I have started the menopause book recommended by the nurse-practitioner at my OB/GYN, and I am having mixed feelings. The author is Not My Type, and nor is her ex-husband, and in fact I would be mincing rapidly away from either of them if I encountered them in a social or work setting. And so when she is describing how their marriage fell apart due in part to menopause, I have to do extra work to separate out the actual point of the story from the parts catching my attention, which are things such as him saying he hates when she acts disempowered, and her saying he should be more supportive of her truth, and me thinking “I would divorce BOTH of you without even FLINCHING.”
So what happens is I skip ahead a few chapters, because I think, “This part about marriage readjustments is making me dislike her, and I don’t want to dislike her because I want to glean usefulness from this book, so I will skip this part.” But then as I’m skipping ahead, something useful catches my eye and I think “Well, it DOES make sense that the marriage would need to adjust to the new stage of life…,” and then I have to go back to see what she’s talking about, and before I know it I’m back to where I started skipping. And then a minute later I’m wondering if she and I are too different for me to apply her advice to my life anyway.
Another big issue is that the author and I are not of like minds on the subject of what causes what, medically speaking. Certainly I allow room for the idea that one day in the future it will be proven scientifically that uterine fibroids occur when a woman has been prevented from giving birth to something creative and powerful, or that acne occurs as a literal manifestation of something metaphorical “getting under our skin.” In the meantime, I am not following along—and such things form a strong foundation for the book. If you stop taking care of your husband the way you did when you were in your mother role, he may get heart disease or high blood pressure in unintentional revenge—that sort of thing. It makes me wonder if I should even bother to look up her take on the physical changes I’m curious about. If I try to look up this hair-thinning-at-one-temple situation to see if it’s from hormonal changes or if it’s because I grew my hair longer/heavier and I’m wearing it up, am I going to find information about how this is really my body’s way of communicating to me that I am metaphorically “pulling out my hair,” and that it’s because I’m struggling to style my old dead strands of creative energy when I should be “cutting away” the old stage of life and welcoming the new growth?
But then I got to the part about how many women have trouble switching from “the mothering stage” to “whatever is next,” and so they try to prolong the mother stage and delay decisions/adjustments about the next stage by having more children, or by adopting more children, or by getting very involved in their children’s activities, or by taking care of their grandchildren, or by over-mothering their grown children, and I thought, “That does make a certain level of sense, and also I recognize that category of impulse.” So in short, I’m still reading, but Paul is getting tired of hearing me read sections aloud in that tone of voice.
Ugh, she sounds like a kook. I wonder if you’re heard of any other books about perimenopause that are more helpful and less new age-y. When I started getting hot flashes a few years ago, my GYN (who was otherwise terrific) told me it was “impossible” because I was “too young” and still on the pill at that time. She even had me get thyroid blood tests and so forth – all normal. The nurse practitioner who I see now is much more understanding, but I’d love to read something that addresses all the strange new symptoms I’m experiencing.
Try 34-menopause-symptoms.com. My OB/GYN recommended that site to me after I had an emergency hysterectomy after the birth of my third child. It’s been a major help giving me overviews of my crazy symptoms.
OMG this is what I thought too, so that’s why I didn’t “read” it. I use it solely as a reference so when I encounter something or wonder about something, I’ll go to the glossary, find what I need and read the parts I want to read. I will say, though, that approach can be daunting if the subject is too broad because the number of references is so huge. I feel safer using the book than using the internet because I am a worry wart.
I have no opinions on the book (ok, that’s not true. She sounds far too “earthy” for my liking), but my new stock answer whenever two disagreeing people ask my opinion is going to be, “I would divorce BOTH of you without even FLINCHING.” (I laughed aloud – sitting at my desk at work – when I go to that line. Thanks for that.)
WHAT.
The proportion of crazy to useful sounds WAY off what I would expect from a book recommended by a pro. I wish I had experience with an alternative I could recommend!
Throw that book away, immediately. It’s giving me hot flashes just hearing about it and its uselessness.
Anything I have ever read by that author, or heard her say, or even quotes attributed to her has made me think there is no f***ing way that woman is an MD, and furthermore she’s just a crazy nut. Not that I have a strong opinion or anything.
This post is perfect in every way. Favorite part: “Certainly I allow room for the idea that one day in the future it will be proven scientifically that uterine fibroids occur when a woman has been prevented from giving birth to something creative and powerful, or that acne occurs as a literal manifestation of something metaphorical ‘getting under our skin.'”
Truly, you are the best writer in the whole of the Internet.
Agreed!
I read a book like this once, (not about menopause, but it was about pregnancy/personal life experience) where the woman was just so assholeish–but not like overtly assholeish–that I was in a constant state of outrage, but I couldn’t stop reading her (stupid, self-absorbed, STUPID) words. Then, after the fact, I looked her up on Wikipedia and read all about where she and her husband are in life now, and got even more furious! Gaaaah, I’m all riled up just thinking about it now.
Aaaaanyway, my point was that Ed was very tired of my reading the excerpts aloud as well.
Ah, yes, it’s the Shawshank Redemption book-experience (finding the good stuff in the tunnel of crap.) I wish you luck, and I appreciate your Reading The Menopause Book So We Don’t Have To.
Favorite parts:
“I would divorce BOTH of you without even FLINCHING”
and Jenny’s Shawshank metaphor. I will be using that.
The whole “I’d divorce both of you without FLINCHING” is superb! I will definitely be using that in my thoughts in the future.
And yeah – toss that book. There’s got to be something better out there. And since I’m uber-lazy, I’m counting on you to find it and tell me about it.