Here is the kind of marital situation I find difficult to handle:
Last night I made dinner, and it was rather an EXTENSIVE one and used many pans. With that kind of meal particularly, it makes the most sense to me to clean as I go: wash the pasta pan and strainer as soon as the pasta is out, wash the cheese sauce pan as soon as the cheese sauce is on the pasta, wash the cracker-crumb bowl and butter pan as soon as I’m done with THOSE, wash the cutting board after I’ve cut up the ham, and so on. So even though I like the general concept of “one person cooks, the other person cleans,” I can start out with a base layer of resentment because I’ve already done quite a bit of the clean-up. Plus, we don’t have an official rule for clean-up in place right now (we have in the past, but it’s not in effect at present), and so I really DON’T want to deliberately work against my own style and leave dishes all over, because _I_ might be doing them.
After dinner, Paul didn’t appear to be cleaning up, but it’s hard to tell because sometimes he prefers to do it later, which is certainly up to him. I was not in a mood that was opposed to doing dishes, though, so I scraped plates, put away leftovers, loaded and started the dishwasher, and put the two remaining pans in the sink to soak. There were dishes that didn’t fit in the dishwasher, but I figured by the time the dishwasher was done/unloaded, it would be the perfect time to finish the pans.
Okay, so LATER, I heard a Showy Fuss being made in the kitchen, and I went in to find Paul thinking he was doing the dishes. And he DID do SOME: he put away some of the teetering stack in the drying rack, and he made a kid empty the dishwasher, and he put the few remaining dishes into it, AND he did the two pans I’d left to soak.
This already makes me feel a little crazy, but I can handle it. I did 80% of it, and now he’s doing 20% and THINKING he’s doing most of it. There is no way to gracefully/kindly/maturely point this out, AND he will expect a certain amount of praise even though he didn’t praise ME for doing all the rest, AND AND AND he will be left feeling good about himself, as if his 10 minutes in the kitchen in any way balanced my hour and a half. I would genuinely rather have done the whole job myself, and yet, I feel like I can RISE ABOVE IT.
BUT THEN. The final straw was this morning when I was putting the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher and I found that he had NOT scrubbed the two pans, but had instead PUT THEM INTO THE DISHWASHER. First of all, they take up a quarter of the dishwasher, which is hugely inefficient. Second of all, it won’t even WORK: they won’t get clean that way. THIRD of all, they would have been pretty easy to scrub after their soak, but now they’ve been dry all night and everything’s crusted on. So I have to re-soak them, AND scrub them, AND he’s still got afterglow for being so awesome as to do the dishes last night, AND anything I say will be perceived as giving him negative feedback for doing household tasks unasked and/or for “not doing it MY way.” GRR.
This sort of thing makes my blood pressure skyrocket. You CANNOT WIN. And the phrase “Showy Fuss” is absolutely spot-on. Not that I am immune to making Showy Fusses myself, it should be noted. But still. The Showy Fuss over dishes that were generated in the lengthy process of making a meal that the Showy Fuss-er also consumed and enjoyed makes me want to set fire to the kitchen.
I am so there with you, I wish I could commiserate but I’m trying very hard to stop ranting on my husband because it seems to make me feel worse. But yes, any ANY issue you have with husbands and dishes – I’m there. Especially with food left on dishes when they are supposedly cleaned.
Oh. I KNOW. Everything. The showy fuss, taking up half the dishwasher with pans that could easily and quickly be washed and put away in two minutes, being pleased with himself and expecting a medal or something even though you do it all the time and nobody notices it, let alone appreciates it, and topping it off with thinking it’s completely done, but doing something wrong – not just “not your way,” but WRONG – and you not being able to even point it out so that he doesn’t do it again because he’ll just think you’re nitpicking and won’t want to pitch in the next time because clearly he will “never do it good enough for you.” UGH.
Either this is an unexpectedly sore spot for me or I need more caffeine to get uncranky.
“Base layer of resentment” – OMG – so freakin’ funny. I think my whole life is a base layer of resentment.
Also, “showy fuss” – LOL.
Yep. All of it. Yep.
That sounds about right. ::eyeroll::
You have a husband that will actually willingly do some of the dishes?! Wow. Where do I get one of those? Last night, as an example, I did the clean-as-you-go as much as I could, all the while dealing with contractions that were somewhat worrisome given my 7 months pregnant state. Then after supper, I was told to go sit down (yes!) while he cleaned up. “You’ll load the dishes in the dishwasher?!” “No, I’ll just stack them and you can do them in the morning.”
And that is exactly what happened. He did clear the table with the help of the children, and put the leftovers away, but I was left with the dishes (sitting directly above the dishwasher, mind you) to deal with this morning.
I ACKNOWLEDGE MY LUCKINESS WITHOUT GIVING UP MY CLAIM TO THE SUCKINESS
Ha ha! As I was reading this comment I was thinking “She should read the tagline to this blog :)”
You know where else I have a base layer of resentment? When dh says that he’s the cook in the family. OMGBECKY. We are always on the run so there is much heating up of already cooked food for dinners and most often that is done by him. But when a meal is prepared from actual ingredients, it is done by me. I don’t know why that is such an irritating thing to me. Heating items to 350* to be eaten on the fly is not COOKING. But of course I can’t say anything because at least he’s doing THAT.
Grrrrrrr.
Yup. This is why I would rather cook AND clean. I am so quick at it. I pretty much do 96% around the house and I’m ok with it. I even fold and put away his laundry, put away stuff he leaves around like shoes… You know, I am going to say I do 99%. But I don’t have to work outside the home any more and I used to so for me this works out.
YES to this whole post. We have a system for dishes now, but man that “base layer of resentment” made me crack up.
My thing is being mindful about sanity around the toddler. I’d already been home with our sick son for 1.5 days Thursday and Friday and by Saturday afternoon I was ragged, so my husband took our son to the airport to look at planes “to give Mommy some rest time after yesterday.” So I took a nap. Sunday comes and he gets all bent out of shape that he won’t get a nap “but YOU got one yesterday!” So I got a 60 minute nap in return for spending 2 days straight with a sick toddler while SOMEONE played GOLF. And then I’m supposed to reciprocate the nap. Nope. I’m still married, but barely, I think.
Well, sorry for hijacking the comments like that. I feel a lot better now.
I’m with Erica. I’d rather do both the cooking and the cleaning than cook and give someone else half credit for doing a tenth of the work. It’s closely aligned with grilling, where the person who slaps the meat on the grill “cooked the meal,” even though someone else did the shopping, marinated the meat, made all the side dishes, cleaned up afterwards, AND had to praise someone else for the GREAT job of grilling. No thank you.
The GRILLING yes the grilling. We need to have little trophies pre-engraved for each grilling extravangza and then they need a nap. My eyes cannot roll any further to the back of my head.
I got my husband to show me how to use the grill the other day, just because it’s usually his thing since I’m too busy shopping and marinating, etc, like you said. I expressed surprise at how easy it was to do. He rolled his eyes and said HONEY. Why do you think guys do it? Otherwise they wouldn’t.
I can also relate a bit too much here – why is expecting that clean dishes will be CLEAN (i.e. no food or grease left on them) being picking and insisting that things be done “my way”? Clean is not a personal preference!
Absolutely! Crusty food remnants aren’t clean. I don’t care if you get rid of them by pricking each one off with a fork, or if you soak and wait, or if you have some crazy Rube Goldberg machine to take care of it all – do it your way! But if it isn’t actually done, then you’re not finished.
hahaha rube goldberg machine! love it!
Ugh. Outrage!
Oh , this resonates so much with me right now. I usually consider myself extremely lucky in the husband-chores category. But I’ve been the at home parent for a couple years now, so I’ve taken on the heavier chore load, which is a-ok. But now we are both home with the toddler who is potty training and the three week early newborn. And then my mom is here and my MIL was, and I love them all and probably couldn’t have managed without all of them. But still, helping in such a way that makes more work for me in the long run isn’t actually helping! And it doesnt require praise! grump grump. Anyway, I am cranky about it all, and am glad to have someone to commiserate with this morning.
I can sympathize although I don’t have this exact issue. I think my big area of “suckiness” is that constant need for praise you mentioned. I work full-time as does my DH. We both have to do a roughly equal amount chores to keep up with things. DH doesn’t praise me for what I do, but he is constantly expecting praise even though it’s basic stuff that needs to get done. I grew up with two working parents, and I never saw that from my dad. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the fact that DH had a stay-at-home mom and he was only expected to do the odd piece of “men’s” work (i.e., mow the lawn). … And then I read stuff like this, and I think it’s just men in general. :o)
Hahahaha oh god I was naively hoping that things would get BETTER with the dish washing / dinner cleaning situation over time, but from these comments it’s clear that we’re already at the apex of “helpfulness with the least amount of resentment,” which is… depressing.
What I don’t understand is why my husband seems to think “washing the dishes” mean THAT and ONLY that. Is it just me, or doesn’t “Washing the Dishes” include wiping the crumbs and crud off the counter, cleaning that whatever-got-splattered from the stove, wiping the table off, sweeping the floor, and rinsing out the sink when you’re done?
My imperfect solution lately has been, while loading the dishwasher, to hold each individual plate for the dog to lick (*ahem* pre-clean) (being green here), while nicely offering helpful hints and reminders.
I don’t think that’ll last long, though, and then I’ll have to go back to following around behind him when he’s not looking and re-doing the stuff he “helped” with.
SIGH
My husband also tends to interpret “Washing the Dishes” as that and only that, and not including wiping tables or counters or cleaning out the sink etc. It works out okay in our house, though, because he “washes the dishes” while I do all the counter-wiping and putting away of leftovers and clearing the table and cleaning the floor. Frankly I prefer the other tasks to the actual washing of dishes so this division of labor sits ok with me. But if I should have to leave the house right after dinner and not participate in the clean up, most likely it is only the “washing the dishes” that will get done and all the rest of it will still need doing.
This is why I vastly prefer the term ‘clean up after dinner.’ It’s not as daunting as ‘clean the kitchen’ (no one’s mopping or anything), but it does encompass a more global set of tasks. After all, the goal is to get the kitchen back to where it was this afternoon so that it’s ready to handle the next meal, not just deal with the dishes.
(My favorite literalist interpretation of ‘do the dishes’ involved someone in our home doing just the dishes – no pans, silverware, mugs or glasses. It definitely wasn’t my favorite in that moment, but it’s deeply amusing now.)
So. Many. Complaints. I cannot get started on this because my comment will turn into an epic rant about the fact that husband and I both work FT outside the home and yet I STILL do most of the work around the house. Instead I offer two stories. First, I’ve started telling my husband when he attempts to come in at the end of dinner prep and do one small thing or come in at the end of my doing the dishes, that I refuse to give him any credit for being the relief pitcher. Just no.
Second, awhile back I was explaining to my 3 YO daughter that when she grew up and had kids she would be a mommy. She paused for a moment and said “I don’t want to be a mommy, I want to be a daddy.” My thought: Me too. Smart girl.
I often tell people that in my next life I would like to be a husband.
I often tell people that in my next life, I would like to HAVE A WIFE.
Well, I have furloughed my husband (that is my cutesy, non pity-attracting way of telling people I am getting divorced), but that still had such a ring of truth for me! But mostly I just wanted to say that I love so much when you write stuff like this because it’s nice to know that I am not the only person who thinks this way!
Swistle, you are the voice of our generation. Really! Truly! Look how many of us are glad to find that we are not alone.
I often consider starting a secret twitter account for the express purpose of venting about the division of household labor. A cool thing about feminism is that I have a Ph.D. and a demanding job, and yet I still get to pick up dishes, food wrappers, and discarded socks from the TV-watching area each evening. Having It All!
“Base line of resentment” is such a perfect phrase. I keep coming back to it.
Our rule in the house, whoever doesn’t cook has to do the dishes. That simple. The cook can make things easier by cleaning as they go, or they can leave it-doesn’t matter. My husband actually is the cook more often than I am, so I do the clean up. We all do our own plates and utensils, but the other stuff gets done by the non-cook. We don’t have a dishwasher, and after reading these comments, I think that actually makes things easier-you just scrub everything and put it in the drainer. I HIGHLY recommend marrying someone who has lived on their own for a good stretch of time, and whose mother worked outside the home :) Can’t say enough for the self-sufficient husband!!
For several years, our mode with regard to dishes and dinner cooking was: Mike comes home, takes responsibility for the baby and/or older kid while I take some time to make dinner. By. My. Self. After dinner is done, we would clear the table and I would then do the dishes while Mike played with the kid(s). The kids are older now and are responsible for setting the table and clearing the majority of the non-breakable/non-hot stuff. I still do 99% of the cooking and 99.9% of the cleaning up.
Mostly because I know where everything goes (it does NOT count as put away if it is not where. it. belongs. That’s not “put away”, that’s “lost”.) and I can remember that the Pampered Chef sliding measuring spoons melt if put in the dishwasher and that I don’t like to put the nonstick pans or the sharp knives in the dishwasher.
All of that is normal and annoying and whatever.
WORSE than that was my stepmonster offering to do the dishes for me one night while she was visiting. The meal I made left a layer of sticky goo on a Calphalon non-stick pan. It looked like it was going to be hard to get off, but because Calphalon pans are awesome, it just takes a bit of elbow grease, soap and hot water. Or, in my stepmonster’s case, steel wool. So I had a lovely, clean pan nearly completely de-non-sticked. And I couldn’t yell because she was helping me! And if I stated a preference for her to not put something in the dishwasher, I was being “high maintenance” and “spoiled.” The next time she visited, she asked if she could do the dishes several times and I was all “Oh, no, it’s OK. I’ve got it.” grrrrrrrrr
“Showy Fuss” is so, so apt, I love it.
We have the one cooks, the other cleans rule, and while he doesn’t always do it on my schedule, he mostly does a good job of it. And he receives…let’s call it direction…well. Like, if I tell him “That doesn’t go in the dishwasher” he’ll try his best to remember that.
It only irritates me when he leaves stuff there longer than overnight. Then I get a little…peeved.
So with you. My situation is a little different, though. I live with my siblings. Two are on the autism spectrum and older than me, and their idea of clean is nowhere near any normal person’s idea of clean. This means that I’m forever having to go behind them, put things away, and clean up. However, I *do* tend to do the “showy fuss” because 1) they’re older than me 2) they have the ability to be more responsible than they’re being 3) they have to pay more attention to what they’re doing–it’s a life skill. This also means that after they do dishes (we have assigned chores on *purpose*) I have to go in, clean the food particles out of the sink, wash the residue out of the sink, and generally check to make sure they actually did what they were supposed to. This also means that I often end up redoing things that they either left undone or did a crappy job at. If my sister cooks, I have to go behind her, throw out any garbage, wipe up spills, and put away food. Even though wiping off the table, countertops, and stove is part of doing dishes, I usually end up going to do it because it will either be only partially done or not done at all if they did it!
Apparently you have hit a nerve with quite a few of us!
My issue is this, we both work outside of the home. But the majority of the inside chores (laundry, dusting, vacuuming, etc.) fall to me (whatever. I know I’d do a better job anyway). And if I get slack, he never complains….instead he’ll say, “If you want me to do something to help you out, all you have to do is ask.” WHAT?! I want to scream, “You live here too! If you SEE something needs doing then, dammit!, DO it! Don’t wait for me to ask.” Because believe me, nine times out of ten, I won’t complain.
Base layer of resentment…most perfect line EVER.
What if you said ‘Hey, thanks for finishing up the dishes – that’s really nice’ or ‘Thanks for helping me finish up’ or something like that…? That way you are thanking him (sincerely) and he sees that he is just helping at the end while you did most of the work.
I like your blog – the thought provoking social situations are interesting. Thanks :)
I feel your pain. Our system for the moment is that the 2 oldest children are more than capable of doing dishes so they alternate weeks. The week starts on Sunday and goes through Saturday. I hold them accountable most days even if they are not present at dinner time. Do all husbands expect a “pat on the back” for doing a little of work. I thought it was only mine. And he has made me feel that I am unappreciative if I don’t thank him profusely whereas, no one thanks me for cooking, shopping, cleaning bathroooms, laundry, etc…..
This is one of my favorite things you’ve ever written, and really hits home tonight. I came home (from working all day) and started cooking. I cleaned as I went, ran the dishwasher because no one had bothered to do it, and etc. Husband came home midway through the process, climbed into bed to watch TV, and fell asleep. He came out to eat dinner when it was ready, then said to leave the dishes, he’d do them later, and went back to sleep. After nearly 25 years, I can tell you that at 9 I will go into the kitchen and they will still be there. And I will perhaps start putting them into the dishwasher slightly more loudly than necessary, because I won’t have time to do them in the morning, and I freaking hate coming home from work to a sink full of dishes. And when there is one dish left not in the dishwasher, he will come staggering down the hall, all, “I SAID I would do the dishes.” And he’ll take the one dish and put it in the dishwasher and go back to bed. And then he’ll wonder why I’m irritated, because he’s helping me.
Also, I love base layer of resentment. Love.
Hmmm. I feel your pain. I leave what looks like a crime scene when I cook and for that reason we have a “whoever cooks, cleans” rule. However, don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean there are never moments of showy fuss or a base layer of resentment!
DH calls me a slob, which is apt and fair, because e.g. I do not mind that there are large clumps of dog hair on the floor, I really don’t. But when I broke my arm really badly and was useless for some time, I realized that he is ALSO a slob. I care that the surfaces (etc.) on which food is prepared are clean. He cares that the floor is clean. We do not eat off the floor. I’m just sayin’.
Oh my GOD I am so sick of asking for help. Anytime I do I have to endure a retelling of all that he’s done. I’m also currently dealing with smug undertones of superior parenting at the moment.
This is SO my life. My husband does dishes. And then he claims he “cleans the kitchen.” Hopefully the jury will be made up of ACTUAL peers, because there’s no way they’d convict me.
My husband likes to announce his plans to do the dishes, shooing me out of the kitchen, then put off actually working on them until it is really late at night and I am in bed trying to fall asleep. Then he bangs around in the kitchen and intermittently runs the sink, which I can hear from the bedroom (it is only one room away), irritating and sometimes keeping me up. In the morning, I can count on him loudly saying ” I was working on these dishes forever last night!”, waiting for me to admire his work and praise him, as I walk into to the kitchen and find about 20% of the easiest to clean dishes (plates, saucers, water glasses)are washed, the sink is stacked full of crusted, unsoaked pots and pans, there are no clean silver wear and the countertops and stove are filthy.
Oh, man, this sort of stuff is so frustrating. My beef with kitchen-y things related to dishwashing is this: Leo will load/unload the dishwasher, but he’s constantly putting things on top of other things. He didn’t have a dishwasher when he was growing up, but we’ve had one now for 9 years so I figure that he ought to have learned by now that water is sprayed out of that swingy rotor thing. If you have something blocking the spray, then the item doesn’t get clean. But he’ll just put it away anyone, crusted on crud and everything.
The other main beef I have is that if he’s going to clean up after dinner, he clears the dishes, puts away the food, does the dishes (maybe. Unlikely most of the time) but doesn’t wipe the sink, table, stove or countertops. If I come home late, he sometimes has set the table for dinner ON TOP OF THE MESS of last night’s dinner. And then he gets huffy if I remove all the table settings to wipe the table off. ARGH. He’ll also happily cook on top of last night’s mess on the countertops. Sometimes I think it’s a miracle we haven’t died of some dread disease.
At least he doesn’t expect praise for doing these things. That would send me right over the edge.
I could have written this post. In fact – my son recently had work come home from Kindergarten in which he wrote, “My mom can cook. My dad does the dishes” (obviously in kindergarten spelling which is ADORABLE). That is how it is in our house EVERY. NIGHT. I do enjoy cooking so it’s not that much of an issue but I often clean as I cook so really, where is the larger burden of work? Other annoyance? When the clean dishes are left out on the counter because someone, “Doesn’t know where they go”. Really? Because we have only lived in our house for 9 YEARS! How hard is it to learn? UGH.
This kind of thing is so annoying – yet, I have learned to LET IT GO.
During my first marriage – this stuff happened…and I hung onto it. I kept it, tucked it away. I believe doing this contributed to my divorce, bc I had major resentment built up over years of dumb stuff.
Now, during my 2nd marriage – I let this stuff GO. It’s still annoying…but I don’t hold onto it.
Carrying resentment is a lot of work, I feel so much better now.
men and dishes – YES! to the whole post, including the cool phrases already adored in the comments. Those “caution: men cooking” yellow signs ought to read “caution: men (thinking they are) doing dishes”
A Gender Dishing Haiku
your loud showy fuss!
my base line of resentment
dirty dish still waits
Kristi, your haiku is brilliant. Love it!
Ugh… just… ugh!