There are times when I want to collect the full spectrum of experience (“We’re considering a guinea pig: tell me everything you know”) and times when I want to deliberately skew the feedback to hear only a specific kind (“I’m fretting while my daughter is at summer camp; tell me only good camp memories”). Today is a day I’d like to deliberately skew the feedback.
My friend has a daughter the same age as Rob (14), and has just discovered her daughter has been self-harming/cutting. We’re going to need pseudonyms to keep this from being confusing. I’ll give them both the most common names from their birth years: we’ll call my friend Jen, and her daughter Emily. Emily told Jen she does it because she feels stupid and ugly and thinks her friends don’t care about her. Jen asked anyone had, for example, touched her inappropriately, and Emily said no.
Jen is starting by finding Emily a therapist to find underlying issues and learn new ways to deal with those issues. She would also be very interested in hearing people’s personal experiences with what worked or what didn’t, either from the point of view of the parent or the child. If you cut as a teenager, what did your parents do right/wrong? How do you wish they’d handled it? What could they have done, if anything, to keep things from progressing? If you tried to stop, which methods helped and which didn’t? If your teenaged child cut, what worked and what didn’t, and what advice would you give to another parent going through the same thing? And it would be so, so lovely to hear about anyone who came through it fine.
This is the kind of subject where there can be stories that are scary without being useful; I think at this stage I’d want to filter those out. The story can be scary (it’s a scary topic), but here’s the filter question: “Is this story USEFUL, or is it scary without being useful?” I remember when I was expecting the twins, it was scary-but-useful for my doctor to prepare me that twin pregnancies are less likely to end well than singleton pregnancies—but it was scary-but-not-useful to have people telling me sad and horrifying anecdotes illustrating this.
Feel free to go anonymous if you like. It’s a difficult and personal topic.
Hmmm. I would suggest Jen starts with Emily’s pediatrician. Doc can check out for physical problems and also should talk to Emily w/o her mom for a minute in case there are things Emily doesn’t want to say to or on front of her mom. Doc can see if she needs meds for depression or anxiety, but most importantly should have lead on a good therapist.
Go through as many therapists as it takes to find one that works. If it is not a good fit, all the sessions in the world won’t help.
Check in with guidance counselor at school. Is there bullying going on? Also school may be able to assist Emily in getting better. Not sure how involved the school nurse would need to be, but its worth mentioning as another support system. Also, although names obvs couldn’t be named, there may be others doing the same things. Whether to do harm or because kids can do stupid things on their own or in groups. Is Emily doing this alone?
Psychiatrists and psychologists will tell you that people cut to release feelings they can’t express verbally or otherwise. That was never the case for me. In the most blunt and probably hard to hear statement, I will tell you that I was a cutter. And when I cut, every time was a little deeper and a little more. I wanted to know if I had “the guts” to be able to slice deeply into and artery if I ever “needed” to.
Make sure that kid is told she is loved. She needs to feel it though too, words don’t always do it alone.
Around age 15/16, I went through the same thing. After going through my first real breakup and losing quite a few close friends, I started feeling depressed and experimented with hurting myself in various ways to try to deal with that. This went on for many months without admitting it to anyone, even the new guy I started to date. As things got more serious I wasn’t able to hide it as well and the boyfriend had a sit-down talk with my mom about what he thought was going on. They both confronted me about it and my mom decided that I needed to start therapy immediately. I think that she didn’t really know what to say so she wanted me to have somebody else to have those “motherly talks” with. I was lucky that the therapist that we chose at random was to date one of the nicest people I have ever met, and we had a lot in common.
As an angsty 16-year-old, I didn’t think that the therapy was doing any good because I didn’t immediately feel happy like I thought I would. The therapist didn’t “fix” me within the first few visits, oh no! Looking back on this, it was just the casual conversations and slow but steady improvement that made all the difference. I made the (very personal) decision not to take the anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications that were recommended to me, just because I wanted to see how my brain and body did recovering on their own. Throughout my visits with the therapist, which were weekly for just over a year, I was still classified as depressed but I could tell personally that I was making huge improvements. I continued to date the same boy who had clued my mom in to everything, and I was able to use him as sort of a second therapist.
Years later, looking back on all this, I think that everyone involved handled it really well. My mom understood that teenage me was not going to pour my feelings out to her and that she needed an outside party to help. My boyfriend at the time knew to tell my mom in the first place that he suspected I was headed the wrong way, and my therapist knew that what I needed wasn’t to be analyzed and constantly questioned, but just talked to as an adult.
Sorry for this LOOOOOONGGG story, but you wanted helpful anecdotes and I think that it may help to hear from someone who went through a similar situation as Emily. The best advice I can offer to her mother or anyone involved is to make sure she has a strong support system made up of more than just family. Family is incredibly important, but at that age it is likely that she would push away and that only makes things more scary!
In her early 20s, a close friend of mine cut briefly during a mental health crisis and she and her doctors were pretty nonchalant about it, to my surprise. She had two brief hospitalisations, had follow-up care with family doctors and psychologists/counselors for a few years and has never since had another mental health crisis. When the crisis was over, she stopped cutting.
One of my students, -approx 16yo at the time, whose moods concerned me and I referred to a guidance counselor disclosed to me a year later that she’d been (secretly) cutting at the time to deal grief over her grandmother’s illness. After her grieving period, the cutting stop.
But some people self-injure on an ongoing basis. One of the most helpful things I’ve read for understanding it, written from a self-injurer’s perspective is this blog post: http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2009/10/trigger-warning/
My take-away from it and some of the comments was “pain I can control.” The post also deals a lot with the shame/stigma surrounding self-injury.
I hope things turn around for Emily!
First of all, I think it’s a great sign that she’s been able to have an open discussion about this with Emily. I was a cutter and did ANYTHING to hide it. The few times my mom saw anything I made up all sorts of lies to explain the scars. I was very depressed, anxious, and insecure in high school (and college) and my parents didn’t talk to me about it much – I shut down whenever they tried to. They sent me to a therapist when I was a teenager, but I was told that the therapist would be discussing our sessions with my parents. Because of this I didn’t open up in therapy AT ALL and was able to convince him and my parents that I was fine (I’m assuming anyway, since they stopped taking me after a couple months).
In college I went back into therapy on my own and made amazing progress. It took years and years but I’m basically depression free at this point (although still insecure and sometimes deal with anxiety – but now I have the tools needed to deal with these feelings). And I have a great relationship with my parents now. I’ve been in several different kinds of therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was the most effective for me.
My advice to Jen based on my experience would be to treat the depression/anxiety/lack of confidence – not the cutting (since it’s just a symptom), and to assure Emily that her therapy is confidential (except in the case of something life threatening such as suicide threats, etc). Since she’s already talking to you about these things that’s a great start – it means she trusts you. I also wouldn’t focus too much on the idea that something really *bad* may have happened to her – I know that when people assumed I had been abused etc (which was NOT the case) it made me feel even worse – like; “I feel so horrible for no reason – I must be a really horrible person.” Above all, be open with her and TRUST her. Good luck – you will both get through this!
I’ve taught middle and HS for seven years and in my experience, therapy, having a teacher/counselor at school, etc. is a good place to start. Most kids need adults that are not their parents in their corner. In my experience with kids, cutting is a way of releasing pain. What many therapists/teachers/parents skip is teaching kids a healthy way of dealing with pain or stress. Sometimes, a combo of talk therapy and a healthy outlet like a sport, journal, art, music, etc. where the child can direct their energy is really helpful.
I was “a cutter” (really dislike the label, though) starting in middle school and continuing through high school. My parents never did anything for it because I went to great lengths to conceal it, and I lied about anything they did notice. I eventually just outgrew it. As for WHY, for me at least, it basically boiled down to it being a stress release. The same way adults will proclaim the need for a stiff drink at the end of a hard day, cutting (or burning for me; about half the time, I self-harmed using a bobby pin heated up, like a brand) just smoothed frayed nerves and dulled the rough edges. I don’t know if I would have talked to a therapist or not. I’m thinking probably not.
ok. i was a cutter for about a decade, to the extent that i was severely anemic and was hospitalized. i tell you that part not to scare you but because part of the reason it got so bad is because my parents ignored it. obviously Jen isn’t doing this, but it is really important to take cutting seriously. however, not TOO seriously. cutting is actually really common–at least, superficial cutting is. i’ve heard estimates as high as 1/3 of teenage girls will try it. the single highest risk factor is maternal neglect, but that’s generally more true for several cases of cutting, not more run of the mill cutting. often girls cut because they don’t feel like they have words to express their feelings. being a teenager can suck, and it can be really hard to put words to this. sometimes it’s a way to ask for attention.
things to do, concretely: the most important thing is to get help. find a really, really good therapist, one that Emily really likes. see a psychiatrist as well, and these should be two different ppl. if there is a depressive or anxiety disorder involved, meds can really help. and at her age the therapist will be working with Jen a lot too, and can assess Emily’s risk for really serious physical harm. there are things like no harm contracts and such that sometimes some therapists like. they have really mixed efficacy though. Don’t be afraid to try different therapists. the relationship matters more than just about anything. just start with google, and dont be afraid to ask different ppl in your town. Jen should keep an eye on Emily; it doesnt mean watching her shave, but do watch her, and if the cutting starts to get very serious, well, then you look at removing sharp objects and doors from hinges (and yet kids who are going to cut will cut regardless, which is why early treatment is important).
if you/Jen is interested I can put together a book and other resource list. to start check out Lisa Diamond Raab, who has a dvd oncutting and teenagers, and the website Secret Shame. I am also always happy to talk to people about this. I have a ton of articles, info, etc. and here is my letter to a teenager in a pysch ward, which is everything i have learned: http://vanessasvsteck.wordpress.com/2012/09/09/all-the-advice-i-have/
Definitely getting a therapist Emily feels comfortable with, is key. I was a secret cutter at about age 15. I was severely depressed (probably needed meds but never got them). I wish my mom had offered to spend more time with me doing things for others, like volunteering at an animal shelter. Like a lot of depressed teens, I was overly focused on myself, my friends, gossip etc. and I think it would have raised my self esteem to help others and see myself as worth more than my looks, grades, how cool I was/ wasn’t etc..
big fan of this suggestion Susan. teens don’t usually have much perspective, and while i could imagine this making some feel worse (life is so unfair! suffering everywhere!), i also think it’s a great step in understanding the reality of human beings in not-great circumstances and seeing the resources and help other human beings can provide.
Just a quick echo to this suggestion–gives Emily an outlet to care for something;/someone else, doing it alongside her mom or sibs is helpful, doesn’t feel all “therapy-ish,” helps her perspective-taking ability and her awareness of her own ability to help others and do good. Maybe offer her some choice in the selection (animal shelter, senior center, youth program, etc.) but have some concrete ideas in mind, because it’s hard to generate ideas when you’re feeling down.
I used to cut as a teenager/young adult. What helped me was a really, really, really good therapist. I hated my first therapist. So advice #1 is if the first therapist(s) doesn’t/don’t work, keep looking. Find someone who “clicks” with Emily. If she feels safe and cared for in therapy things will go a whole lot better.
As far as what Jen can do other than help find a therapist it’s hard to say, it depends on Emily. Be there, listen, try to connect, all the usual parenting stuff. Tell her that she is loved and wanted and cared for and SHOW her that. All the normal good parenting stuff. She may eat it up or she may resist, it depends on Emily and what her root issue is.
For what worked for me in therapy/in life to stop: I signed weekly promise contracts with my therapist that I would refrain from self harm until I saw her again (we both signed every week). It made it manageable to promise to not cut for a week (between appointments) vs. to promise to not cut ever again in my life. Sort of the one day at a time thing alcoholics do. I also had to find things to do when the urge to cut struck. At first they were other somewhat painful but less dangerous things like squeezing an ice cube in my hand super hard until it melted or snapping a rubber band on my wrist. As therapy progressed I was able to move to healthier things like meditation or taking a walk or petting my cat or folding origami or whatever to distract myself.
I don’t actually know where in the country you live, but if your friend is in the Boston suburbs area I know a fantastic therapist there. Fantastic.
It gets better though. And it will totally be okay. She’s doing the right thing, and a therapist can help so much. It’s scary, but it can all be just fine. Promise.
I think it’s fantastic that they are having a conversation about this. That Emily feels comfortable talking to her mom. That is a great sign. I started cutting at 14 and my parents never said a word about it. They did, however, recognize there was a problem and got me in to therapy. Like someone else said, it took a while to find a therapist that I clicked with but it’s so important that that happens. Mine may have been a little unorthodox, she let me go for walks with her outside and allowed me to smoke (I was already smoking at this age) but it allowed me to let some of my walls down. I continued to cut, but not as often. Like someone else mentioned, it was more of a way for me to release internal pain. I couldn’t see what was “wrong” with me when I was depressed, so cutting allowed me a way to let was inside out. If that makes sense. Eventually I stopped. But about 12 years later I went through a horrifically hard time and began again (again, as an outlet for my internal pain) and it was much more obvious. At one time my entire forearm was bandaged because I just did line after line after line like hash marks. Again, my family said nothing. But one night my nephew was over for dinner, looked right at my healing arm and said (in front of everyone) “I have a friend who cuts herself too. I’m sorry that you’re sad.” I know it sounds stupid, but that did it. I was done and haven’t done it or wanted to do it since.
In fairness to my parents, they did everything they knew to do. They loved the hell out of me but had no idea what to do or say. I think they thought if they ignored it, it would just go away. I put my parents through hell and back several times for a good 15+ years & we both lived to tell about it.
I am sure that everything will work out for your friend and her daughter, but in the meantime, I’ll be thinking about her.
This story made me cry. Your nephew is wonderful.
Thanks Annika, he is pretty special!
My best friend started cutting herself in college… a little older than Emily, but both of us went through our teenage struggles on a delayed schedule. I was, as far as I’m aware, the only one who knew. Her parents were not very aware or helpful — part of the core issues that were contributing to her depression that she was dealing with through self-harm.
It was so, so scary and hard to know what she was doing. I got sick to my stomach sometimes when I thought about it, and it was many years before I could hear about cutting in a general way without getting upset. I had already known she was depressed, but having it manifest in that way felt way more big and scary and real than just thinking, “she’s depressed.”
From what she told me then and has said since, though, it wasn’t that way for her. For her, the depression was what was bad. How she felt every day was what was bad. The cutting was just a way to cope. From the outside, the cutting was the really horrific and upsetting part, but from her perspective it was just a symptom.
She got into therapy and got better. She’s fine now… I officiated her wedding last January, and it was awesome.
My heart goes out to Jen, because watching someone you love go through this can be so, so hard. My advice to her would be to focus on the depression rather than the self-harm, as much as possible. It’s hard when the self-harm is the part you see as the big scary deal, but the depression is the part that’s actually dangerous to Emily. Keep looking for help and resources about teenage self-harm, but also look for stuff that’s about depression more generally. And get support for herself too. The next few years are going to be hard, even if everything goes in the best possible way. It is not selfish or unreasonable to look for support when you’re supporting someone you love through depression or other mental illness.
I hope you’ll give us updates on how she’s doing from time to time.
I went through a period in my life where I cut myself. I was a college sophomore who was severely depressed. I cut myself for two reasons: I couldn’t control the emotional pain in my life, so I tried to control the physical pain, but also because I wanted to see if I would ever be able to just end it all. I guess ultimately it was always about control. I felt very out of control at that point in my life: I couldn’t control why I was sad, I couldn’t control how I felt or how others felt about me, but I could control this aspect of my life. I had the ultimate control over whether I lived or died. My parents had no idea. I was 300 miles from home and I certainly wasn’t about to call them and tell them that I was taking a box cutter to my hands and wrists. One day, for whatever reason, I’d had enough and I knew I was about to go too far and I called my mom and told her that I didn’t want to talk about why, but I wanted to see a therapist. She said she respected my privacy, gave me our insurance information and said if you need me I’ll be here for you, but do whatever you need to do. It’s been over 10 years since that day and I’ve never looked back. For me, I just appreciated that my mom didn’t grill me, ask me what was wrong, or make it about her.
I have never self harmed, but I do suffer from an anxiety disorder, and did go through a really rough patch when I was a similar age. As far as I can ascertain from talking to other people, the cutting is the symptom not the cause. From personal experience, therapy is by far the best course to take – and as others have said, getting the right therapist is crucial. I highly recommend Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, as this has been the single most helpful therapy I have ever had – but I didn’t have it until I was an adult. As a teen, I had regular counselling, which helped. Having a supportive family also helped. I think CBT is the best reprogramming tool, but nothing is more important than finding the rot person.
The thing is, Emily needs to want therapy. That she has spoken to Jen is a promising sign. What she needs is for Jen and her family to be non-judgemental – whatever is causing her to self harm is a huge issue for her and trivialising it will not help. Neither will overdramatising it.
Medication may be useful; it’s certainly worth discussing if this a depression/anxiety issue. It’s not always necessary, and it’s not always long-term, either.
My heart goes out to Emily, Jen and you.
I’m 34 and I started self harm when I was in middle school. I hadn’t seen or heard any examples of it, I just had a compulsion to harm myself. I should note that I’ve dealt with Depression and Anxiety issues since I was about 7. I was on Wellbutrin for a while and that helped both the Depression/Anxiety and the compulsion. I’m not on it now (uninsured) and I still occasionally feel the urge to self harm, but I’m able to ride it out more easily now. Getting out of puberty and out of a tumultuous and abusive/stressful family situation both helped quite a bit.
Getting a professional to help Emily is absolutely the best first step. Her parents should be careful not to make Emily feel guilty or weird or ashamed about what she’s doing. Sometimes people get mono or break a leg or develop a mental illness or start self harming. None of those things are inherently shameful or wrong. Don’t be afraid of medication. Some people with mental health issues take prescription medication for a short while and are able to wean off of them, others take them forever. Neither option is inherently bad! Some people with diabetes take insulin until they learn to best manage their diet, others take insulin forever because their blood sugar levels do not stabilize no matter what they do/do not eat or how active etc they are. Go into therapy with an open mind, and be open to the idea of medication. Emily may not need it, but please don’t dismiss it out of hand.
Good luck to Emily and her parents. Self harm can be really scary both those harming and those who love them.
I’m sorry, I can’t stand to read the comments, so maybe this has already been said.
I was a cutter when I was a teen and the best thing my parents did for me was to let me have a say in my treatment. We went to one therapist who wanted me in inpatient treatment immediately. I didn’t want to do that, and I didn’t feel like she was listening to me. My parents could have easily said that I wasn’t all that qualified to make good choices for myself, being the girl with a stash of razor blades under my bed and in my diary. But they listened to me, and we kept looking. We found another therapist who I was comfortable with, and that worked out really well.
This led to the second great thing they did for me. After just a few months of therapy I was supposed to leave for New Zealand for a year as an exchange student. Again, they could have easily cited the excuse of “you’re crazy-pants” to keep me home, but I went. It was good for me.
Cutting is an addiction. I haven’t cut for decades, and still, when I’m having a bad day, I can feel it in the skin of my wrists. Not that I WANT to, but that…I can feel it. It doesn’t make you a bad person, or crazy. It’s only one version of the many ways we self-harm. Good luck to your friend and her daughter. They’re in my prayers.
These responses are awesome, in that they show the full range of responses/attitudes toward this issue. Sometimes parental involvement can help, sometimes it makes things worse. Sometimes it is a long-term, non-severe problem, sometimes it escalates. Sometimes residential treatment is a good idea, sometimes it isn’t. Please keep in mind that a cutting addiction can get out of hand, to where it is life-threatening. It’s a tough road for parents to walk with their teen, often made tougher by a teen’s unwillingness to communicate with his/her parents. Parents are given all sorts of conflicting advice: don’t overreact, take it seriously; stay involved with your teen’s therapy, don’t get involved at all; seek residential treatment, find once-a-week outpatient treatment. All I can say is, trust your own instincts as parents as to what your child needs – professionals can give you advice, but only you know what fits your teen’s situation best. There are bad therapists/psychiatrists out there (as there are incompetent people in any profession). There are therapists who are not adept with handling/treating your particular child’s personality type. DO NOT HESITATE to switch therapists/doctors.
Much love to your friend, Swistle.
I think I’m the odd one out here… I’m 14. I guess it’s kind of weird for a teenager to like your blog, but reading about other people’s lives kind of reassures me about my own. And I can provide you with the super secret inside information. But first a bit of a back story. This past fall my Dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital for about two weeks, during which he had a surgery to remove a blockage in his arteries. During this time I was in the 8th grade, taking all honors courses, and two high school classes. In those two weeks, my grades went from all A’s to mostly C’s and D’s. Eventually, my Dad got better, but I had to try to pull my grades up before the end of the semester. As you can imagine, that was a lot of stress. I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but eventually I started self harming. First it was scratching my arm so hard it would bleed. Eventually it became cutting myself with a razor blade. I thought about suicide. Not in the serious planning way, but as a what if. What if I just ended it all? No more stress, nothing to worry about. It will all be over. This sounds horrible, but I would think about ways to do it. One of the things that stopped me was how I would actually do it. I hate guns, I don’t want my little sister to find me hanging in a closet, I hate taking pills. I don’t know why, but no one noticed my change in behavior. I guess I’ve always been shy, and it wasn’t that hard to put on a smile for the half an hour I had lunch with my friends. There ended up being two things that really helped me. Number one- I found music that inspired me. That sounds kind of dumb, but I started listening to music more often, and found lots of amazing people, like Jon Cozart, and the band My Chemical Romance. Number two- One day, this guy who I only had a couple classes with randomly started talking to me. Eventually I became friends with his friends, and by the end of the school year, had an amazing group of people to talk to. When I only talked to two people, I felt like everything I did just affected me, but knowing that making a stupid decision would hurt so many other people made me really want to get better. Eventually, I gradually stopped hurting myself. The only thing I have a problem with now is how to tell my parents, or anybody. I recently found out that severe depression and other psychological problems run in my family. I’m scared that my feelings might come back again, and I don’t know how to deal with that. One thing I think Jen needs to do is find out if Emily thinks about suicide. There’s a difference between not being able to cope with sadness and stress, and truly wanting to kill yourself. Unfortunately, a lot of people start out as the first, and then think their whole life is worthless. I hope Emily gets the help and encouragement she needs.
Sweetheart, I hope you will see this reply. Anxiety and similar runs in my family too, and I’m quite afflicted with generalized anxiety disorder myself (I’ve had the luck of never being depressed, fortunately, but the anxiety can be debilitating too). What I will say is this — knowing it runs in your family is actually very helpful, when I knew that my mom also had anxiety issues, it actually helped me cope and better understand what was going on in my mind and body. I found self-help books, and eventually signed up for some therapy when I was in University, because they offered it on our campus and it was covered with our medical care (Cognitive Behavioural Group Therapy was best for me). I was able to create my own coping strategies for my anxiety, because step one was to identify it in myself and in my family and then search for a lot of self-initiated and personalized ways to kick-start my more positive thinking when the negative and anxious feelings were pushing at the perimeter and trying to get in. I would figure out my personal “triggers” through a lot of journaling… and then figure out what I needed to do to keep myself in as happy a state as possible (monitoring what I watch on TV — not much news for example, too sad most of the time; also what genre of novels I read, everything like that). You sound like an intelligent young woman, listen to your personal cues, focus on the positive as much as possible, and learn a lot about what helps you to stay positive — as you have, through music and friendship. I recommend a journal of positive thoughts, and glancing through the self-help book aisle because it helps you see you aren’t alone and provides strategies you can try — or have in your back pocket “if” you were to ever need them. Don’t be afraid of who you are or who you may be — there are all sorts of us out here, living life to its fullest even when we don’t feel happy or strong every day. If you need to, mention your feelings to your physician, too. Don’t be afraid to speak up when coping alone is getting too hard. Just saying out loud how you feel can be a huge relief. I wish you THE VERY BEST, and believe in you so much. We may be strangers on the Internet, but your comment really spoke to me… I hope you will have a long, happy, healthy life the best way you can. I’m saying that from age 28, and the view from here is much better than it was in high school — you can get to this stage, too. :-)
As silly as it sounds, I was kind of worried about how people would respond. I’m definitely going to take your advice, and I really want you to know how much this means to me. This has been the first time I’ve ever talked about how I was feeling, and I think I will tell someone. If they react half as kind as you did, it would be amazing. It’s nice to know that someone understands. Aww, I’m crying now. Thank you for caring about a random teenage girl on the internet, I hope you know how wonderful you are.
I’m glad you’re going to talk to someone. When i was 14-15, I too imagined how I could commit suicide and then why I didn’t like each method. Things were really shitty at home and I was stressing out about if I wanted to start a court battle to change custody. I did end up talking to my mom, changing custody to live with her (a fight, but not as bad as I’d feared), and things got better.
I’m now 32 and, like Ms. Key said, things really are better on this side. :) Definitely talk to an adult about what you’re feeling so they can help. Supportive friends are awesome, but sometimes it can be hard for them to know how to help or to be able to get you access to whatever resources you may need. A favorite teacher or one of your friends’ parents can help you and support you when you tell your parents. And until you’re ready, there are various hotlines with people you can talk to anonymously.
Just know that you’re not alone and you’re not the only person to ever have those feelings and you don’t have to deal with them alone.
I definitely agree that knowing you have a family history of mental health issues can be used to your advantage! As a depressed teenager, finding out that my mom had gone through the same thing helped me open up to her just by asking her to be honest with me about her antidepressants, which she had always been pretty secretive about. That led into a big discussion of whether or not I needed to be on medication as well, and I was really able to open up to her. I hope you have someone in your family that you can have these conversations with- parent, aunt, sibling… It made all the difference for me, and hopefully can help you too. Good luck and remember that it can and will get better!
I didn’t start cutting until I was a grown married woman. I had a history of depression, but this marriage thing was rough. . .
So my parents never knew, and my poor husband had to deal with me/it.
Not too long after, I got pregnant and that was what really turned the tide for me. I wanted to hurt and damage my own body, but now someone else was completely dependent on my body for their life.
So little 14 year old Emily should get knocked up. Just kidding!! But if there is a way for her to get outside herself a little, someone suggested getting involved in community service or something, then that’s something that Jen can help with. Therapy is good and important, but I imagine Jen would like to be DOING something and helping Emily in a very visible way to know that she is loved.
Also, I’m doing great nowadays. It took a few years to stop wanting to cut, but now my only addiction is diet dr. Pepper. Oh, and candy crush. See? Normal! Healthy! Amazing!
This is “Jen”, and this post is about my daughter. I can’t thank all of you who posted here enough for sharing your stories with me. I am so grateful for the outside observations and encouragement, especially because I’m feeling pretty alone with this right now. It’s not something I want to share with a lot of people that I know, because many of them have children who know Emily, and I promised her that no one would have to know if she didn’t want them to, although many of her friends know already because of things she was posting online. I just know that people talk, especially about things like this, and I don’t want to feel like anyone is judging her or our family.
I made her an appointment with a therapist, and I guess we’ll go from there. I hope she likes the person, but if she doesn’t there are many other doctors in the practice she can switch to. I’m afraid that she won’t actually talk, or that she’ll lie to try and get out of going, but from the looks of her arm right now, it’s going to take more than a week for the marks to go away, if they ever do entirely, so she’s not going to be able to say it was a one-time thing, etc.
My sweet talented baby, who thinks she’s stupid and ugly, is so beautiful, and was accepted into a high school for the arts in not one but two programs – she actually had her choice of focusing on vocal or her instrument, and the directors of both of the programs were emailing her to try and convince her to pick their program! She’s in all honors classes, and next year will be in all AP classes. She’s everything I ever dreamed a girl would be, and to see her going through this is unbelievably awful and shocking, since she’s always seemed so well-adjusted and happy.
Reading the posts about how many of you were able to successfully hide your cuts for so long actually made me feel a lot better, and less of a bad parent, although I will probably be second-guessing myself for a long, long time, as will her father, who is also devastated to find out how unhappy she is and scared that he may have somehow fed into it. I will definitely be checking into all the resources that many of you posted, and thank you again for your support and kind words. Also thank you to my friend of 25+ years, Swistle, for posting this for me. xox
Hello, I don’t know if you read my earlier comment, but I’m 14 and have had problems with self harming. I just wanted you to know that I think you’re a wonderful person, and Emily is lucky to have such awesome parents. Emily sounds like an amazing person, and I hope she knows how much people care about her. Good luck with everything!
When I was in my last year of high school, a friend showed me and another friend of ours (we’ll call her Elle) at lunch time her wrists which she had cut the weekend before. We were in shock, not being the type of girls who had any experience with that type of thing… and this was a happy-go-lucky friend of ours, so we were just so surprised. I remember discussing with Elle what we should do, and then we decided to approach our high school guidance counsellor. We spoke to them without giving our friend’s name, until they convinced us that being able to talk to her themselves would be for her best interest. We gave her name, and they called her down the next day to talk. I was home sick that day, and I remember she called me at lunch hour SO ANGRY at me… but I just kept saying to her, “you don’t have to be my friend anymore, but I love you and want you to get help, I want you to be healthy and to care for yourself, and if I lose you as a friend but know that I have helped you get better, then I can accept that”. We didn’t lose our friendship, and in the end it worked out well because it led to her mom revealing to her that she was taking medication for depression, so our friend spoke to her family doctor and was medicated as well, and she is a grown woman, a nurse, and is doing really well now. This isn’t a parent story, but it is a teen experience story… and fortunately my friend got the help she needed and by having her mom reveal something about her own history it brought them together, too.
I did some cutting a couple of years ago (triggered by a medication I was on), so I don’t have any teen-specific advice. I cut my thighs because almost no one ever saw them. That might be something to keep in mind down the road if you think Emily might be getting more secretive about hurting herself. I saw that someone mentioned wearing a rubber band. I was hospitalized not long after I started cutting, and that was the only useful thing the therapist there did for me. The pain from snapping myself on the wrist was enough of a release to get me through when I wanted nothing more than to get out my razor blade. With therapy and the correct medication, I got over my urge to cut. I hope that works for Emily, too I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and I wish you and Emily the best.
I started when I was 12 or 13. I had never heard of “cutting”. I did it more when I was 14. I had inadvertently found a surprisingly and unfortunately successful treatment for depression/ anxiety- if I felt REALLY BAD and didn’t know what to do, it would sort of reset the circuitry and make me feel better immediately, even though I was then injured.
My parents noticed when I was 14. They reacted understandably and badly with anger. Then they sent me to a psychologist. Talking about issues was not helpful for me. Maybe the shrink was a dud, maybe she’d never seen this before (really??), but her reaction was to be confused, and her recommendation for fixing it was “just don’t do it anymore”.
After years of occasional recurrences (once every year or two) my advice is this ( it’s been about 5 years, I’m 35 and think I’m okay now):
1. Don’t be angry. It’s her body. Tell her you don’t want her to do it, but don’t be mad.
2. Find a therapist she likes.
3. Don’t automatically accept that “journaling!” is the solution. Maybe that will work for your kid, but for some dwelling on things makes it worse.
4. Consider a contract, written and signed by your kid with your help or the shrink’s help, and maybe a friend of your kid. Have her sign saying she won’t hurt herself and what she will try instead. For me, “just don’t do it” wasn’t the worst advice I got. It helped a little!
5. It’s okay. Don’t panic! yet! It’s (unfortunately) not that weird. It’s a sign that needs to be investigated to see if the underlying cause is severe, but, it may be relatively easily fixable and not a sign of something awful.
Now when I feel that crummy I know enough to tell myself “hush, be still, be good to yourself and go have some tea, you’ll feel better in 2-3 days”. When I was 14 I didn’t know that and thought there was something horribly wrong with me. I’m a little depressed sometimes. But I’m okay. :)
I started scratching my arm with the point of a scissors when I was 15 or so because I felt completely overwhelmed with pain and needed an outlet. Gradually the scratching developed into cutting. I am now in my twenties, happily employed, and in a good relationship with a good person. I no longer cut. Take that, depression!
Some thoughts:
– for me, cutting my hair (like, cutting it in the bathroom by myself, not going to the salon) was another form of self-harm. Not saying it is for everyone, but. Something of which to be aware.
– as others have said, in most cases the cutting is a symptom. When the underlying depression is treated, the urge to cut won’t be as strong (and eventually, it WILL vanish).
– in the short term, however, if Emily feels the need to cut, she might try some of the following: popping bubble wrap, squeezing ice cubes in her hands, ripping paper into shreds, going for a run.
– I kept a diary from age 11 to age 20 but came to realize that journaling while depressed was actually helping to perpetuate my depression, because I would re-read old entries and Feel the Feelings again instead of letting them fade into memory. If writing is a helpful outlet for Emily, she might try disposing of the pages as she finishes them, or giving them to you with your promise that you won’t look at them.
– for me, it took being involuntarily hospitalized (spoiler alert: Not Fun) and put on an SSRI before I stabilized. Therapy wasn’t enough. HOWEVER, I was truly, madly, deeply sick, for years, AND my parents were not initially receptive when I tried to explain how bad I was feeling; and FURTHER, as stated above, I am now not only fine but in fact quite happy. I am glad to be alive, which I absolutely could not have imagined during my bad years. It gets better.
Best wishes, Emily and Jen.
I second the thoughts about journaling and ‘feeling the feelings again’. Writing about fears, anxiety, or depression, and then tearing up the paper, can be very therapeutic.
I have a 14 year old niece going through this. I can actually understand why, she has had a really hard year. For her, it is about not having ways to cope with what she’s gone through (think broken heart, ear surgery, being raped etc…). She doesnt feel comfortable with the professionals chosen FOR her (not BY her), she wanted to find her own adult that she could confide in. She was very secretive but got found out when my sister forced her to the doctor for her excema (sp?). We are also working on giving her things to look forward to so she has some hope that better days are coming. She’s flying to us next school holidays for some TLC and fun. The one thing stopping her right now though, is that my sister threatened to have her sectioned. Not sure that is what I’d call quality parenting but it seems to be working.
Be compassionate toward your sister – being the parent of a teen with emotional problems is very, very hard. You probably don’t know all that she is dealing with, and she needs your support! Your niece has had a hard year, and I am sure her parents are suffering, also.
I used to self harm when I was a teenager (I’m 27 now). I did it from the age of 15 to about 19. I did it because I had a traumatic childhood, and because when I was 15 I found out some horrible information about my past which “triggered” the self harm. I was unpopular at school and there were LOT of people my age who were self harming so that gave me ideas about how to do it and what with etc.
My parents either didn’t notice the scars (which I find really hard to believe, because there were a lot of scars/scabs/wounds and I had bandages on all the time) or did notice and didn’t say anything.
I would have preferred my parents to have brought up the self harming to show me that they cared. I felt that by completely ignoring it they were giving me the message that they didn’t care. HOWEVER, I was deeeply deeply ashamed of the cuts and so it would have needed to be done very very very gently and with no hint of judgement, annoyance, overly concerned etc. I think what I would have liked would have been if they had (each time they noticed I had self harmed) brought it up in a really non-confrontational and caring way, given m ea hug, told me they loved me etc.
My self harming got worse when I was getting serious with a boyfriend and spending a lot of time with a group of friends who were not from my school who drank a lot/ self harmed/ smoked weed. I think if my parents had, not banned me from seeing them (which would have absolutely made me a lot worse), but encouraged me to spend a bit more time doing “normal” things with family maybe I wouldn’t have been sucked in so deeply to that culture. We were all unhappy teens and were drawn to each other because we wanted closeness and comfort that we weren’t getting from our families.
In the end I stopped cutting because I wasn’t depressed any more and so I didn’t need it as a coping mechanism anymore. I also think I grew out of it. I only ever cut when I was depressed or frustrated. The depression went away so I didn’t need to cut any more due to that and the frustration went away because I stopped being a teenager and matured a bit. I had a job, I had a new older boyfriend who was more level headed, I moved out and didn’t feel trapped in the family home any longer. If I had had someone professional to talk to I’m sure I would have stopped even quicker because I’m sure the depression would have subsided more quickly.
The two things I would say that parents should do with self harming kids are: Don’t judge, don’t control. Those are the things I was most afraid of and the most drove me to self harm (feeling judged, feeling controlled).
Now I’m 27 and I just bought my first house with my husband; a lovely family home. I got a good degree at Uni, followed by a post graduation qualification and a great job. From age 19 to 23/4 I slowly became more and more confident and left the old me, who used to self harm, behind. For me, it really was “just a phase” and just a way for me to deal with firstly just being a teenager and secondly with the not very nice things in my past. Something about the pain of self harm made the huge feelings I was experiencing bearable.
There are so many good comments here; I just wanted to add one idea I hadn’t seen yet. If we are assuming that the self-harm is a desire to express herself–pain, sadness, frustration–what about gearing her toward other ways to express herself openly such as her dress, hair, and music? I was a very high-achieving teen who was also highly depressed, and I think that harming myself was sometimes an effort to express to everyone that I wasn’t as “perfect” as I appeared (although no one ever knew). It helped me to find music that expressed more of an edge and listen to that (although I had to do so in my car since it wasn’t allowed at home!)
What if you introduced her to vintage styles, let her make some “alternate” choices about her hair, etc. that would allow her to alter her appearance and be expressive in positive/neutral ways and might take down some of the need to express herself in destructive ways?
Much love to you both. Jen, I love how much you are doing to help your daughter. She is incredibly lucky to have you.
I don’t have personal experience with cutting, but I know a teen girl with several suicide attempts behind her. I think a big thing, not only for her, but for her mother, was that there was someone who didn’t judge, but just accepted them as they were, acknowledged that they were going through a tough time, and listened when they needed to talk. This wasn’t a therapist or family member, just a family friend who had been through her share of tough stuff. When things were too much to take at home, there was a place they could go where they felt safe and loved. She is now attending a special “camp” for struggling teens where they teach how to deal with all the stuff that puts them at risk and gives them perspective and focus. The family isn’t completely healed, if they ever will be, but they finally seem hopeful.
Jen and Emily might find the number for a help line to keep handy. The people who answer those calls are trained to deal with all kinds of situations. Emily could talk through her feelings when she feels the urge to cut. Jen can talk through her own feelings and get advice. It can be anonymous or they can help start the process of finding a therapist suited to their situation.
The point is that they don’t have to get through it alone because there are people who do care.
I cut my arms a few times in junior high. There was a lot of pressure from my parents to get good grades, and I was failing math and felt I couldn’t go to them. I remember my mom yelling at me “Do I need to take you to a THERAPIST? Are you on DRUGS?”. My family is does not believe depression is a real thing, and refused to ever seek mental help for anythingIn hindsight, I wish SO BADLY we had gone to therapy THEN, instead of me dealing with all the issues myself years later.
I self-harmed to a lesser degree as a teenager, through high school & college. As others have said, it wasn’t the self-harm that’s the issue – it’s a symptom. I can tell you now, and could have told anyone then, that the way my father acted towards me was a huge part of the problem. Unfortunately, any attempts to explain this led either to me being told I was a liar (he’d NEVER say such a thing), I was hypersensitive (well he didn’t mean it that way!), or false promises that his behavior would change. I learned pretty quick that I was the problem. And yes – I was always that well-adjusted kid with good behavior and good grades. That just meant that I had to stay strong and internalize everything.
The first major fix for me was to move out for college. The second was to get a horse. Meds didn’t do me any good, and I actually had to sit there and tell my doctor that yes, I really AM depressed, and I’d like medication please. (Not that I wanted medication, since I knew what the trigger was, but no one else was going to let that into their reality, so the answer was naturally to medicate me.) Neither is immediately reasonable for a 14 year old.
Looking back, I wish I had started therapy sooner (I went for a year in college) – maybe even group therapy, which gives the feeling that others are supporting, which is what I was sorely lacking. The catch: I knew nothing was really confidential since I wasn’t legally an adult, and my trust in authority figures was pretty thoroughly shot, so I don’t think I would have gone for therapy sooner anyway. Find what the triggers are, and then find what helps (personally: pony time, art, writing, finding support from friends – although I learned I have to be very specific in how I want that support, otherwise they’re willing but clueless and likely to say the wrong things). Find what makes things worse (personally: books with a particularly dark theme will put me in a really dark mindset, so I don’t read those anymore) and learn to avoid those.
Possibly even ask her how you can help, specifically – if she is feeling/doing X, you can do Y to help. Maybe it’s just sitting and letting her rant irrationally to you and not trying to reason with her until it’s out of her system. There’s value in validating her feelings.
I graduated from college, got a job, and kept the horse. Conversations with my father are now on my terms, and I no longer feel obligated to go through pleasantries when they’re making me miserable. Life? Life is good. Do things occasionally flare up, yes, but things are SO, SO much better than they were, and I’m genuinely happy part of the time now, something that was completely out of my reach five years ago.
I’d refer Jen to read WouldaShoulda.com. Mir’s daughter went through this last year and she (Mir) was incredibly honest about how she found out, and dealt with it….
I lived with a girl for a semester of college who was a cutter (among other issues). She would periodically give me all of her glass and scissors and ask me to get them away from her once she came out to me. For her personal situation, I think it was about getting as much of my attention as humanly possible…she used it to manipulate me into staying home with her instead of studying or going out with my friends. It was too much for 18 year old me to handle and I wish I would have done a lot of things differently.
I can’t imagine how hard this would be to deal with as a parent, so my heart goes out to your friend. The only real advice I have to offer is to just be there for her. Listen. Spend time with her away from the distractions and stresses of her normal life. Tell her and show her you love her unconditionally. I think that the love and support a parent can offer is critical, especially for a teenage girl. And maybe establishing a super open/honest/trusting/loving relationship will create the right environment for her daughter to open up about the true cause for the cutting, so the family can address the problem and not the symptom.
One of my now dear friends confided in me that when she was a teen she self-harmed. We started this conversation because my son has anxiety and I am seeking therapy and medication for him and it is working and she wished fervently that her parents had taken her depression and anxiety seriously as a teen and had had her with a good therapist. Even now after years of treatment and knowing what her triggers are she admits during her worst anxiety that the only thing that feels better is to cut. I’m imagining without bringing her to this post that she’d say to take this very seriously and to seek and remain in therapy. I hope the best for Emily. Thankfully treatment options are much better than they were 20 years ago.
I should have also said that my son loooves his therapist. They totally clicked. I feel so so so fortunate that that happened. Use your mom radar and get a feeling for how the two of them are together. Keep trying until you find someone who does it for Emily, never give up if a try or two doesn’t work.
I started cutting myself around age 16. For me cutting was never at all associated with thoughts of suicide. (I didn’t even see any connection between the two until years later.) I can’t say why exactly I did it. I remember feeling overwhelmed with what I think were normal teenage emotions, or maybe unrecognized anxiety or depression. I don’t know. At the time, I rationalized that what I was doing wasn’t wrong because I thought there was no permanent damage – sure there were cuts, but they always healed, and I thought I was only hurting myself and it didn’t affect other people. But I must have known at some level because I kept it a secret (cut where my clothes would cover). The habit continued off and on until the summer after I graduated high school. I spent the summer away from home in another state working on a farm with a small group of interns from around the US and Europe. We became very close-knit. At some point toward the end of the summer I was devastated about a boy, which led me to be ‘more careless’ and cut myself on my arms. The people I worked with noticed and the adult staff had an intervention. It’s kind of a blur in my memory. I remember that they asked me if I ever thought of ending my life when I was hurting myself. They told me how much they valued me. Showed acceptance and concern. That’s when I stopped. I think the fact that it was all in the open made the difference.
I had urges during rough patches in college but didn’t lapse into it again. I saw a therapist and was treated for depression and anxiety. I searched for healthier ways to process my emotions. The fact that I used to cut is pretty much a non-issue in how I live my life now, and I hardly ever think about it.
I had a happy upbringing. There were no traumatic events. I was involved in extra-curricular activities. Was successful in grade school through grad school. As far as I know, my parents never knew. My parents were, and still are, WONDERFUL. I haven’t told them about it because it is long in the past now. It was in no way their fault. The thought of them feeling any responsibility or guilt pains me. Otherwise, I have an open and what I consider to be a healthy relationship with my parents.
However when the subject of self arm comes up with friends and acquaintances, I often share something about my experience in hopes to increase awareness. Have you heard of the organization To Write Lover On Her Arms? It’s geared toward high school and college audiences. Might provide some encouragement and inspiration.
Jen, my heart is with you. You are not alone. I understand your hesitancy to talk about what’s happening, especially in that you are respecting Emily’s wishes that her peers won’t find out. Not talking can make the situation feel magnified, so I hope you can find people you know with whom you can share. I wish we didn’t have to worry about our families being judged when we’re doing what’s best for us; unfortunately that is the reality in many communities. Maybe yours will surprise you. It’s clear from your comment that Emily is very loved, and you are doing everything in your power to help her. But you, and it sounds like her father, are also experiencing an incredible amount of stress. Please take care of yourself, too.