I dreamed last night that I was considering a new romance, and then in the dream I remembered that I hadn’t worried about sexually-transmitted diseases or birth control for quite some time and would need to go back to worrying about them right that second. It was a startling and educational dream, though disappointingly low on entertainment value.
I’m still thinking about the dream this morning—how I COULD get pregnant from an affair, and how I might not even REMEMBER that little fact until rather late in the game. I think I’d been thinking without realizing it that the reason I didn’t take the Pill anymore is that I was past being able to have children, rather than that Paul was past being able to have children.
It reminds me too of the sexually-transmitted-diseases part of my annual exam, when the doctor asks if I’m in a monogamous relationship. I don’t know how to answer that question in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I think my husband is cheating on me. But I also don’t want them to assume that an individual person can know for sure if her relationship is monogamous or not. Let’s be trusting in love but not in check-ups, Doctor.
I suppose the doctors are a bit trapped, since they could get a very bad reaction from any other assumption. My favorite obstetrician was the one who asked within the first few minutes if my husband was the father of the baby, but not everyone likes the idea that that question could even be asked. It can be difficult to see the difference between questions asked for moral reasons (“Are you a LOOSE WOMAN??” “Is your husband CHEATING ON YOU??”) and questions asked for medical reasons (“Could you have been exposed to sexually-transmitted diseases? could your spouse have been?” “Is your husband’s medical history applicable to this pregnancy?”).
And not every doctor asks these questions as if there’s a difference. I liked the obstetrician for asking the question, but even more I liked that he asked it as matter-of-factly as he’d asked for my date of birth—and as if the follow-up to an answer of “no, he’s not” would have been an equally matter-of-fact question about whether any of the father’s medical history was known. He didn’t care at all about my MORAL choices, he was only interested in their MEDICAL consequences.
Anyway. I never know how to answer. “I am in a relationship in which one of the rules is monogamy, yes.” “As far as I know, ha ha ha.” “Maybe this will be the day you find something that tells me I’m not! Wouldn’t that be weird?” “I’m monogamous, yes, but I can’t speak for my husband. Er, not that I think he’s having an affair. I mean, he could be! How would I know? What are the statistics now, amirite? Don’t skip that part of the exam just on MY say-so. But he hasn’t been acting suspiciously or anything.”
Or when they ask “any chance you could be pregnant?” Of course I’m PROBABLY not, but if I’ve been sexually active since my last period and haven’t yet started my next period…who knows. I’m on the Pill but but I COULD still be pregnant.
Rachel, when my daughter was 2 days old I jumped up out of a chair too fast and passed out, spraining my ankle in the fall. At the emergency room, the tech threw a lead apron over me as he asked if there was any chance I could be pregnant. Perhaps it was due to the combination of hormones and nerves, but I started laughing and could not get control of myself. All the things I wanted to say (“feeling like I do DOWN THERE right now, 2 days after giving birth, you’re asking if I’m pregnant?”) I never was able to answer. My husband shot me a look and attempted to cover my giggles with an explanation.
Yes! Very similar situation for me a few weeks post birth and very loopy from no sleep! Except nurse asked twice if I was sure I wasn’t pregnant. I blurted out “you have to have sex to get pregnant right?” Luckily spouse was not there.
Rachel, yes, I was going to say the exact same thing!
“Is there any chance you could be pregnant?” “I don’t think I am, but of course there is a chance.”
How else am I supposed to answer this question honestly? This makes me batty, mostly because they seem befuddled when I can’t give a solid yes or no. You are a medical professional! You and I both know there is a chance!
Lol, one of my friends said the same thing when she needed an xray (of her foot). So then they wouldn’t do any X-rays until she signed a waiver.
The most disarming thing that happened during my pregnancy was when I went to L&D — before they let my husband into the room, the nurses asked me a bunch of questions to discern whether there might be an abuse situation. Obviously these must be standard protocol, but I’d never been asked any of those things in my life, and I wasn’t expecting it, and in the moment I wanted to show that I took them seriously yet I was so caught off-guard that I am sure I made a nervous titter and got red in the face and acted like a complete idiot. I think I actually WAVED the questions away and said something like, “OH, no, we’re FINE. He’s FINE. Heh heh heh!” Embarrassing.
I overthink those questions too. I mean, I trust my husband completely, but who can say!!!
I said “As far as I know!” once and got an odd look, so now I just say yes. lol
I’ve had similar conversations that Lawyerish has had–drs and nurses asking questions that clearly are meant to ascertain if there is any sort of abuse going on. (are you in control of your own medications? do you feel safe?) The irony is the last time I was asked about feeling safe it was right before I was about to have a cyst in my breast aspirated and I was like–at home yes, right now–well I guess I have to trust you know what you’re doing.
At my first appointment of this pregnancy (with my husband there!) the nurse explained some insurances won’t pay for gonorrhea tests anymore (without a reason) and did I want to have a routine one anyway? Since I had all the tests during my other two pregnancies and I certainly *think* we’ve both been monogamous since I was all “I don’t think we need that, *nervous laughter*, right honey?” And what was he supposed to say?! Oh, uh, actually…
When I had my last baby (#3) she was born very quickly so that the nurse was unable to ask any of the regular protocol questions they usually ask when you first get there until after the baby was born. Well, after the baby was born my dad was in the room and she just went right on with all the drug-related questions, abuse questions, sexual history questions, etc. I answered very quietly and was wishing that either my dad wasn’t so dense and realize he should excuse himself or that she had waited until a more private moment. Luckily my honest answers did not reveal any secrets (no drug use/abuse, etc). But if I had some of those things going on that pertained to my medical situation I don’t think most people would reveal those answers in front of their dad. Anyway. Your post made me think of that.
I’m pretty sure that’s really illegal and violates a ton of patient privacy laws. You should have sued!
I really hate the “any chance you could be pregnant?” question because even if you say no, THEY NEVER BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY.
I have to admit that one of the most pleasing elements of my divorce from Scott was the fact that he absolutely REFUSED to get a vasectomy (I got the Essure procedure instead), and now…yeah. Enjoy that one, buddy.
“Let’s be trusting in love, but not in check-ups, Doctor” is going to be my new standard answer to those sorts of questions. And possibly my new favorite phrase.
Me too!
Props to Planned Parenthood (my only source of medical care for MANY years) on this front. One their standard questions is, “How many partners have you had in the past 30 days?” And once, my answer was nonstandard. Without missing a beat, the nurse moved on to the next question, phrasing it, “And do you feel safe and non threatened in each of those relationships?” No judgement, no blush-inducing stammering. You’re already poking around my guts, man; no need to sort through my life, too.
I once fainted at work. The EMTs asked me in front of my boss if I had any medical conditions. I told them that I was 10 weeks pregnant and _then_ they asked my boss to give us some privacy. Of course, I had not yet announced my pregnancy. Luckily it was a planned pregnancy and I had already had an ultrasound that detected heartbeat. but still. They did have the grace to apologize.
OK, so TWO experiences that are backward from those others describe above, yet just as annoying in their own way. One: I fall and break arm very badly / require surgery / post surgery am dealing with not being able to shower fully yet, etc., plus in desperate need of a haircut and just generally still in a lot of pain and not sleeping. I go in to have an x-ray and the technician DOESN’T offer me a lead apron so I ask for one and she says, “Oh, sure, but I usually only offer them to women of childbearing age.” UM, WTF? For the record, at the time I was 41 (and yes, I blame my scruffy state, but — STILL). I was NOT AMUSED.
Two, my husband had had a vasectomy (before I met him) and reversal that didn’t work and we underwent lots of IVF to conceive our son — all using, erm, stuff that had been, ah, cryopreserved after being retrieved at the same time as his reversal surgery (me to urologist, pre-op appt.: “While you’re in there…”). But in spite of the fact that the stuff had been retrieved and frozen in 2002 and our son was conceived in 2006 (and I did my last IVF attempt in 2008), they always required that DH had current (not more than one year old) negative sexually transmitted disease test results on file before they’d do IVF. Such a nuisance. And they’d tell me it was required because — regardless of the condition of the sample (which, remember, had been in their possession since 2002) — what if DH was positive and therefore a threat to my health? And I always wanted to say, “Oh, for Pete’s sake, if that’s your concern you should be testing my lover, not my husband!” But I always restrained myself. Barely.
I notice the same leading questions when they ask about drug/alcohol use/abuse. The right, non-judgy way to ask the question is: “how many drinks have you had in the last week?”
But they often just make assumptions and say something like “any problems with alcohol” or “no alcohol or drug abuse, right”? People have varying definitions of what is “problematic” drinking and I think they could do a much better job of screening if this question were left open ended. But assumptions are faster. And doctors are so busy ….
I normally answer the “any chance you’re pregnant?” Question with “not as far as I know” or “I don’t think so but I guess it’s possible”. The one time I answered with a very definitive “no”…I was pregnant. I was at the doctor for something completely unrelated and thought I had my period (spotting) at the time, turns out it was implantation or breaktgrough bleeding. Luckily they did a pregnancy test anyway despite my confident answer (why do they even ask if they’re going to test regardless??), and that’s how I found out. It was quite a shock, but a good one! I’m laying next to my beautiful 5 month old right now!!
I had one of those conversations but this one was more awkward for the doctor than for me. I already knew my (now ex-)husband had cheated on me, and I came in for something that seemed to be chlamydia. The doctor asked me about the symptoms, then if I was in a ‘long-term committed relationship’ – to which my answer was yes (it was supposed to be, again). When she hesitatingly started saying ‘well, maybe you need to talk to your husband…’ I actually had to reassure her ‘it’s ok, I already know’. Can only imagine how happy she was that she didn’t have to break the news to me!
I’m trying to remember the last time I was asked the monogamous question – I probably just said yet – but after reading what you wrote and your very valid point, if I was asked it now, I think I would say, in a very matter of fact tone, “I believe so”.