A follow-up fret on the Kids’ Social Stuff issue: Let’s say another parent keeps calling ME to set up a playdate between our kids, but my kid says he/she doesn’t want to have a playdate with that other kid. What then? Like, what specifically do I say to the other parent, in real life as opposed to in my head? Something that works when people have follow-ups like “Well, how about the next week then”? Something I can picture hearing, if I were the one calling.
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I LOVE my nail polish. I don’t blame you if you don’t, because just for starters it’s hard to get a flattering photo of nail-polished nails. I’m constantly looking at other people’s photos and thinking either “Ick, I hate the look of that and now I’m worried MY nails look that bad” (even though if I’d seen those same nails in person I would have been begging the owner of the nails to tell me the color name) or “That photo is so extremely messed with to make it look good, I can’t even tell what color that is.” Anyway. Here’s a photo, just to give you the GENERAL idea:
It’s Maybelline Color Show Polka Dots, in Blue Marks the Spot.
(photo from Target.com)
My disappointments:
1. I’d thought the overall effect would be more, you know, BLUE. Instead it’s more black/white/grey, like gravel or granite. Which I ALSO like, and in fact I think I like it MORE than if it were blue. But I’d expected blue, and there is only the merest suggestion of blue.
2. I can’t believe I bought yet another polish with bits in it, when I KNOW I don’t like to have to dab it on instead of sweeping it on.
3. I like polish to last awhile, and on the second day there were chunks coming off.
Counteracting those disappointments:
1. I love looking at it. The first coat seemed like it was going to be too sparse/irregular; the second coat made it just how I like it. I gaze at it, impressed and pleased. I like the variations. I like the way it looks like gravel/granite.
2. Polish that’s full of bits and has to be dabbed has the advantage of not showing as many flaws, and not needing to be smooth or even.
3. Because it’s the dabbing kind, the pieces that chip off can be easily fixed by dabbing more on just in that spot. And because the look is already so varied, small chips are barely noticeable.
I tend to Overdo It when I like something (I love this t-shirt, so I will buy two in every color!! I love this Webkinz, so I will buy five more!!), so my temptation/inclination is to go buy this in more colors. But considering how un-blue the blue looks, I wonder if all of them look pretty much the same? I looked online to find pictures of other people’s nails—but considering how BRIGHT BLUE their blue came out, my guess is that they’re either using a base coat of a solid bright blue (or maybe white), or they’re applying many, many more coats than I did. Or in some cases, it looks like they have fake nails constructed out of solid polish. ANYWAY. For ME, with MY nails and with my 2-coats willingness level, I’m not sure it’s worth it to get more colors. (Maybe just ONE more.)
This is silly, to thank you for posting this, but…. I’ve been trying to be brave and try new colors this summer. Turquoise, orange… so maybe this will be my next step. It looks very fun! And I’m intrigued with the dabbing-it-on thing, and particularly the doesn’t-show-flaws thing.
I don’t know about the situation, but can you fall back on a “family rule”? Like “oh, he’s not allowed to have playdates at the moment due to his grades” (or something that doesn’t throw your kid under the bus) or a “well, we’d love to, but it is important to us that we have family time then”. And then offer up something concrete like “but we’d love to get together some time, maybe for our family Halloween party!” I imagine that could still be hard if that person knows your kid is having playdates with other people though.
Ugh, on the playdate thing. I think I’d go with something along the lines of “vague family parental excuse,” as in, “Thank you so much. I had found the kids were really overcommitted and it was affecting our family life so I’ve made the decision not to add anything to the calendar for the next few months” or whatever. I think you need something vague both in terms of why it’s a problem, when the problem will be solved, and what exactly the source of the problem is, and you want the decision-maker to be you. I like HereWeGoAJen’s promise of some future interaction, though if possible I’d lean toward something even less committal like, “… but I hope we’ll see you at the School Fun Day in September!” (i.e. something you don’t have to host…).
I would try to find out the why from your child first. And then maybe that’s a legitimate reason not to have the play date. So if they just are not in the same group of friends anymore or they both really liked xyz thing and now one of them doesn’t, then that allows you to give the other parent some information. But if your child’s response is “I don’t like [other child] anymore” I would simply be really honest and say “[my child]’s going through a phase where he just doesn’t want to play right now but I’ll be sure to call you if he’s ready to start playing again.” It may be that the other parent just doesn’t know they aren’t good friends anymore.
Oh I love that color, even with the bits and all. I feel like I would be a crazy lady and apply so much that my fingers would look like I had bedazzled them.
On the nail polish – a tip: first put a coat of color (regular color, in this case blue) on your nails, then put the sparkles over the top. The blue will act as a base and make the overall effect look how you want it to. Happy painting! :)
The comments re: playdate conundrum are very helpful.
I recently went for a chunky glitter, too, for the first time in a long time. It was Flurry Up! by OPI for Sephora (which is on super sale right now, by the way)(I paid $4.50). It’s a super shiny silver with different sizes of glitters, and I just put it at the very bottom of my nails and left the rest of the nail bare. I loved the effect. I was trying to mimic the look of the jewelry on these models: http://honestlywtf.com/collections/chanel-fall-couture-2013/ Anyway, now I’m on the lookout for more chunky glitters!
I think your hands look very nice, and you’re right, the polish does look like gravel or granite. I’d definitely like to see it over a coat of solid blue or gray.
The color is so odd. Are you sure you didn’t buy the gray? I’m curious as to how different the gray would look. If you buy another, I’d go with a bright one like the pink or the orange, but I’m not sure you’d like those colors.
I second asking your child why.
I’m sure! The bottle is clear glass and shows blue polish inside, and the name on the label is “Blue Marks the Spot”!
I like these suggestions. If you like the mom, I might could see including a “did your kid(s) go through anything like this?” to make it sound like you’re, you know, puzzled by it (your kid is a delight! why WOULDN’T he want to play?) and/or kind of keep the relationship open instead of just thanks but no so bye! I think I’d end up writing down precisely what I intended to say. “Thanks so much for your invitation! We’re having some issues with being kind/playing together/overcommitment and aren’t able to do playdates right now. Did yours go through a phase like this?” Also I really like suggesting seeing them at a group event, like whatever school function or after-school lessons are going on.
That vetoed-playdate scenario is so excruciating I can barely think about it (plus, the PHONE — argh). I could see how it’s one of those circumstances where a white lie might be better (the overscheduling excuses, etc) but I think that would make me break into a sweat about whether the other parent/kid would see or hear about my child having playtime with other kids, which would be AWK. Then again, if you don’t know the other parent much and aren’t comfortable being direct (or even indirectly direct), then it’s sweat-inducing to imagine telling them something close to the truth, too. (I’m also imagining that I was probably the child who was vetoed by other kids, and now I’m wondering what their mothers said to mine to get out of them having to come over. Oof. Poor little-kid me.)
Is there a compromise position, like where your child would be comfortable playing with the vetoed kid if another kid could be present? Maybe you could say, “Oh, we have X coming over next Sat, would your child like to join in then?” Or if that doesn’t work, then maybe conveying something like, “My child has been really wanting to spend a lot of time with Y [another friend(s) from school, a class, whatever] so right now s/he’s got a lot of playtime on the calendar, but we’ll be in touch later in the fall?” This is very close to what others have suggested, but it might assuage the worry about having them hear about other playdates happening and feeling excluded.
I got nothing on the playdate front. Quite honestly, I think I would lie because that sounds excruciating. However, I have a nail tip about the flaking off: you can buy a thick, fast-drying top coat like Seche Vite or “Out the Door” that will keep that from happening. Plus, they really dry super quick. ALSO, to take glitter polish off, which is hella hard, put a cotton ball soaked in remover on the nail, wrap the tip of the finger, completely covering the nail, in aluminum foil. Leave it for at least 60 seconds. Then pull off, & the whole shebang will come off with the cotton ball. (I LOVE THIS TRICK.)
Thanks for that tip! I love the glitter polish but it’s such a pain to remove!
I don’t know what I would say but I hate that we live in a world where I can’t just tell the truth. Is it so awful that my kid isn’t interested in playing with yours?
I imagine if someone told me that their son or daughter wasn’t receptive to the idea of a play date with one of my kids, I would be fine with that. They are children! I can see softening the blow for my kid, but for a parent?
It seems almost insulting to me that we handle each other with such kid gloves.
Be polite about it, sure. Don’t call me and say, “Right, little Susie thinks your daughter is a prissy brat so no to a play date.” But “You know, I asked Susie about it and she felt that they don’t click as well as she’d thought, so I think we will pass for now. Kids are so fickle with their friendships, aren’t they! But thanks so much for the offer!” seems reasonable to me.
Of course, I’m socially inept and tend to trip over my overly black/white outlook, and I do know that some (most?) people would be hurt that Susie doesn’t care for their precious snowflake. So I guess you lie.
Feign that you’re busy/over-scheduled to avoid the playdate, maybe?
I like the polish – and I agree I like that the textured polishes are easy to repair when chipped. I hate the removal process though – ugh “fuzzy coat” is the worst. I will try that soak with cotton ball and aluminum foil remover process someone mentioned.
I’m always amazed at how different the textured polishes look on nails compared to in the bottle as well. I do think yours would look fab with a blue base!
Re: the playdate…I would find out why my kids doesn’t want a playdate. If that’s a legit reason to me, I would go with a family rule kind of white lie, as suggested above. If it’s a nebulous reason, I would ask my kid if he’s be more interested if another kid joined the mix, and then work from there. Or, if there was nothing srsly amiss and I really liked the MOM, I would pursue the latter option. Not sure how this would work for you, but we’re in Chicago, and an easy way to lessen the intensity of a playdate for us is to suggest taking it to a nearby park instead. Doesn’t usually last as long and there are almost always other kids there to join in the fun, or “fun” as the case may be.
It really does look silver/gray with just a bit of blue. Weird. But the effect is still pretty cool.
For anybody who has not figured out how different polish looks from bottle to nails, pale pink shimmery polishes tend to look nude unless you layer on four or five coats. It’s always much lighter than in the bottle.
Personally, I really like the shimmery polish as opposed to glittery. Thankfully, the few times (yes, more than once) I mistakenly bought glitter polish, my daughter went wild over it. While I don’t love the dabbing technique, I love all the things you mentioned about how it wears. Even though nobody notices or cares about a 5-year-old’s chipped polish, it stilll makes me feel like a negligent mother.
And I’m bookmarking these playdate posts for the inevitable time when I need the advice. Kindergarten starts in less than two weeks. *cringe*
O.K., got nothing about the playdates, but Clarabella, your hint about the nail polish removal really caught my attention! Why do you need to put the aluminum foil on it? Why couldn’t you just put the cotton ball soaked with remover on the nail and hold it for 60 seconds?
Here is something I have learned about nail polish–Topcoat works wonders!
Playdates, hmmmm I hate that kind of situation. So much so that sometimes I’m bad and use caller id to screen calls.
I had a very similar play date situation with my 6 year old son. He and another boy from his class became friendly and the teacher suggested that we get together for playdates. I wasn’t that into the idea because the boy struck me as a bit of a bully in my few brief encounters with him, but the boy’s mom was very persistent. So, we did a play date at their house. When I asked my son how it went he described in detail all the ways the boy insulted his appearance, his toys, and the things he liked. Needless to say there would be no more playdates.
The next time the mom asked me for a playdate I just said we were busy at the time she’d suggested. But, this only worked a couple of times. It was clear she was going to keep asking me. My husband suggested I tell her “Actually, I don’t think the boys really get along as well as the teacher suggested.” I was practicing it in my head over and over, but when I ran into her at drop off and had to say it to her face I couldn’t actually do it. Luckily I’d just had a baby and we all know that’s an excuse to get out of anything. I think if we were interacting by email or by phone, though, I might have been able to pull it off.
Hopefully you’ll have more success with it than I did!!!
For the play date thing, could you spin it as being your kid’s problem rather than something wrong with the other kid? “Oh, my child is going through this weird anti-social phase.”
Oh Swistle! My boys have this friend who is okay when they are at school or in the playground but is absolutely horrible and obnoxious at playdates. He’s the youngest by far so he is always looking for a playdate. His mother is a friend of mine and she constantly asked for playdates. He would ask for playdates every single day after school. I just kept saying not today, not today, not today, but he and his mother were the playdate equivalent of one of those guys who keep calling for dates and will not take gentle hints that you are not interested. “You’re busy Friday? How about Saturday? Next Saturday? How about September? Christmas break?” I obviously have no answers here, but I relate. I just kept putting it off. Occasionally we would break down and schedule a playdate and then I would regret it. This has been going on for six years. I need some balls.
Do you think your child is responsible enough to start arranging his/her own playdates? Then s/he can figure out how to deal with persistent but unwanted invites, as well as persistent rejections. No one seems too fussed if kids are awkward or blunt. Every family has different dynamics and mitigating circumstances, so that might not work for you. The decline of the shared family phone also makes things harder, if you’re the cell phone owner and therefore the one trying to field calls.
If you’re stuck with the task…It seems hard to lie, since any unhurtful lie is likely to not be very convincing, so then you’re just lying for no reason. Maybe something truthful, but kind of mystified? Like, “You know, the last few times, Mychild just didn’t have that much fun. I’m not sure why–Yourchild seemed very nice. Just one of those random kid things, I guess! [nervous fake laugh]” Or the park approach. Which is probably what I would end up doing, before taking liberal advantage of caller ID.
I was so inspired by this post that I went out and bought my own polish! I got the clear with black and white glitter. I looooove it!! Thanks for recommending it, it’s not some thing I would have picked on my own!
The play date situation is so awkward. I think there were a number of great suggestions. I haven’t run into the problem of people asking my kids for play dates (at least not persistently) when we don’t want them. I just moved to a new neighborhood and my kids are obsessed with playing with the neighbors. I am worried that they are going to get sick of my kids because they pretty much stalk their house and end up playing in the their back yard every day. I am not as worried about my 6 year old daughter as I am about my 4 year old son, who is the youngest of all the kids and takes on the “annoying little brother” role. I have tried keeping him home with me and he cried the whole time….I feel like if I were the parent with the problem child, I would be heart broken to know another child didn’t want to play with mine (If mine wanted that child as a friend). I wouldn’t take it personally, but my heart would break for my kid. No one wants their kids to feel rejection….ugh. Awful situation all around. I agree that it used to be up to the kids to negotiate this themselves….I used to call my friends to ask for play dates myself on my house phone. Now I have to text/email/call other mothers….my kids tell me to text people. It’s so weird.
I got nothing on the play date (but lean toward telling a gentle truth prefacing with, “your kids seems lovely but for whatever reason my kid wasn’t into the idea of a playdate-maybe we can check back in a fwe months….you know how kids are….”)
Anyway, not much useful.
But I popped in to leave a comment that I’m missing you on the internet. Hope all is well and you are just busy with kids and summer break. Our school starts tomorrow! Hoping yours starts soon so we have your great posts to read :)
I’m late to the party, but as a parent I would honestly prefer the other parent tell me the truth. “My child just says she doesn’t want to have a playdate with Ruthie. I’m so sorry.” Maybe I’m in the minority.
My daughter keeps asking her friend from school to have a sleepover. The mother has allowed the girl to go swimming with us and come play at our house, but has never directly answered when I’ve asked about a sleepover. (She also doesn’t often reciprocate the playdates.) One time I asked the friend if her mom allows her to have sleepovers at all and she said yes. So I’m perplexed, which is more annoying than being told the truth. I would have a MUCH easier time explaining a REAL reason than to just tell my daughter, “I’m NOT going to keep pestering this woman to death about a sleepover. FOR WHATEVER REASON she won’t answer me.”
I think frankness would have its own issues. “I’m sorry, honey: Sophie’s mom says she can’t sleep over our house, but she won’t say why” doesn’t seem any better than “Sophie’s mom isn’t answering my email, but I don’t know why.” Or if we lived in a world of perfect honesty, I’m trying to think what answer the mom could give that would sit well with the parent or would be easy to explain to a child: “Sophie’s mom says she can’t sleep over our house because she has a creepy feeling about us / doesn’t like you as a friend for Sophie and is hoping to discourage the friendship / doesn’t feel Sophie is safe at our house.” Even though I find it annoying to be perplexed, I think I’d be happier saying, “I don’t know, honey: I’ve asked Sophie’s mom if she can sleep over, but I haven’t heard back from her about that. Is there another friend you’d like to ask?”
Oh! I have the pink one, “Pretty in Polka” and the effect is quite pink. Well, still speckled and granite like, but visably pink at a glance with just 2 coats. I think I posted a picture on Twitter, and I’d post one in here if I could figure out how, but… I’m not that smart.
I debated between the pink & teal. I wanted to be NEW, EXCITING, DARING, but went with the stand-by pink anyway. That being said, I think it was the right choice.