I’ve found that if I wait, I get a lot of answers to things I’m wondering about. “Why do so many grown women look so FRUMPY?,” my teenaged self wondered after spending no-kidding 90 minutes feathering her hair and putting on make-up, and then looking critically at her 50-year-old English teacher who had a straight bob and a shiny forehead and a boring skirt. My current self can answer that it has something to do with a lack of time, something to do with a shifting of priorities regarding the use of that time, something to do with a change in how much of our life revolves around the way we look, something to do with a changing of style preferences (the black mini and coral crop-top and black-patterned tights seems right at 17, less right at 50), something to do with how we feel when we look back at pictures of ourselves with that feathered hair and frosty green eyeshadow, and something to do with how we feel when we look at what teenagers currently consider worth the effort.
I remember when it was fashionable at my school to get hair “frosted” (every single high school boy: “What FLAVOR frosting, hur hur hur”). I wondered why girls with darker hair were getting it done, when their hair looked better without it. The answer is something like “Because even though YOU didn’t prefer the look, THEY did, DUR” (that’s my own reason, now that my hair is darker and I still like it with light elements), combined with “How come girls with lighter hair were getting it done, when their hair looked better without it?,” combined with “Because it was the fad, and they wanted to participate in the fad,” and possibly combined with something about a hairdresser persuading them it looked wonderful.
When I was a babysitter, I wondered why parents let their houses get so messy or so overrun with kid stuff. I’m not wondering about that anymore (or using the word “let”).
I used to wonder why grown-ups wanted to TALK so much when it was so BORING. It turns out the answer is that it’s not boring to the grown-up. (Or that it IS boring but the grown-up feels obligated. But with the kind I meant at the time, it’s that it’s not boring to the grown-up.)
I used to wonder how high school kids could STAND not to have recess, or how grown-ups could STAND to have such boring Christmas presents. All became clear with time.
In fact, I’ve noticed that if I start a sentence with a little huff of exasperation followed by “Why would anyone _____???,” and then if I treat it as an actual question rather than a exclamation of scorn, I can usually come up with an actual answer. She’s wearing that outfit because she likes the way it looks, that’s why. She takes that kind of self-portrait because she thinks it looks good, and/or because all the more realistic shots made her cry, that’s why. She plays that game because it’s fun for her, that’s why. She puts up with him because that kind of behavior falls into the range of what she’s willing to deal with, or because she thinks she doesn’t have a choice, or because she knows she has a choice and she’s choosing this. She’s acting a certain annoying way, and so do a lot of other women her age, and I’m approaching that age—so although I don’t know yet, there’s a good chance I soon will, and maybe I should assume the reason will be as good as the other reasons I’ve found for why women older than me do things.
There are a lot of gaps still. For one thing, with a lot of questions I can think of answers—but SEVERAL answers. Is she trying to force everyone to do things her way because she really thinks we’ll enjoy it, or because if we say no it makes her doubt her own decision, or because she enjoys the act of arguing people into changing their minds, or because she gets a commission, or because she hasn’t yet understood that different people live different ways? Is she scoffing at other people’s interests because she’s right to scoff, or because she feels left out, or because she’s a scoffing and unpleasant person in general, or because she doesn’t realize how scoffy she’s coming across, or because she hasn’t yet understood that different people live different ways, or because she’s mad at the people she’s scoffing at for some other reason, or because other people scoffed at her interests and she wants to show them what that feels like?
And then there are other things, where I have questions I don’t think are going to get answered. Why would someone say in a horrible tone of voice to the perfectly nice and helpful receptionist, “Um, HI. She’s trying to get IN??” instead of a friendly “Hello! She’s here for camp!” and waiting to get buzzed in? I’m not on board with the idea that it’s because she’s fighting a hard battle or that she must have a sad life; those sound like Coping Thoughts to me, like when we try to manage our mounting road rage by imagining that the honking tailgater behind us is trying to get to the hospital where a family member lies recently injured. Sometimes that story is actually true, but mostly it isn’t.
Why would a woman say loudly “You have GOT to be kidding me right now!!” and stomp off and make loud huffy sighing sounds and crabby remarks to the air for the next half hour when the office staff can’t give her back the dollar she lost in a vending machine out in the building’s lobby, a vending machine clearly marked with a sign saying only the vending machine company can help in such a situation, a vending machine she voluntary decided to interact with, even knowing that choosing to interact shoppingly with a machine meant the transaction would not involve personal customer service? Why would someone standing in line roll their eyes and make audible mean remarks about how slow/stupid the clerk is? Why would someone in a restaurant say out loud “Heh-LO, does anybody WORK here??,” when the waitstaff is clearly visible WORKING at other tables?
So far, here are the only answers I’ve come up with: “Because for some reason that may still require more life experience before I know what it is, they think that behavior is appropriate for those situations” and “Because they’re rude, unpleasant people.” I’ve toyed with “Because they were born without sufficient empathy,” but that one doesn’t satisfy: people who have trouble with empathy can still use polite language and a polite tone of voice. Besides, the people in question are not blaring out “I WANT TO EAT” or “I WANT TO GET IN” like a toddler who hasn’t yet understood how things work—no, they’re using sophisticated scorn-indicating language and behavior and body language.
I’ve also wondered things like “Maybe they’re going through an intensely stressful time,” but that brings me back to “Maybe this horrible tailgating jerk just heard his wife was in a car accident”: it’s possible, but seems like it could cover only a tiny percentage of offenders. And most of them are not showing signs of that in other ways: they’re not red-eyed and looking unhinged, they’re just being rude as if it’s a normal way to live and they don’t understand why OTHER people are being so stupid and tentative and doormatty as to NOT behave that way. GEEZ, if you don’t get what you want RIGHT AWAY and EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANT IT, make a HUGE FUSS!
This entry was interesting to me, because yesterday I ran across this:
http://dotsub.com/view/6b8cc93f-3b53-486b-a1ce-025ffe6c9c52 (“This Is Water” by David Foster, in case the link doesn’t work), which is germane to your point about people sometimes but not always deserving the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it’s calming to consider some of these things, but sometimes it’s clear people are just being jerks because they can (think canceled flight, and the people who scream at the lady behind the counter as if she can control the weather in Chicago), and I find that immensely irritating.
My answer to most of those questions is “because you can’t blame cancer.” No, I don’t have cancer (knock wood, as far as I know) but one time one of my dearest friend’s mother did. And this dearest friend was a saint with her mother, but flailed around alienating almost everyone else in the world. She mocked the congregation that loved her, bullied the doctors, was a total jerk. I finally realized that you can’t angry and unpleasant with the cancer and that anger and unpleasantness has to go somewhere, hence the flailing around. Now I assume the guy who’s tailgating me and making angry gestures has cancer, or a wife in labor. Or maybe he’s just a rude, unpleasant person.
As someone who has not slept longer than 6 to 8 interrupted hours in three months (hi, I have a three month old that likes to nurse every 3 – 5 hours, regardless of time of day and the older child (5 yo) has decided to have a sleep regression and start getting up in the night again TOO), I would add SLEEP DEPRIVATION to the list of possible answers. While I try to remain civil in person, I have noticed myself yelling at cars in traffic much more lately. And generally being snapish. But mostly I reserve this behavior for my family. I’m nice like that at least!
I think the “benefit of the doubt” approach mostly just helps me to not get ragey back at these people. And to not feel like a judgey person, which tends to make me feel bad about myself, instead of about the person who was actually behaving badly in public.
Sometimes, you’re right and the answer will come to us when we are in that exact situation sometime in the future.
Sometimes, I like to blame their parents or other influential role models. Who possibly demonstrated this exact same behavior as though it was acceptable often enough that the impressionable child never learned better. (In your camper example, the child attending camp is learning this right now. Maybe the child will grow up to be deeply embarrassed by the parental behavior, but more likely, it’s just a cycle repeating.)
And MomQueenBee is right — sometimes, they are directing rage at the world that they can’t direct at the source.
I know two people right now who are fond of telling anecdotes in the genre of “I’m so awesome, look how I verbally tore a strip off of a person working in the service industry.” These anecdotes typically involve extremely minor breaches of customer service, punished with incredibly rude behaviour from the tale-teller, who is always visibly proud of herself for having gotten the better of these people. The dynamic I’ve observed in both cases is that these are insecure people who actually don’t have very much going for them; they are generally surrounded by people who are smarter, more successful, and better looking than they are, and this is one of the few ways they can get an ego boost. At least one of these tale-tellers is also an incredibly generous friend; she will put her life on hold and drive for hours to help you pack up your house for a move, and if you come visit her, she’ll have a full menu of home-cooking to cover every minute of your stay. I, on the other hand, am unfailingly polite to people in the service industry and utterly useless at providing practical help in times of need. (So it takes all kinds, I guess, is what I’m saying?)
I wonder if this behavior actually gets results? I would rather die than be unpleasant to someone in the service industry, even when it’s warranted (I just wrote a very polite THIRD email to someone who has taken FOURTEEN MONTHS to reply to me professionally) but I just wonder if screaming at people or scoffing or being scornful actually does get you faster service, or to the front of the line, or a better seat, or whatever. Maybe that’s why they do it: the rat pushes the button and gets the pellet, at least some of the time, so it keeps pushing the button.
Because some people are azzholes.
Yep, some are.
I can actually provide some insight into this issue. By nature and nurture I am generally a polite, kind, good natured sort. Unfortunately at this point in my life I am forced to share living space with such a person. Having this perspective I can only agree that a lot of it comes down to how they were raised. Instead of being taught to accept personal responsibility and to have patience when others are at fault, they are taught an us against them philosophy. Everything unpleasant that happens to them is represented to them not as a fact of life but as a person insult to them. The only way that I can tolerate such individuals is to tally again and again what few redeeming qualities they do have. Ex: So they have such awful road rage that they are always moments away from getting out of the vehicle and starting a brawl; at least they love their grandchildren and would fight for them to the ends of the earth. So they have the overwhelming need to to make make loud obnoxious comment to everyone about everything in the most rude way; at least they think they are helping others with their constant critiques. As to wether or not this behavior gets results, yes, but only to a point. These type of people often don’t get what they want because they don’t know when to quit. We could learn a lesson from them about standing up for ourselves and getting good service but they need to learn the bigger lesson. We are all generally trying to do our best and rudeness and intimidation do not make the situation better. We all need to work together to help make life better for us all.
I think people behave in this nasty way because oftentimes it does work and these same people have probably never worked service jobs. I know when I worked service jobs and had a rude customer, I did what I could to please them because if I didn’t, I might get in trouble. Rude people understand this dynamic and exploit it. It’s awful and when I see people doing this to others, I make sure I steer very clear of them. I liked this entry a lot. I remember when I was a kid we had a neighbor that hated us because she had a beautiful rose garden and we would constantly smash her roses by accidentally throwing balls over the fence. I used to think she was a jerk but now I know we were the jerks! Accidentally, but still. Time does have way of clarifying things.
I’d say the majority do this because they are jerks – plain and simple. But I tell myself that there MUST be a valid reason (other than jerkiness) to keep me from responding to them in kind.
I just love this whole thing. I was just thinking today about the little family decal on the back of my car and wondering if I should take it off, but then realized that I LIKE IT and I would only be taking it off because there’s been SO much Internet scorn for the little family people. But, regardless, I still like them. They are cute to me, and it’s my car, so it stays! Scorn be damned.
Also, some people are rude because they think they can be and really for no other reason.
I saw a bumper sticker recently that said something like “Nobody cares about your sticker family,” and it filled me with SUCH RAGE that I am STILL ANGRY and it has been MONTHS. Because, what an incredibly mean thing to say. It’s being mean for nothing more than the sake of being mean, and for NO GOOD REASON AT ALL, and also as if their opinion of what other people like is supposed to MATTER. And the thing is, I LIKE seeing people’s sticker families. I LIKE it.
YES!
I would imagine that a person who would attach that sticker to their vehicle is probably very young and thus is still lacking the large areas of the brain which make us not be pineholes to other people, and so they think that such hostile things are funny.
Also, in general, I had a housemate (who was AWFUL) who behaved like this and when I met his father I understood why, because the father wanted the housemate to get everything he could out of everyone else, no matter if he was taking more than his fair share or if he had to be abusive to get it, he should take everyone for all they’re worth and goodwill be damned. So some people have been trained to be like that, but I don’t know why the parents behave like that and train their kids thus so I don’t really have a proper answer, just a partial one.
I have a theory about this kind of behavior-well several theories. One is that people who act like rude jerks aren’t readers. I think people who read a lot are used to other people’s perspectives, and have indeed “walked a mile in someone else’s shoes.”.
My other theory-most people don’t get enough exercise-back in the day we were constantly on the go, walking everywhere, toiling in the fields, and we didn’t have the energy to be pissed off because we weren’t getting the service or whatever we wanted RIGHT THIS MINUTE. We were physically exhausted, worried about how to get food on the table, we didn’t expect instant gratification like we do now.
One more thought-whatever is going on in your life-there is no excuse for bad manners. No matter what. As long as you are of right mind, you can always be pleasant. In fact people I have known who are in crisis, are often the people you would never guess-they realize what is important and act accordingly.
I just went through this earlier this week. In one of the planned communities near my house as I inched ahead at a four way stop AFTER stopping to see better and determine when my turn to go would be. Seconds later a frozen faced platinum blonde in a Lexus SUV started to honk her horn and yell at me (I can’t hear you!) as she blew through the intersection. Her teenage son was riding shotgun. Nice. Maybe she thinks botox is pretty. Maybe she’s teaching her son the fine art of road rage. I’ll never know.
Later in the week, in an even more moneyed part of the county I live in, I was taking my kids to get ice cream after the park. I’d never been to this shopping plaza and was following my friend’s van into the lot post park. There was all sorts of entitled driving and rudeness happening. After I got out of the car and rejoined my friend and her kids I said, “Whoa, that was crazy trying to park in here!” and she said, “Oh it’s always like this when we go here . Major attitudes”.
I think a lot of this comes from people thinking that their whole life is one giant emergency and they must get everything they need right now. Because they want it and they deserve it. Now. I honestly don’t think people are really thinking about other people much. Ever. Other cars on the road are seen as obstacles to overcome, etc.
I’ve always thought that working retail should be some sort of requirement. I really don’t know how that would happen in a democratic society but I think it would help. I’m not saying that I’m a better person, but all of the years I’ve logged as a waitress, book seller, etc. definitely influence how I behave in stores and restaurants. I actually feel sorry for some of those people who complain in restaurants. I’ve seen what can happened to their food.
Oh, Swistle. you have such a gift for reasoning and elucidating! Loved this whole post, but “or using the word ‘let'” caused me to laugh aloud. I remember as a teenager wondering how a woman could “let herself go” (buying a size 36 bra–GASP!). And then I had a baby. As a teen it did not occur to me to factor in genetic tendencies, biological differences; nope, just the world from Rah’s viewpoint.
Yes to the commenter who suggested everyone should work at a service job (waitress, clerk, etc.) for a while as a teen. I think it helps give perspective and makes one try a little harder at education, knowing you don’t want to HAVE to do a menial job for the rest of your life!
You know, I try to think all the time in an empathetic way about why people do things the way they do them, and sometimes, sometimes people are just assholes. People make fun of things or purposefully hurt other people because it makes them feel good to do so. THAT is the definition of an asshole.
I think a major factor is how immediate a lot of things in our lives are now. Being able to look things up on the internet on phones, being in instant contact with family and friends, and all the other things that we can do instantly with current technology has given people the idea that everything is now available immediately, and that if it is not, then you are being lied to or ripped off and need to protest that awful treatment. It’s also the sad truth that a lot of times, rude people get exactly what they ask for. A lot of people want to avoid confrontation so badly that they will cave in to rude demands even when they shouldn’t. And if you want to be completely horrified by how awful people can act, you should read http://notalwaysright.com/ – funny and stupid customer stories.