Well! I managed to sign up for some volunteering at one of the schools! If you remember, I tried to do so earlier, but never heard back from the volunteer coordinator. This time, I was dropping off Elizabeth’s Epipen at the school nurse’s office (such things have to be hand-delivered by a parent), and an acquaintance was there and mentioned there was a volunteer training session going on right that minute for a particular volunteer position she’d done before and thought was a good one, and she said I should go right now and join in. And so I did.
The reason I’m not specifying the type of volunteering is that I’m about to make some complaints about a fellow parent and suddenly I’m nervous about being Found Out. So what I will do is use a stand-in for the type of volunteering AND for the types of things I want to complain about. Let’s say that the type of volunteering is helping set up the lunchroom, and let’s say it takes an hour and a half each time, and you can sign up for however many/few days you want out of an available eight days per month, and that there will be two or three volunteers each time. There: now you can imagine me going to this training session, and they are showing us how to set up the tables and put out the silverware bins and where/how to set up the milk station and so forth.
Okay, now I will describe the other parent. So, we are there to learn how to do this. And she started RIGHT IN criticizing the old way, before we’d even been fully trained, let alone tried out the job for real. She was disgusted by how unclean the back of the silverware caddy cart was (“Ug, don’t you ever CLEAN this?,” she said, constructively, to the person training us), an area that no one touches and that touches nothing, and also I didn’t agree it was dirty (it looked like it had been cleaned many times but was old and had been periodically re-painted without sanding first) and so I certainly don’t want to clean it with her when that is not what I’m volunteering for, and also at that moment we were SUPPOSED to be learning how to fill the silverware caddies. And also: RUDE.
Then, during a 30-minute training session, she managed to perform THREE highly-controversial and irrelevant mini-rants, one of which criticized public schools in general (keeping in mind that we were at that moment standing in the public school our children attend); one of which was on a topic such as vaccines, or why we should consider a relationship with Jesus Christ; and one of which directly criticized one of the policies of the school we were in. The root of her complaint on that third subject seemed to be that she should be exempt from that policy, and that she had every reason to be indignant/offended that it was enforced even for her. She told us how she had given the principal what-for (evidently she was wildly victorious in the way most of us are only while lying awake imagining it differently than it happened—and yet no policies changed as a result of this confrontation, not even for her) and then delivered a rather scornfully-put closing remark (“I mean, SERIOUSLY! What are they THINKING??”), and then waited. A couple of us tried to brush it off politely with “Mm” sounds. But she would not have it. “You know what I mean?,” she said, turning directly to me. “Mm,” I said. “I mean, RIGHT?,” she said. So that I finally said, mildly, “Well, I see what you mean, but I still see why they do it that way.” So then she kept going about how actually it was stupid, and then I tried another “Mm,” and it didn’t stop her, so then I did what I should have done first, which was to say, “Oh, I see they’re showing us how to…” and trailed off as I walked away toward something I acted like I needed to have explained to me about keeping the forks and spoons separate.
I looked at the sign-up sheet and guess who I am working with on five of the six days I signed up for? Yes. Paul thinks she will simmer down a bit, but he was working on the theory that she was nervous and keyed up in a new situation, whereas my impression (and I’ll remind you that I was there and Paul was not) was that she was just starting to get comfortable. She didn’t seem nervous, she seemed oblivious and over-confident and a little dim, and like she hadn’t yet reached the stage of life (“adulthood”) where she knew there were different ways to think about things and that not everything was set up around her own way. I suppose nervousness could exhibit in that way; I’m not ruling it out, but I’m not counting on it either. Instead I am reassuring myself that I have only signed up for six sessions, so if it’s awful and she’s awful, I will get through it and then not sign up for any more of that, and try something else instead.
In the meantime, I am looking for advice. The volunteer job-type I used as a stand-in for the real job sounds like people would be spread out working separately; but the actual job is working closely together and not being able to get away from each other, and not much need to discuss the work itself (and thus, plenty of time to chat). What are some good things to say to someone who is basically DEMANDING either agreement or disagreement? Like, what I’d like to say is “Dear god, why are you bringing up this controversial topic HERE and NOW, and WHY OH WHY aren’t you taking a hint from our unenthusiastic/noncommittal responses and away-turning body language??” What I DON’T want to do is discuss my opinions one way or another with someone so aggressive: I don’t want to argue with her, and I don’t want to pretend to agree with her, and I don’t want to clean that silverware cart with her.
So that is why I am asking: What are some of your ways of dealing with people who won’t take “Mm” for an answer? And I’m thinking of actual, sayable things, not the things we say in our imaginations while lying awake showing reality how it OUGHT to be done.
You are so amazingly good at describing social situations. I love when you interact with people like this, because I always learn something interesting from your experiences!
Yes! What she said! I *love* the way you articulate the world around you!
This!
I just started my freshman year of High School, so I don’t think my solution applies. If someone is attempting to rant about something that I don’t want to listen to, I wait until they get to a stopping point and put in my earbuds. Oh, you’re trying to rant about something just for the sake of complaining? I can’t hear you over the intense Head Bopping I got going on here. If I’ve clearly showed disinterest in multiple ways, I divert the conversation to something I’m interested in bashing. I don’t think either of those would work for you though. You don’t seem like the type that’d be able to pull off head banging. And the person you’re talking about sounds like the type that doesn’t let themselves be distracted by the nods and m-hums.
Sometimes I feel chippy and I say something like “Well I really don’t agree, but to each their own!” And then I really enjoy flat out REFUSING to get into it. If I have to, I’ll follow up with a direct look in the eyes and “To be very clear, I’m not going to get into it right here, right now. Let’s talk about something fun!” (yes, I really say that.) And oftentimes the next thing I say is “What’s the very best thing that happened today that made you happy?” It’s so very very aggressively passive aggressive.
I’ve read your blog for awhile, so I’m not sure that’s a Swistle-type response. But you specifically asked my way of dealing with this situation. So there you go. A more likely response for you may be a prolonged direct eyeball-to-eyeball look with no mouth-noises at all. Try it – it’s more powerful than you think and also slightly creepy.
Good luck, gal.
I agree that I’m not sure those are Swistle-ish responses, but I LOVE THEM. :) The look might work for her though, like you said.
I think you are absolutely right. I have a friend who is masterful at employing the neutral-expression, direct-eyeball stare until a person backs off of an offensive track, and it is amazingly effective. At best it will get her to stop it altogether. At worst, she will avoid ranting at you and everyone else is on their own.
I like the idea of combining this with the “wow” response mentioned later on in the thread. Or, if you are feeling particularly brave, say “are you quite finished?”
I fear trying to send this lady in a different direction with pleasant neutral-seeming questions may make you a target for her rants. I bet she has one on every topic.
Best of luck.
Yes, any topic is liable to have SOMETHING about it this lady will be snippy or negative about. So, Swistle, YOU choose what you want to talk about. I also like the idea someone else put out there about talking to the volunteer coordinator, although that brings its own possible issues.
Ideally, you just want to be able to get through the first volunteer shift without any confrontations and be able to figure out what are safe topics for the rest of the shifts, right?
And finally, I want to acknowledge that I’ve not always enjoyed being so passive aggressive. I used to be very worried about it, and I still prefer to be very clear and direct. But something came over me a few years ago, and I just let it go. It’s just one person in one situation and in 5 years I’ll either have a funny story about it, have learned something from it, or I won’t even remember the situation/lady at all.
What I have done, only when someone is being SO aggressive about it, is just a calm
statement like the one you wrote. ” I don’t feel this is the place for such a discussion” then bring up an innocuous topic. Or ” I try to avoid such controversial discussions outside of the home”. She is deliberately ignoring social queues by bring this way so I think you can be a bit more direct than normal. Also how annoying for you that you VOLUNTEER and get stuck with a jerk! Not fair!.
I think what you wrote above is perfect actually: “I don’t want to argue with you, and I don’t want to pretend to agree with you”. I’m going to try saying that aloud next time the situation arises and see if that works! Maybe you could add, politely, “so perhaps we should get on with what we are supposed to be doing”?
I love so many things in this post:
“evidently she was wildly victorious in the way most of us are only while lying awake imagining it differently than it happened.”
“like she hadn’t yet reached the stage of life (“adulthood”) where she knew there were different ways to think about things and that not everything was set up around her own way”
This woman sounds terrible. Can you distract her with questions? Ask her how many kids she has, and how she decided on their names, etc, etc? My only other suggestion is to seize on something she’s said that’s irrelevant to the annoying/controversial part, and talk about that. Like, if she’s complaining about a school policy that states that the kids can’t hit each other with lunchboxes, start talking about how your kids always lose their lunchboxes so you try to buy cheap ones, but the cheap ones wear out, and blah blah. But it’s hard to out-talk a garrulous person, so that might not work.
I’ve gotten some lovely advice on boundaries from the captain awkward advice blog. One of my favorite’s is the “Wow.” response. You just say “Wow.” (not happy wow, incredulous and uncomfortable wow) to the uncomfortable rant and then let them either dig their way out or back in. Not sure if it’d work but SOMETIMES it can help people notice their own obliviousness.
I’ve actually used the “wow” followed by wide eyes and then silence with some success. The long silence after is usually key.
Good luck!!
YES, Captain Awkward’s scripts are perfect for this, though this lady sounds too oblivious to realize what sort of “wow” that is (even with a long silence, she might keep going just to hear her own voice). But coincidentally, I just compiled a list of ways to respond to offensive questions, statements, and rants on Orthogals dot com.
Actually useful responses:
Why do you ask?
Thanks, I’ll think about it.
Well, there you have it. (Useful—it sounds positive but doesn’t actually say anything.)
Well, that’s an opinion!
Good for you.
Interesting. Back to work, do you have _____ for (project) ready?
Not-terribly-polite but very fun responses:
Um, that was your out-loud voice.
Aren’t you an interesting case study.
That’s nice, dear.
Thank you for sharing.
To me the most valuable part is a reroute to a safe (maybe even relevant) topic, so I usually take one from the first category and then jump into something-anything else.
Like others have said, it could be “have you tried the bean dip” or “so did your kid’s sports team win?” or any story you can just keep going on from tangent to tangent without letting her get a word in edgewise, or ideally a reroute to the task at hand.
But Swistle, if you’re ever feeling a little wicked, you can always deliberately interpret her anger as panic and speak really soothingly to her. “Oh dear! This seems to really stress you out. It’ll be okay! We’ll get through this! Here, let’s talk about _____.”
Re-route to a safe topic is excellent advice!
Yeah, I was going to suggest Captain Awkward, too.
Also: pre-empting those rants by asking questions of your own. Oh, you have kids? How many? Ages? Do you watch TV SHOW? Have you read any good books lately? What do you think of LOCAL FESTIVAL?
Frustrating! I’ve sometimes employed the ‘ask questions about something (anything) else. If she’s just someone who likes to complain, her tone may not change much, but it might be about topics you’re more comfortable on.
And you can use them at the end of your statements to try and stop her from pressing you to Take A Stand on things. (She says “I just can’t stand the school colors. Don’t you think they’re too bright?” You can say “I hadn’t thought about that – you seem to have a real appreciation for color – do you do any painting or crafting?” The question isn’t important, just that you’re giving her something else to talk about before she can push back at you.)
I’d also recommend having a standing ‘appointment’ after your volunteer shift, so you can always escape quickly, and have a reason for not tackling extra tasks like the silverware cart. She doesn’t need to know it’s an appointment between you, a glass of wine and some chocolate.
I was kind of thinking earbuds too, unless there is some interaction required that would make that appear rude. This person sounds as though making the same noncommittal response to each statement would not work. Sorry I can’t offer more advice.
Print this post and hand it to her. Please, oh please, oh pretty please?
Maybe “I can’t really comment on that, my family/child hasn’t been In that situation.”
I do like the suddenly realizing something else she said was important, like she says RIGHT?? And you say “yeah…hey you mentioned your older daughter, how old is she?” Etc…
So how are you with the non-sequitur? You could make it a game! Try to come up with totally random things to ask in response to a direct question. Portia’s tangent suggestion is a good one (key on something she says and ask about that) but you should have a few generics in your pocket like asking what time it is, commenting on the weather, asking what she did this past weekend/what are her plans this coming weekend. Oh, or see how many times you can get her to repeat the same question without answering! Pretend you didn’t hear and ask her to repeat, then pretend to sneeze/cough/get something in your eye so you get distracted and then ask her to repeat again, etc. Or, if you’re not in the mood, a simple ‘Oh who cares about that stuff, definitely not me!’ or ‘I wish I had time to worry about that stuff!’ while laughing like it’s oh so silly might work. Good luck!!
I really think you can keep saying “mmmm” all the live long day.. see how long it takes to out-stubborn her before she goes to find another target.
I wish I was smart enough to walk people around the bush and push them into their own hole, but I’m not that good.
I’ve said things like, “You sure do feel strongly about that!” or “I can tell that upsets you a lot!” and I really like pp Leah’s suggestion of “Wow.”
This woman sounds like a PEACH to work with. I’m sorry you have to suffer through her, but I’m sure looking forward to the funny blog posts we’re going to get about her!!
I’d try for distracting her from her preferred rant-worthy subjects before she can even think of them. And you have a head start by knowing at least some of them (she probably has TONS) in advance. Bring up the most innocuous things you can think of before she can get the bitch train rolling. Books? Favorite t.v. shows? Recipes? Hobbies? Make her talk about something she loves instead of everything she hates.
I’m sorry, I can really only think of variations on “Mm.” Like “Er?” And “(unintelligible squeak).”
One technique we try to teach our students is the unexpected change of subject. So if she starts talking about a school policy, you respond with something about your favorite weatherman. Your reply has no context to her statement and usually after about 3 tries, the other person walks away or stops talking. You have to be prepared so think of some random topic.
Can you say something like “Oh, I have a rule to never discuss religion or politics”? You may have to add some other categories.
It depends a bit whether you think it may be possible to have a pleasant discussion with her about any topic. Maybe headphones are the way to go, if they are compatible with the work you’re doing. If you’re listening to a book, or french lessons, or something like that, you could use it as an excuse. “I’m so sorry, but I wanted to take this time to brush up on my french/read some classics/whatever”.
I love the “Wow” suggestion, which I would say very breezily, while smiling broadly but raising my eyebrows. I would follow that with, “I’m not even touching that topic!” in a lighthearted tone with a little laugh. Then redirect with questions about her kid or the weather or any other completely benign thing you can think of.
Love this post! Especially (“adulthood” — LOL).
I favour “How extraordinary” – Like “Wow” but with a little more Kristen Scott Thomas about it.
Or KRISTIN Scott Thomas, even.
Do you know who is in charge of the scheduling? I think you should ask not to be matched up with her. Have a candid conversation with the scheduler and get assigned to a different day or maybe even a different task. If she’s that offensive, I’m sure it will be no problem!
Ugh. I feel for you about this! If it was something I absolutely did not want to discuss, especially with her, I would probably say something like, “They don’t pay us enough to get into all that AND polish the silverware!” And maybe follow with a laugh and then a question or suggestion of an appropriate, comfortable topic.
In these cases I’d usually employ the active listening/empathy technique. Things like, “I can see you’re really fired up about this.” Or, “it’s obvious you’re really upset about that.” However, this might encourage her to continue the rantiness. It also doesn’t at all communicate your disagreement so you run the risk of her going away from the conversation thinking you actually agree with her even though you never *said* that you did. But, really that’s always a risk when you don’t want to be openly disagreeable with a self centered person.
I might have a harder time actually saying this, but I like the empathy/distraction combo: something like, “I see you’re really fired up about that. You know what makes me mad? When you walk into a public restroom and the toilet paper roll is just sitting on top of the toilet tank and not actually on the roll. I mean, how do I know that toilet tank is clean? Was it on the floor? DONT YOU HATE THAT?!?”
I believe this sort of technique was used several times by Rose from The Golden Girls. But, I could see it working in real life.
Good luck!
Here is something my sband says in situations like that, and it works really well…
Annoying Person: “Rant, rant, rant, blah, blah, blah…”
My Husband: ” Well, that’s one way of looking at it!” (Chuckle, chuckle…changes subject to the weather)
It ALWAYS works. He used it all the time on my awful, obnoxious, slighty-racist Stepfather just to keep the peace and not start a fight.
This is a great one too! “Well there’s that” or “well that’s certainly one way of looking at it” are totally often my go-to responses but I couldn’t think of them earlier. :)
This is also my go to response for difficult people who insist on difficult conversations. The other one I use (mostly when people are offering unsolicited advice) is ” Gee wouldn’t the world be a dull place if we all liked the same things/ did things the same way?” If they keep insisting, I have to throw down the boundary with something like “I prefer not to discuss difficult topics” and they might be angry about it which I am learning to ignore. I struggle with these things so much. I dislike confrontations especially with aggressive people. I mean, it really freaks me out. When I come across them, rather than avoiding them (which is what I want to do), I try to think that it’s a chance to practice this skill set. I don’t envy you for having to deal with this especially when you just wanted to do something nice at your kid’s school!
*Husband!
I usually just stop responding altogether when I get in a situation like that. I ignore the person and if they try to get me to answer them I pretend my mind was wandering, sometimes I’ll blatantly say “Sorry, I have no idea what you just said” and look back down to what I was doing so as not to encourage them to repeat it. It’s kind of like the earbud strategy without actual earbuds.
While I am very sorry for you having to deal with such an awkward situation, I am secretly rubbing my hands together with glee at the blog posts that you will surely get out of it.
I don’t have any advice on what to say or how to handle it, but I would like to share a story that will not help you at all. Years ago I was a Girl Scout leader and I got to know one of the moms a little bit, and every time I talked to her, she was griping about someone who had done her wrong; the principal of the school was too this, the teacher was too that, her old boss was a jerk, she was wronged by the ballet teacher, etc. Somehow I knew that things with this mom were going to end badly, I remember thinking that at the beginning. Sure enough, at the end of the year, i got a big ole nasty email about how I hadn’t treated her daughter fairly, I hadn’t done a good job, she really thought they should have earned more badges/done more activities/had more fun, and the moral of the story is if it doesn’t end well with everyone else, it won’t end well with you either. The end.
Several people already suggested what I was going to say – I call it the these-aren’t-the-droids-you’re-looking-for approach. Kind of. I mean. When I’m eating dinner with my very conservative family and I feel the topic going dangerously close to something We Should Not Discuss – I start talking about something completely off topic. With my family random questions/insights about NCIS is a good go-to topic. Maybe figure out something that you know she likes – and then that can be your go-to droid topic to get her off course. My family is very storm-trooperish and this method is quite effective – but there are powerful beings out there with a force beyond what we can control…who will rant about things no matter how we try to get them off topic. That’s when you pull out your ear buds. Or you could get teary-eyed and say that topic reminds you of your grandfather who recently passed and it’s just all too sad to dwell on, can we please talk about something else?
I can’t think of a better analogy writer than you. I wish I could give suggestions on what to say, but I haven’t found any solution to similar situations. The only suggestion I have is not to do anything she might construe as you giving agreement with her worldview or enjoying her company. I recall too many occasions where people thought I agreed with/ liked them simply because I was too anxious to disagree with or confront them.
Oh what the fresh hell is this? Still so applicable. Good luck. Sorry, no better ideas than the ones already offered.
Ha, you poor thing.
At my work I often have to listen to customers ranting about things that have absolutely nothing to do with the matter at hand, or are related but are things I can do nothing about. Are general sympathetic noncommittal things helpful to you? I say things like, “Oh, that sounds frustrating,” and “Oh, dear, that’s terrible” and “I’m sorry to hear that”, then I move onto actual constructive things such as what I can do to help the person.
I realise you’re in a different situation, but I don’t know, maybe some of that could be useful??
I love all the suggestions above, but given that I (like you?) am extremely averse to causing a fuss in conversations with near-strangers, I would probably lie and say: “I don’t really have an opinion about that”. And if she is very heated and keeps pressing you to agree with her, I’d say: “That DOES sound really frustrating for you. I was getting SO frustrated the other day…” and launch into a story about something *else* that frustrated you. Would that work? I know I couldn’t handle a total non-sequitur, but I could probably transition from one person’s awkward rant into my own small, non-controversial rant (the traffic lights on major-street that are timed so poorly! The sun setting so early lately! How many school supplies the teachers are requiring us to buy this year! Etc.)
I also like the tactic of picking up on a non-controversial detail of her rant (someone above suggested lunchboxes) and going off on a tangent about that. But I’m not sure I would always be able to do that. For some reason, I feel completely obligated to play by the rules of polite conversation when talking to someone I don’t know very well. It makes no sense, and yet.
You have excellent suggestions here (I would favour “Wow” or maybe even a more direct “I see you’ve made up your mind, why do you need my approval?”/”You’re making me uncomfortable”) – with a strong reminder that while it may feel like you are making things awkward when you point out how inappropriate she is being, she is the one being inappropriate (and therefore awkward). In my experience, people who are so oblivious of social cues that they can be that blatantly inappropriate usually actually deal well with very explicit, direct responses.
So… “Bitch please. Like you’ve spent one day dealing with Internets trolling on my famous and totally awesome blog.” That wouldn’t work? Hmmm…”I heard a rumor that (person she’s bitching about) is going through a hard time right now.” And you don’t elaborate. Sound meek and sad. Look at the floor. The End.
I would tell her I’m not interested in the politics/controversial issues related to school. If she pushed, I’d tell her I have a lot going on in my life and I don’t have the time or patience to deal with those types of issues.
I used to work in at a company where everyone in my dept (except me, apparently) liked to talk about politics and the majority’s politics were not AT ALL in line with mine. This would often happen at the beginning of meetings. Everyone would gather but we’d still be waiting for one person so people would start in. I wasn’t about to get into a political discussion with bosses or coworkers so I pretended to be busy and wrote notes on my note pad for groceries or baby names. There was another person more in line with my political leanings and he would love to debate with them but it was just too stressful for me to argue with the type of person who turned his American flag upside down when Obama was elected. You’re never going to win that one.
Eh hem, anyway, I would ignore, ignore, ignore. I would at first try to simply be really focused on what you are doing. And then if she says something like “what do you think?” you can say “Oh sorry, I didn’t hear what you were saying. I am so focused on [the task at hand]” and if she continues on I would just keep ignoring. Once someone did point blank ask for my opinion and I said “Oh I guess I am old school and don’t believe in discussing politics at work.” People stopped talking politics so much around me after that.
I like the suggestions to change the subject–on EtiquetteHell.com they call it “bean-dipping.” As in, “Hey, have you tried the bean dip? It’s fantastic!” (You don’t actually have to mention bean dip; the idea is to say something distracting and completely off-topic in an effort to change the stream of conversation.)
Good luck with her, and think of it this way: at worst, you’ll have some awkward moments. At best, you’ll end up with some great blog stories!
I have tried the bean-dipping technique in the wild, and it does work… But sometimes the other person is persistent and you have to do it multiple times which I find uncomfortable. (Why can’t people just take a HINT?) (They probably can’t inderstand why *I* can’t take a hint that they want to focus on the highly-uncomfortable-to-me topic!)
I have ALSO tried the empathetic responses technique… Also often effective, for those who just want to vent. But if you don’t want to convey agreement, that may not work for you.
In your situation I might try an uncomfortable laugh and an equally uncomfortable, “I am so sorry you feel that way, but this topic makes me uncomfortable! Let’s change the subject!” accompanied by lots of blushing.
(I would LIKE to pull off Lawyerish’s suggestion, but fear I would fail badly.)
Oh Swistle, good luck! What a horrible beginning to your volunteering experience! Hopefully she calms down… Or at least moves on to someone else.
I know this sounds like mean, mean advice, but. What I actually do, once it becomes quite clear that this is not a person who a) has any interest in actual considering other points of view and b) is not someone with whom I want to discuss varying points of view ANYways, is to start viewing their tirades as pure entertainment. Like, I sometimes actually TRY to bring up trigger issues to set them off on little spiels, then I just sit back and smile inside and listen to them rant and rave while I , you know, quietly sort silverware or whatever it is you’re doing. Basically, my goal is to say as little as possible, to not engage them in any sort of debate, and to not feel furious and anxious inside during the forced interaction, so this has been the best solution for me. I pretend I’m watching a character in a sitcom, basically.
There’s someone exactly like this person you’ve described who I have to see ALL the time because she has kids the same ages as all of mine, and this is how I finally managed to not leave various events with elevated blood pressure and fingernail marks in my palms. I even get a little excited when I see her now: “What face-palmingly hilarious issue will she get worked up about this time?!”
Lots of good suggestions here! I really like the non-sequitur-followed-by-diverting-question idea. “Life is sometimes uncomfortable but always interesting,” [pause, eyes looking up as if searching for an idea] “So, what kinds of things do you like to read?”
When all else fails, though, the direct message may be required. We really don’t know each other very well, so let’s talk on some neutral topics.
I’ve kinda stopped being neutral in these situations – a parent or worker starts going off on something that obvs not everyone agrees with so they have thrown a kind of gauntlet, haven’t they? It isn’t my place to make them feel comfortable about breaching the social contract so I don’t anymore – in a very Canadian, passive-aggressive way. I say firmly and calmly “It seems we disagree” and turn the subject. It can make it awkward for a minute but it is them who caused the awkwardness so I don’t feel badly. So much better than falsely agreeing and reinforcing their world view which is obviously already pretty strong!
Love these posts, the important small things about being a social animal on this planet. It’s hard!
I’ll tell you what I’ve done in situations like that, and I have BEEN in situations like that a lot because I am in Indiana and no one ever stops talking to me here in a way I never knew in NJ. Anyway. I would try and look really sad (which is easy because I AM really sad that the person is talking to much to me, blathering on and not taking any hints) and I’d say “I am just not up for such a heavy discussion today, could we please talk about People magazine?”. Or something like that – just look sad, be mysterious, and ask for a change of subject. Good luck!
I am so not a person that invites conflict, so I am taken aback by behaviour like this. I had a fellow parent rant to me about a situation in the classroom (her kid and mine are in the same class). She saw the initial problem and the teacher’s reaction as unequivocally egregious and I was firmly in the ‘meh’ camp. I listened so as not to offend her, and she somehow mistook my lack of fight as agreement. She wanted to have me sign a letter to have the teacher reprimanded (she already had 3 other signatures), which is when I finally spoke up and stopped being so damned polite. After that incident, I am very careful about not giving mixed signals. I will never be a confrontational person, but if the other person misses the normal social cues that should naturally change the subject, I will say things like, “That’s not how I see it. Anyway…[change subject]”; or “No comment.”
Oh man, these responses are golden. I’m going to have to remember this post and take notes! I hope she’s not so annoying in the volunteer situation!
Did someone quote Tessie’s “policy”?
I’m sorry, but I have a policy against discussing personal matters while I am working.
Maybe? Kind of sounds lame.
What about: Oh, I am so lousy at multitasking! And then purposefully ignore her when she speaks. If she gets irritated, say something along the lines of, “Oh, I was concentrating on this task.” Maybe?
If I do not want to hear a person speak (because they are obnoxious every time they do), I will not ask them a question. Bean dipping with “So what books do you like to read” is opening yourself up to hearing more of this person’s opinion. Since you’re not planning on making friends with her, I’m assuming you don’t care about what books (movies, whatever) she likes. In a perfect world where I’d have time to think about my response ahead of time, I believe I would only answer her question… : “Do you agree?”. “I agree that we are having lovely fall weather today!” ::smile:: Repeat similar responses until she gets bored with you or just thinks you’re weird.
I haven’t read all the comments, but my response would be “I don’t believe we have the same views on these topics.” If she tries to engage you further, then I would say “I’m not interesting in debating you on this, I am here to volunteer, and that is what I am going to concentrate on.”.
She sounds clueless.
I love so many of these suggestions—especially the “That’s nice dear”… Maybe just tell her how interesting she is and that you can’t wait to write a blog about her and her angst ;)
Here in Alabama the standard response to someone that socially clueless is “Well, bless your heart!”
; )
As for what I do? I redirect. “Oooh hey, look at that SHINY FORK! Isn’t it SHINY!?”. You could always claim a headache and ask for her assistance in making the task as quiet as possible. Or bring in earbuds and an audio book and tell you are listening to a book on tape. Make it on a deadline (I have to get this back to the library and this is my only chance to listen today…)
I confess I would be tempted to go the same route as Sarah above, and make it into a game for myself. See how many times I could flatly say “mm” and she would follow that up with a (n increasingly desperate) request for my assent. Like literally keep count and see if I could beat my previous record. Or cock my head to the side and say “oh. uh… really…?” incredulously and then sit back and enjoy, virtually eating popcorn, while she spun herself up even further into her opinion-rant.
If it’s a religious topic such as you mentioned I quietly mention that we “aren’t religious” which generally shocks people into I’m guessing the rest of my political beliefs and they generally leave me alone.
My best friend sometimes does this when I’m tired or upset or not interested and she’s really looking for input from me so whe won’t take mm for an answer. Fortunately she’s easily distracted so I just take a neutral point from some of the things she just said and start a conversation from that. Examples:
I don’t agree with the new policy!
-> Mm. Do you rememer that other much more interesting policy we didn’t agree with? Let’s talk about that again!
Or -> Remember when you said the same thing about that much more interesting thing? Let’s talk about that again!
Or -> Yeah, I heard Jane Doe had the same opinion as you. What’s the latest gossip about Jane by the way?
Or -> That example you just used about Jane Doe reminds me; how is Jane doing anyway?
Or -> I know how you feel. Last week they changed something at about . Let’s talk about that!
Hope this helps!
* at -place- about -much more interesting thing-
I’m wondering if she was worse in the training because there were more people. People like her tend to get ramped up for an audience and “show off” (as it were) even more so than usual. That said, I think it’s good to have a strategy. But, I think with those personalities, you either have to not engage at all or be direct and firm. Despite the strength (let’s say) of her personality, she’s probably super insecure, so she’s looking for constant reassurance and she’s going to ignore anything other than that and keep trying until she gets it. I hope some of the strategies the other commenters mentioned work for you. Personally I tend to use the avoid-as-much-as-possible approach with people like that. (Could you privately ask to be seated away from her?) Well, can’t wait for the update. Good luck!
I used to always use the weather as a safe topic when trying to avoid awkward conversations….”hasn’t this been just a beautiful fall…” etc. That always works because everyone experiences the weather and has that in common.
However, I have found lately that another thing that people unequivocally agree on is saving money when shopping.. I love getting a good deal, and people like to talk about it. So you could say things like “do you get the Sunday paper? I was reading that [store name here] is having a huge sale this weekend. I’m hoping their [fab product] is marked down.” Or “did you see that coupon for Oxyclean? With this week’s sale at the grocery store, it’s practically free.” Or “my mom introduced me to a rebates website, and now I get a percentage back on all my online purchases. That’s really going to come in handy for the holidays. I find I do a lot of Christmas shopping online.”
This should keep things light and safe. These are easy points on which to see eye to eye. I’ll be rooting for you. I hate awkward conversations!
Will it just be the two of you working together? Or will others be there as well?
If you’re working in a larger group, just ignore her. Mumble non-commital responses like you were doing during training.
If it’s just the two of you… stay neutral (like you’re from Swistle-land – haha). Many will interpret silence as agreement, so I wouldn’t stay too quiet. However, I wouldn’t encourage her to talk at all. Headphones would be rude IMO (although I guess this depends on the type of work you’re doing). Maybe you could put her off by saying, “It seems you are just looking for someone to agree with your viewpoint…” in a nice but firm tone. It shows her you’ve got her figured out and you’re not impressed!
If you do want to talk…. does she have kids in the same grade as yours? Or common activities? Anywaything?
We’ve had good experiences with this school.
We’ve had good experiences with this school.
We’ve had good experiences with this school.
Or some such mantra that you keep repeating no matter what she says.
I’m a fairly anti-social, yet friendly person (yes, I know. that doesn’t make sense, but neither do I half the time), and so I’m in those situations often. I tend to go with things like ‘Huh. Well that’s an INTERESTING perspective’. Or ‘really? why is that?’. It keeps them talking forever, and you don’t actually have to respond to anything they say.
Or you can go southern and say ‘well bless your heart’, which, as any good southerner knows, is code for ‘go eff yourself’.
I like Jill’s suggestion – “We’ve had good experiences with this school.” I’ve had to use a variation of this, and it went better than I expected – the owner of the salon where I get my hair cut used to send her children to the daycare we use. They changed to another daycare, and although we stayed at the same one and she KNOWS that, she always sought me out to complain about the old daycare. I would say things like “Oh, wow, we have had just the opposite experience! How odd! We really love it there, especially Miss So and so, she’s so good with the potty training…” etc etc. She did this at least 3 times that I can think of, and I don’t know if she tired of it or if my tactic worked, but it made me feel good about the way it went because I did NOT want to convey agreement – I really do love our daycare and I’m not going to trash talk it in a hair salon. It’s my most successful experience of directly disagreeing with someone in a cheerful way. I would combine this with a subject change as able. “How odd that you say that! We have had nothing but positive interactions with this new principal, I’m so glad he’s making X and Y policy now, have you heard he’s looking for a new house? Do you know any realtors? There seem to be a lot of houses for sale on the west end of town.” “How strange! We have always positively LOVED Mrs. Hatchet! I remember when she had the kids do those dioramas, did you hear that the Ben Franklin has a bigger craft section now? That’s where I would be going if I had a 4th grader this year!”
Also, what a couple of other people have mentioned is true: The more oblivious a person is, the more direct you have to be. I work with people like this. It’s so uncomfortable when you are more aware of social hints, but they (and your co-volunteer) are clearly not. It often takes a straightforward “Ok! New topic!” to make it happen.
All that said, I’m sorry you have to work with this person. Do you know the volunteer coordinator at all? I was going to say “I would ask to work with someone else” but after a little reflection, I probably wouldn’t actually do that for fear they are neighbors or something. But surely everyone feels the same about this person, the coordinator has to know. Oh I know! Ask Talky McBitcherson about her schedule, so you can volunteer when she CAN’T!
Sorry this is a bit late but sometimes a good, “Don’t hold back, how do you really feel?” can diffuse things. Although probably not with this charming and gracious individual.
yet another reason that i am happy to have a f/t job!! i don’t have a lot of patience for the pta ladies in my town.
sorry – that was all about me.