Something in my brain must have re-wired itself, because recently I can’t think a single scornful thought without a knee-jerk reaction from my brain. “Oh, nice, just cut me off,” I think about another driver. “You don’t really know how long they’ve been trying to get out of that side-street,” responds my brain, or possibly my knee. “And you know how tense you get when people are behind you waiting to go—it’s probably made you cut things a bit close too.” “Does she really have to follow that child everywhere?,” I think about another parent. “She’s probably wondering why YOU aren’t paying adequate attention to your child. Or perhaps she isn’t, because she’s just paying attention to her own business instead of looking around judgily. And you don’t know it’s her idea to follow him: it could be that he’s insisting on it. Or he might not be able to play safely on his own. Or maybe this is a rare time for her to give him some one-on-one time. Or maybe she LIKES playing, even though you don’t,” comes the reply.
You’d think that if I tried to do the same thing, my brain would praise me for it. I see someone moping about how no one even noticed they took a Twitter break, and I think correctingly in their direction, as my brain would do for me: “Well, do YOU notice when OTHER people take Twitter breaks? And if you DO notice, do you contact the person, or do you assume they have their reasons—so they’d never KNOW you noticed, just as YOU don’t know if other people noticed?” But instead of patting me for learning and applying, my brain corrects this too: “Everyone feels a little illogical self-pity now and then. And it is REALLY EASY to see other people doing it, and REALLY HARD to see oneself doing it.”
On one hand, isn’t this nice? What a nicely-balanced, calm, accepting person I am likely to become from this relentless onslaught of internal kind-but-firm correction! On the other hand, things are going too far when I see one of those genuinely stupid and awful Facebook posts, and I think a legitimately scornful thought about it, and my brain steps in about THAT. No. I will continue to think scornful things about things that are genuinely stupid and awful. (“You know, everyone posts things like that sometimes….” NO. NO, THEY DO NOT.)
Ha! Your years of writing online have created an internal chorus of blog commenters.
This is PERFECT!
Yes. I flip flop between patting myself on the back for my ability to see things from their perspective without jumping straight to “what an idiot/jerk/selfish asshat” and scolding myself for not calling people out for really being an idiot/jerk/selfish asshat. The problem is that it is so hard to know whether they are Going Through Stuff (need a sympathetic smile) or if they just feel entitled (need a good old Gibbs slap).
But just having that inner discussion make me feel like a better person even if I don’t always actually do the right thing.
ha! This is how my brain has ALWAYS been. It’s made me a very reasonable and annoying person.
“Awww. This must be a genuinely stupid and annoying person! How sad and troubling, for them and their family and their work associates!”
…
There’s always that approach.
Oh Swistle I love you. I try to FORCE my brain to be kinder/more reasonable/more understanding… but I can see how it would get verrrrrrrrrrry irritating if it just jumped right in on its own.
Every great once in a while my brain will have that same knee jerk reaction; but it never lasts long.
As for those stupid and awful Facebook posts? Yeah, I never find any sympathy for those.
For your sake (and likely ours) I’m hoping this is just a spring phenomenon. You know, like a weather front passing through?
Swistle! I have this, too! I often feel like it gives most people WAY more of a pass with me than they, themselves, are willing give me in return. But you know what? Totally worth it in terms of the self-satisfaction of not being a total PINEHOLE. (Yeah, my own ICM just reminded me that you don’t like swears, thus I’m using your terms, lady. :) ) (ICM just said “Oh most people aren’t really PINEHOLES; they’re just not as committed to self-awareness as you are.)
Separately, please write the FB-post equivalent of your Christmas Card points post. For the good of society.
Love you!!!
Ami
I second a Facebook scorecard!
This is me, except replace “internal correction mechanism” with “husband.” I would say 9 out of every 10 judgey, ventful complaints about others from me get a “Well, maybe something reasonable that I don’t want to hear because it makes me feel like a judgmental jerk” from him. It is both one of the best and one of the worst things about him – now you have me wondering if it’s just an uncontrollable internal impulse that his brain does on its own.
Ohh I hate when my husband does this. It makes me feel like I’m married to someone’s Great-Aunt…
I’m the great aunt in my marital relationship. I can often not stop myself from playing devil’s advocate as to other’s intentions and giving them the benefit of the doubt. But I do have a good case of road rage from time to time and have had to learn to dial myself down in that situation. One day I had to repeat to myself that no matter who was right at that 4 way stop (*I* was right!!!) the only way to win at driving is for everyone to get home safely. Breathe in, breathe out.
This made me think of your “imagine someone else is saying it” post — imagine if someone else kept correcting your snarky/angry thoughts with compassionate/thoughtful remarks! You’d probably want to punch them right in the gut.
Seriously, though, I really TRY to remind myself that other people are fighting hard battles and that there might be valid reasons for their doing something that feels jerky to me (i.e., maybe that guy who just stole my cab is rushing to the hospital because his wife is about to give birth, even though it appears that he’s just a giant a-hole). I am very impressed that your brain is able to do this on a regular basis without prompting!
I’m in a similar space, but mine is caused by parenting Coop. All my judgey “I WOULD NEVER!!” are coming home to roost.