I just changed my BlogHer profile because I no longer have kids in the 3-5 age group: Henry turned 6 this past Friday. I find I’m most riveted by the ages of my eldest and my youngest: I can’t believe he’s 14! I can’t believe he’s 6! Henry will start FIRST GRADE in three months, and Rob will start HIGH SCHOOL.
The caboose child is particularly poignant/weird because there are so many things to say goodbye to. Getting rid of the baby clothes, and then the exersaucer and baby swing, and then the crib, and then most of the toys—ack. It’s part painful, part awesome: I do enjoy getting rid of Henry’s too-small clothes instead of storing them in boxes, but it can be a little challenging to get rid of a particular t-shirt or whatever. Some of it I hand down to my niece and nephew, which is pleasing. And I have one box labeled “Baby Clothes I Can’t Bear to Part With” to handle a few things: the pink/blue hats with ears the twins wore when they were newborns, the Baby Dior side-snap onesie I found in a mixed-lot of side-snap onesies at a consignment shop when I was expecting Rob, etc.
I feel a little bit like I’m only as young as my youngest child, and that as Henry gets older I’m finally Really Aging. When I had a newborn and/or a toddler, I felt like I must still be pretty young; I feel the same when I see other women with newborns and toddlers. But if my youngest is 6, well. And that’s going to get weirder every year.
I find I’m getting some of the same half-delusional nostalgia that I disliked hearing about when I was deep in the Very Little Kid stage. I see a woman out with a cute-talking toddler and a tiny squeezy baby, and I know to only THINK the “This is the BEST TIME” thought instead of saying it; I say it only with LOVE-EYES. I hope I can continue to remember to silently channel that feeling into giving affectionate/tolerant looks to the parents struggling with the tantruming toddler and the screaming baby. Because it’s only sort of the Best Time, and also it’s the Worst Time.
There are a bunch of things I haven’t had to do for a long time, and I don’t miss any of them:
- I haven’t had to deal with a diaper blowout, or pull a onesie down over someone’s torso to avoid getting something unspeakable in someone’s hair.
- I haven’t had to deal with ANY diapers, in fact.
- I haven’t had to clean barf off the many surfaces of a crib.
- I haven’t had to give anyone a bath.
- I haven’t had to give anyone a bath and then immediately afterward deal with a diaper blow-out and spit-up in the hair.
- I haven’t woken up in an exhausted stupor to the sound of a baby starting to cry in the middle of the night, or at 4:30 a.m.
- I haven’t been awake in the night with a baby who won’t go to sleep, feeling like I’m losing my mind.
- I haven’t had to do much more at bedtimes than three sets of teeth and one set of stories; everyone does their own pajamas and pottying and climbing into bed and turning off the lights.
- I haven’t had to worry about whether the coffee/wine I’m drinking or the food I’m eating or the medicine I’m taking will affect a child.
- I haven’t felt Ruined Naptime Despair.
- I haven’t had to worry about electrical sockets or wires or tiny things on the floor.
- I haven’t had to wonder if it’s an ear infection or is it teeth or is it crabbiness or is it indigestion or is it a virus or is it a diaper pin or WHAT.
- I haven’t had to feel like if I looked away for ONE SECOND there would be a disaster.
- And I hardly EVER have that “NO ONE TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN” feeling.
I’m at the stage where every school day involves a chunk of time where I am alone in the house or alone to run errands. And I can leave the house by myself sometimes even when the children are home. I can make appointments without also needing to figure out a babysitter. And do you know, my big kids get themselves up in the morning, put themselves through the shower, get themselves dressed, make their own lunches, gather up their own stuff, and present themselves to the school bus? Imagine that!
It’s not, though, that THIS is the Best Time. I DO sometimes miss the littler-kid stage and the littler-kid issues. Some days I feel like I am really happy that one of my biggest fears is College Costs rather than SIDS. On the other hand, my biggest fear isn’t College Costs: it’s that the child will do something that results in his whole life being destroyed/over. So. I’m not sure that’s an improvement, per se. And there’s this dawning realization that for all my “I’ll be so relieved when we’re past the SIDS window” and “I’ll be so relieved when everyone in the house can have the age 3+ toys,” there is ALWAYS more to worry about.
Plus, you know how as soon as a baby/child outgrows something difficult, there’s a fresh difficult thing right after it? So that ANY time you’re thinking, “Things will be better as soon as he/she is past this stage,” it ALWAYS turns out to be a complete trade-off, with new bad parts taking the place of the old bad parts, and, luckily, new good parts taking the place of the old good parts? THAT keeps going, TOO. Yay, we’re done with the tantruming; crud, now it’s whining. Yay, we’re done with the whining; crud, now it’s backtalk. Oh, sad, I just realized he doesn’t smell like a baby anymore; yay, he can be trusted to stand next to the car for a minute while I load groceries! Oh, sad, I can’t really carry him anymore; yay, he’s going to school and I have less of that cyclical “This isn’t a year, it’s just one long 8,760-hour DAY THAT NEVER ENDS” feeling.
I can’t believe Henry is six. My kid is six now, so logically that makes sense but it’s always harder to see someone else’s kids age.
I relate to this post absolutely. There are so many things I do not miss, and for the most part I love the stage we are in now at 6. Yet there are still absolute worries (bullies, bus riding, school work, social adjustment to name a few) but for the most part they don’t feel like they have the dire urgency of the worries I had with a baby/toddler. I’m not saying life is cake now, but I do feel like I can be a little more relaxed.
First, I have to say, we had that kitchen floor in our last house. I do not miss it. Although, the dirt hiding skills are unparalleled.
Second, I am with you on… everything. I am now aging at the speed of light as my youngest is turning 13 in a couple of weeks. My oldest is graduating high school. GRADUATING. I am now ancient. (at 42)
Third, it has been long enough since I’ve had a sqwishy baby or adorable toddler that I miss it. I try to remind myself of the down sides but FAIL. Luckily, I have no desire to start all over. My current goal is to get them all graduated from high school alive and without a major arrest record or drug addiction. I figure they can always overcome poor grades or lack of immediate college education. But the other things are much harder to overcome… especially death.
I love this. I am currently in the very young kind stage and the daily grind is HARD. Not like i need to tell you that! My oldest is 6 (finishing K too) and then 3 and 1 on Friday. Although I know you have other difficult things to deal with – that bulleted list up there…that is what i dream about…and it is SOO nice to hear from someone on the other side…
The one thing I am most excited for is not having that NO ONE TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN feeling anymore. Diapers I don’t mind, because I hate (HATE) taking kids to the potty. But, man, if they would just stop crawling all over me that would be AWESOME.
I vastly prefer diapers to potty-help, too. But TAKE HEART: right after potty-help is “I haven’t had to be involved with my children’s pottying in ANY WAY.”
It’s all a phase. All of it. The good and the bad both pass, and more good and bad take their place. This post is so wise, and is the definition of motherhood. A great aspect of not having babies/toddlers that you didn’t mention? Every one of the Boys can now reliably hit the bucket when he barfs. It should be a resume skill.
I’m still in the thick of things and though pregnant, we are contemplating this being our last. Part of me thinks, “I can’t be done having kids! I’m so young!” which is sort of absurd but rational thought isn’t my strong suit these days. It just puts you in another mental category that sometimes you’re ready/not ready for. I also think of things as oldest/youngest- I’ll have a kindergartener and a newborn!- kind of skipping the 2.5 year old who isn’t sleeping well and is potty training.
Ugh, I am right in the middle of “Worrying that they will do something to ruin their lives” phase, with an 18 year old and a 13 year old. My oldest is a high school senior who joined the National Guard his junior year. He is also a high school senior who may not graduate, because he spent an entire semester goofing off. If he doesn’t graduate, he’ll be dishonorably discharged from the Guard, which will follow him around for the REST OF HIS LIFE. We will know tomorrow if he squeaked out enough credits to graduate. Meanwhile, his stepmother and I are planning a long session of taking turns weeping at him and shaking him senseless, regardless of the outcome. He has seriously aged us both ten years over the last 6 weeks, which is when we discovered how far behind he really was in his schoolwork.
Thank goodness the 13 year old is fairly easy. Her biggest issue is that she turns her alarm clock off in the morning and goes back to sleep. A few mornings of airhorn wake-ups should fix that.
Swistle, I can always count on you to provide great insight.
I KNOW I am in the middle of the golden years (mine are 10 and 7). All the things on your bulleted list make me happy on a daily basis, and I know enough to be thankful. But somehow I can’t stop myself from (at least occasionally) looking ahead and dreading the teenage years. I teach high school, so that doesn’t help. (Teenagers at home AND at work? Have mercy!) My 10 y.o. is approaching puberty and she is not QUITE as sweet as she was just a few months ago. And yes, there is the whole fear that they will ruin their lives and/or not want to have anything to do with me. So…all that to say thank you for reminding me there will be some new good parts, too.
This is perfect! I appreciate your ability to write these things out the way that you do! It’s all so jumbled in my mind, but so clear when I read what you’ve written =).
My kids are 7 & 12 and I have to say I really like the middle years, which are less labor-intensive than the little kid years, yet with no-one old enough to go out and worry us half to death on the weekends.
I do tend to always be looking ahead and anticipating my next degree of freedom. What I really want as a part-time, work-at-home mom is for the younger one to be just a little more independent, so summers are not so crazy-making. I think we’ll be there in a couple years. But then we were at the pool yesterday and I walked by the baby pool and I saw all the adorable little ones in there and I thought, never again for me, and it was sad.
BTW, do I remember correctly that kindergarten is half-time where you live so next year is your first year of all kids at school full-time? That makes a huge difference, I think, having gotten to that milestone almost 2 years back.
Yes, that’s right: kindergarten is less than 3 hours a day here, and involves drop-off/pick-up hassle. Next year it’ll REALLY be “all five kids in school”!
I can’t help but feel like those twin double trouble pictures were for me. (OMG, someday they will crawl and walk and get in to things)
I feel you on this post. Ugh. Just grow up and also stop growing up already.
This. Mine are 21 and 24. I never ever ever want to be *that* parent who causes anyone to be anything but as happy as they can be in the moment or appear dismissive of the struggles a parent faces at every stage of parenting. I wish someone had told me when mine were little that I needed to be happy in the moment, and not always looking forward to the easier phase. I regret not at least trying harder to be in the moment, and enjoy each phase for what it was. This post reflects my thoughts exactly, without being offensive.
I’m dealing with a crisis with the 24 year old right now. Although he’s an adult, he’s still my child. I’m still his mom. I love him so much. This is not easy and I’m trying damn hard to see the life lessons for both of us. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. There you go.
I love this so much (especially your pictures, omg, hilarious) and I have so much to say that I might just make it a blog post of my own and link back to you. Because there is just so much to be said. My youngest is almost eight, and that’s pretty weird. I have a friend who is going away for four years, when she gets back my oldest will be a teenager. OMG!
I’d been getting so wistful about babies, having been trying to get pregnant for a long time. Now I’ve just gotten pregnant and your list took a lot of the “teeny feet!” “Gummy smiles!” out of my sails. I remember most of those victories and yes, the Bests and Worsts just change to different Bests and Worsts. C’est le vie.
Wanted to add: I LOVE the dirt and sugar photos. My husband thinks I am insane for stopping to take a picture of messes like that. Is the floor going to get any dirtier if I wait 30 seconds by taking a picture? Nudity-free embarrassment-picture for the graduation/wedding rehearsal: Done.
This post is just perfectly titled. I feel like kind of a idiot for not realizing before I had kids that I would never stop worrying about them. I realize in hindsight that this is incredibly obvious, but I just didn’t get it. Oldest is 10 and I worry about all kinds of random crap (school, sports, logistics). Youngest is nearly 4 and I worry about totally different things (but not the same things I worried about when oldest was that age because youngest is a totally different kind of kid and because I realize some of the things I worried about just were not worth worrying about). There are so many really great things about not having babies anymore ad great phases with all ages, but the road of parenting is looooong and stretches ahead. Sigh.
I think about this sort of thing a lot. I remember people saying when I was in high school that it was supposed to be the best time of one’s life, and I thought they were out of their minds. Luckily, as I suspected at the time, they were wrong (same went for college — it was fine, but it wasn’t The Time of My Life). I don’t think there IS a purely “best time” in life, which is a relief — because what are we supposed to do when we’re NOT in that alleged “best time”? Just off ourselves because it’ll never get any better? Come on. Every phase in life (and in parenting) seems to have great parts and not-great parts. We’re always trading one set of problems for another, but also gaining different perks along the way.
I don’t miss the baby stage at all, with the exception of holding a snuggly little body in my arms. But even when I get nostalgic about that, I remember that those snuggles were always extremely brief, and typically were shattered by ear-piercing screams and/or a diaper blowout. I do get preemptively upset about leaving the “little kid” stage and moving on to the “big kid” stage, because Felicity is SO FUN right now at age 3. On the other hand, I have thought that same thing at every age so far, and every time she gets a year older, it turns out that the new age is EVEN MORE FUN (and easier — I don’t think anything until the teen years will be harder than the toddler stage, like 15-24 months; oof). So I hope that will continue, but I also recognize that — as you so wisely put it in this post — every time we advance, we both gain and give up some things.
Although I do kind of wish someone would perfect time travel, because I’d love to VISIT the baby years, and even some pre-baby times in my life — I just don’t necessarily want to LIVE there again.
Also, every one of the items on your list is on my Why I Am One-and-Done list. Especially Ruined Naptime Despair. What a perfect term!
Those pictures are making me laugh and laugh. I love the Tandem Screaming one. I can almost hear them!
This was perfectly timed, thank you. I am currently in the very little kid stage with a 4 year old and a 6 month old and was feeling kind of trapped over every one of your bullet points. Perspective is helpful. :)
I haven’t even read the rest of the post because two things:
Oh, the collage. I needed that so much. I’m having a total crap morning and your past misery is making me feel so much better.
And, six and high schooler…I just, I just…can’t. SRSLY.
Okay, now I’m going to save that collage as my screensaver and continue to read the post.
MUAH
Mine are three and one and a half. Sometimes they are very cute and snuggly, but there is so much whining. So, so, so much whining. I-want-to-rip-my-ears-off-even-though-that-won’t-help-I-know-how-ears-work amounts of whining.
I absolutely loved this! And yes, when mine was small I was still so young but once he hit the teen years I aged drastically! Apparently now I am ancient.
Someone once told me that when they are small you have small worries (to a degree, I suppose) and when they are big you have bigger worries. At this point, I’m just hoping this kid continues to make good choices, stays out of trouble and gets through college.
Yes, there are new difficult things and good things all the time. I will say that I very much prefer the phase I’m in (ages 10 and 12) to any of that baby or toddler stuff. Often, now, I regret not having a larger family, but I cannot bring myself to start over and go through all that again. I did not do well with it, mentally. I really didn’t. Sometimes I consider adopting, but is it really adopting if I just want a 20-something who has already gone through college and has a job? And who wants to come hang out, do holidays (or not), etc.? Because that would be ideal.
I liked what Saly said above – Just grow up and stop growing up already. Exactly!
That list of what you don’t have to do anymore makes me want to cry with jealousy.
I so enjoyed this. And Lawyerish’s comment. And baby Rob in the Dior outfit. The bulleted list scared me, but I am focusing on the overall theme of the post, as my take away and not the bulleted list specifically.
This.
It seems really unfair that we, the parents, have to endure all of 4 (and all of 14, and so on) in a year. Because now, while my son is 6, it would be great if he could be 16 (or 8, or 12) for just a few random days here and there and I’m sure the same will be true in reverse when he is 16.
For now, I just try to keep reminding myself that if everything goes according to plan (or hopes), in what will seem like the blink of an eye I will be complaining that he Sleeps Until Noon! and Won’t Say a Word to Me! Because OMG, at the moment he is Up At the Crack of Dawn! and Won’t Stop Talking!
That seems like it would be a great concept for a book. Somebody should write it!
Haha, thanks! Maybe. But not me! And hopefully not Stephen King because as my son used to say when he was 3 before (e.g.) somersaulting off the sofa, “This is going to end badly!” We still use that line (which he picked up from his dad).
I have a three year old and an 11 month old. The whole list of things you no longer have to do makes me smile with the relief I will someday feel. It also makes me want to go scoop my sweet little baby up and cuddle him because “OH MAH BAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…. ” I tell them every day to stay little and they are horribly disobedient and keep getting bigger. Great post.
To tell you the truth, this post gave me hope. HOPE. Along with the realization that someday my life will not consist of the things that it currently does! (newborn plus toddler.) And I have saved and reread each week your Postpartum post.
And thank you thank you thank you, because reading and rereading these posts keeps me sane at midnight.
No diapers and no (teenage) drivers in our house. I do believe we are in the parenting sweet spot.