sips column. This is absolutely hilarious. “No slate. No patio.” Hahahahaha!
I just don’t like any of them – my husband has me try on a regular basis but ick. They are okay in cocktails but NOT Manhattans. Or maybe I just got a club manhattan by mistake. I’ll take my gin and wines, thankyouverymuch.
I love this! I have wanted to try different whisky or whiskey or whatever they are but I don’t want to buy a whole bottle of it and then hate it. So thank you for trying it for me and also for the idea of Experience Cost. My sister has always said that from time to time we all have to pay a Stupid Tax (basically things like getting a speeding ticket, losing important documentation and having to pay for replacement, anything you end up paying for when you should have known better) and Experience Cost seems like a sibling to that. I always think Sunk Cost because I’m an accountant but I like the way Experience Cost sounds better.
HA! Hahahaha! My husband is a HUGE Scotch drinker and I can’t even stand the smell of it, let alone the taste. It was the one thing I couldn’t take when I was pregnant (the smell, I wasn’t drinking it) I couldn’t even be in the room after he poured it because I could smell it everywhere and it is disgusting.
I am very impressed that you made it through that many sips. FOR SCIENCE. Or something.
And as far as the cost, just think that now you can offer it to guests or maybe take it to your meetup group in lieu of a bottle of wine. Can you imagine?
I LOVE Scotch. And Whiskey. But there are degrees, kind of like chocolate. I go for the sweeter, milder stuff. Glenmorangie original is the best selling scotch in Scotland and they know their stuff. But this made me want to try Talisker and I usually don’t cross the Irish Sea to get my drink on. Lovely post.
This post reads is like Vintage Swistle with just a hint of chocolate chip cookies.
I love this. And whiskey. I might have to go find that. Mostly though I love that you followed through.
I consulted my whiskey expert (uh, the Outlander books by Diana Gabaldon), and Roger says that adding just a bit of water “opens the flavor” of the whiskey. So maybe try again? And read Outlander.
I enjoyed your descriptions very much, although I go nowhere near liquor or any softer stuff either. I’ll just have to bask in your, um, evocative prose. :)
I *love* the idea of the Experience Cost. I’ll add that and the Stupid Tax onto my list of mental deductions. Heehee. Very applicable!