A woman in a group I’ve been getting together with for well over a year now is leaving her husband. As you can imagine, this is a riveting piece of news for the whole group. I was pleased that all but one person had what I would consider a good response to the announcement (variations on the themes of sympathy, concern, hugs, supportive remarks, offers of help, non-pushy and sympathetic questions), and that the only person with the bad response is the one group member I don’t like. You know how people will make lists of things NOT to say to someone going through something hard? I hate those lists: I always open them eagerly, thinking finally I will know The Right Thing to Say—and then they contain ALL THE POSSIBLE RESPONSES, INCLUDING NO RESPONSE, all marked as Wrong, each with the intended meaning wrung out of it so that it now means something horrible and hurtful. But such lists ALSO contain a bunch of things that really no one should even be thinking about saying (“Oh! Well, in that case, do you mind if I date him?”), and she basically went down that list, including things such as, I am not even kidding: “No one ever leaves unless they’re having an affair. WHO IS IT??”
This woman gives the rest of us (well, or ME, at least) so many good character-improving negative examples. I suspect I was not the only one who was wondering if there were Someone Else, but the MINUTE The Woman I Don’t Like came up with that concept, I was completely unwilling to make such guesses/assumptions. “What a completely gross and ugly and pursed-lips thing for someone to assume!,” I thought, hurriedly scraping that guess out of my own mind, perhaps to lasting good effect. It’s a reason to keep this woman around.
I am nodding, and quizzically raising an eyebrow, with a knowing twinkle in my eye.
Yes, yes indeed we can all learn from bad examples as we clutch our pearls a bit. Or at least consider clutching them. Or at least realize we’d prefer to be the pearl clutching type, once things are said aloud.
I do this all the time with parenting! Someone I dislike or don’t know does something tempting-but-inappropriate (pretends she’s ignoring her child as a disciplinary measure after he throws sandbox sand into the wind, but clearly just doesn’t want to deal with her kid) and I feel both self-righteous and as if the temptation (to ignore my own kid’s transgressions) is at least diluted. I also agree that the negative example is a silver lining to keeping someone around–if there’s no polite way to get rid of them anyway!
I was sitting in a Kindermusik class once when another mom (who barely knew the teacher and in front of the whole circle of moms/nannies) asked the teacher why she only had one child. The teacher said after her daughter she’d had a miscarriage and was too devastated to try again, with a steely stare that was clearly meant to convey how inappropriate the question was, but which was probably ineffective with anyone who’d ask that in such a public environment. It wasn’t a one time thing either. During another class I heard her ask another mom where she worked and hearing she taught at a local university, she said, “That isn’t a very good school is it?” It isn’t, but who says that?
“… but which was probably ineffective with anyone who’d ask that in such a public environment.”
Sad, but so true!
Sometimes I think it’s unfortunate that we’re generally so polite and don’t call people out on their BS more often. Really, the teacher should have responded with, ‘I can see why you might be curious but it’s really none of your business,’ or something along those lines.
This reminds me of my old college friend who has adult Aspergers. She says she has to learn all the rules explicitly, because she doesn’t pick them up intuitively. Sometimes I just have to tolerate some of her blunt questions and comments, because I know she sometimes can’t help it. Not to say I haven’t sometimes gritted my teeth or frozen someone with a stare when they’ve asked a rude intrusive question! I just know some people don’t pick up social cues and are genuinely oblivious and/or unpracticed. With my friend, I sometimes just tell her right out that something sounds kinda rude or forward to talk about so she can add it to her list of things to not comment on!
People are so damn tacky and don’t even know it. She’s probably got her own secrets.
Well…I’ve never been one to ask a lot of questions, primarily because I’m painfully introverted. BUT I will say that having people like that around to ask me those tacky questions has ended up being sort of helpful. They’re rude questions, but once asked at least it opens the door for those kinds of things to be aired out and not feel like such a big deal/scandal/shame anymore, you know?
In this case I’d call it an accusation rather than a question. The tone added more shame/scandal: like, “WHO ARE YOU CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND WITH, YOU LYING CHEATER?? That’s what it ALWAYS IS with YOU HUSBAND-LEAVERS!!”
Yikes! That sounded inappropriate!
I’ve had really good luck with blandly saying something like: I don’t really like to talk about people/gossip/say bad things about people/make fun of people/speculate, etc. It calls out bad behavior, and indicates an unwillingness to participate, which often shuts people up, and if you’re lucky, causes them to reflect on their behavior for the better. I appreciate the people who have kindly called me on my poor behavior over the years. :)
I like how you have found a way to make her presence tolerable. When I meet inappropriate people I usually just thank the gods that I don’t have an unavoidable, closer relationship to them. But I like the way you turned it into a lesson to actually make yourself better. It’s this kind of next level thinking that makes me love your writing.
Aww, I feel bad for your friend who is leaving, having to put up with such a comment. People are nuts.
The other day, after I just met someone and my male boss was right next to me, I was asked if my baby was planned or not, because her birthday is so close to Christmas. I felt uncomfortable and didn’t really give any kind of an answer, which made me feel like a jackass because the person had offered up some personal info of their own. Ugh I hate these situations. And the crap thing is, I would have enjoyed having that conversation with her (ie- Danell’s comment), it’s just that my male boss was RIGHT there and I am not on that level with him.
Agree with you on the negative example, and the lists, but I’ve been mulling over this blog post by a woman I followed to her blog from a comment – the blog post was complaining about people asking her if she has children. Not why she doesn’t or anything, just if she has children. I kind of thought that was a pretty innocuous one – I have children, are you like me in that regard, or not? I understand that childless people get fed up with parents being child-centered, but that one has been bugging me. Although the kind of dumb thing is, I found her comment on the first blog’s post kind of annoying, and I find her whole personality from her blog kind of annoying, so I’m not even sure why I care so much – it’s not like “I like this person so much but this one thing is bugging me.” And now I’ve written a post on your post, and I”m annoying MYSELF. Early bedtime needed.
I have a lot of these negative example people in my moms club. Well, maybe not a lot but at least five. Luckily I don’t spend all that much time around them. And they do help me to be a better person.