I am going to make it through this summer more cheerfully than last summer, and I’m going to tell you how I plan to do it.
Firstly and most importantly, I’m going into this with the memory of last summer. And one of the worst things about last summer was that I went into it thinking it was going to be GOOD: I’d signed the youngest and most difficult child up for all-day camp, and signed the others up for lots of other fun stuff, and I thought it was going to be GOOD and FUN. And then it was just crazy-awful, and I spent so much of the day in a hot car driving children to/from activities, and every morning I had to write out a minute-by-minute schedule just to remember everything and/or figure out how it was going to work, and I hated my whole life and everyone in it. THIS summer I’m going into it with that dread, which means it is BOUND to feel like it’s going very well indeed.
And the kids ARE older every year, and it helps to look at it from that perspective. I was remembering the summers where I had to use a double stroller for the twins. Urrrrrrrrrrrg. Or what about the summer where I had to use the double stroller for one twin plus Henry, and hold the hand of a walking toddler? URRRRRRRRRRG. And I had to bring DIAPERS with me everywhere! And couldn’t supervise them all in the water because so many of them couldn’t swim! No, it is much much better now, and we can do actual fun things, and they can all get into their own swimsuits and put on their own seatbelts, and there are no swim diapers, and they can get themselves to and from the pool bathroom, and none of them eat sand or run out into parking lots, and really it is all much better.
Another of the Worst Parts of last summer was that I kept trying to write posts and I’d get SO FRUSTRATED with the kids. It reminded me of housecleaning, where cleaning the house and/or trying to keep it clean makes me dislike my children. But while keeping the house clean is toward the bottom of my priority list so I don’t mind dropping it for The Greater Good, writing posts is near the TOP of my priority list and I don’t WANT to drop it—and yet it’s hard to do any post-writing with distractions, and it’s not fair to the kids to keep hollering at them to be QUIET, so how to DO it?
What I’m trying is this. I get up at my usual school-day time, which is 5:10. (This also keeps me on the same sleep schedule as Paul, since he still has to get up every day for work.) After I’ve showered and dressed, I make a cup of tea (have I mentioned coffee is giving me a very unpleasant mood recently? it is extremely sad and annoying), I go to the computer, and I WRITE POSTS. I don’t check email, even though it beckons me; I don’t check Facebook or my saved searches on eBay or the daily Children’s Place one-day-only sale—those are things I can manage with the children roiling around me, so I save those for later. I JUST write posts. When the first child gets up, I stop—and part of the reason I don’t mind stopping is that I think “Oh, good: once I help him with his breakfast I get to check email!” So far this has been terrific: I usually have a quiet house for about an hour, which is enough to get quite a bit done. (This would also work if my priority were housecleaning, or exercising, or reading, or gardening, or crafts, or sewing, or studying for a class, or playing Sims, or watching Sports Night—anything that has a version quiet enough not to wake the children.)
ALSO, after lunch, on days where we’re not doing something else right after lunch, I have all five kids go to separate areas of the house (separate from me and separate from each other) for an hour of Quiet. During that time, I’ve been working on my Big Tedious-but-Satisfying Project, which is going through every single one of the posts from before I switched to WordPress and changing all the links and photos so they live on THIS site instead of on the OLD site. We’ve only tried this hour of quiet a few times so far, but it seems to work well for the kids, too: they don’t think they like it, but they seem refreshed and calm when it’s over. I might reduce it from an hour to 45 minutes: half an hour was too short, but right at the 45/50-minute mark is when they start popping out saying they just need to go to the bathroom, or asking how many minutes are left.
Another thing we did was have a Summer Household Meeting on the first day of vacation, where I told the kids that all this was going to happen, and how I expected it to cut down on the hollering. I also had them tell me all the things they wanted to do this summer, and we made a list. That yielded some interesting things, such as that Edward doesn’t want to go to the pool more than once or twice a week, and that Rob is still interested in a visit to one of those places with giant inflated structures to play on. Also, all of us think of ice cream and popsicles as a priority.
I find it very motivating to write things down and to make a lasting record of my righteousness, so I wrote that list in a notebook I took from the pile of notebooks I can’t resist when I find them on clearance and then am so pleased to have for just this sort of need, and then I skipped a page and started a record of each day. It is very pleasing to me to see the little list of all the summery things we did on a particular day:
June 25, 2014
——————–
Tennis lessons – Rob and Edward
Playground during lessons – William and Elizabeth and Henry
Pool – all
Ice cream cones at home – all
I include anything that feels summery or that we did because it was summer, even things like “BLTs for lunch.” It makes me think things such as “What summery things will we do today?” instead of “How will we get through this relentless summer?”
I’m also using the notebook to write down ideas for managing summer, such as the one about writing in the morning.
Because all these things are in one notebook, and because I’m opening the notebook every day to record what an active and involved and long-suffering mother I am being, I find it helps keep me focused on what I WANT for the summer, which is for it to be Good and Fun rather than A Torment. As I flip past the list the kids made, I glance at it and I think “I wonder how many of these we can get to?,” which is a motivating way to think. As I flip past the days I’ve already filled out, I think, “Oh, yes, ice cream cones! We should do that again soon! And maybe we can go to that ice cream place.”
Another thing I did was to break the summer down into pieces, using various cutting methods. This is what I did to help manage the miseries of pregnancy, too: sometimes it feels better to think of it in trimester-long chunks; sometimes it feels better to think of months (with subcategories for “calendar months” and “months that start/end on the same day of the month as the due date”); sometimes it feels better to think of weeks; sometimes it feels better to think of it in sets of ten weeks; sometimes it helps to cross off each day; and so on. I figured out that summer vacation is 47 days this year: that’s just the weekdays when I’m home with the kids, not the weekends which will be pretty much the same as during the school year. I also figured out that it’s 9.5 weeks. And our town’s recreation department does most of their lessons in 2-week sessions, so summer is also four 2-week sessions plus a 1.5-week time of no lessons available.
This helps to focus my planning, too. If I want to take them on an outing that’s going to take all day, I can first look at the 2-week chunks to see if any of them are ruled out because of, say, a 1:00 tennis lesson. Then as we approach one of the weeks that doesn’t have any mid-day plans, I can start looking at the week’s weather.
Also, each day when I write down what we did that day, I include which Day it is: Day 3, Day 5, etc. Right now that’s a little depressing, but it changes my mindset so I think of the days as A Limited Number of Opportunities to Do Fun Stuff, as well as letting me see that they ARE passing by.
One mistake I made last year was to sign up for a lot of stuff that was pretty much every day, such as swimming lessons. I’d thought that would give our days some structure, and also give us a nice automatic daily dose of Summer Activity. But not only did it instead contribute to the Relentless Summer feeling, it also made it very difficult to do anything that would take all day, or anything that happened to meet at the same time as the lessons. The daily-lessons plan worked way better when the kids were littler and I wasn’t planning to do much else ANYWAY: having a daily lesson meant I was at least leaving the house every day and that was good for morale, and also the daily pool water meant fewer baths. This summer I’m signing up for only 2-week sessions at a time; if the kids LOVE the activity and want to keep doing it, then I will CONSIDER another 2-week chunk. But mostly I am thinking like this: “This is the 2-week chunk when we’re doing tennis lessons; next session, we won’t have anything scheduled in a daily way so that’s when we should consider doing the hike and the day-trip to a lake. The session after that is the 2-week chunk when we’ll do swimming lessons.” And so on.
I’m also doing an idea I’m pretty sure I got from Stimey, which is to post a list of the things the kids need to do before they can play computer games. This solved one of my problems, which was “How are we going to remember the morning tooth-brushing without the school routine to remind us?” With this method, I could put it on the list and now it’s getting done AND keeping them in the habit. It’s also good for the chronic problem of the kids leaving their laundry in little abandoned heaps wherever they happened to get dressed that day: I added “Put laundry in the laundry” (they find this phrasing funny and say it repeatedly until I get a headache) to the list.
Several of the kids wanted to do playdates this summer, and I think we’ve talked here before about how much I dislike playdates. I love the concept of them and I think they can be SO GOOD for kids, but I don’t like hosting them and I don’t like letting someone else host them, and I don’t like arranging them. So. This summer I’m trying to keep my wits about me, because one of my favorite ways to do a playdate is to say “We’re going to be at the park from 10:00-11:00 today!” and see if other people want to MEET us there. And then even if it doesn’t work out, I get credit for making friendly contact.
And finally, I’m trying to do MORE stuff toward the BEGINNING of summer. Last year I’d thought I should save some fun things for the end, but then I found when we got to the last month I was very unmotivated to do anything at all: I was worn out by then, and sick of everything, and it seemed like a waste of time to do Fun! Summer! Things! when school was so close. If we get to the end and still feel like playing, we can REdo some things.
A comment on the play dates. My friends mother who had three, including my friend, set it up that one day was “play date day” and each child was allowed to invite one friend over.
This doubles the number of children in the house, which of course can be crazy, but since she knew it was coming she would prepare a lunch/snack ahead that was easy for large groups.
And the “play date”-ness was over in one day for all the children. So it wasn’t like a constant/never ending request for play dates from one child or another.
I believe they had two of these each summer and that was it.
I LOVE this idea, because I also have three and I also hate play dates. My oldest is at the age where we are just starting to have drop-off play dates, which I strongly prefer. I hate making awkward conversation with a grown up that I would not necessarily choose as my own friend (I have been lucky that I really like the majority of the moms, and they are universally very nice, but a few, it’s just…awkward and FEELS VERY LONG when I spend time with them.) Once my youngest is a few years older, I may have to implement the two big play dates.
We have done the park play date thing, which I also like because they socialize and see their friends and get nice and tired, and I don’t have to linger at someone else’s house or wonder when someone else is leaving my own house.
We moved a few years ago to a neighborhood with lots of kids, from a neighborhood with NO kids, and we were so excited and thought that was so wonderful, and it mostly is, but…sometimes, or, actually, OFTEN, I find myself wanting to avoid spontaneous play dates, and unable to do so.
The only part of this I have mastered so far is entering summer with a sense of dread.
I love you. I love the way you think and I love that you totally spell it all out. May all of your Fun! Summer! Things! be both fun and summery!
Also, please do keep blog as a priority because if you didn’t I would be sad.
I had that experience with Starbucks coffee. I switched back to Costco and all was well, but the Starbucks made me a very angry person, and my husband too! Scary! We had it for a few days before we figured out it was the coffee. We were short and on edge. Yuck. I’ve been enjoying earl gray with cream and sugar lately.
Brilliant! All of it!
Oh. My. God. I need to go buy a notebook immediately so I can have a record of my righteousness. Genius. Also, I hate playdates too but don’t mind park meetups.
I find summers hard, too, and I only have 2 kids to manage. I work part-time at home and that’s a challenge. So far week 1 was older child at grandmother’s house out of state and younger child at a full-day camp, so that was pretty easy. Week 2 is a half-day camp for both kids (younger is a camper and older is a volunteer junior counselor) so I at least have mornings to work (although am I working right now?). Week 3 will be vacation, so I don’t expect things to get really challenging until later in the summer. I will try to keep your strategies in mind as we hit the harder weeks.
p.s. I feel lucky now play date are pretty effortless here. I just invite the friend over and leave them alone. In some ways it’s easier than not having someone over because my extrovert younger child is entertained and I don’t have to do it.
my summer is SO different. Absolutely and completely different than this. I work full time (outside of the home) and my husband is at home with our 2 daughters. SO, I literally spend large chunks of each day thinking the following:
1. I wish I could be there to go to the pool with the kids today. (and then guilt for not being appreciative of my job that allows my husband to be there to do these things).
2. I feel guilty that it might be difficult for my husband to wrangle a 3 and 1 year old at the pool.
3. I am not getting enough steps on my fit-bit and if I can’t get them when the weather is beautiful in the summer, how will I ever get them in the winter time? On a side note, i am “friends” with my mom on fit bit, and she sends me messages like “go find your bike, sarah.”
4. there are just not enough weekends in the summer. i want the summer to last all year. but i don’t want to move to Florida.
Ps. none of this was written to take away from the stress of your summer. your post just made me realize how difficult everyone has it sometimes! and we are the lucky ones, i am sure. To have healhty, happy children. Swistle, your post today was genius as usual!
I can totally relate to this- I feel guilty that they are at home watching TV/making messes everywhere all day while I am at work (my kids are older) and then I feel so much pressure on the weekends to fill the time with FUN SUMMER FUN GO GO GO things, and it is exhausting. It’s funny how spending a Saturday at home baking cookies and watching movies is something desirable in the wintertime, but doing that in summer feels like a waste.
I solved the problem of what to do with the Summer by sending my kids (three of them, ages 11 to 7) to my parents for six weeks. I am a better parent because I only parent 11 months a year. That month off is GLORIOUS. I don’t have children for the month of June, and my parents (who retired young and have money) get to spoil my children rotten and take them on all sorts of exciting adventures. This year they’ve already been to the beach (multiple times), gone out on a whale watch, went to Great Wolf Lodge, went to Washington DC/Maryland/Virginia. Next week they’re going to New Hampshire and finally will end up in Vermont for some horse back riding, all before being shipped back to me early July. And we’ll still have 3 weeks with them before school starts up again August 4th.
My husband and I both grew up getting sent off for the summer- sleep away camps, Scout camps, getting sent to relatives houses- and we’re continuing the tradition with our kids. If my parents weren’t willing to take the kids, I’d be spending a fortune to send them to sleep away camps for the entire summer.
THIS IS BRILLIANT.
I don’t even have kids yet, and I’m still so happy that you wake up early just to give us gems of Swistle-ness like this. You make me want to take my little nephew to the pool and get an ice cream while it’s still FUN and SUMMER!
So, I’m married to a teacher and, thus, summer is our favorite time of year for all kinds of reasons. However, ” lasting record of my righteousness” describes me by about January every year. I start sending my husband long emails with every little thing I have accomplished, or even just done (you know, breathe!) each day while he’s at work. In my defense, he has sent me an email asking how my day is going and what we’re up to.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This was just what I needed today as the rest of the summer loomed. And if you like notebooks, take a look at bulletjournal.com It’s a very nice thing.
As everyone who is even remotely within my circle of acquaintance knows, I HATE SUMMER.
Re: playdates: I’d love to hear from anyone on handling playdates and shared custody. I have 50/50 custody of my daughter and so when she’s invited on playdates during “my” time, I hesitate to let her go because I already only spend half of the time with her. OTOH, if BOTH her dad and I do this, then she NEVER gets to have sleepovers, play with friends, etc. I guess an obvious solution is to have playdates at OUR house but that gets weird when it’s the same two or three kids and my daughter NEVER gets to go to their house or do anything with their families. IDK. Another day, another new divorce problem. Ha.
I haven’t even read all of this yet but I got so excited about it that I had to respond IMMEDIATELY to say that I love this! Love the ideas, love the general attitude and approach.
My kids have gotten older too and older is IMO definitely better. Summer is SO MUCH LESS of a big deal as they get older. We are approaching the point where two of three will have summer jobs, one can transport herself and the other will have his license by next summer.
In the way of rose-colored-glasses, I can already see myself pining for “the days of summer when we used to have fun adventures” in a few years. lol
I have probably missed seeing this idea somewhere on your blog, but I am going to throw it out there just in case! My mom and I came up with it about six months ago…the perpetual calendar journal! I started mine to use as a daily journal of memories, but I could also see where having multiple ones could be fun too. I have mine set up in a lined notebook with more than 365 pages (I wanted to give myself extra for holidays and birthdays), the date goes at the top and the year goes next to my one line of memories for that day. I love this idea because, 1. I think it’s fun to write it in a notebook instead of/in addition to digitally and 2. I can’t wait to see every year what we did that day!
Maybe this is how you already do all your notebooks and I have just been missing it!?
Swistle, may I ask what time you go to bed? I think I need to get up earlier but I am just so tired without 8 hours of sleep. I have a six month old and feel like I get nothing done ever. We have a lot of fun, but get nothing done. It’s wearing on me.
10:00ish. I’d like to go to bed earlier, but Elizabeth is a night owl and doesn’t go to sleep until 9:30, and I don’t like to go to sleep before she does.
I see… I think with a bit of discipline perhaps I can find an hour. Great post, Swistle.
WOW! Wrangling five kids for 9.5 weeks sounds exhausting! I love summer weather and the long daylight hours and the lighter clothing, but I HATE that my daughter is out of her regular school routine. I find that my kid THRIVES on a regular routine, and days off (teacher work days, half days, spring break, etc) affect her mood and disposition negatively. We both work, so signing her up for summer camp/summer school enrichment programs (that run the same hours as school) is a necessity anyway, but it keeps her on her schedule, too, so it is a good thing for us. We have 2 weeks during the summer with no camp, and those weeks are unpleasant, although I always HOPE they’ll be fun.
This is a serious question. What is the difference between a playdate and having Susie from down the street over to play? Are they one and the same? My kids are 17 and 20, so I’m not up on the current lingo.
Ugh summer. We are almost a MONTH into it and its awful but I am trying to keep track of stuff that we do, even if it’s only so I can shove it in my six year old’s face when she is older and say see? See how I tried to keep you busy and happy and you didn’t appreciate it at all and ended every day by saying “are we at least doing something fun tomorrow?”. I am still pushing a double stroller and still bringing diapers everywhere and freaking out at the pool so I am pretty miserable. BUT I really like the idea of the playdate day and I think I will send an email about it tomorrow, so thank you, person-who-mentioned-that!
Good lord, Swistle. This should be required reading for parents who are home with their kids in the summer. I feel better about the upcoming weeks just reading *your* ideas. Also, an hour of quiet time? I feel as if that should win a Nobel Prize in parenting or something. I gave up on quiet time when my kiddos were, you know, like, four. Now I feel like it is plausible—nay, eminently doable—to bring back.
So I am smack in the middle of summer with a 5 year old, 2 year old, and 1 year old twins, which means I have the double stroller AND the too-many-non-swimmers to enjoy the pool AND we moved here in April which means our “summer” started weeks before anyone else’s (not starting at a new preschool for 5 extra weeks). My 2 year old is still too little to get much out of any sort of summer camp and I don’t want to pay for a million activities for an almost-kindergartener so we are doing our best to do SUMMER! without killing each other after hours in the basement playroom. That is all to say that I really super appreciate this post from the perspective of someone who remembers those swim-diaper-and-stroller summers and makes me realize that this is probably the hardest summer I will have and it should technically get easier from here on out as kids get more self-reliant. So thanks for that.
I think I’ve mentioned before about the summer I babysat four children, ages 3-10, twice a week from 7 am until 4pm. The mother wanted me to feed them breakfast and lunch, obviously, but also have it all cleaned up and all the dishes done and some other light household work accomplished by the time she got home. After the first insane week (these crazy children did things like lock us out of the house on purpose and throw their shoes onto the roof) I asked the mother if I could have them take a quiet time after lunch. I was 13 and I could not reliably supervise the children and wash her dishes, especially since the children were prone to intense physical interactions. Quiet time saved me that summer!
You have terrific ideas and interesting observations all the time, but this post was especially fascinating to me.