I took the kids to get their flu shots the other day, which caused quite a sensation. I forget how MANY of them there are until people are staring and I’m thinking, “WHAT?? …Oh yeah.” The funny thing is that I feel the same way when I see someone out with three or four kids, or when I see Christmas card photos with three or four kids: I look at them like, “Whoo, that is a LOT of kids!”
Anyway. I have a tip to pass on, from the nurse. Passing on this tip involves by necessity passing on a compliment someone gave me and the children, and I realize that’s a special kind of annoying, but I request that you allow it to slide this one time because of the potential benefits involved if you end up finding this tip helpful. OR: allow it to slide because you already do the same thing, so the praise also applies to you. OR: allow it to slide because I will do NO preening and I will remain utterly aware that for every compliment someone gives me about parenting there are a hundred others thinking something vicious about it. Also: I think it’s a tip pretty much everyone already knows.
Where was I? Oh, yes. The nurse was giving the shots one after another and she and I were getting a really efficient assembly-line style going. She praised how well the children were doing, and then she said, “It makes ALL the difference that you’re being all matter-of-fact and we’re-just-getting-this-done about it. We get parents in here who are like, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Mommy’s sorry!!’—and it’s just a MESS. It freaks the kids out, they think something horrible must be happening.”
So! A parenting tip from me and a pediatric nurse: act NONCHALANT. Callous, if you will. If you would like to copy me exactly, you should add a layer of grim assumption that the children will be awful and embarrassing despite the firm and scary lecture delivered beforehand in the car; plus a layer of feeling self-conscious about having so many children, taking up so much of the waiting room, generating so much paperwork, etc.; plus a layer of feeling like an idiot because in your distraction you called a child by the wrong name TWICE (“Willi…Henr…EDWARD”) AND got the age order wrong, right in front of the nurse. Putting your mind on yourself really helps you ignore the children!
Which is not to say you necessarily CAN apply this tip even if you WANT to. (PLUS, it fails to solve the issue of all the children who are going to lose their flip no matter HOW calm the parent is.) When I took Edward for his first blood draw, I knew my own calmness was a Key Element. And then who do you think could barely even talk to him because she was choking so hard, tears running down her cheeks as the nurses looked grim and disapproving and like they were inwardly rolling their eyes at stupid hysterical parents making everything so much worse? That’s right. I should have brought the other four kids with me to achieve the necessary level of detachment.
Also, here is the annual reminder (which most of you don’t even need so you’re free to go do something else now) that stomach flu is not flu. I know, they CALL it flu! It’s so silly! But it’s not flu. “Flu” is short for “influenza,” which is a respiratory illness: like a cold, but EXTREME. Stomach flu is a completely unrelated category of illnesses related to the digestive system. I think it’s fine to call a stomach ailment “stomach flu,” because that’s just how the language shook out there, and because a lot of the time we don’t even know if what we had was a virus or food poisoning or what. What I DON’T think is fine is “Oh my god, the whole family has stomach flu!! Stupid useless flu shot!!” The flu shot may reduce a person’s chances of getting influenza but it will do THING ZERO about the completely unrelated categories of stomach bugs and food poisoning.
I cannot count the number of times I have gently corrected people when they say something about the flu shot and then proceed to discuss the stomach flu. It makes me feel like such an insufferable know-it-all. I thought it was just common knowledge but…it’s not.
I am the worst when a baby gets shots. The screaming plus the assist with holding the arms. Gah, I am one of those mothers saying I am so sorry. But that’s to a baby. With my older one, I am more, this helps you and you are getting it and we are done discussing. Then afterward I might say something along the lines of “I know that hurts so much and I’m sorry it hurts” and apply hugs and cookies.
Yes! Yes to all of this. Get the shot, and don’t make a big thing of it. And that applies to adults as well.
I have a child that gets all ramped up almost in inverse proportion to how calm I am around her. Oh it is no big deal, I’ll say. And she’ll FLIP OUT. However, the nasal mist has been a godsend in this regard.
I also have to say: I got the flu (the real influenza flu) in 2000 and Holy MOLY am I never wanting that again. Try 2 full weeks of feeling like all your energy had been drained and feeling like getting up to get a juice from the kitchen (juice and soup being all I ate for a week) was more than I could do. My husband caught it from me that year. We flipped to see who would go to the store for more juice, kleenex, and soup. I lost and to this day I remember sobbing in the aisles because I just wanted to sleep.
Flu shot every year since then…. Got mine a week ago. Kids and husband get theirs tomorrow.
Thank you on the influenza/flu thing. This is one of my pet peeves every year around this time. I can’t believe I had a stomach flu after the flu shot. What a waste of time. Um, no! No! Many no’s.
Plus the added problem of the flu/flu challenge is when another parent says their kids have the flu. And your kids just had a play date with them. Then I have to politely inquire, “oh, like throwing up? or like fever and chills and head stuff?” Otherwise I don’t know what symptoms to worry MY child is about to come down with.
The flu thing kills me every damn time. I just told a coworker the other day that Lucy had a fever and aches and a cough, hasn’t had a flu shot yet, etc., and she said “Well if they aren’t barfing and have a cough, it’s not the flu it’s a chest cold.” And then I stabbed her.
This is great advice.
I just had the stomach “flu” and if there were a shot to prevent that I’d get 11 of ’em. I seriously did not know people confused these two things. How disturbingly and annoyingly bizarre. Around here every 5th person has me wishing it were socially acceptable to drop kick people when they tell me that they ALWAYS get the flu from the flu shot. You know, how they also ALWAYS get polio from the polio shot, too. That polio, it’s practically epidemic around here… oh wait…
Those are the same people who confuse having the flu with having a cold. They make me nuts.
THANK YOU for saying that, it drives me crazy when people say they have the flu when it’s a stomach bug. Or stomach flu, if you will. Sometimes it feels like willful ignorance, you know? It’s not the flu. The flu shot does nothing for barfing emergencies.
Also? Yes. Detachment. I know so many who become near-hysterical over various parenting things and then are astonished about the hysteria of their offspring.
I wonder what it means that I’m callous and nonchalant about everything already? It did not prevent the 10yo from screaming bloody murder for her ONE shot last summer and freaking the hell out of the 5yo that was much more calm and getting FOUR shots and thought her older sister was insane. I hope it doesn’t mean i don’t care, because I do, just not very much about things like two second shots. I do not confuse the stomach flu with influenza and we don’t get flu shots at my house, but I might be first in line if there was a shot for the stomach barfing problems.
Oh, how wonderful to hear/see you put the “stomach flu” thing in writing. Not the flu! At all! I am kind of baffled about how many people are un/misinformed about the distinction. Also, my husband is one of those who INSISTS that the flu shot makes you sick and EVERY YEAR I have to calmly (this takes a great deal of effort) point out that oh, hey, it’s been 4 days since we all got flu shots and no one got sick at all! Isn’t that weird since it’s not a live viral vaccine!
On the other advice thing, I very much appreciate both the calmness and your purported reason behind your calmness. I feel like I have enough children to distract me and I’m only at 2 currently. I am also very matter-of-fact and do not hide/surprise my 4 year old with upcoming shots. “Yes, you will get shots. Three of them. Yep, it will hurt, but not for too long. Yes, it’s okay to cry, but you will still get the shots and then it will be over and then we will get ice cream.” He is the personality type to like to know what’s coming, so my daughter may not respond so well to that, but that is our approach. I can vividly remember my parents keeping doctor visits and shots a secret from me until the needle was coming at my arm/leg and it was basically terrible.
Hurray for flu shots!
I learned that lesson when my firstborn was seven months old and burned his hand on the open oven door. Ugh. It was so awful. He crawled over and slapped his hand on the door to pull himself up and the moment I heard that little gasp from the level of my calf, I realized what was happening while I was stirring the potatoes.
Anyhow, I took him into the emergency room, and I was sitting there, weeeeeeeping while a nurse examined his hand. She looked at me and said sternly, “You’re making this worse for him, you know. You need to pull yourself together.”
She was right, but kind of mean too.
Eighteen years of shots and accidents and one broken bone later, I have the calm “yep, this will hurt a little, but then it will be over” attitude down cold. And it never occurred to me to feel anything but shame over that, because of that one. stupid. emergency. room. visit.
Damn right, it’s a good thing to do. Saves a lot of heartache for everyone. And dammit, I do that for my kids. Ha! Take that, cranky nurse!
I love this, all of it. I am going to practice the ULTIMATE in Doctor’s Visit Detachment when the baby has her four month shots: I will be at work and my husband will take her. (Let HIM be calm and collected while his tiny baby girl screams in pain and betrayal!)
I agree 100%. With both my kids it’s always worked best to say something like “You are getting a shot today. Yes, it will hurt a little and then it will be over.” They are not thrilled to get the shot, but they are not surprised by either the fact of the shot or the brief pain. Actively suppressing my desire to freak out when my kids hurt themselves may have been one of the best parenting techniques I’ve learned. It can be tough, but it almost always pays off in less upset for everyone involved.
Bribing them beforehand helps too. LOL Especially at the 4 year check up! At C’s recent 5 year check up I had told him beforehand there would be no shots and forgot all about the finger prick for iron levels. He did fine, but wouldn’t speak to me for 3 hours. Oops.
I had to take all the kids with me too, and I TOTALLY get the taking up all the room/in the way/so many children frets!
I’m all about the calm detachment but unfortunately mine wail and moan no matter what. And they’re 9 and almost 12! Ok, they don’re really wail but there’s a fair amount of whining and moaning. Though I think that probably has its incarnation in the fact that their mother is a hysterical hypochondriac and I’m sure did the high drama thing for their shots when they were little.
I am an evil stepmother who made everyone get flu shots (the dr’s office was out of the mist) this year since their baby brother will be making his appearance any day now and I am NOT having risking the flu with a tiny infant around. I mentioned it to my mom and she said, “Oh I don’t trust the flu shot! I think it gives you the flu.” Le sigh. Another thing in addition to the flu/stomach bug thing is that the shots only protect against that year’s most prevalent strains of the virus. So yes, it’s possible that you may still get another strain of the flu, but you’re much safer from getting the flu than if you hadn’t had the shot.
I did a stint as a flu shot nurse so I am glad to see you are out there doing the legwork for my CAUSE.
Here in Australia it’s never called stomach flu at all, it’s just gastro! And shots are called needles, and I never tell my kids about them in advance; my super cooperative GP has always managed to sneak them in without the kid even realising. After the 4 year old ones, my daughter looked at herself in the car on the way home and said- why do I have bandaids on my arms?