This morning I saw a funny license plate on a minivan: 4&DONE. Nice to see the words “one” and “done” getting out and seeing other people.
********
Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that irritated me. It said “Relax, you’ll get there.” Okay, but I’d get there ON TIME if you would MOVE YOUR BUNS, you HIPPIE.
Also, it seems like there are a lot of people who would be hurrying for reasons an empathetic person would never say “Relax” to. It seems like the bumper sticker is making certain unflattering and smug assumptions about the only possible reason a person might be hurrying: “Because you’re unnecessarily stressed/anxious about unimportant things, instead of being peaceful and full of healthy perspective like me.”
Perhaps one single phrase doesn’t work to address EVERY SINGLE PERSON DRIVING BEHIND YOUR CAR, is what I’m concluding on the subject of bumper stickers.
********
This morning while wiping the stupid counter I suddenly thought of some cleaning advice that bothered me a long time ago. It was in an interview, I think—probably in Real Simple with a cover headline like “THE SECRET TO A CLEAN AND ORGANIZED HOME!” They asked an expert what her secret was, and she said, “I just clean up after myself.”
And that reminds me of the book I read about giving up sugar, which STARTED WITH no longer eating between meals. Like, “Okay, we’re going to get started. Make sure you’re not snacking between meals, and now let’s….” That is TOO BIG A FIRST STEP. Yes, I can see how if I “just cleaned up after myself” my house would be cleaner! Yes, I can see how if we START from a place where I’m not snacking, we could make big progress. But both of those things are like saying, “Well, to graduate with a degree in French, you’ll really need to take Advanced Conversational French 401. So let’s start you there.” “Oh, you want to climb this mountain? The path begins at 1000 feet, so just….get there. I’ll meet you there, and then we’ll get started!” “You’ve never run before, and you’d like to run a marathon? Excellent! Let’s START, on the FIRST DAY, by running HALF a marathon!”
It demonstrates how we tend to think of our own strong points as being natural and obvious and easy. “Just blog whenever you think of something to blog about!” would be terrible advice for someone having trouble keeping a blog going. “Just make sure all the pieces go together—but not TOO well!” would be terrible fashion/decorating advice. “If you want to make friends, BE a friend!” “What I do is, I just don’t let it get to me.” “I just stop when I’m full.” “I just make myself do it.” “I just get it over with.” “I just let it go.” In fact, if the word “just” fits comfortably before the action verb, it’s not useful advice.
I feel like every single diet/”healthy living” article/book starts with the premise that one must give up sugar and/or meat, wheat, gluten, dairy, and anything else that makes life bearable, which is a complete non-starter for 99% of the population (or at least it is for me). And it’s so wildly unhelpful that I have to avoid that entire body of advice as much as possible or I will become violent.
I am enjoying coming up with more unhelpful advice: “Feeling stressed about household finances? Just MAKE MORE MONEY!” “Irritated at your spouse all the time? Just be more loving to them!” “Trying to curb spending? Just stop going to stores!”
I could do this all day and bask in the resultant gleeful aggravation about how annoying most advice is.
My husband knows that any “just” statement is not going to be received very well, mostly “Just don’t worry about it” or “Just calm down.” I worry! I panic! I cannot “just” calm down, even if he thinks it should be easy because he is naturally calm and doesn’t stress about things.
Also, if I just clean up after myself, my house would still be a disaster. Now, if my husband, my 4-year-old, and my 1-year-old would also clean up after themselves, it might be a start.
Your last sentence was my exact same reaction to that cleaning advice. Whenever I read advice on how to get organized I just fantasize about how I just wish my house would safely burn down and we could just start anew.
One of my all time favourite memes is one of this dolled up 1950’s housewives lying angelically on her pillow with the caption “I dreamed my whole house was clean…” Now THAT would make an excellent bumper sticker.
YES. My current frustration is with people talking about how important having a family dinner every night is and how they “just make it a priority” to do so and it’s so simple! IT IS NOT. I get up at 5:30 to leave at 6:30 then get home at about 6pm with a hungry baby in my arms. No one is home during the day to do prep/preheat anything/turn on a crock pot at noon. Weekends are fine but how in the world can I do sit-down family dinners before the baby melts into a puddle and needs to go to bed? Oh, “just make it a priority” you say? WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?
I have the same/similar issue with the crock pot. I have chawed my way through too many overcooked meals with that sucker. I thought about buying a timer, but who wants to leave meat sitting on the counter for five hours? They should make a crock pot that refrigerates, then turns itself on and cooks. JUST INVENT THAT, CROCK POT COMPANY!
It’s like you’re in my head. And yeah, I do pick up after myself…it’s the 4 other people under the same roof who seem to have a problem with it…how do you make THEM? HMMMM?
Simplistic sound bites like “I just clean up after myself” fail to take real life into account. “Just have family dinners.” “Just have date nights.” “Just keep a budget.” I’ve been having this discussion with my husband about how I can spend all my energy “just” cleaning up after myself (and making certain others clean up after THEMselves.), but until we get the house actually more organized and decluttered, it won’t be enough. He finally saw the point, and has been helping me this summer. We’re making GREAT progress now – and “just” doesn’t have anything to do with our success!
As someone who is naturally neat — SOME WOULD SAY FREAKISHLY — it’s very hard for me not to jump in when people are talking about how to organize their lives/homes and say stuff like “just clean up after yourself” because. . .that’s what I do. BUT! BUT! I’m *already* neat. My counters are *already* clean. It’s easy for me to clean up after myself (and everyone else) because it’s not that hard to do.
I think most organizing/cleaning stuff should be written by someone who ISN’T naturally a neat freak and has to really work at it. They for sure wouldn’t start with “just clean up after yourself!”that’s for damn sure.
Reading this “just” advice just made me so panicky I made myself lunch at 10:30am.
“if the word “just” fits comfortably before the action verb, it’s not useful advice” Amen, sister.
My husband tells me to “Just relax” sometimes, complete with an assy hand gesture. One day I’m going to kick him in the teeth when he says that, as it usually has the exact opposite effect on me. I’m not relaxed now, am I, Mr. Advice Giver?
Oh, man, you’ve hit the nail on the head with the “just do it this way!” advice. No. No “just.” And I bet you are right, that sounds like Real Simple advice to me. I hate Real Simple. Well, except for “new uses for old things,” I love that section. But on the scale of organization, I think I am in the middle, but skewing towards organized. Nevertheless, my house is frequently a disaster. I have been trying to find a place for everything for two years now. TWO YEARS. But it’s so hard! Because, for example, it would make much more organizational sense to keep all of the serving dishes together in the large bottom cabinet. But I have to keep the breakable ones up high. And my kitchen is a stupid design because it’s an old house, so I have to keep things far apart from each other that should be near each other. And my house has lots of storage space, but again, I have to keep the unsafe things in places the baby can’t reach so I can’t put things in logical places. And! The OTHER people don’t clean up! And when Andrew doesn’t clean up his tools (which is always), I literally can’t because I don’t know where it goes and sometimes I don’t even know how to pick it up, like the time he left a table saw out on the counter downstairs. AND! He keeps BLOCKING MY ACCESS TO THE THINGS I NEED IN THE ATTIC. But I don’t want to talk about the attic because it makes me cry.
I’ve been trying to organize my office, but it involves buying some sort of storage solutions, but storage solutions are not cheap and I don’t know what to buy because I don’t know yet all the things I need to keep because I can’t sort through them properly because there is no place to put the things I want to keep because I need a storage solution.
Maybe Lisa could come up here and help me?
But anyway, yes. You are exactly correct. I am trying to train for a half marathon next October, and I’ve been getting up early to run before Andrew leaves for work, but I am very concerned about managing to do this when my mid-week “short” runs are supposed to be 5 miles, which is currently longer than my “long” run, and it will take me 50 minutes minimum, and Andrew has to leave for work at 6:25. So I have to be BACK from my hour long run by 6:25am. So I should “just get up early” I guess.
I apologize for the stream-of-consciousness of this comment. But good post, Swistle.
I will help you in your office if you’ll help me learn to cook. “Just buy fresh veggies!” AND THEN WHAT.
Just cook them simply! Be careful not to overcook! But don’t undercook them either!
A friend gave me a subscription to Real Simple. It should call itself ‘You’re Inadequate Magazine.”
That reminds me of my FAVORITE magazine, that of course my MIL gave to me when we bought our first house. And had kept renewing. Ever. Since. Better Homes and Gardens. Or as I like to call it, Better than YOUR Homes and Gardens. I hate this. I have 3 kids!! My furniture will not be white. It will never BE white. And if I was so foolish as to actually buy white furniture, it wouldn’t be white for long. I don’t care how stylish it looks, kids do not live in that house. You people are fakey fakers.
Ha – yep!
They always talk about how the white slip-covers are totally fine because they can just bleach them out (chipper grin!). Wait, that shit takes time. Removing the slip-covers, loading the machine, getting the bleach added in w/out accidentally bleaching anything else, then drying them (which likely means air-drying, which probably takes overnight+). We have a camel-colored slip cover, which I wash about twice a year, and it’s a PITA. It hides small spills though. If it didn’t, which white does not, I would have to wash it every 2-3 weeks. No thanks!
If only you lived up here I would make this deal in a heartbeat. And actually, if you want, I can give you advice on the veggie eating because I’m on Year Six or Possibly Seven of the CSA and I’ve gotten pretty good at the veggie thing. I’m making braised fennel and chard tonight! With spring onions! I think they call them “spring onions” instead of “scallions” in the recipe to maximize pretentiousness. And I HAVE to make it, because the CSA will not stop with the fennel, already.
Bumper sticker on my 15- passenger van: “The bigger the van, the bigger the man, if you know what I’m sayin’.” My husband had it made. It gets lots of laughs, especially since I drive the van most of the time.
“Just be patient” with hysterical children. “Just breathe and listen to your body” to have easy birth, “just buy fresh ingredients” to have healthy meals, “just exercise, it is just 30 minutes a day” “just read to your kids”. Oh this IS a fun game.
First I was coming up with those ones that I might say if asked for advice (ex: “just feed the baby on demand” for good breastfeeding supply.) And I have to say that the consequence of that exercise was that I came up with a list if things I am good at instinctively and now I am feeling much better about myself. So I can’t keep the house clean, but I can write a darn good thank you note.
Just spend less than you earn.
Just do the math.
Just delegate it.
Just pick one method and go with it.
Just read the instructions.*
Just ask for directions.*
* I will have a hard time letting go of these. Do I have to?
This explains my irrational anger at Nike’s “just do it” advertising. I always find myself muttering under my breath “well, not everyone can just do it, you a-holes,” like the misanthrope I apparently am.
Ha! As I was reading this post I thought the same thing. “So we have Nike to blame for this!”
Dr. Maureen – “I’ve been trying to organize my office, but it involves buying some sort of storage solutions, but storage solutions are not cheap and I don’t know what to buy because I don’t know yet all the things I need to keep because I can’t sort through them properly because there is no place to put the things I want to keep because I need a storage solution. ”
Oh, my. We are living parallel lives!
I am just going to shred everything and call it done, dammit.
This entire post and all of the comments cracked me up. I never thought about it but as a non-worrier/non-stressed-type-person, I’m sure that others do find my “Just let it go! Just don’t worry!” OH SO HELPFUL. Note to self: QUIT THAT. IMMEDIATELY.
After reading this post and the comments, I have come to the conclusion that “just” is now my most hated word.
Particularly, the “just clean up after yourself” bit. Are you freakin’ kidding me?! *I* am not the problem here – no, that would be the people I live with. If I lived by myself every corner of this house would be IMMACULATE. Immaculate, I tell you! But since the people I live with (that I do love dearly), for some strange, genetic reason, find it IMPOSSIBLE to clean up after themselves means that my house is a semi-train wreck all the damn time. *sigh*
Just…the most hated word in the world right about now.
YES. When I lived alone, as in, without children, pets, or husband, my house was beautifully clean. I miss that so much. If there are three people, two cats and a dog in a house, and only one of those entities ever cleans anything, the mess is going to win.
Yes, like the Christmas that one of the cousins wanted a gift exchange involving a larger amount of money than most of our young adult children could afford. When my son complained that he didn’t make as much money as that cousin did, she replied, “Oh, we (just) budget for Christmas at our house.”
RAGE. I would lose my mind if someone said that to me. The implication that someone with less disposable income than you is in that position because they’re doing it wrong is just fury-inducing to me.
Oh man, I read a blog post the other day by a blogger I’d never come across before, and she was sharing her secret to always having a clean house. It was simply… to clean the whole house every day. Oh, brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that! I mean, she runs around and dusts everything with a Swiffer EVERY MORNING. Vacuums EVERY MORNING And she must just be doing it very aerobically, because she gave herself ten to fifteen minutes to dust, tidy and vacuum her whole living room, including Windexing all glass. HOW? I must be doing it wrong, cause it would take me at least a half hour. I kept thinking to myself, “… Maybe her house is really TINY?” She also has two kids, both girls, and both in school, so that may be a large part of her having the time/mental energy/lack of interruptions/(presumably) small amount of clutter and dirt to deal with. BUT STILL. I have never once in my life summoned the fortitude to hop up and clean my entire house before ten am. I’m lucky if I’ve even unloaded the dishes and cleaned up breakfast.
Oh yes, you’re so right. The “just”-advice usually comes from people who have no problem doing it in the first place, and I sometimes have a really hard time not getting snippy when they give it. I struggle with depression (“Just cheer up!” Just go out and meet people!” “Just think of something positive!”) and sometimes have a hard time with keeping up with even the simpler things, which means the bigger ones are pushed away even further because they are incredibly daunting. Being told “just start with it, and then keep doing it!” makes me want to punch someone, if only I could lift my fist to do so during those phases. Or actually want anything, really.
Your example with the “let’s meet halfway up the mountain to START” is absolutely perfect.
I have one website I like to visit when I get extremely messy because I can’t deal (which implies there are times I’m not, but in truth it just shifts from room to room). It’s called
http://unf*ckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/
but with the u instead of the star. Please don’t be put off by the swearing in the title. It’s basically a tumblr where people can send in examples of how they cleaned up their rooms/apartments or just their couch area, but also has advice on how to go about it. It very much advocates doing what you can, but no more. And the thing is: she gives the steps instead of saying “just”.
What I love about it is that all the examples are by real people, and their homes look better in the afters, but far from perfect. And like real people live there. Sometimes it’s also more of an in-between than an after, but people simply share progress. And it’s frequently from people who took a long time to do it, so it doesn’t make me feel inadequate.
I just saw the owner wrote a new post that is worth a read, about depression and messyness:
http://unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/post/56181930156/the-depression-messy-house-cycle
“When you’re in the midst of a depressive episode, cleaning your house comes in on the List of Things You Want to Do somewhere after taunting a hive of bees and tap dancing on live television. Things are awful. It’s a struggle to walk to the bathroom. Making dinner seems more impossible than advanced calculus. Anything that’s not your couch or your bed might as well be hot lava. ”
Maybe the site will be interesting for some people. Now, if someone could show me something like that, but with cooking, then I’d be happy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for those links. I also keep reading the title as Unf*ck Your Habit. But that works too.
I just remembered one that makes me see red:
Just don’t feel judged.
AAAAH. and when the judgment in question is in fact prejudice, well, said advice has been known to set me into a blind fury.
yeeeeees. I feel this way about the housecleaning “tips.” “each evening I just pick up all the stuff” “then it’s clean every morning” “I never go to bed with a dirty kitchen” uh huh
One of the steps of having an organized kitchen: take everything out that you don’t use regularly. Just store in a labeled box in another location. Hmmm. Okay. Removed. Put in labeled box. Looked around. Now I have to, what, clean out a corner of the shed, find or purchase some shelves, and put this here labeled box on it. Sigh. I think I’ll sit over here next to Dr. Maureen and stew over the difficulty of trying to figure out just how I’m supposed to get organized when I don’t have any space to put the stuff I’m trying to organize, because I’m not organized. Now my head hurts.
I was having a sucky weekend until I cane here and giggled a lot. Thank you! Wise words from all.
Yes to everything. Just YES.
My father is king of “why don’t you just [insert mentally impossible hurdle here].”
When my older daughter was in the midst of the awful, horrible, terrible twos, and just getting her out of the house was an epic battle, I remember my father saying to me one day, “Why don’t you just take her to the mall and take her up and down the escalators?”
Well, you can only guess how that went over.
I am all set with “just”.
I know this wasn’t necessarily the point of this post, but I’ve been laughing about it ever since I read it: “Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that irritated me. It said ‘Relax, you’ll get there.’ Okay, but I’d get there ON TIME if you would MOVE YOUR BUNS, you HIPPIE.” We live in a really crunchy granola town and I often find myself in a hurry and behind JUST such a hippie.