Two teenager things.
One. We were going mad–MAD–about William’s little rubber bands for his braces. His orthodontist had strongly emphasized to him and to us that he MUST wear them, he MUST. But every single time we said, “William, do you have your rubber bands in?,” the answer was NO (and/or “I was just GOING TO,” and/or “I just took them out to EAT”—when eating had last occurred hours before), followed by a scramble to find some. And we kept having Firm Talks with him, and going over the importance of blah blah, and how much he’d appreciate his effort NOW when he was an adult, and how the orthodontist SAID, and look she sent us a BUSINESS LETTER about it, and so forth.
And yet the situation persisted. Sometimes I would realize it had been a few days since I’d remembered to ask him, and therefore it was likely he had gone several days without wearing them, and I would feel both panic and despair. This is not MY job! This is HIS job! But he is not accepting it as his job, and the natural consequences (his braces completely fail to work, the orthodontist continues to Speak Firmly to both him and us, we stretch out this situation for years) are not ones I’m willing to accept. WHAT TO DO.
Here is what I did: I said it was not my job to remember his rubber bands, and that if he was going to MAKE it my job by not doing it himself, he would have to pay me for that work: 25 cents per reminder. I made sure his siblings overheard me, knowing they’d LOVE to get in on a costly tattling opportunity like this. RUBBER BANDS ON EVER SINCE, BABY.
Second thing. I would like to give you an example of the kind of argument Rob likes to have. The pediatrician had recommended melatonin for William’s periodic stretches of getting-to-sleep troubles. I’d warned William that one side effect can be vivid dreams. In the morning, William reported that he had slept well and hadn’t had any vivid dreams, and I said good. Rob then wanted to argue that we didn’t Really Know if William hadn’t had any vivid dreams, since maybe William just didn’t remember them.
Now, that is a fine point to make, very nicely noticed. Perhaps another time we can have the late-night-college-student discussions about whether maybe this could ALL be a dream, or about what if anesthetic was completely ineffective except in that it made us completely forget the pain so we THOUGHT it had completely worked, what THEN. But right NOW, in THIS discussion about melatonin, when we are BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, let’s NOT get into it, and especially not in that tone of voice. That is, if we CAN’T KNOW, then we CAN’T KNOW, so we have to go with what we CAN know. If we must define “not having vivid dreams” as “not REMEMBERING vivid dreams,” then FINE. We are not going to attach William to wires to make sure that he is not having vivid dreams, before allowing him to report a happy lack of side effect. BEEzus.
Oh that making him pay 25 cents within an ear shot of the other kids is pure genius!
I have been a silent reader for years (5 to be exact, started when my first baby was born), and your blog is my number one favourite blog :-)
This may be my favourite thing I’ve ever read. Brilliant solution to the braces. And that conversation with your husband… oh lord. We’ve had similar totally pointless interjections going on here and it makes me feel like I’m having a pillow fight. Oh, and the pillows are full of laughing gas instead of feathers.
With TEENAGER! I was going to say “even worse” (than if it had been with a husband), but actually it’s too close to call it: both situations would be so exasperating in their own special ways.
The rubber band thing? Sheer genius!
The other thing? Sainthood awaits for not killing him, I suspect.
Excellent solution to the rubber bands problem.
Thank you for the example of Rob’s pointless arguments. It had me in stitches, which is I needed this Monday morning! I asked my (frustrating) husband to bring in the ripe eggplants from the garden yesterday. For the SECOND CONSECUTIVE YEAR, he not only harvested the ripe eggplants, HE PULLED THE ENTIRE ROW OF PLANTS THAT WOULD CONTINUE TO PRODUCE. Plants with multiple flowers each! To quote Mercer Mayer, “I WAS SO MAD!”
Oh! I *also* charge my kids when they need to be reminded about things. Every night after dinner, for example, they are supposed to pick up their rooms and various areas of the house. When they don’t do a good job, I charge them $1 for every item that’s out of place. What they don’t know is, I save all the money they pay me in an envelope and I’ll give it back to them when they’re 18. :-)
LOVE that story about Rob – I wept with laughter and complete identification. Our 10-year-old is EXACTLY the same way. How we are going to make it until he moves away to college, I’m sure I don’t know.
What would I doooooo without you?!?!! We have been struggling with my daughter about wearing her glasses. Same thing. She NEEDS them, I am not willing to have her go without them, but it is NOT MY JOB to remind her!
I see a few quarters in my future.
Ohhhh, you are a genius. I wish I’d had that rubber band idea two years ago, it would have saved us four additional months of orthodontic appointments! (and a lot of nagging)
I, too, have a teenager who likes to point out minor mistakes/argue finer details and I have taught her the word “pedantic,” as in, “Don’t be pedantic, it will annoy your friends and classmates and no one will sit with you at lunch.” Perhaps the threat of social ostracism will work?
I just started charging Raphael a quarter per reminder this week! Because the other choice was to eat him like an upset hamster mama. He doesn’t have braces yet, but the constant reminders about everything else in the world were making me insane. The fact that you’re doing that too makes me feel like a fellow parent, Making Decisions, rather than the wild – eyed woman on the edge I truly am.
And the vivid dreams thing I actually have an answer to! Melatonin tends to cause vivid dreams if the dose is slightly low, because it helps you to sleep, but not quite deep enough. So him not remembering dreams means he’s getting good, deep sleep. Which is the point.
Why teens have to argue with more fervor than they breathe? Can’t help you there.
Sam has braces now and I live in fear of those stupid little rubber bands. I had to wear them in all kinds of crazy contortions when I had braces, like, 25 years ago. You would think they would have come up with a better system since then. You are brilliant with the “make it my job” thing, by the way. I’m going to remember that.
Brilliant solution! Filing it away for use in a few years.
I didn’t know that about melatonin, which I’ve actually been using myself. And I *have* actually been having more vivid dreams sometimes that I’m way better about remembering than I typically am with dreams. Maybe that’s why they specify VIVID dreams. Plus, how would they even know it was a possible side effect if people didn’t REMEMBER them to be able to report them in the first place? So there, Rob!
A few months ago after several frustrating conversations, I started charging Oldest 25 cents for every balled up sock I found in the laundry. For whatever reason the balled up socks that don’t get clean and that I have to fiddle with were the last laundry straw for me. After a few times of netting well over $2 from the laundry, he remembers to unball his socks. WIN!
Oh that type of “conversation” makes me want to stab my eyes out. I remember all too well saying similar aggravating things to my parents as a teen and am dreading same from my kids. Sometimes I’m not sure how we’re all going to make it through the teen years…
I don’t have the mental capacity to keep up with my kids now – forget when they’re teenagers and prone to argument. I’m filing away the charging trick!
Brilliant solution – methinks you’ll weather these teenage years just fine.
And I believe that, by definition, vivid dreams are the ones you do remember. It’s tautological.
THIS. THIS is why I love you!!!
And I am totally stealing the reminder payment idea. In a few years. When my kid actually has some money. Actually, I might make him pay me in Legos for now…that would be even worse for him!!!
Could we maybe get Rob and my 6 y.o. together to argue? Mine will do something like e.g. he’ll be bouncing around the house when I am trying to get my stuff together to GET US OUT THE DOOR and I will say, “Please! Just go stand by the door with your backpack for two minutes until I can get organized to get going!!!” And he will obediently go and stand by some totally random and not at all useful-to-be-near door e.g. the door to the bathroom in the back of the house or the closet or even the shed.
Really, I am mystified: how can it be evolutionarily useful to annoy, perpetually, the adults you rely on to keep you alive? How?
Anyway, not quite up there with debating the vividness of non-existent dreams, but mine’s young yet. I think both will make great lawyers, hopefully wealthy ones who will remember the patient kindness their mothers exhibited toward them over the years.
These comments about teenagers crack me up. I don’t have kids but I teach middle school and sometimes (ok every single day) I feel like pulling out my hair (or someone else’s). I especially love, after suggesting once again that they should maybe be writing what I am saying/putting on the board and I often get: ‘oh I need to write this down? Oh, I don’t have paper/pen/pencil. But is it for marks?” Arg!!! No this is purely for torture, kids. Mine that is.
You are pure genius! Not only with the 25-cent solution (and I love the sibling facet of this), but also with the writing up of the whole issue, which was wonderfully written, as always.
Okay, I’m going to go all academic on you, so feel free to stab ME in the eyes if you can reach me (grin). Rob’s cognitive development, reflected in his clearly astute hypothetical thinking skills, is amazing at his age. I’ve known middle-aged adults who couldn’t even follow those arguments! Unfortunately that combines with his adolescent egocentrism (proud that he understands these concepts, wanting to demonstrate them, not sure anyone else has ever been here before). None of this helps your understandable exasperation, of course, but perhaps you can just chant over and over “Developmental Progress. Developmental Progress. Developmental Progress.” Or call me and I’ll talk you down. :)
This really DOES help!
See, as a teenager I thought the colorful rubber bands were cool. But then I never had those kinds of braces. Your 25c solution is awesome though!
I’ve had countless such pointless discussions with my brother. We still tease him about his favorite subjects.
That rubber band thing is BRILLIANT. I will be filing that away for when all three of mine will invariably be in braces- most likely at the same time. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m depressed.
But thank you!
Oh, teenagers. Rob’s discussion is everything I love about teenager conversation, and I say this without actually having a teenager of my own. I’m sure I’ll feel differently in a few years. Tell Rob that I take melatonin regularly, and sometimes I have VERY VIVID DREAMS and sometimes I don’t. Maybe *I* should be hooked up to a dream monitor!
Swistle, I love you.
This is brilliant.