The younger children were so agonized this morning giving me the Mother’s Day presents and cards they made in school: a high percentage of elementary school teachers (all three of them this year) favor poems and prose in a style the children find mortifying. “I DIDN’T WRITE THAT!!,” they assure me, or “SHE MADE US WRITE THAT!!” Aw, thanks, honey, I love you too!
But I identify and empathize, because our family does not talk that way. Paul and I have never described our marriage as a magical journey or as a twining of souls. I’ve never told my children that they are precious gifts or the stars in my sky or that they will always be in my heart. The children seem completely unnatural signing their names to cards that claim to think the word mom is the most beautiful in the language and to revere my tender care and my gentle smile. I don’t say such things to my own mother, either, nor do I call her my guiding light or the best mother in the world, or suggest that she is an angel walking on this earth.
I think some people really do talk and feel that way toward each other: they really FEEL that way, comically foreign as those words seem to me. They think of their spouse, and they envision entwined souls; they think of their children, and they think of precious stars. They hear that “I’m Already There” song where the guy claims to be the sunshine in his family’s hair, and they don’t think to themselves, “No, seriously, I’m wondering like what time specifically you’re going to be home, I need to plan dinner. Unless you want me to just spoon some into our hair for you.” The imagery RESONATES with them. (I’m sorry, I’m getting tired of the word “resonates,” too, but it’s just so USEFUL.)
Then I think there’s a second, much-larger category of people who don’t talk or feel that way EITHER, but they use it the way they’d use the King James Version of the Bible for a wedding, or the way they stop using contractions when they’re discussing Something Meaningful: the language seems appropriate for the message. They don’t analyze each part (“Is it actually accurate to say that she is the wind beneath my wings?” “Does ‘do not’ where ‘don’t’ would be more natural make me sound Trying To Sound Meaningful instead of actually meaningful?”), it’s more like getting dressed up. It’s special language to indicate a special occasion.
And then there’s the last category of people, which includes me. And yet I cut some slack, as I do with the word “blessed” in Christmas-card letters (it’s only after the first use of the word that people start losing points), because of that second category: if a friend sends me a “To My Dear Friend” poem-card and yet I know from years of experience that we’re compatible, I interpret it correctly as a Dressed Up / Special Occasion card rather than wondering if she’s switched sides on me.
Paul’s mom and grandmothers sent cards like that all the time. It was odd to get a card from his mom, when we didn’t get along, telling me in flower-decorated script poetry that I was like a daughter to her and that she was so lucky I’d married her son. She didn’t mean it, but it’s not that she was faking it, either: it’s that to her, on special occasions you use this language. It’s not what’s said, it’s the WAY it’s said. She was category #2 all the way.
I’m sure she was puzzled why I never sent her the “A Poem to My Other Mother” card from the mother-in-law section—not because she thought I felt that way, but because that is the card the daughter-in-law is supposed to send. It’s MEANINGFUL; my stars, who said it’s supposed to be TRUE? Civilized people say sorry when they don’t deep-down care about the stranger’s foot they stepped on, and they say thank you even when they hate the gift, and they send “To My Special Daughter-in-Law on Mother’s Day” cards even when their son married someone stubbornly unwilling to listen to the abundant wise advice offered by their mothers-in-law who only want to help with all those OBVIOUS MISTAKES they’re CONSTANTLY making, like what is UP with buying the WRONG BRAND of peanut butter and the BOXES of brown sugar instead of bags and wasting money on NON-GREEN bell peppers, my god this girl needs HELP, why won’t she TAKE it???
It’s not just a love-language thing, either. I tend to express love via food and gifts and tasks rather than words, but if I DID do it with words, I wouldn’t use the kinds of words I keep seeing on cards and framed poems and Facebook status updates, the kind my mother-in-law would buy pre-printed. It’s not that I don’t like WORDS, it’s that I don’t fit this STYLE of words. Words are clearly my thing, but I would use DIFFERENT words. A good example is blog posts: I write them, just like a lot of other people write them, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever in my life end a post in the “I hope you always will, baby. I hope you always will” style. (If I ever DO, please remember the warning signs of stroke.) And I like to RECEIVE love via words, but by that I mean, “Wow, you did so much work on that closet!” and “Cute hair!” and “I don’t know how you managed to be patient with him during that whole thing,” and not “You are the most perfect wife in the world and I love you with my whole heart,” or anything that requires the use of my whole name, or anything that includes unrealistic certainty about the future. So it’s not that I don’t express love with words (don’t Paul and I say “See you in hell” to each other pretty much EVERY DAY?), it’s that I don’t identify AT ALL with the TYPES of words.
And neither do the kids, poor things. I had to assure Edward, who was lying face down on the couch with embarrassment, that I KNEW he wasn’t the one who chose that poem glued to his card, and that I TOO hated to be forced to say something in someone else’s words. When he’s grown up, I assured him, he can communicate his Mother’s Day feelings via boxes of Ferrero Rocher chocolates and a card that invites me to meet him in hell. And I will understand. I will understand.
Hm. This is interesting. I wonder if some of this has to do with locale as well. Some parts of the country seem to be known for their realistic and hard working natures. Reusing tin foil. Always doing something. Nixing the flowery language. Maybe?
I DO call my children stars. I tell them my love for them is like the moon at night, big and round and warm and bright. But my love language is words. And I have an English degree. And I am a librarian. Words matter to me.
I wonder if the teachers had any inkling that the cards they had the kids make would send them face-first into the couch of shame. This whole scenario is very educational. Never occurred to me that folks might feel that way.
Misty–I love the way that sounds in my head. Reminds me of a handful of the most delightful children’s books.
There’s also a big difference between sweet, rolling poetry and flat-out purple prose. My grandmother used to combine bright colors / pink, flowery language, fuzzy animals, and underlining the poem inside. Then she’d draw a giant smiley or two. And sign her whole damn name.
We did not speak the same language, but hers was funny.
I love this post with the fire of a thousand suns, to the moon and back, and all that other crap.
So, I actually started making my own cards for this very reason. I would spend half an hour in front of the card display, paralyzed at the idea of trying to find two graduation cards and a mother’s day card. I’m not very crafty, but it still takes a lot less time to make the card and write “Happy Mother’s Day! I love you!” than to go through every individual card trying to find one where I actually agreed with what was written inside.
P.S. My mother-in-law underlines these flowery statements in the cards for emphasis. I have no idea how she produced my husband.
I am absolutely in your camp. This is why all my greeting cards default to humor. Every now and then, I’ve asked my husband to pick up a Mother’s Day card for my mom and he has chosen cards with flowery language. Every single time that happens, my mom asks me if he bought the card!
I’m somewhere between groups 2 and 3. I understand that it’s important to some people, so I use it for them, and sometimes it just seems like the best way to express something unexpressible. I don’t think my husband and I are “soul mates”, but I will happily tell him that I will love him “forever and ever”. One seems much less obnoxious than the other, even though they are both “flowery language”. I like things that create nice visuals and sometimes it is the lazy way out because I don’t know how to adequately (or concisely) say what I want to say. So I sort of blend the two. “I will love you forever and ever because you do awesome things like do all the yard work so I don’t have to!” It’s romantically practical?
I don’t see why the teacher couldn’t let them write their message in their own words. What are they teaching? That what the child would naturally say is not good enough? That their own expression of love does not matter? Grrrrrrrr. I hate it when adults try to mold children into perfect little automatons.
That “I’m Already There” song is the very top of my list of Songs I Absolutely Cannot Relate To On Any Level. No, dude, really. Why are you lying to your children about being home? You’re just going to confuse them. Just Skype them and explain you’re in Texas or whatever and will be home in a week.
It is important to me that the cards I give express honest feelings and realistically characterize my relationship with the recipient. This means that I end up spending a lot of time in the card isle, bypassing mushy sentimental lies, hunting for the straightforward cards, distressed by how few there are. I always feel sort of jealous of the people who can by cards that say things like “You are more than my in-law, you are my best friend, my inspiration for living and the one who has taught me everything of value in my life!” and seriously mean them or atleast keep a straight face when they imagine giving them.
See, I agree with the basic goals you express, except the problem you describe perplexes me because … how did any of us (I am not there) land in a place where it is better (I surmise it must be better?) to buy a card that has the “right” words rather than write the words yourself? In my world, if you buy a card with the words written in it (by someone else, i.e., the card vendor) then you may count as being in Swistle’s category 2, and I am OK with that. Not great, but OK. But if you really want me to be touched by the words … write them yourself.
I buy blank cards (oh yes, I do. In quantity!) and I hand write whatever the heck I want to say in them. Unless what I want to say is unfriendly or unkind, then I just stick with “Happy Birthday!” or “Thinking of you!” or whatever is accurate without, perhaps, being fully expressive. Because, you know.
Just one word- AGREE. With your entire post. I don’t even send cards, I think they are a huge waste of money for the sole purpose of making the greeting card companies some quick, guaranteed cash every holiday and none holiday (which, isn’t there a different card-giving occasion every month?)
But, I also understand that some people EXPECT cards. My family just knows not to expect one from me- ever. I know, I know. It’s terrible.
I call them on special days and send them packages during the year for no occasion what-so-ever. Things I’ve made for them, my children have made and items I’ve seen at the store & purchased just because I thought they would like it. I don’t save all the gifts for birthdays and Christmas either, because I always have this nagging thought that “what if they die or are in some horrible accident and this thing I got for them that they would LOVE they day after Christmas has been sitting in my closet for an entire year and they never got to use it or enjoy it”.
Big, long ramble to say: I understand love languages. Gifts are definitely not mine, but I can understand why someone would want a card. Lucky for me, most of my family & husbands family feels the same way.
I do this, too!
I do the gift thing, too! It irrationally irritates me when people smugly announce that all their Christmas shopping is finished, and it’s only September!
I am so grateful my mom and I see eye-to-eye on the non-flowery words thing. Honestly, I would love to give/receive a Mother’s Day card that says “As a mother, You don’t suck.”
I haven’t heard the song referenced here…and I spent a few minutes thinking it was “Already Gone” by the Eagles…was very confused!
Love this! I think I’m a combination of 1 & 3 – I’m a big words person, but the words have to be sincere. If it’s flowery because that person really has felt like the wind beneath my wings, I’ll use that, but will still spend lots of time in the card aisle trying to find something that I would’ve written myself, or that makes me think, “Well, I haven’t said that, but I would/should/could.” And do end up frequently going the humorous route, because I love to laugh and would rather entertain someone than card-lie to them about how they’re the world’s greatest person or the thing that keeps me going or whatever.
I LOVE this post! ‘…a card that invites me to meet him in hell.’ LOL
I like to show people I love them by spending the better parts of days in the kitchen making chocolatey goodness for special occasions, but I’m not above telling them I love them and I need them and they are the best part of my day if they need to hear it. I just believe showing them is better. :)
I get it. I’m also one of those that stands in the card aisle reading EVERY. SINGLE. CARD. trying to find one that expresses my feelings in my words. It’s impossible. I’d follow the other commenters suggestion about making cards – but lately, I’m usually buying one at the last possible moment so that’s out.
Happy Mother’s Day. There was that straightforward enough?
Agree. It took me forever to sift through the Mother’s Day cards that said “You’re the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD” and “You’re my BEST FRIEND” to find one that said, basically, “I hope you have a great day.” Because I do hope she has a great day. But let’s not exaggerate, here.
What an interesting post for MD. You hit the nail on the head. I don’t understand the reason to tell someone you think they are great, when in all sincerity they are not so great. I always tell my children-we cannot like/love everyone in this world. That would be a perfect world. For those people you do truly care about, make sure you show it and do it often. For those you don’t-eh don’t feel badly about not lying to them. I am not a big hug/kiss me type. I don’t hand out hugs and kisses freely. For me that just would make the act meaningless. Let me tell you, there are some that do it all the time to everyone. Happy Mothers Day~may your day be a blessing!!
Even though I am totally and completely Type 1 (and I love the flowery words with my whole heart), I adore this post. And you.
My mother died last year, and even though I am sad and missing her, there is a small part of me that is relieved I don’t have to pick out a mother’s day card this year.
Hahahahaaaa. I just want to say the end of this post made me laugh out loud. :-)
There is SO much in this post.
Firstly, I feel for the poor children. Why wouldn’t the teachers just let them fill in the blank after “I love my mom because _______, and my favorite thing about my mom is _______”? Then they could slap a handprint painting type thing on it and call it good. Yeesh.
I am very much a type one, but in private. Also I reserve that affection for my husband and future children. I tell my nephews I love them on occasion and that is it. I have casual friends who tell me they love me and I find it irritating. I used to reciprocate, but don’t anymore because it’s not how I feel. Same thing about flippantly declaring a love for stuff or weather or a sports star or something.
Heehee. This was too good. I think worse than the flowery cards for me are the overly, in-your-face religious ones. I know not everyone would agree with me on this, but I’m a very private person, I have a hard enough time sharing non-weighty personal details with others. When it comes to faith and religion…honestly, I’d rather not talk about it. I think it is too personal to explain out loud, let alone emblazon on a card. My dear MIL’s cards make me literally squirm. They always say something like “Christ’s light guided you into my son’s life, and by His grace your souls were forever bound. Let us give thanks for his infinite wisdom, and pray that your union is forever a shining example of Godly love.” 1.) I’m pretty sure it’s my birthday and 2.)*squirm* and 3.) Is it just me or does that sound a little more threatening than encouraging? :/
“what is UP with buying the WRONG BRAND of peanut butter and the BOXES of brown sugar instead of bags and wasting money on NON-GREEN bell peppers, my god this girl needs HELP, why won’t she TAKE it???”
OMG, love it. Don’t know about my ILs (probably some and not others) but am entirely sure there are folks out there who feel this way about me.
I’m glad you have introduced me to category 2 people because clearly they exist, and that is (at least) OK. Better to embrace them for who they are than to puzzle over it.
As for me, the words only have “real” meaning to (or from) me if you (I) wrote them your(my)self, by hand. But your bringing my attention to the group 2 people helps me get past that. Which is good, since I married one.
Before I was halfway through the first paragraph I was yelling, “I’ll see you in hell, Swistle! SEE YOU IN HELL!!!!” and by the end, there it was. Kindred spirits. I can WRITE that, but I’d never say it to anyone. I’ve had my husband come home from a long trip and said, “Did you miss me?” and he’s said, “I was going to, but I forgot.” This is our See You In Hell.
Thankfully, this years kid-created gifts were simple (think planted marigold, hand print) and “in the child’s words”. I think greeting cards are a giant waste of money!! If a card is involved, I like the ones that keep it simple or have a sense of humor…or those that are blank so I can add my own words if I wish. The over-the-top language often makes me laugh…it’s just too much!
My husband is a fan of the flowery “wind beneath my wings” greeting card lingo and it honestly makes me laugh every time he chooses one (you should have seen what he wanted to use for our wedding invitations…OMG). My younger son is definitely like his father because he often comes up with phrases like “Mommy, your kisses make my heart happy” or “I wiped your kiss off my cheek and put it in my heart”. Hmmm, maybe he has a future as a greeting card author?
I tend to shop for cards based on what I think the other person will appreciate/likes to hear, not necessarily on what I would say if I were writing it myself, BUT … I will make sure I mean the words. Like, I would never write some of the actual flowery things from the Mother’s Day card I’ve sent my mom, but I work to find a card that captures a sentiment I actually do feel. So, almost the opposite of number 2, I guess. Like, I don’t send the flowery card because it’s what’s expected, even though we might all agree that we don’t actually feel those specific things for each other. Rather, I send a card if it expresses something I might feel but actually would never, ever say out loud or even write. Which makes me the perfect target for greeting cards, actually, except that card shopping takes me a long time. Often, I end up defaulting and go with a funny/sarcastic card because so many of the flowery ones DON’T capture a sentiment I actually feel (no one I know is the wind beneath my wings).
I think the only exception is that I will send a religious card to someone I know is fairly religious, especially if its for sympathy or condolence. I neither feel nor would say such things, but if God and prayer and His warm embrace are what will make you feel better, then I’ve no problem letting Hallmark do that work for me.
Well, I left the computer, and by the time I came back, Alexicographer covered most of my approach to cards. :) I’m a big fan of what my family calls ‘mushy-gushy’ cards, but they’re handwritten notes on blank cards or cards w/ a very simple message that we then cover with sentiment – we’re a wordy bunch, so having lots of space is good. That said, the cards only work because a plain card is also fine – if you’re not feeling loquacious, you don’t have to make something up.
But my first girlfriend was a Type 2, and I remember just being baffled by the super hearts and flowers card she gave me on our anniversary. She’s really sarcastic, so I thought she was making a joke. It went … poorly when I shared that interpretation with her. (Oh, high school love and its many assorted blunders.) We broke up before our next anniversary, so I never ran into it again, but it makes total sense that she was just using Special Occasion language! This is a super helpful category to consider.
I SOOOOOOOO agree with you! I spent WAY too much time picking out cards for events, because I simply cannot bring myself to purchase cards that say crap I do NOT feel. I love my mother, and am grateful for the sacrifices she made on my behalf, but her personality grates on my nerves, so spending time with her is not my favorite activity and she is DEFINITELY not my favorite person. Thus, I am not buying her a card that says she is the moon and stars to me. I like knowing she is healthy and in another state. That’s more accurate. Of course, I also laughed my butt off (HAH!) when I opened my card from my 16 y/o son: a donkey with a $0.75 price tag that said “I know you love bargains, so I got you this CHEAP-ASS card.” I also won’t buy my mother a card that says “mom” because I don’t call her that.
Hmm, yes, I grew up in a family of teasers, not gushers. I would be face down on the couch right next to Edward.
Also, I closed this post without commenting because I thought “Swistle doesn’t need to hear that I agree with her again,” but came back to agree with you anyway. This is my love language to you, Swistle.
I’m so glad to hear that others language of love includes things like, “See you in hell.” As I frequently tell my husband I want to stab him. And he often would like to choke me. But really, I do love him quite a bit. So, yeah, to others we sound like we belong in jail but really, it’s just our language of love.
One of my grandmothers used to send those types of super flowery birthday cards AND she would also underline certain words. Some words even got a double underline. It seemed SO odd to me as a child and looking back doesn’t make much more sense. I am much more likely to use blank cards and write a message that I actually mean.
Haaa, “See you in hell!” You are my people.
I am not a flowery language person, either. When I buy cards I always default to the humor cards, as I’m much more likely to find a funny card I can identify with than a flowery one. I just cannot even pretend to speak like that. It’s like another language.
i feel for your kids. i absolutely CANNOT bring myself to buy those types of cards for either of my parents, even if i think they would like them (while also being extremely confused that it came from me). I default to joke cards as well, as a result (or handwritten ones) and be sure to write in that i love them very much, because that is true.
Oh, I am so a 3 but my mother wants to get the gushy cards, but I can’t bring myself to buy cards that say things I wouldn’t say or don’t even actually feel. I agonize over the stupid card purchase. With my dad, I can go funny. With my mom, a funny card would tick her off. Actually no, it would make her all huffy with hurt feelings.
I so relate to something I think I saw Temerity Jane say on Twitter once regarding the relationship my mom wants versus the one she actually gets – that my mom is barking up the wrong daughter.
This post is SO GOOD. This is exactly how I feel about flowery language and I often question the person’s sincerity when they speak in this manner. My husband and I speak / joke in the same “see you in hell, i’m going to punch you, love ya babes” way…ah, true romance! Sincerely though, I really DO find this type of speaking romantic ha. :).
My husband’s family and my family have very different Greeting Card Styles, and I have found it so interesting/strangely off-putting from the first time I experienced it. This post helps me remember that one style is not right and the other wrong; it’s just how people express themselves, or were taught to express themselves, or think they SHOULD express themselves, via the greeting card industry.
Specifically, my family does jokey or lightly sentimental cards that are carefully selected for the recipient and his/her sense of humor/the occasion, and then we write notes — sometimes long, but as the years wear on, more often short, but still personal — on the inside. Meanwhile, my husband’s family sends the flowery script, faux-Impressionist-painting-of-a-boat cards, like “Dear Son, You Are the Most Special Human Being on Earth,” that strike me as completely generic and also 100% unrelated to the way that they actually relate to one another in daily life or to any of their interests/personalities. AND, on the inside at the top they write, Dear So-and-So, and then underneath the flowery-scripted poem, they just sign their name with no note. As if they authored the card (I am always like, YOU DID NOT WRITE THAT POEM).
Swistle, I had a light dawn on me when you said that your MIL felt that those were the cards she was supposed to use because those were the feelings she was supposed to have — that is EXACTLY what I think is the case with my ILs. I feel I have a much greater understanding of life now.
I suffer from card issues as well. Neither of my parents are gushy. I mean they tell me they love me, but there was never a lot of flowery sentiment. I’m the same way and have just defaulted to buying blank cards for Mother’s and Father’s day because I cannot handle the you’re my best friend/wind beneath my wings/guiding light of love things in cards. I cannot bring myself to buy those kinds of cards at all.
Oldest is taking after me. This year I finally received a Mother’s Day letter from oldest that suits our love language. Evidently, his teacher had all the kids write their own letters and the parameters were basically you have to write your mom and say thank you for three things that she does for you that you appreciate and/or love. Oldest’s three things: (1) I take him to soccer and cheer him on, (2) I helped him learn to read (6 years ago…), and best of all (3) I make him food when he’s hungry – like other mothers starve their hungry kids? I found his letter to be hilariously grounded and unsentimental and, therefore, perfectly suited to my son’s love language (and mine). Best card ever.
This.
Exactly.
I once got a homemade Valentine from my son with a picture of a snow man that had toppled over with the words “Love you to death” on the outside and “Oops. I guess I loved you too much” on the inside. I think he was in 2nd grade when he made (4 years ago) and it’s still on display in the living room.
I totally understand my mother-in-law now, thank you Swistle. I am blunt and straight forward and she is flowery and always buys exaggeratred cards with pretty words that drive me up a wall. I know that she doesn’t mean all that crap but that has to be what she thinks I want to hear or what she thinks she would be telling me. OMG! Also, a part of me thinks that maybe these ridiculous cards are made for people that are insecure. Maybe she buys me these flowery cards because these things are what she wants to hear from me about her. She would totally deny all of this though. Thank you Swistle. Yet more proof that you are a genius and that’s no bs from a card.
D
I never thought of it this way, really, but it makes perfect sense now. My MIL also is #2 category (childish of me, but that made me laugh in a totally potty humor way). We tolerate each other but she sends flowery cards when I think she means, “Thanks for keeping my precious son and grandchildren alive.” I stopped sending her cards altogether and just send her flowers signed with our name – she’s happy and I don’t feel dishonest.
Oh, and that reminds me how my MIL also sent the cards to “Mrs. Paul Thistle.” Like, “Here’s the beloved daughter-in-law card for whoever is currently in that position at this address.” (I KNOW she meant it as The Proper Way to Address a Card and NOT the way I just made fun of it—but for me it added an amusing second layer of not-really-meaning-it!)
I see you in hell your blog, Swistle.
Yeah…I called my husband a jerk when he proposed to me. In front of my family and his brother and a rolling video camera. I think it meant the world to him, but I’m pretty sure everyone else wondered if we’d really make it to the altar. And beyond. :)