I am baking tonight for Twin Birthdays (two desserts for their birthday party plus two desserts for classroom treats = a lot of eggs, flour, and sugar), and I must be a little distracted because I put three eggs into the cookies instead of two, so then I had to go back and figure out what half-again of 3/4ths cup sugar was, and anyway do you want to come over for some cookies? Because we have half-again as many of them as I’d thought we would. I’m not entirely sure the proportions of the ingredients are correct, though.
I have the radio on in the kitchen, and the DJ just told me something that a wise man once told her, and it turned out the wise man in question was Jesus. And anyone might quote Jesus, of course, especially anyone in support of only judging other people ONLY IF you yourself are completely perfect, and dealing with all your own issues before worrying about someone else’s issues, and not judging others because God fully intends to use the meticulousness of your own personal judginess as a guideline for how meticulously he should judge you—but she went with the milder line of Jesus always being there for us. She ASSURED us that God (she switched to God halfway through, so she’s comfortable with the trinity concept) was ALWAYS there for us, NO MATTER WHAT. Then, without switching tone of voice or starting a new paragraph, she said she also wanted to tell us about Dove chocolate—rich, smooth, Dove chocolate, made with quality ingredients, for all your special occasions, Dove chocolate. Did I huff too much flour (have you any idea what the STREET VALUE of this flour is??) or did this really happen? It’s not a religious radio station—just your basic “all the hits of the 80’s, 90’s, and today.” Apparently late at night things get a little more Jesus/chocolate. I’m more familiar with the morning show.
I do want to come over for some cookies. Can you invite the DJ, too? This should be interesting.
Was it Delilah? Syndicated show; she does it out of her basement studio and has a bunch of adopted kids? Sounds like her M.O.
This made me grin from ear to ear. I needed some humor this Monday morning! I enjoy your writing, Swistle! Happy Birthday to the Birthday Kids!
Hee, yes I was wondering if it was Delilah, also.
I wish I had some cookies right now.
Well, all good things come from God, and chocolate is a good thing . . . and chocolate is always there for us, just like God . . . I can see a whole sermon series coming out of this: “Going Coco(a) for Jesus!”
Hope your cookies turned out okay.
I could so use some cookies today! I also agree that it sounds like Delilah. I don’t normally listen to her show, but I did when my oldest was a newborn and I was trying to nurse/rock her to sleep. Of course, it usually just put me to sleep. And let’s face it–while some people turn to Jesus for support, some of us also turn to chocolate. :)
I love your stories. And I totally have to ask if ‘half-again’ is regional. I’ve never heard it before! I figured out what you meant from the context but I would have said either ‘one and a half times the cookies’ or ‘50% more cookies’, neither of which sounds exactly right. I guess when you say ‘I wish there were a term for that thing it took me a sentence to describe’, there actually is one for this thing, I just didn’t know it.
Oh! Maybe it IS regional! It’s a very handy term: “It’s like an episode of Word Girl, but half-again as long”; “Add about half-again that much detergent”; “The lasagna was good, but we need about half-again as much for this family.” …Now it’s starting to sound like nonsense from saying it too much!
I’m familiar with “half again,” and I’m from the Mid-Atlantic region. I don’t think I ever heard my Midwestern mother use it, though.
“I’m more familiar with the morning show” was the perfect ending line. And that’s why I love your writing.
Half-again is commonly used where I’m from (Pacific Northwest) and where I’ve lived (all over the US except the south & southeast). It IS a very handy term!
While I personally believe in the divinity of chocolate (church of the cocoa bean?), I would have suffered mild mental whiplash from the sudden change in subject matter without any corresponding transition.
“she switched to God halfway through, so she’s comfortable with the trinity concept” – this killed me!
This SNL skit immediately came to mind with your hilarious Dove Chocolate entry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weJ_-nSRpM0
Count me among the others who thinks the DJ in question is Delilah.
Just when I think I can’t love your blog any more, you make a Better Off Dead reference and I love it half again as much.
HA! God & chocolate. That’s a combo right there.
I have lived in New England my whole life (Maine, NH, and MA) and have never heard the term half-again, but I like it. I would have said one and half as much or 50% more as well. Happy Birthday to the twins!!
“Apparently late at night things get a little more Jesus/chocolate.” – one of the best lines ever written.
Heehee!
This post. So succinct and enjoyable!
@Jenny, It took me a minute but thank you for pointing out the Better Off Dead reference! Made me smile.
Another vote for Delilah – it had to be her drippy show.
Was it Delilah? She pulls shit like that all the time.
Jesus + Chocolate = Sounds like Easter, dudes.
I’m not so comfortable with the trinity concept, but I think I could get behind the duality concept: God = chocolate = God. I am, however, a little less comfortable with the thought that God is a particular BRAND of chocolate, even one that I enjoy and that prints useful sayings/insights/pick-me-ups in its wrappers. And I have to say, if God = chocolate, I am only OK with that being dark chocolate, and I’d guess others may advocate just as strongly for milk chocolate, and next thing you know, we’ve got another Crusades thing going, and those were just a mess. So maybe it’s not such a great leap of faith after all.
I am going to go eat some chocolate-covered almonds and ponder this.
But…who is Delilah?
http://www.delilah.com/main.html
Thank you!