I was talking recently with one of the women I volunteer with (we were on our own so had more time to chat than usual), and she has confirmed a lot of my worries about volunteering. She started three years ago when her youngest started school, so she’s three years ahead of me, and already she is in over her head. She says as soon as they find out you’re reliable and willing, they call for EVERYTHING. She signed up just to help with an event, but they put her in charge of it; she hasn’t been trained, and she’s going nuts with how much work it is, and there aren’t enough other volunteers to help (the school hasn’t sent out a request, so no one even knows volunteers are needed), and the office and teaching staffs are complaining about how she’s doing it, and complaining more because she can’t stay after school or come back in the evenings (she needs to be home when her kids come home from school), and phrasing requests “Couldn’t you just…?” (stay a few more hours, do the massive post-event clean-up—other things that are not at all “just”). I said, “Don’t they realize you’re VOLUNTEERING??” and she said “I think they honestly do forget I’m not paid.”
Anyway. Discouraging. But it hasn’t happened to me yet. I think I need to work ahead of time on my “Oh, sorry, I can’t that day” response. Or if I do volunteer for the local nursing home to see if that’s where I’d like to get a job later on, I could say, “Oh, sorry—this year I’m volunteering at the nursing home.”
Also, I think it would be better to have an entirely different system. What if instead of volunteers, there were several positions every year for odd-jobs type parents? Kind of like substitute teaching. There would be a list, and when miscellaneous temporary workers were needed, the school could go down the list and see who was available; the same as volunteering (irregular hours, different activities) but paid minimum wage. My guess is that those jobs would be hotly sought-after: I know I’d enjoy having a way to earn a little bit here and there, and I know a lot of other at-home parents who are looking for the same thing. And then we wouldn’t have this crazy system where there are jobs that simultaneously MUST be done and ALSO aren’t important enough to pay people to do, and where volunteers end up feeling trapped and overburdened, and where nothing is particularly regulated because it’s just volunteers (my co-volunteer said one teacher asked her to make her a sandwich [I should clarify that this was considered BIZARRE and chalked up to this one crazy teacher, and is not typical of the other teachers at all]; another asked her to clean up a spill in the cafeteria [in this case, my co-volunteer thought this was because of the difficulty of telling volunteers apart from employees]). And it really is SUCH a strange thing to ask of people: “Hey, do you want to come do some work for us, but for free? Like, you do the work and we benefit from it, but we don’t pay you anything?”
Pleae tell me that woman did not make the teacher a sandwich! Oh my, what a mess that sounds like. Thankfully, the things I volunteer for don’t turn out that way. Most cases we are begging for more volunteers to help, but no one seems to be available. So, about 5% of the people do 90% of the work, but that is just how it goes, I guess. Swistle, I commend you for even volunteering at all, great work! :)
i just read the comment about 5% of the people do 90% of the work and it occured to me, What about the parents who both work? Generally, neither parent would be available to volunteer. Do the volunteers look down on the working-outside-the-home parents who can’t volunteer to do things (which generally seem to be needed during the day)? I am not trying to be controversial; I am really curious. We are not at the school age yet, so this has not happened for us, but i imagine we will be faced with it soon enough. And if there is an evening volunteer opportunity, what if we are unavailable or do not want to be away from our kids (more than we already are) to volunteer? I realize this is taking the conversation in a different direction, but Swistle’s post made me start thinking about all of these things.
Swistle, I agree that paying volunteers is a great idea. The amount of time volunteers are expected to give seems completely unreasonable and worthy of getting paid. However, where does the money come from? The PTO maybe? I think it could work.
And with parents who don’t both work, typically it would be because one of them was home with little children; that group would also be unable to volunteer (without getting a babysitter). It’s a very small category available for volunteering, really: parents who don’t have a job and whose children are all in school.
I was thinking the money would come from the same budget they use to pay other staff.
My experience as someone in a family with two working parents, but who is lucky enough to work in a job that is fairly flexible, so if I plan ahead, I can volunteer at least once a month, is that the 5% who are very hard core volunteers understand that two working parents just can’t be there as often. At least at Oldest’s school they really appreciate when people in that situation volunteer to do one off things like field trips or evening things like the school carnival, but there are parents who just cannot make it to school at all and that’s fine too. I realize that I may just be lucky with the volunteers and PTA at Oldest’s school too :-)
Our school day starts at 7:30 am, and many parents volunteer from 7:30-8 am, a time that might not conflict with some jobs.
In my experience, some working parents enjoy using time off for field trips. Often if a job happens to near a field trip, a working parent (like my husband) can pop over for 3-4 hours in the middle of a day (and downtown business-like jobs are often near downtown theater or museum field trips)
We have A LOT of volunteer opportunities that are not during typical school hours. School carnivals, family education nights, book fairs, walkathons, plant sales…its a long list.
Generally, where we live the teachers at the beginning of the year sends out a list of what they are looking for and I sign up for evening/ weekend activities (making booklets, cutting paper, stapling things together – because as a working mom it is hard for me to take off work to go and volunteer during the day. So the teacher sends the stuff and instructions home with the kid and I do it and send it back. This way I feel like I am contributing and she gets help. I also always send an email quarterly to say hey I know I can’t volunteer during the day but is there anything you or the school needs? Near the end of the year the school needs paper, new crayons or markers, or kleenex so I send in fresh supplies, too!
Your fellow volunteer needs to learn how to set limits. During the many (many, many) years the Boys were in school I became great at saying “No, I don’t think that’s one for me” when asked to sponsor a dance, decorate for Christmas, etc. And because I was the first to agree to do the volunteer jobs that WERE for me (it didn’t bother me at all to do lice checks) I felt absolutely no guilt at turning down other “opportunities.” If volunteer jobs are something that need to be done, they will get done. And if they need to be paid, the school district will figure out how to pay for them. Decline without excuses, and without guilt. Also, learning how to set limits will serve your fellow volunteer well when her kids are teenagers. Just sayin’.
Ha, yes: she says her husband keeps saying to her “WHY DID YOU SAY YES TO THIS??”
I’ve always had a hard time saying no to requests for volunteering (or substitute work shifts) on the spot: it’s like in the moment I get the call, all the pro-social people-pleasing parts of my brain fire and all the “make sure you have time for yourself and to get other stuff done and aren’t committing to something you’ll hate” parts shut down. Years ago I made a policy of never responding right away to a request. The answer is ALWAYS, “let me check my calendar and get right back to you!” That gives me the space I need to reflect on whether it’s something I really want to do. And I do get right back to them, usually within half an hour. It’s been a sanity-saving policy multiple times.
That’s a really good idea. I have that same problem: I can INTEND to say no, but when someone I know/like is asking me, my brain does the same thing yours does.
YES. Because what if I say no and the person stops liking me? EVERYONE is supposed to like me!! I would do anything to be rid of the part of my brain that goes into full blown anxiety mode whenever I think someone doesn’t like me.
It’s also useful because it creates the impression, without ever saying so, that if you can’t do it it’s because of a scheduling conflict.
In a fit of enthusiasm, I went out for the “parent council” meetings (my school’s version of the PTA) at the beginnning of the year when my oldest started school. After several meetings it became obvious to me that, while they wanted me to volunteer on all their pet projects, 1) they had no interest in pursuing any ideas or listening to any input that I brought to the table and 2) they were a long-standing clique that I had zero chance to break into. My husband offered to help out with one initiative and they never followed through and took him up on it. After 3 or 4 meetings I never went back.
I do get the impression that all parents like me are considered “slackers”, but I suspect that everyone outside the clique is tarred with that brush, so at least I’m lumped in with the vast majority of parents at the school. I wonder if they know that if they were more welcoming, there’d be more hands available to spread the work between…
When we were looking to move, we specifically avoided anything within the boundaries for a school with the same reputation- mommy wars/cliques/mean girls crap. It was hard, because it is otherwise a good school with a good reputation, and there was one house we really liked in those boundaries, but I just can’t. I’m a socially anxious freak under the best circumstances, I just cannot, with that garbage. (and honestly, whenever people stay away from events at our preschool, I never judge for that same reason- sometimes people just feel too shy/anxious about trying to break into the crowd, so they just stay away completely. There are so many reasons why people don’t volunteer and I think “I don’t feel like helping out” is extremely far down the list.)
Also (and clearly I feel slightly defensive about this), I don’t let my kid participate in fundraisers like chocolate bar sales, but we donate the equivalent of the profit for a case of chocolate bars instead, buy a few of anything that does get flogged by the school, send in donations for the many, many causes the school wants to support throughout the eyar, and we attend fundraising events and spend/donate at these. As was said by someone else in the comments on the previous post on volunteering, thank goodness we have the means to provide some monetary support since we’re short on both time and interest in being physically at the school helping out. (I asked my husband if he wanted to go to “rise and rake” to spruce up the playground this weekend and his response? “Good grief no! I have little enough time and too much I need and want to do to spend my Saturday doing THAT!” I totally don’t blame him because he is absolutely right. And why isn’t grounds maintenance covered by the school budget?)
I’m on my fourth year of volunteering at Oldest’s school (his first two years there I did nothing because I was pregnant and then had a new born and then I returned to work and all was insanity, but I digress). At Oldest’s school I’d say about 5-10% of the parents do almost all of the volunteer work and for the most part they seem to only do as much as they are able. However, it was really important for me to establish boundaries and stick to “no” when asked to do more than I could do. A good way for me to think about it and to say no was to add that because whatever I had said no to was more than I had time for, I would do a horrible job and everyone, including me, would be disappointed.
That said, I actually like volunteering. I meet other parents, I help out the school, I get information I might otherwise not get. If I didn’t work FT, I would volunteer more.
The boundaries issue has arisen in any context — paid or volunteer — that I’ve ever been in. In any setting, if you’re competent and eager to please, you’ll be in high demand. Which is nice and flattering, but requires swift and clear boundary-setting. It’s VERY hard as a natural people-pleaser to feel ok about saying no, but it REALLY IS both necessary and perfectly ok. If this does happen to you where suddenly you’re being called upon for everything under the sun, they’re not going to dislike you for saying no. As I always remind myself, they’d rather have a competent, non-overwhelmed person helping out only on her own terms than a completely swamped, martyrous person who is stretched beyond her means.
Yes. This is what I wanted to say, but Lawyerish says it better than what I was writing.
I volunteered when my kids were in school and I enjoyed it. I did feel like I could have been sucked into spending all day, every day there, though, if I had let myself say yes to everything.
I find myself saying too often, “when I was a kid.” But really, when I was a kid every elementary teacher had an aide who was paid minimum wage and was there several days a week. Aides graded, ran dittos, put packets together, hung bulletin boards, etc. Now elementary teachers only seem to have an aide if a specific child’s IEP requires it. My mom started as a teacher’s aide when I was in second grade and then she went back to college for an education degree and now she’s about to retire from 25 year of teaching and loving every minute of it. That would not have happened for her without getting to try it out as an aide.
I have lots of thoughts on this, most of which boil down to “it depends.” It depends on whose leading your volunteers, it depends on how touchy your average parent is, it depends on how good the communication is, it depends on what expectations are being set.
For background, I live in a neighborhood that is by far the largest included in my kids’ elementary school district; it’s also at the upper end of the economic range of the students and it has a higher percentage of families with one parent at home (without a newborn) and therefore supplies most of the during-the-school day volunteers. I served on the PTA board for 2 years, partly because I felt like I (as a SAHM) had a responsibility to take on roles a working parent couldn’t. I was shocked in that 2nd year to learn that my neighborhood was perceived as a clique that wanted to be in charge; the people I knew (who supposedly made up this clique) had tried to reach out to other parents with little response. We knew each other, so when we had a desperate need, guess who we called?
There were only 2 types of parents that I (and my fellow always-there volunteers) ever looked down on. One, the ones who regularly promised to do/send things and then didn’t. (Once or twice? No biggie. Every time? Just stop making promises we both know you won’t keep.) Two, the ones who complained about everything we did, but never volunteered to help or offered constructive advice on how it could be better. (Something didn’t go right and you have an idea for how to prevent that next time? Please share. But don’t just post on Facebook that “the PTA has ruined my week again.”)
We have a principal who insists that everything the PTA does be vetted by her; this sometimes feels overly draconian, but if anyone asked a volunteer to clean a spill or make a sandwich, heads would roll! We have a PTA president who practically lives at the school — she should be following up with the lack of volunteer situation for your coworker.
I just recently completed organizing and hosting our school May Faire–it was fun and a lot of work fortunately I ENJOY it so I said yes to doing it-actually volunteered to do it…BUT what I wanted to say is our kids go to a charter school (not a FOR PROFIT charter school just a regular public school started by parents type of thing) and we are the school districts bastard child they ALLOWED us to become a school but ream us every which way to monday we can’t even get furniture we have to buy it out of our budget–we didn’t event have a playground for two years so finally we got a grant and built this thing but again no help front the district at all–it took thousands of volunteer hours to make this happen and we found a great program called “help desk” and it is a way for parents to say hey I LIKE to these things —, —, — and especially ————! Do not call me for —— and —– and ——-! It’s a great way to match the volunteers with what they like to do I would rather bake a cake or bring in a pot of soup that got to a filed trip and there are others who feel baking cookies would kill them but a hiking trip is right up there alley–if you can match the person to the job it’s always so much more effective–we’re still figuring out how to contact people and ask for what we need rather than tap the same over worked volunteers time and again BUT it’s made a huge difference just in getting people involved! well now I’ve written a novella and I need to go play Hera for the school pentathlon (my kind of job job, smiting kids who didn’t practice!) cheers!
My school district’s volunteer system sounds completely different from what you are describing. The PTA does look for volunteers for each of the things they do. I know there are moms who volunteer to do everything and then complain how no one else does. I help when I can. but don’t feel bad about saying no to them. I try to do 1 or 2 things for the PTA per school year. My children’s teachers ask for volunteers to help in the classroom and I am totally on board for that!! I love getting to know the teacher better throughout the year and getting to see my kid in their school habitat. Then the “specials teachers” (art, music, PE) ask for volunteers about once a year (for the art show, music concert, and Jump Rope for Heart). I pick and choose those, but usually do 2 of the 3 that are offered. I don’t really feel pressured to volunteer more, everyone is very grateful for the help I do give.
Today I volunteered in my 5th grader’s class. I made copies for the teacher and set up some reading questions for the kids to access from Google Drive on their tablets. Then, I helped the art teacher for an hour and a half by hanging art in the hallways for the upcoming art show. I may go in one or two more times to help her teacher, I am going to miss her! She is moving to a different school in the district next year. It is rare for me to have such a close relationship with my kids’ teachers and with a few it has been harder for me to move on than my kids!
BTW, if any teacher asked me to make them a sandwich, I would faint dead on the floor. There is no way I would do that. That is akin to an admin assistant having to make coffee for a boss, but she gets paid to do that!
Your idea for paid “volunteers” is genius.
I am so glad that you are writing about these kinds of things because I am not quite there yet (kindergarten next year!) and hearing about your experiences is teaching me exactly what kinds of things I want to do at the school and what kinds of things I need to be aware of before it starts happening to me.
I just want to say, that I, nor anyone I know personally, look down on anyone for not volunteering – I did not mean for it to come off that way. I just meant to say that I know how volunteering can sometimes seem overwhelming with projects needing done. Sorry if I offended anyone!
I would never look down on the working moms for not being able to come in…quite frankly, I am amazed at how they have to juggle their schedules to come in for all the class performances that are inconveniently placed in the middle of the day (why my kids’ father has missed so many things). And the half days. And the random days off in the middle of the week. And the sick kid days. And on and on…
I think volunteering would be better if we just took a step back and didn’t do everything 120% over the top. Do we really need an elementary yearbook that is 116 full color pages, complete with baby photos and cute quotes and on and on? Don’t we realize somewhere in the back of our heads that it is just going to end up on a dusty bookshelf somewhere, overshadowed by the high school year book? (says the overworked yearbook volunteer over here…) I feel like one enthusiastic volunteer who loved page layout created this incredible yearbook 10 years ago, and now that is the standard set for all future volunteers. Not fair. Enjoy the parents’ gifts while you have them, and then leave room for the new parents to do what THEY love doing and help the school at the same time. Just sayin’.
100% This! The lifecycle of things at Oldest’s school seems to be: (1) someone starts some small volunteering idea that would be nice for teachers/kids but it’s no big deal; (2) later someone else takes on that thing and loves doing it so much that it gets blown WAY up into a much bigger thing; (3) bigger version of thing becomes the norm and all subsequent volunteers tasked with the thing are overwhelmed, do it one time, and run far far away; (4) someone reasonable finally says the thing has become way too big and onerous and scales it back and then we are back to stage 1 at which point either the entire cycle repeats or the thing eventually dies out entirely and is forgotten. If we could just avoid Step 2 on all things, it would be easier for everyone!
While I’m sympathetic to the basic idea of paying short-term laborers, our school system doesn’t pay its teachers enough and I’d rather the money go to them. Also, I’d guess schools do sometimes hire short-term workers through temp agencies or an internal system (I am pretty sure ours do when the EOG tests roll in). OTOH having volunteered with various causes over the years, I do have a firm sense that a vast number of organizations do not do a good job of coordinating their volunteers’ expertise or availability, in part because it’s free. I have and do volunteer in our schools and find that they do a decent, if not great, job where I live.
Our school’s got bunches of volunteer opportunities but also accepts monetary donations. I don’t have time to do lots of volunteering and DH won’t do it (though he is SAH) unless it involves something like, “Bring some healthy snacks to drop off.” So we (mostly I) volunteer, but we also send money.
I work full time and I volunteer a lot, not only at our school but for other causes I care about. It is very true that once people find out you will work for free your phone pretty much rings off the hook. Also volunteers are hard to find and lots of people promise but don’t deliver, so you get to learn who’s dependable and who’s willing and that’s where you head first. That is true of every organization I have been a part of, but even still I read this post with my mouth pretty much hanging open. Our public school is small (only 125 students) and most of the staff have been with us long term, they are always helpful and incredibly appreciative. I can’t imagine being treated that way as a volunteer nor treating my volunteers in that way. I organize several events for different organizations through the year and as an organizer I realize how precious volunteers are. I’m also not one to hold a grudge if you are unable to help out with a function for any reason and just a no, I’m sorry I can’t help out is a perfectly acceptable response.
I am staring in disbelief over the teacher asking your friend to make her a sandwich. Seriously???
I should clarify (both here and in the post) that the sandwich incident isn’t at all typical: the request was made by a teacher known to be…exceptional…in her behavior. Another example about this same teacher is that when a certain book was sold out at the book fair, she came to complain about it to the volunteer (who had nothing to do with how many of each book was available or how many children happened to purchase it that year)—not just once, but every hour or so throughout the entire school day, and then the next day as well (“I just don’t understand WHY you are out of that book”), to the point where there was/is speculation about mental illness. So she’s not at all typical; the example was just Too Good/Horrifying to resist mentioning.
Where my kids attend school, each family is required to volunteer 10 hours during the school-year, then 5 hours working a shift at the Summer festival. We laughingly/lovingly refer to it as being “voluntold” in our household. There are several events/opportunities to work (volunteer): monthly market day sales, fish fry during Lent, “cash bash,” Big luncheon Affair thingie, pancake breakfast, Scrip gift card sales. There are also a few jobs that people can do from home (being a chairperson for Campbells soup labels, or box tops, or any number of those types of collection fundraisers that pop up). Any volunteering within the classroom (checking papers, sharpening pencils, chaperoning field trips) do not count towards your 10 hours. I think you are charged $15/hour for the time you don’t complete. We also have a $400/family annual fundraising assessment so we’re constantly selling (buying) stuff. It’s a small Catholic school, and it seems pretty much the norm anymore. The cafeteria helpers do get paid (there’s some district ruling on that, as the cafe employees are employed by the school district, not the school… at least I think).
We both work full-time, so I generally try to get my hours in 2-3 hr increments at various events. My husband works the summer festival shift.
That said, there are still a small percentage of mostly moms who run *many* of the BIG events – and they are surely putting in far more than 10 hours each year.
I have done some volunteering through my child’s elementary school years, and I’d say the only “working” parents who annoyed me were those who signed up for something and then didn’t show (there is an annual Saturday festival involving games the parents run, and some would sign the sheet for a half-hour turn and then not bother to show up, leaving one parent running the game for hours at a time), and the ones who didn’t pick their kids up on time from something like Girl Scouts (assuming, apparently, that the troop leaders wouldn’t like to go home, already). So, I guess, I mean the parents who think SAHMs are there for their convenience and not out of the kindness of their own hearts. Hey, I like your kid, but not as much as you hopefully do!
My kid’s school, public school, I might add, uses a different educational model than the rest of the district. It’s a lottery to get in and requires, by contract, 10 hours of parent volunteer time. I was nervous that I’d have a hard time meeting that as a working parent, so I frontloaded what I could. My FIRST day as a volunteer, I was asked to make 10 copies. Of a single sided piece of paper. It took me longer to drive to school, get badged in, find a copier code than it would have taken for the teacher to walk to the copy room and do it herself. I was then asked to go and pick up this teacher’s lunch. I was skeptical, but didn’t want to make waves. Turns out picking up the teacher’s lunch involves driving to a restaurant, ordering her complex lunch, and PAYING for it-not moseying down to the cafeteria. Needless to say, that was my last time just saying sure, put me to work. Now I volunteer for specific projects with specific time frame or specific needs and that’s it. I have no problem giving time, money, or resources to help the kids–but tacos for the teacher didn’t accomplish that.
I should clarify, the lunch incident was not my child’s primary teacher, but a specials teacher that she sees once a week. I have no problem taking the woman who lovingly spends 8 hours a day shaping my six year old into a decent citizen lunch on her birthday or teacher appreciation day or any other day that she needed. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for her after what my child has put her through this year, starting with the wailing at being left at school to becoming so overconfident we’ve had to have the bossy, bully talk with her.
At my daughter’s school, which was K-12-we had to sign a contract every year saying we would volunteer so many hours, and they had a sheet of volunteer opportunities you could check. As the years went by, I worked in the classroom, I drove for every single field trip, I worked at the book fairs and school carnivals. The last few years, I came into contact with a volunteer parent, fairly new to the school-who made volunteering very difficult. The last time she called me to volunteer, I said “no.” I didn’t make an excuse, I didn’t apologize. When she went a bit further I just said “no, that won’t work for me, goodbye”. I came to the conclusion, I didn’t like her-so what do I care if she likes me? I always fulfilled my contract, but I no longer went out of my way to volunteer for every single thing. I know I put in my time, above and beyond-but saying no like that, without excuses-was actually really empowering for me.