I’ve recently noticed a group I’d never really noticed before: grandmothers bringing up their grandchildren. One reason I hadn’t noticed it is that I started having children younger than is currently typical, and so other mothers are pretty much always older than me—sometimes by quite a bit. In the group of women I get together with every month or so, we all have children the same age, and I am the second-youngest member of the group—and the youngest one had her first child when she was just barely out of high school. Some of the women are more than ten years older than I am.
So when I saw women in that age group with children, I assumed the women were the mothers of the children—or, more accurately, I didn’t think about it one way or the other. But if you’d said to me, “Hey, what do you guess is the relationship between those two people across the room at this open house?,” I would have said, “Mother/child.” Then I would have wondered why you were asking, because that’s kind of a weird question.
Recently, though, I’ve encountered three women, all of whom have primary care of their grandchildren. (My main contact is with only one of them, but she’s friends with the other two so now I’ve met them as well.) I’ve found their situation extremely thought-provoking. I’m not sure I even have much to say about it other than that.
Well, no, I DO. For one thing, of course it makes me imagine myself in that situation, and I wonder what that would be like. Probably none of these women expected to be taking care of kids full-time again at this stage of life, and yet here they are. I realized I’ve definitely been assuming that the kids would leave home and then Paul and I would move on to the next stage—but in one woman’s case, her youngest was still at home when her eldest had children and then abandoned them, so she even has overlap: kids AND grandkids to raise.
I’ve also thought about another implication of being in a situation where I was raising grandchildren: it would mean something had gone seriously amiss with one of my children. So here I’d be, back to a job I’d thought I’d be done with, and worrying/sad about a grown child, and also feeling out of line with my peer group.
(As an aside, I remember learning in high school that we “raise” livestock and “rear” children, but when I use “rear”/”rearing” it seems wrong. My dad was a writer after he stopped being a pastor, and one thing I remember him telling me is that if it sounds wrong, it’s wrong—even if it’s technically correct. So you’ll notice I first used “bringing up” instead of “rearing,” and then I used “have primary care of” instead of “are rearing,” but now I’m giving up and using “raise.”)
I have also noticed , just in the past year or so, how MANY Grandparents are raising their grandchildren in my son’s classes. It makes me really sad for some reason, but then I feel angsty for feeling sad about a situation which may be just fine with the people involved (??). My eldest son in in 1st grade and my younger is in preschool and there are at least 10 kids who are being cared for full-time by Grandparents…and they (the Grandparents) all look EXHAUSTED. To be fair, I probably look exhausted most of the time, too…but I made a choice to be exhausted by small children.
I wonder if they are actually being raised by the grandparents, or if the grandparents are the primary childcare providers.
My mom has long been my primary childcare provider; she picks my son up after school, and she’s often the one talking to the teacher, etc., as a result.
She is not, however, raising him.
My sister and I work, and my mom picks our kids up from school.
Oh, I find this topic super interesting!
We live in a neighborhood that is pretty much upper middle class and grandparent taking care of the grandchildren is actually very common. Usually, both parents are employed full-time and the grandparents are retired (or semi-retired, all depending on how you look at it, I suppose.) Admittedly, it’s not a full time type of caregiving for the grandparents. Frequently, the grandparents are taking care of the kids two days a week, and there’s a nanny or daycare for the other days. Or something like that.
I’ll be honest: I’m totally jealous. I would love to be able to have my mother taking care of my kids part time. Heck, I’d even pay her. She thinks, however, she is not suppose to be doing that type of thing (i.e., taking care of her grandkids.) She thinks that BECAUSE that’s what her mother told her when she was young. When I complain about needing more help, she will even say stuff to me like, “Well, I did it all alone, so can you.” Nonetheless, she spends an ridiculous amount of time talking about how much she wants to see her grandkids (they live 2000 miles away) and plotting for the week in the summer when the grandkids will come and stay at her house. It’s sad, really. For her. For me, too. ;-)
I’m now thinking that I kind of missed your point, Swistle. Sorry.
But I still do think that there an awful lot of families – at least in my experience – who are splitting up the duties of raising kids cross-generationally. I find that to be really awesome. It’s tough whenever all the responsibility falls on one or two people. Spreading it out is a good thing, I think.
Me too: I think “grandparents babysitting grandchildren” is pretty awesome. I think it’s kind of ideal if, when babysitting is needed, it can be done by family members.
Yes, I mean situations where the children are living with their grandparents, because the parents are not in the picture and/or not able to care for the children at all.
So, my parents are not raising any of their grandchildren, however, my youngest brother is 18 years younger than my older sister (there are five of us total). Because of the older kids, people often assumed that my younger brothers were her grandkids. Especially if she had one of us older girls and just one of the younger boys out with her, the clear (often spoken) assumption was that I was her teenage daughter/teen parent, and this was my child I’d had at 14.
However, my aunt, who was older when she had her kids (43 when she had her youngest) is never assumed to be the grandparent, always the parent, so I wonder if that’s because she doesn’t have the older kids filling in and making it mysterious.
On the subject of family assumptions! My mom used to drive my grandpa everywhere before he passed away, as he was legally blind for the end part of his life. She generally had my youngest brother with her, before he was in school and such. People would make an assumption that he and my mother were married, and either they had their grandson out with them, or they were ESPECIALLY ancient parents (my mom was asked about her fertility treatments once).
The general assumption is that my parents are divorced and my youngest brothers are half brothers, and I know that because people express surprise when they find out that we all have the same parents.
I find the whole family-structure assumption game to be particularly interesting because people get it wrong so often. I mean, I’m sure they usually get it mostly right, but with my large sprawling family all hanging out in different combinations at different times, I can tell that we confuse people, and they get the structure all wrong often enough that they have to Ask and that it’s A Thing.
My sister had her oldest when my youngest brother was just out of kindergarten, so there was never any lapse in children. So if one of us had fallen apart and my mom was raising grandkids, there would similarly be no gap.
Jenny, I feel you: my dad remarried and had a set of boys about 20 years after he had his set of girls. My sister and I get confused reactions when we refer to them as our brothers instead of specifying half-brothers. Add to that that my dad was in his 30s when he had us and my mom was young and looked even younger than she was, and in his 50s when he had my brothers, and there was a lot of confusion from strangers over whether my dad was a parent or a grand-parent to my brothers when they were young.
Someone tried to flatter my mom once by saying “and this must be your father..?” when looking at my dad. It totally backfired as my dad has not forgiven him to this day, and that was 40 years ago.
I had a high school teacher who, on the first day of school, told us that she had children aged 21, 19, 4, and 2, and then she added “Yes with the same father; yes on purpose.”
This is one of my major fears. Not so much that something tragic would happen to give me the care of my grandchildren (although NOW I am thinking of this) but rather that one or more of my kids will grow up to be douche bags and not take care of their own children.
My people don’t tend to be high on the socioeconomic scale. Both of my grandmothers raised grandchildren until their deaths…when the care of these children passed to other family members, but not the parents of said children. I…have a hard time finding an up side to this for any parties involved. I really hope it doesn’t happen to me. But if it does? Well, then you deal. You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.
I think the upside (admittedly a poor one) is that the kids involved have nice, loving grandparents who will take care of them if and when they need to.
Misty, my eyebrows went up when I read a variation of my daycare provider’s favourite saying in your comment: “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
I hadn’t heard it, or anything so very close to it, anywhere else!
Shawna, my children say that to ME. I assume they picked it up at preschool. It is a very useful statement.
it’s a line from Pinkalicious (a children’s book.)
I worry about this too. I teach in a very low socioeconomic area, and we actually have GREAT-grandparents caring for a child. (But if each generation were 20 years apart, or even 18 yrs, I guess it’s not that shocking). But I wonder what happens if these children that are being raised by their grandparents should grow up to be irresponsible parents? They won’t have their own parents to fall back on for childcare/support since said parents abandoned them in the first place. Does that make sense? It can be a very sad cycle overall and I wish I had a solution.
Some will grow to be very good parents. My ex-husband has two wonderful brothers and a little sister. I guess his parents were exhausted by the time she was born because this girl turned out to be a big mess. Ran away at 15 and started popping babies out and leaving them with my ex-in-laws to raise (rear?). She had four kids.
All of the kids, except the oldest one, are parents and they are loving, responsible parents, despite all being teen-age parents themselves. I guess they wised up and decided they would not let history repeat itself.
The other scary part to this is that grandparents are more likely to develop health problems. My mom co-parented with my sister (really my mom raised the kids while my sister ran around) and that had to come to an end when my mom developed Parkinsons. My mom was 39 when I was born and my dad was 59 so she was nearing 70 when she was raising toddlers again. Not what she wanted out of her retirement years at all but then there was the additional guilt that she raised a jerk who didn’t care about her kids. It was complicated and sad and it didn’t end well. Everyone (except my sister) did the best they could.
I was what is known in some parts of the UK as a “Nan kid”
Raised in part by both my Mother and My Nana .
I loved my Nana as a child, But now as an adult with two smalls myself its so much more, my kids love her too. Im pleased she’s here now to see how everything panned out, and so she can be a part of our lives still.
I’m so pleased I was raised by a really loving family member, even if I did feel awks as a child, and a tad guilty about the set up …
My daughters do have a couple of friends who are being raised by grandparents. Two cases were teen parents who, for lack of a better situation, were unable to raise their own children. The biological Moms are still in the children’s lives, but not on a day to day. One was a very young teen Mom- 13 or 14 at most, the other was slightly older but still under 18 (and, yeah, in both cases, the father has never been in the picture). In a third case, the father got deported, and the mother is in jail. It’s not a good situation, as the grandparents are overwhelmed, overworked and didn’t expect to have these kids full time when they were in their 60’s. I take the older daughter as much as possible, but the younger two boys exhaust me, and I’m 30 years younger than the grandparents who have them on a day to day basis.
My mother always implied (possibly even said flat out) that the advantage of being a grandparent is that you still get to enjoy children without having to raise them. My mother-in-law was even more vocal about it, volunteering to take care of my SIL’s children during the summer but only after they were fully potty trained and mostly self-sufficient. She said she was DONE with all that and wasn’t going back. I suspect when my children are grown I will feel exactly the same way.
There are a few parents at school/activities who I have wondered about, but I think they are mostly just slightly older mothers. On the other hand, there was a girl in my exercise class who was technically her toddler’s grandmother but was far too young to ACTUALLY be his grandmother so she stopped correcting people when they assumed she was the mother. Families are confusing.
My sister in law quit her job to take care of her granddaughter while her daughter works full time. Sure she gets tired but loves every minute of it! This is a different situation then many of them mentioned in the comments but for my sister in law and my niece this has been a blessing. Don’t know if it will continue when the new baby is born. When I was little I told my mom I wanted to be a mommy so I could take of babies and she asked what would I do when my babies grew up and I said take care of their babies. Well, hasn’t happened except my stint working in a day care.
This does sound great! I’m talking though about grandparents who are raising the grandchildren as opposed to babysitting them—that is, the grandchildren are in the grandparents’ custody and the grandchildren’s parents are out of the picture or only occasionally in the picture. I think it’s wonderful for everyone involved when a relative chooses to provide workday care for a small child.
My neighbor is raising her grandson. We don’t know EXACTLY the whole situation, but I met her daughter with the grandson when we first moved in and then a year later, the daughter was gone. The grandson calls his grandma “mom” and corrected me once when I called her his grandma by saying “I don’t have a grandma.” The daughter was recently visiting but I don’t know if anything is changing. My neighbor is fairly young, she had her kids in her early twenties and she just turned fifty. Her grandson is a little bit older than Elizabeth, I think he just turned six. I wonder all the time if it is going to be a permanent situation or if he is ever going to go back to live with his mom. And none of us know what the story is or what the little boy knows about the whole thing so we never say a single word about anything.
I’m not a mom but am a Girl Scout leader so have had the opportunity to observe a number of family arrangements. It’s interesting you bring this up Swistle because I’ve noticed the same thing with increasing frequency. In our troop, I know of at least three girls being raised by their grandparents – and in at least one case, the grandparents have gone through the formal process of legally adopting their two granddaughters. Sadly, nearly all these cases involve long-term drug/alcohol abuse with the parent(s) – so the grandparents have the double whammy of caring for the kids while also worrying about their own kids’ health, welfare and legal situations. For each of the girls, it’s wonderful that they have someone to step up and provide stability, but I doubt it’s easy on either party although counseling has helped.
We are raising what started out to be a grandson. We brought his mother and him home from the hospital when the baby was born because our son was in no financial position (yet) to take full responsibility. Short version – mother ran off when baby was three weeks old; our son died when baby was six months old. We have now adopted him, and he has been the one to pull us through all of this. But NO – I did not anticipate rearing children for 40+ years, but as you all say – you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
And I wanted to add – it is a very lonely proposition, frankly. We don’t “fit in” with the younger parents, really (my husband does better than I do). We certainly do not fit in with our peers, either – the ones who are travelling, etc., because they CAN. I would not trade my little boy for any of this, but sometimes I would give almost anything for someone my own age to talk to.
Deanne, I’m so sorry for your loss of your son. And while I wouldn’t pretend (and don’t intend to pretend) the situations are similar, I’m an older mom and my DH is a “much” older dad (he was in his mid-50s when our son was born), and I can sort of relate to the “some one my own age” part. So many of the moms of my son’s friends are so, well, young. And just at a different stage in their lives from where we are.
This is actually a big concern of mine, as selfish as it makes me sound: that I’ll somehow raise (rear?) my children to be adults incapable of living on their own and as a corollary to that, incapable of taking care of their own children. Raising kids is hard work and I’d like to enjoy my retirement someday – be able to travel and eat out carefree and not be saddled with little ones again. I had my son so young (22) that I never really got to experience freedom like that as an adult. But on the flip side, I know I’ll love my (potential) grandchildren and will want to do whatever it takes to keep them safe and happy. And anyway, like a previous poster said: You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
We’re in the “involved grandparents” group in both directions, but in the “good” ways rather than “bad” ways each of which the comments above mine suggest. My mom retired shortly before my son was born (she was in her 70s, this wasn’t an early retirement), and has been an active part of his life ever since — providing one or two days of childcare every week, pretty much. There were two times before he turned 3 that we needed, with no warning, to leave him in someone else’s care (once I was in an accident and needed surgery while my DH was out of town, and once we needed to travel to a funeral for an extended family member), and it was so wonderful both times just to be able to hand him over to her and know that he was cared for AND that he felt safe and secure in a comfortable and familiar context. She still picks him up from school one day/week and provides assorted other help. It is wonderful and we are so lucky.
My DH was in his mid-50s when our son was born, and I was in my late 30s. So he is fairly often mistaken for grandpa and I am occasionally mistaken for grandma.
AND we are now grandparents ourselves. Well, step, in my case: One of DH’s two adult kids (both in their 30s) recently had a child. So now he is doing a bit of the assisting bit himself (he is retired, I work FT, though I may also do a bit from time to time as the need arises. We’re new to this.).
DH’s family typically has kids VERY young, he was a hold-out waiting (on his first) until late 20s, and both his (younger) brothers were grandparents long before he was. And this involvement of grandparents isn’t new: when DH was little, his mom used to send the kids to stay with their grandparents (in another state) during the summer, but those grandparents would themselves have been in their 40s (um, to situate this, my DH remembers a time when their train was delayed to allow JFK, who was campaigning to become president, to go through). And my own grandma moved to my hometown when I was about 5, and would help take care of us kids, though I’d say she was a bit … scattered (not in a bad way, just in the way of someone who was willing to help out by babysitting but wasn’t going to devote her dotage to raising grandchildren).
(Returning to today, we are very lucky to have such good extended family connections (and proximity). Clearly many others are not so fortunately situated.)
I feel like I’ve noticed this too, although I don’t have any good examples.
But on the subject of weird generational crossing, I will say I have a cousin who is a great-grandpa already and I am only pregnant with my first. (His mom is my grandma’s oldest child and my dad is her youngest.) in their family they all had children as teenagers, whereas my dad was 28 for me and I am 28 now. So weird.
Sorry that’s off topic but with all the talk of people confusing generations I wanted to share. :-)
And sometimes, you’re their primary caregiver during the day, but only while their parents work. Mom and I volunteered when my six-year-old niece was a baby, and we’ve had half-shares in raising her and her sister. When Mom died last year, I took over, and took the youngest one, too. I resent it when people call me the baby sitter or the nanny. I’m not. Babysitters and nannies are paid to help you raise your kids. I’m not paid. I’m being the third parent because I love my brother, his wife, and our kids. Mom felt the same way before she passed. I’m often asked if I’m their mom, and the answer is yes… sorta. Not biologically, but I’m their other mother. I do all the mom things, except I have to give them back every night….
I’m a foster parent, so I can tell you the upside in that worst-case scenario you’re imagining.
It means the kids aren’t living with people they don’t know (like me). And no matter how much training I have and how good a parent I am and how much I come to love them, it’s just not the same as having a loving grandparent step in to be the child’s soft place to land. What breaks my heart is when kids who’ve been in my care have family that won’t (or can’t) do that for them.
Laura D. makes an interesting point. My sister rearranged her life to come be our stay-at-home mom while I worked when my little guy was small. He is in school now and she has moved out, but lives nearby and spends a ton of time with him. I tell people she is helping us raise him.
However, and this is just me, but I would be way uncomfortable if she told people she was his “other mother” because…no. She is his super involved aunt, not a parent.
I was just going to make the same comment. We are VERY lucky that my MIL is a retired elementary school teacher who was eager to provide child care for us while we work.
She is not, in any way, shape, or form, their mother. I’m their only mother. She is their grandmother- and would be the first to make that clarification, too.
People give us that look/ask us who is the mom when I am out with my mom and my son! She had me when she was 19 and still looks great, and her older sister (my aunt) actually does have a kids only a bit older than my son. Mostly we just laugh it off, it’s kind of a complement to my mom I guess.
My niece lived with my parents for 1 year while my brother and sister-in-law were both gone for military training/deployments. It was an interesting year to say the least. It required my niece to move across the country to our hometown. Considering the military commitment, it was the best option, but still challenging. In a lot of ways , it was awesome because the rest of our family is close and sees each other regularly and she got to experience that for a year. However, I won’t lie, it was taxing for everyone involved.
You have touched on a big fear of mine, being identified as the grandmother instead of the mother, especially as my kids/I get older. I was 37 when I had my first and 43 when I had my last (four all together) and I sometimes crack myself up when I am out with my kids, thinking of ways that I could SEEM younger without seeming super lame, like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed or something.
I do know lots of situations where the grandmother is straight up raising the grandchild, I used to see it a lot at one of the park’s open gyms I went to when my kids were younger. Since I was old to start, my mom is older than a lot of the grandmothers that I see, but I still think Lord, they must be tired! I’m tired!
As to your Dad’s rule, I agree – I know it’s technically wrong to say “where are you from?” but I just can’t say “from where do you hail?” or whatever the hell.
I went to a school conference about ADHD. Out of the six people there, I was the only parent. The other five were grandparents who were raising/had custody of their grandchildren. They were deeply committed and I couldn’t help but admire them.
All I can think of when I hear this “NO do NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME!” my oldest is 21 and youngest is 8 when I’m done I’ll have given 31 years to being home with kids–I LOVE my kids but I want to do other stuff after they grow up I can’t imagine being a good caregiver for another child pretty sure I’d be a cranky bitch about it–on the other hand if there was no one else I’d probably lose the attitude real fast and put on my big girl panties
I know this is at least a little tangential, but I find this topic fascinating, in large part because of the work I do. (I’m an attorney and represent parents when their children are in foster care). So my question: for those who know grandparents who are “parenting” (rather than “babysitting”) their grandkids, do you know what the legal relationship is between grandparents and grandchildren? Did grandparents adopt the children? Or are they legal guardians? Perhaps some other legal relationship. It’s a bonus if you know if the state (child protective services) was ever involved. Thanks to anyone who has insights into this.
I am raising my niece. I’m not rearing her…that sounds weird! There are massive support systems in place in Aussie because of how many grandparents are raising their grandchildren. Nothing much for Aunts! I have my niece simply because my sister isn’t good at being a parent. The kids were fed/watered etc…but she lacked the skills to be systematic/organised/create routines, have set rules and enforce them etc so by the time they reach teens, they are out of control. I’ve raised two of her teenagers now (the oldest is 24 and in the army, the 15 year old still lives with me) and another nephew who is about to join the army too (from that sister’s twin sister). People don’t really see what I am doing as any big deal because I’m young enough that they could be mine…but I dare you to take in someone else’s troubled teens and turn them around. Get them adjusted to a new country, make them feel loved, keep them in school, turn out happy functioning adults. Then do it again. And then again. That isn’t an easy job when it is your OWN child so I have massive respect for older people who are taking on any children of any age that aren’t their own. It is tiring…and if you know someone like that, offer to babysit for an evening.
For me, this falls under the heading of “if I could control the universe’s plans for me” because if I could, I would have had my two kids earlier in life simply so, in the event that something should happen to me, my mom would be younger and able to care for them better. She’s named primary guardian in our trust, for now, but they are still so young, and she is almost 70 – the age at which I see a lot of older people’s health start deteriorating. And if I’d had kids younger, then I wouldn’t have to worry about taking care of grandkids when I’m in *my* 70s either. I of course have high hopes that neither of these things will be necessary, but it is a sobering thought.
This is a bit different sort of situation, but my parents had foster kids the whole time I was growing up, and wound up adopting two of them, a brother and sister. So now I have a brand-new teenaged brother and sister (I am almost 41). My mom and dad often feel like Deanne, above, that they don’t “fit in” with the other parents — they are not the same age or time of life — and they are not the kids’ grandparents, either, so they don’t feel they fit into that growing group. I wish they had more support; they’re dealing with things that weren’t really issues when I was a kid.
Problems “rear their ugly heads” cars get rear-ended. It does sound wrong! Raise/Raising is so much more positive, with upward direction, which is the hope when having kids. God, I’m so tired at 39, which is how old my grandmother was when I was born, I can’t imagine doing another round 10-15 years from now.
I teach in a high poverty school, I have become very used to grandparents, sometimes exhausted and overwhelmed caring for their grandchildren, death, prison, drugs…. sad and difficult. Successful, too, a loving landing spot for some.