It was only very, very recently (this school year) that I figured out what to do if I was in a group of people standing around (like, at preschool pick-up), and I was talking with one person in the group, and another person came and stood nearby and seemed to want to join the conversation but seemed tentative about it, like they were afraid they’d be butting in. (Answer: Turn to the new person, say, “We were just talking about [how different the bus system was when we were in school / the big storm expected Friday / the stupid parking situation],” and then start looking back and forth between the two faces while talking.)
When I figured that out, I felt like it was something a lot of people would have already known in an “I just knew; I had no idea it was something anyone needed to be taught” level. But I also didn’t learn until high school that if someone says, “How are you?” you’re supposed to say, “Fine! How are you?” A date taught me, after his dad asked me how I was and I stood there grinning in a friendly but mute way. My date said laughingly, “…You can TELL him!” I was mortified for years, but now look at it as an illustration of how socially comfortable my date was: that he not only didn’t stand there sharing in the awkwardness but also he took swift, friendly, laid-back action to fix it. And I’m sure the date’s dad didn’t care, any more than I would if it were one of my kids’ friends, so I’ve stopped feeling that sink-into-the-floor feeling over it. (It’s nice to know that feeling can fade after…a couple of decades.)
Where was I? Oh, yes. So, there are a lot of social things I encounter where I wonder if this is another of those things where most people know already how to deal with it and I need to find out what it is, or if it’s something most other people struggle with too. Like, I know from reading blogs that MOST people struggle with how to “ask out” a new friend candidate, so I wouldn’t feel strange about struggling with that too. Today’s issue is one I’ve seen mentioned enough to know I’m not one of a tiny minority or anything—but I also think that getting a lot of different responses would be very helpful to show me the range of what society considers normal behavior.
So here it is: If I’m going for coffee for the first time with a new friend candidate, and it’s at the kind of place where a waiter comes to the table, what do we do about the bill? Does one person say “separate checks, please,” or no? Do people share a single check, then glance at the bill after, round up their own share to the nearest dollar, and leave the change on top of the tip? Do people just split it down the middle, even if they ordered different things (surely not, and yet I’ve heard it complained about)? What about leaving the tip: do people discuss how much it should be and each put down half, or does each person just put down their own little stack without consulting the other? If one person puts down a lot more tip than the second person was planning to, doesn’t that make the second person feel pressured?
This is for the FIRST TIME, at a waitered-table restaurant, with someone new, where you don’t yet know how they’d prefer to handle it: how do YOU handle the situation?
I think this might be a cultural/regional/class thing. So, in white lower middle class Texas suburbia, we ask for separate checks. If the friendship progresses sometimes we start taking turns getting the bill.
I agree with Rachel that it might depend on culture/economic class/etc, but I think I would ask for separate checks and everyone leave whatever tip they want (basically once the tab comes and until you pay people here mostly act like you aren’t even out together; everyone just does their thing). But I’m from “friendly but mind your own business” MN, so maybe other places they’d discuss it?
I think I would assume that we wait for the check to come and then each take a look, calculate your own portion with tax and tip and then put in cash. Unless you want to use a card, then you can ask the server to put a certain amount on your card/balance in cash or other person’s card. I don’t think I would ask for separate checks up front (but not be offended if the other person did) because if it’s only two people and it’s coffee/lunch/something uncomplicated then I would just make sure I had cash on hand to split.
Is this regional? I didn’t think of that. I go out often with regular friends, and also with co-workers. We always get one bill and split it evenly, including tip. So when the bill comes, and it’s, say, $15.88, we’d each put down $10 and call it even. This is even if someone had a slightly more expensive sandwich, or a more expensive coffee. It seems like $10 is a reasonable amount to spend on lunch, and it saves figuring out if someone owes an extra .80 or something. I can see how that wouldn’t work if it was an expensive dinner, or if someone only had a drink and no food, but it works well for lunch or coffee.
Since it’s coffee and not a bar, the difference in your bill and hers will probably be <$5. I'd offer to pay and have her get the next one. That says you want to be friends and see her again. Alternatively, if my order were less (I'd be aware of this, I feel like you would be too), I'd offer to just split it because it's easier. Or if mine were more, I'd make sure to put in more than half pointing out that my was more expensive. If you really want to go overboard, make sure to have small bills on you. If you’re lucky, the waitress will ask if you want separate checks :) Have a great time!
I am changing my mind to think that this is more a “do you carry cash” question than a regional/class one as I see answers coming in. I never have cash on me, and in my experience most restaurants/places can put a set amount on a card, but some can’t, and I would feel all kinds of awkward having to discuss it (and figure out the math in my head to include tip, etc) in front of a new person. But maybe that’s just me.
I do like the idea of offering to pick up the tab, if you can afford it, although then would the other person feel like they “owe” you? What if they don’t want to get together again, or they won’t be able to guarantee that they can afford to pick up the tab next time for both, and that awkwardness means they don’t call? What if I’m totally overthinking this (likely)?
In my experience if a waiter gets the feeling that you aren’t a family unit they ask if you want one check – that would be when I would say two please. In a first time out with a new friend situation, I would feel awkward if the other person paid for mine. It would just nag at me later that I have a tick in the “must reciprocate” column. Plus I never carry cash so it’s never as easy as saying “oh my share is $10.00 here it is” there would need to be check manipulation either way.
When you graduate to getting to know each other better and socialize more frequently then I’m totally okay with paying for someone else’s whatever knowing that we’ll see each other soon and they’ll likely get mine. That’s comfortable for me enough that I wouldn’t even keep track of whose turn it is or worry about it in the least.
We have a few different family friends that we go out to eat with at the local pizza place fairly often. If they have two kids and two adults and we have two kids and two adults and there was pizza passed around and everyone got a drink but maybe one person got a soda but another got a beer…we just tell the waitress to split it down the middle and we’re all comfy with that. Sometimes someone will say “Oh no I got something much more expensive, let’s break it down” but that’s all okay because we’re all friends.
Most restaurants have the ability to break a check in any combo you want these days.
Normally, we go the separate check route. It just seems less awkward – particularly for me since my math skills are sorely lacking and I’d rather not put them on display with a new person.
If it were just coffee, then I’d assume the bill would be less than $10 so I would first offer to cover and if friend resisted, I’d probably throw about half down, plus tip and expect new friend to do the same. If new friend was someone who doesn’t carry cash, I’d just pay the whole bill. I wouldn’t even say, “You get it next time” in case she didn’t want a next time! Paying the coffee bill isn’t a big deal and its a nice gesture to pay for someone else. Once the expectation of reciprocation is there, I don’t think its a generous gesture anymore.
In the case of bill splitting with friends, I never check what the other person has left for tip. I put in what I think I owe for my dinner/coffee/drink/whatever plus what I think the server deserves for tip and expect friend to do the same. I do have one former friend who used to always take everyone’s cash at a big dinner then pay with her credit card. Then she’d leave a lousy tip, meaning she’d often make out in the deal. Note, I said former friend. The rest of us quickly figured out that bill splitting is essential. But that’s an exceptional case, I think.
Almost all restaurants I’ve been to lately with friends have asked before we even order whether it will be “together or separate?” So I guess I’m unhelpful, since this doesn’t really come up.
I think if it was the first time out with a friend, I’d probably just ask them what they want to do, but maybe address the weirdness. Just, “Do you just want to split it down the middle? Handling these things can just be so awkward!” And then hopefully you’d share a chuckle over the awkwardness. This is, of course, as long as you’re both ordering similarly priced items.
If the waiter asks about separate checks, I definitely say yes, and I also don’t mind if the other person asks for them up front (I never do, but usually due to a combination of shyness and not thinking about it.)
I’ve noticed a socioeconomic difference: Among my social circle, where we’re all in grad school or working low-paying jobs, and we ALWAYS split the bill based on what each person ordered. When we go out with my husband’s friends from high school (a private school), they’re more likely to just split the bill evenly. I’d say, unless you know, always split it by what you ordered… it sucks to forego that scone I really wanted because I need the $2 for something else, only to be asked to pay for half of the other person’s mini-quiche.
That said, if the other person offers to split it evenly and you don’t mind, I’d say go for it.
Handling the check when it comes always makes me nervous. I wait until either a) we’re both done eating/drinking, or b) the other person starts looking at it. If they start looking at it first, I lean over the table slightly and look interested, to make it clear I’m planning to pay my portion and will probably need my turn to look at the check when they’re done. The easiest way I’ve found to start the discussion is by saying what method of payment I’m going to use: “I have cash, so…” or “I only have a card, so…” If one of us has a card and one of us has cash, I usually have the person with cash give it to the card-holder, and then the card-holder puts the whole amount on their bill.
Tax and tip: restaurant tax varies a lot from state to state, so different ways of calculating tax make sense in different places. If our orders are reasonably close in amount I just add half the total tax amount to mine. I do calculate tip individually, and try to pretend neither of us can see what the other is putting down. I have Opinions on how servers should be tipped, but I don’t want to insinuate that into a new friendship. If one of us is giving the other cash and putting the whole bill on the other’s card, either the cash-person leaves their tip on the table or gives it to the card-person and the card-person adds it to their total card tip. If I’m the cash-person, I’m very explicit about this: “Here’s $8, that should cover my bill, and here’s $2 to add to your tip.”
I can only think of one time in recent memory that I was with a group that got separate checks, and that was only because we were multiple moms with a bunch of kids and some people had to leave earlier than others.
For a coffee new-friend-date, typically I or the other person offers to pick up the tab and then we switch the next time (whoever offers first pays; the other person says, “Are you sure?” and then says, “Thanks, I’ll get it next time!” and leaves it at that — it’s the worst when someone protests up and down about being treated).
If that doesn’t happen, usually unless one person orders, like, one of everything on the menu, and the other has one cup of coffee, we split it down the middle, including the tip. Usually this results in each of us putting down a $10 or $20 and asking the waiter for change, and the waiter brings a lot of singles so we can divvy up the change and figure out the tip at the same time. Sometimes there is a quick discussion of tip like, “I was thinking $5, is that fair?”
When I go out to dinner with a group or with sets of couples, usually each person/couple pays an equal share of the bill even if someone ordered/drank more than others — it’s just so much easier. But I do have one group of friends in which we split it up based on what we each ordered, and that’s fine too, but it helps to have (a) a calculator and (b) someone who’s good at math, since invariably some people use cards and some pay cash so you have to figure out who gets what.
If the waiter asks, which he should, I would volunteer separate checks. your new friend may decide to have a steak sandwich and cheesecake and it’s bad form for that person to expect a new aquaintance to pick up half of that tab.
Speaking of social manners, if I happen to run into someone I haven’t seen in YEARS, I make sure to always re-introduce myself, “Hey, Mary! It’s me, Yo-yo! I’m SP’s wife. How have you been?!” because there’s nothing more annoying when someone does that to me and after they leave, my husband leans over and asks why I either didn’t introduce him and then admitting I had no idea who they are!
I would expect the server to ask at some point and at that point I would think with a new friend both parties would feel more comfortable paying for their part. I never carry cash so I wouldn’t be able to just pay for my part without having to fumble around with the card and how much should go on the card, etc. So separate is simply much easier and then no one would feel as though they owed anyone at the end of things. I would feel HIGHLY uncomfortable if the other person tried to pick up the tab all together.
I HATE the “let’s just split it down the middle” thing (anyone ever see Friends, ever?!). It’s just when you are broke and trying to spend as little as possible and you order what you know you can cover – the idea that suddenly instead you are splitting the check and paying more, well – when you’re broke: this matters. Don’t do it.
Also – I find it incredibly off-putting for someone to pick up the tab for me. Unless it was a “let me buy you lunch!” invitation, paying for mine makes me feel weird and obligated. Plus (remember: poor) I may not can reciprocate which means I will likely be busy every time this person asks me again because I will feel the need to pay for both of us to make it even and maybe I just can’t swing it.
I can’t imagine a place that can’t split the bill – I go out with my extended family frequently and we all only pay for ourselves/our kids and it’s never a problem. Also pay our own tip based on what our part of the bill was.
I have been out with people who say things like, “I’ll buy lunch, you get the tip” which is kind of ok, but obviously the person paying the tip is getting off cheap, but it’s less awkward than standing there like a little kid while someone else pays for you.
I sound cranky – and I’m not. But none of that split the check evenly thing. Maybe it’s because I’m an accountant…but that’s just lazy and crazy making.
k
When out with friends old or new, I just wait for them to answer if the server asks about separate checks. If the server just brings one check, I just follow the lead of my ‘date’. I try to make sure I have lots of cash and small bills so I don’t have to require change or a card to be run. I give this kind of stuff thought too, and try to eliminate all opportunities for awkwardness.
I’m with Lucidkim on this one–I HATE splitting the check evenly. I feel frugal (and virtuous) when I refrain from adding a drink to my meal, and completely lose that warm glow when I pay for half of my friend’s iced tea. I have no problem asking for separate checks, or asking the cashier to split the check out. Of course, if I invite someone out and it’s for a definite purpose (“Let’s celebrate your new job!” “I want to pick your brain…”) then it all goes on my tab.
Oooh. The worst incident I can recall that relates to this is going out with a group of coworkers and getting just one bill. We all looked at it, got out the cash to cover our own meal plus tip, and then one guy collected all the cash (INCLUDING the tips), put it on his credit card, and left a crummy tip. We didn’t mean to tip that cheapskate!
My mom’s rule has always been: If you’re over thirty, you’re not allowed to ask your friends to help you move, nor to adjust your portion of the bill depending on your personal order. HOWEVER, I do understand that this is a demographic-dependent “rule.”
With a first-time friend date, I often will pick up the (coffee/baked goods) tab because I can afford it and it’s a sign of “we’re becoming friends/you’ll get it next time.” If it’s an actual meal, though, I’d assume we were splitting it. One check, split down the middle.
And when I’m out to dinner with friends who have more money than I do (which is rather often), I steel myself beforehand to pay my share and not mentally itemize my actual bill (or how many glasses of wine everyone is adding to the joint tab).
I think for a FIRST coffee date situation, separate bills is what I’d prefer. So when the waiter/waitress asks, which they should, I’d say breezily, “Two checks, please.” Probably she will be relieved to have the question answered, or she may jump in to say it, too. If the subject doesn’t come up until the end, when a waiter simply drops a single check on the table, this is trickier. If he/she doesn’t immediately disappear, I might just say, “Oh, could we have this split, please?” Or depending on how warm and fuzzy I was feeling by the end of the convo, I might say, “Oh, they didn’t split it- may I get this one?”
Now. IF she jumps in, in either the beginning or the end of the meal scenario, “Oh, no, let me get it!” I’d go the whole protest-once-just-to-be-polite thing, kind of a “Oh, you don’t have to do that!” And then she’ll say, “Oh no, I want to!” And then you can smile and say, “Well thank you- next one’s on me!” Then let it go. I think an above commenter mentioned this, and I totally agree: it is the WORST when someone digs in their heels and refuses to be treated and makes a big thing of it.
For me, a lot depends on context. If it’s a fairly low-cost outing (coffee and a scone, for example) I tend to offer to split down the middle if I ordered the less-expensive thing, or to cover it if I ordered the more-expensive thing. (I never suggest going halvsies if I’m the one whose stuff was more pricey, if that makes any sense, though if the OTHER person offers, I’ll say thank you and accept.)
For a costlier outing (dinner out) if the waitperson offers separate checks I’ll take it, but many places seem to not like doing that so I usually follow the same “let’s split it” rule if its close and I’m the lesser-cost person, throw in my portion plus tax/tip if I’m the higher-cost person.
If it’s close friends or people I know we’ll see again, we’ll just throw in two credit cards and have them divide down the middle, figuring it’ll all even out eventually.
I agree with lucidkim. I’ve been pretty broke, but went out with a bunch of friends from an old job because I really wanted to see them. I ordered something small that I knew I could cover, and the next thing I knew, I was paying for their cocktails and sea food. It was infuriating and cut into the (small) budget for my (young) family. I’d gone out with them before and we’d never done the bill that way, so it was completely unexpected.
If I was on a first friend date, I’d put down cash + tip for my part of the bill and not ask about it. I guess I feel like paying for one’s own part is an important value to me, especially because money is still pretty tight for us. I guess I’d rather start things off in the way that I’d want to continue it.
I always pay the bill the first time. With my current new friend, she and I have traded off, so I got the first one, she got the next one, etc. With my long time girlfriends, we split the check even. Unless we are at our normal Mexican restaurant and they give us separate checks because they know us. I live in Seattle and most people I know work this way, although when we meet for coffee we have 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 coffee houses to meet at where you order and pay at the register.
So I guess my advice would be, if you can afford it, pay the first bill.
Mom from Seattle
For a friend candidate, I would ask for separate checks simply because we don’t know each other well. I am very sensitive to feeling like I “owe” someone. Also, my memory is so bad that I’m afraid of forgetting that I owe someone, which is currently the case with at least one of my friends. We somehow fell off our taking turns schedule and I hate it!
With my established group of friends, we usually get separate tabs. Every now and then we get one and pay our own portion, unless there’s a special occasion or a reason one wants to pick up the tab.
Wow. Separate check would never occur to me. I’d split it down the middle and each tip on that amount. Doesn’t matter if tip is equal. Or I’d just pick it up if its small and say “you get next coffee”.
Maybe it IS regional, because I’ve never actually had anyone suggest we split a check. It’s always separate checks – mainly for the credit card reason, I think (no one has cash), but also because that’s just…what we do.
The only times I’ve split a check is when we ASK for separate checks and the restaurant says they won’t do it. Then it turns into an awkward “well, do YOU have cash?” situation.
Personally I don’t love the “Let me get this one you get the next one” thing because I think it sets a precedent for a whole friendship and that can make things awkward in the future. Like what if sometimes you get coffee and sometimes you go to Panera and sometimes you go to a really nice restaurant? The back and forth wouldn’t really be equal then and it would be hard to know when you do something more expensive if this is included in the “you then me then you then me” paying scenario or if this is an exception. I think it just makes things a little awkward.
I just ask for two checks and don’t worry about it. When I am out with a female friend the waiter/waitress ALWAYS asks if we want two checks or just brings them automatically. Because I think splitting the checks with female friends is the norm. To me it is slightly more awkward when I go out with male friends because I’m wearing a wedding set and I tend to think that the server just assumes that whoever I’m with is my husband when it may not be— but then they don’t ask about splitting the check. In that circumstance I wait until the bill comes and grab my credit card and put it down on top of the male’s credit card on the check. When the server comes I just say breezily– “the silver card is mine– thanks!” and they always understand that they are to put my charges on mine and his charges on his. (Although honestly when I go out with male friends probably 2/3 of the time they insist on paying anyways and that is fine).
As for splitting things evenly, it has never really come up.
This is a super interesting topic! It would be cool to make a regional/socio-economic map of this question! For me, if I’m with acquaintances or friends at/from home (Northwestern US) or Americans in general, we always get separate checks or pay our own part of the bill without being embarrassed to split by what we individually owe. Then everyone adds the tip they want to add. If I’m with close friends we probably take turns if one of us is low on cash. But with British people I am always stuck not being quick enough to pay. They buy drinks for acquaintances that you are supposed to pay back, and you are supposed to try to grab the chance to buy for everybody first. I don’t have the rhythm for it! If there is a big group, they split evenly, which I hate because someone is always trying to save money and ordered the $4 thing but gets stuck with a huge bill. I wonder if the eastern U.S. is more like that than the western U.S., or maybe it is just tied to socio-economic status, like others have said, with it being silly to nitpick if you can afford to split evenly. I think it is normal that if someone has to be really aware of money, then they will want to pay for what they ordered whether they choose to spend more or less than the group.
Emily
I usually don’t have cash, so I’d split the check and have the server put a set amount on my card. Then we’d talk about how much for tip and divide that. If someone got a dish or an extra that was significantly more than the other person, I would assume they’d pay more or leave the whole tip. Sometimes with closer friends we alternate who picks up the tab but usually just order a coffee or maybe a pastry too.
I would just say to my new friend candidate, “wanna get separate checks? I don’t have any cash.”
I also often don’t have cash so I ask the server for separate checks, but I seem to be the one to ALWAYS do that, so maybe it is rude?
I tip individually and privately whether we split the check or not.
What about when you go out and split an appetizer? WHAT THEN???
Reading the comments, the one thing that strikes me is: how is it easier to split the check than to each pay separate checks?
Splitting it evenly still involves discussions of how much tip to leave, or how much cash is considered ‘half’ (aka, if half is $8, is it cheapskate to give a five and three ones? Are you supposed to breezily throw down a ten? If you only have a ten, is the other person supposed to come up with two ones and offer them to you?)
It’s not that, coffee date wise, I would MIND splitting it evenly or even paying for the whole thing. It’s just that I find that MORE awkward. You have to figure out how many ‘oh you don’t have to’s you have to deflect when offering to pay, or figure out who’s turn it is to pay if you’re switching, or try to graciously accept being treated when you don’t actually want to be (especially because it then makes me live in fear of what the NEXT bill will be – the one I’ll be expected to pay. Even if I can afford it no matter what.)
I just like that with separate checks, the only potentially awkward part is asking the waiter for two. No money discussions involved. If you’re both paying with credit cards (or even cash when you’re not sure what the other person’s bill was) you don’t even have to silently judge/pressure each other with tip amounts.
My friends and I get separate checks and I’ve never thought twice about it. In fact, nearly every time the waiter/waitress asks first.
I’d be much more likely to get one check and work it out between the two of us if it were someone I knew well. First outing? Definitely separate checks. Then you don’t have to worry about any weirdness, how someone wants to split it, whether they have cash…
Splitting one check has always been by what we’ve specifically ordered, not evenly unless it was very close in cost anyway. It just seemed like that was the obvious way to do it? There have never been any arguments about it between people at the table so it must be a given around here. (Suburbs of Indianapolis.)
I never ask for separate checks. If it just happens that way, fine, but I don’t generally ask especially if it’s for just two people.
On a first coffee date, I would probably pick up the tab, saying “You can get it next time!” Generally though I would just take a peek at the bill and put down what I thought I owed, including tax and tip. I err on the side of overpaying a bit, or overtipping a bit.
Wait for the bill then each tabulate the separate totals/tips without discussing. UNLESS the waiter asks if you’d like separate checks. Then I usually say, “Sure! If it’s not too much trouble.”
I honestly never thought this through, I just go with the flow. For a meal, separate would be easier. I’ve noticed some people are picky about it and some are willing to just throw down a round-up of what they think they owe, and have had many an amusing discussion of splitting. Now for a coffee date if the total bill was under $15 I’d pay it or split it and I would expect no reciprocation and wouldn’t want my friend to feel bad and I’m a little irritated that people would resent me for that. I also confess I’m impatient with people who “never carry cash” you should do another post on that haha. I personally think it’s a teeny bit ridiculous to pay for your latte with a credit card. Don’t hate me, I don’t mean to be critical, just my take on things. Cash is so much more easygoing and flexible, and some people who say “I never carry cash” rub me the wrong way, like they think they are superior for it.
I worked in the service industry for years so I tend to want to make things easier for the server so for the most part I tend to do the one check deal and then trade back and forth on who pays.
In my experience, I don’t think it’s a regional thing so much as a sex thing. Women always want separate checks. In the six years I spent in that industry, I can’t think of one time that men split a tab.
If it’s a large group of people, I’d just be upfront about everything being separate before you order because it can be time consuming and confusing to figure out who had what by the end of the meal.
Interesting discussion!
I’m in favor of separate checks. I live in Florida, and this is semi-common, but more when I’m out with friends originally from the midwest or west coast. People from the South + the east coast tend to split the bill and have more of the British approach that Emily mentioned.
If it’s all on 1 bill, and I get the vibe that their budget is tighter than mine, then I tend to split based on what we ordered, and we each tip on our portion. I don’t often have cash, but haven’t run into problems asking a server to put $X on my card. (I’ll figure out my portion, then round up to the nearest $.50)
Even if their thing is more expensive, I don’t suggest that we split it evenly, since I don’t want to create an expectation that we’ll do that going forward. (The stress of going out to eat and not knowing how much you’ll owe at the end of the night because you can’t control what your friends order is a particularly insidious kind of stress.)
When i go out with people, we nearly always get separate checks. Half of the time, the waitress just assumes it, and the rest of the time one of us will just say, “Oh, yeah. Separate, please!”
The only exceptions are when we go out for birthdays or to celebrate something special – then the celebrated person doesn’t pay. :)
First time out if the waiter did not ask I would just gt one check and pay or offer to pay and say the next one is on you to my new friend. That sets the stage and then someone always gets treated when you’re out. I also like to do the. . .I’ll get the bill if you get the tip. This give the person an opportunity to give the waiter/waitress a nicer tip than if you were tipping separately yet not feel like they’ve just spent too much on lunch/coffee.
DB
I don’t carry cash, so I always ask for separate checks as soon as the waiter arrives. I am very uncomfortable having someone else pick up the tab, so would not pick up the tab either in case the other person feels the same way. I’ve only been in a situation where they wanted to split it evenly once and it was a nightmare. I’d joined for dessert and several of them had wine, apps, full dinner and dessert. So suddenly I’ supposed to be paying $25 for my $5 cake? I don’t think so.
I try to carry cash for such occasions so I can put down my half. If the other person doesn’t have cash, sometimes they’ll take my cash and pay the whole check themselves. But for two people, I’m never usually shy about asking for separate checks (although some people might argue that the earlier you ask the better, even when you’re ordering). I assume that people will tip appropriately, although I have one friend who doesn’t (a mental math problem, is the theory) who needs to be reminded to put more down. I don’t think you should interfere with another person’s tip if it’s separate checks, nor do I think you should comment on the tip if you are not paying the bill.
For me, it comes down to carrying the appropriate amount of cash in the right denominations (although you can always ask them to break a bill). My nightmare is people suggesting the bill be split evenly even in the face of uneven ordering (this is a problem in larger groups), at which point I can just say “here’s my share, figure out the rest”.
Hmm. I’m in the American South and, on the rare occasions when I have lunch with a “new” friend, the server has always either asked if we wanted separate checks or just done it automatically.
Coffee dates (more likely for me with someone I don’t know well yet) have always been at the sort of place where you walk up to a counter and place your order, so the separate check thing just kind of happens. (I order and pay, she orders and pays, we wait together for our drinks, then go sit together.)
Most of my lunch “dates” fall into two categories. Category 1 — out with a friend I’ve known forever. One of us pays for it all, not necessarily “taking turns” but figuring it all comes out even over the 30+ years we’ve known each other. Category 2 — out with people I’ve known a shorter amount of time, who generally have more disposable income than I do, a fact of which we are all aware. We get separate checks; that way they don’t worry about ordering what they want and I don’t worry about ordering more than I can afford.
I think your social skills learning realization is interesting. My theory is that it’s sort-of hereditary learned behavior. People who grew up in families where the adults were good at that sort of thing had the chance to watch it done and absorbed it. (The same way children absorb how to treat a server by watching their parents do it.)
I hate stressing about the check. It can ruin a good time. I would plan to bring enough cash to cover the whole thing, assuming less than $10-ish, and also probably plan to make change. Like I’d have a five and five ones. And I’d just put in my half when the bill came. I would assume the other person would do the same. If this was at starbucks or whatever, you’d both just order and pay for your own coffee. I don’t think this is any different. Don’t make it more fraught than it has to be.
I’ve enjoyed reading through all these comments and seeing the different way people handle this situation! I don’t think there’s any way that’s completely NON-awkward, but for me the least awkward way of handling it is to ask the waiter for separate checks as I place my order. There’s no fumbling over “I’ll pay!” “No, let me!”, there’s no math at the end of the meal, there’s no negotiating over the tip–all of that is a lot more cringy for me than to just get it done upfront.
And I agree with the commenter who said she’s like to see a map of answers by region! For the record, I live in the South.
This is definitely regional and class-based. I’d try to poll people in your area.
I’m a little surprised that this comment thread doesn’t have many contributions from servers and former servers.
Also, I am a big fan of the “we were just talking about” gambit. I use it a lot, especially if I want to continue the topic at hand. If I don’t want to continue on that topic, I wrap up as quickly as I can and turn to half-face the new arrival and greet them, even if it feels a little abrupt.
I would ask for separate checks. In my experience, people always *think* they are covering their share, but then we go to add up the total and it’s almost always short. Someone didn’t add tax, or someone forgot to tip, or whatever it is. And I also am one who gets a bad feeling having to pick up someone else’s part of the check when they say “oh here’s my half!” but I know what I ordered was less than theirs.
With my friends first time out is always separate checks. After that depending on the friendship we continue with separate checks, or take turns picking up the tab. And I *never* have cash.
I haven’t read the comments but here’s what I do.
Assuming that:
1. the “date” is going well and you enjoy her company and
2. the total bill for coffee isn’t too much (say less than $15) and
3. you ordered sort of the same value of food (ie she didn’t get a Denver Omelette and mocha to your small, black coffee)
Given the above, I would take the bill and offer to pay for the food. (If one of the above is not true, i’d jump down to (c) below.)
Once I offer to pay,
a) I would assume she would protest this generous offer. If she didn’t protest at least a little I’d find it odd.
b) Assuming she protests I would say, “I’ve got it this time but I hope we’ll have coffee again soon and you can pick up the tab next time.” If she said okay I’d follow through and let her pay next time (if she didn’t offer next time I would find that odd)
c) If she really protests I would assume she is someone who hates having any debt (even perceived) hanging over her and I’d say, “no problem let’s just split it” and then would put in the cash for my food plus some for tax tip (no consultation on that) and hand it to her to add her money.
I think you should go into it with:
1. cash including small bills to make it graceful to pay/contribute to the payment
2. a willingness/ability to host and a willingness to not be bitter if she doesn’t protest/offer for next time and just lets you pick up the tab
Have fun!
I would ask the waiter for separate tickets at the beginning. (I learned from a blog that waiters tend to hate having to separate them later rather than just starting separate tickets right away) If my companion(s) want to just do one and divvy things up at the end, they can say so at that point, but I think it’s just less awkward to not have one’s bill calculated for the whole table to hear and possibly speculate – “Oh, she had the cheapest items on the menu. I wonder if she’s struggling financially.” or “Wow, so she’s the kind that thinks nothing of having a $25 lunch and tip 25%…” or “Wait, didn’t her bill come out to $15? Does she really think a $1 is adequate? Dang. Now I feel like I need to leave extra.”
My response to this is definitely dependent on my current economic status and has evolved over the years.
Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money and when I was a student I was always strapped for cash so I got separate checks and just splitting one check equally ALWAYS upset me because I always ordered frugally.
Then when I got a job and made regular money, I’d usually look at the bill and split based on what was bought.
Now that I make a better salary and am more financially comfortable, I almost always do the one bill, split it equally thing. I am at a place financially where I can feel comfortable with the thought that sometimes I order less, sometimes the other person orders less but it usually comes out even in the long run.
It has taken me over 20 years to reach this point comfortably, however, and I have no doubt that I’d revert to one of the other approaches if my finances drastically changed.
If the waiter automatically brings one bill, and it is just coffee I would offer to pay for sure. It’s a nice gesture and implies you want to see the person again. Things like that always come out in the wash, and I would rather treat a new friend then fumble over separate bills.
I don’t think this sets a weird precedent for the friendship. I think if it starts a tradition of treating each other for coffee then it’s great! It’s likely that once your relationship evolves to full meals, you will be comfortable enough to either laugh about splitting the bill and change things up, or trust each other enough that even the price of a full meal will be reciprocated one day.
Discuss this before you go into the restaurant, not after the meal. E.g., “Let’s go Dutch” (is that politically correct to say nowadays?). And take cash with you, including some change for a tip. Only pick up the tab if it is a special occasion, like her birthday. Otherwise, if you pay for the meal once, and she does next, after a while it gives you a headache trying to remember whose turn it is.
I just was in this situation LAST NIGHT! I went out with two women on my block that I have been wanting to get to know better. I came prepared with cash that I don’t normally carry, but towards the end of our evening one of the women slipped out and paid the bill for all three of us, saying this way we would be sure to get together to do it again. Very nice, but now I’m nervous for next time–even though it will all even out in the end, I don’t know if I’ll be able to foot a big bill all at once!
Oh, and it probably makes a difference to note that it wasn’t coffee, the three of us were sharing a fairly nice bottle of wine and a couple of small appetizers.
If its coffee I’d offer to pay and say she could get next time (whether there was going to be one or not) or we would just split in half. Generally coffee shops here in London are order at the counter so if we went in together we could just buy our own or the first in the queue would offer. Drinks Engliah people tend to buy rounds in turns if in pubs or wine bars. In restaurants people I know tend to split the bill equally even if one person ate less or drank more. Tipping isn’t such a big deal here as a) it’s often included b) it’s not needed in coffee shops or pubs/bars c) it’s never as much as in the US 10% totally fine in most circs. All this applies to non students or in situation whe one person is for eg a Big Law partner and the other is out of work the partner will tend to pay for more coffees/ wine.
I’ve really enjoyed reading all the comments! Timely because I am going out to dinner next week with an old friend, and two new ones, and was just wondering how I was going to pay.
With my old friend, with just us two-we get the bill and pay our share. I’m with the commenter melty, when people say they never carry cash, I think “well, why not?”. Especially when you are going out, you should come prepared with cash, it just makes everything easier. It doesn’t annoy me when people say “I NEVER carry cash”, but somehow it comes across like the person thinks they are superior, they would never SULLY their hands with actual cash money :)
Of course, you non-cash carriers seem to be in the majority. It cracks me up when I pay for my groceries with cash, I literally have to wave the money in front of the cashier-and then even though the register tells them how much change to give, it takes them forever because they aren’t used to counting out coins.
We use cash because we spend less money when we have to fork it over. If we use a credit card when we are shopping, we are much more lax with the budget. Big bag of Crunchy Cheetohs, sure why not??
It’s funny you say that (about spending less with cash). I find that if I have cash (and especially small bills) I spend it a lot faster than if I have to get my check card out. That’s why I don’t carry it. The thought of having to go get cash somewhere and making sure you have enough but also making sure you don’t withdraw too much from your bank account, and then breaking it into smaller bills without spending money on something you don’t need…it stresses me out.
So many opinions about this! Clearly an issue :)
I actually am Dutch (I believe you have an expression about that ^^) and I’m currently making friends in poor-student-circles. With new friends we always split the bill, but even or according to portion is negotiated on the spot. If it’s with people who have each others contact info it’s not unusual to have 1 person pay who e-mails later on what everyone owes so they can transfer the money. It sounds a little weird after everything I just read :S
Swistle I love your description of how to include a person in a conversation who has just approached and looks nervous. I do this too.
What I wonder is: how do you break in to a conversation if neither of the parties makes any effort to include you, but you have already walked up to them and looked expectant?!?! It seems rude to walk away, but then it feels rude to interrupt!
The favorite cafes and restaurants in my small town are the casual type where you walk up to the counter, place your order and pay, and then your food gets brought out to you (or your name gets called). Tips are then left in a tip jar when you leave. In those cases, it is perfectly natural to just place your orders separately – in fact, the person at the counter will usually ask “is that all together” as they are ringing you up.
In a situation where a member of the waitstaff comes to your table, I think it’s still perfectly possible to ask for two checks, but I neeeever remember to do so. If you’ve forgotten to ask about separate checks in advance, I feel like it is a big hassle to make the waitperson split the check afterwards, so in that case, I do more of an “add up your own items and then throw in some extra for your part of the tip”, and then check that the total corresponds to the actual total and a reasonable tip. This is more workable for coffee or a simple lunch where the total numbers of amounts are likely to be smaller, because then you’re not hunting through your own items in a large and complicated bill.
I hate the even splitting for the reasons others have mentioned – it’s not fair to water-drinkers, dieters, vegetarians, the small appetited, those without children, etc… and really, how hard is it to just do some basic arithmetic?
I totally do my friends out for lunch on my tab in many situations: where we are celebrating someone’s special occasion/life achievement, where they are broke or financially in a strained situation, where I want to thank them for having done some awesome thing for me, etc… but I dislike the sloppiness and implied math ineptitude that comes with “oh, let’s just split evenly”.
I like the idea of offering to cover this one and her get the next one, b/c it opens it up for a future friendly coffee.
The only experience I have with splitting bills is a negative one. We used to do Friday dinners with a group of girlfriends. One would ALWAYS pay with her debit card (to earn points) and we’d have to give her the cash. She never had cash for change so it seemed like every time you were paying more. Like, if my portion was $12, I’d give her $15 and she didn’t have change. Sure, you can say part is for tip, but with a whole table of us rounding up for her, it was almost as if her Friday dinner out turned into a profit on her end. Eventually we just started asking for separate checks, but it got awkward with her and she stopped coming.
Margot- It’s tricky! There’s no good way, I’ve found, to participate in a social situation when the other half of the social situation isn’t participating. So if I do the usual “include me!” signals (standing allllmost in the group, starting to make eye contact with the speaker and smile / make responsive facial expressions), and no one in the group does the “sure, join us!” signals (stepping a bit to open the circle, making eye contact back while talking, etc.), then I pretend to be distracted by something else (I’ve even done the fake “Oh, I see someone across the room I recognize!” facial expression) and leave. Or I stop putting out the “include me” signals, and gradually turn away as if I was never trying to join their group at all.
Braver people, though, sometimes just start talking as if they are already in the group: they look for an opening and grab it. “Oh, yes, I’ve had that happen! I was…” or “Did you say storm? What time is it supposed to be here Friday, have you heard?” In certain moods I’ve done that myself, and it does seem to work in most cases. Most times people don’t seem to be deliberately excluding; they just haven’t noticed someone trying to join.
Sarah hit the nail on the head when it comes to how men and women differ the majority of times. I also was a waitress back in the day at a country club where the husbands would come in for their golf games and the wives would come in for their card games. It rarely every happened that with a table of ladies that ONE would pick up the tab, even though it was simply added to their membership dues. The next night, the spouses may all be sitting at the table and almost always one of the men would pick up the tab and they’d simply rotate it the next week.
Even though those card ladies came in every week, and every one of them would order a cup of soup and a tea, they always split the bill.
Reflection of a different time? I don’t know. Maybe since the wives were dependent more on their husband’s income, they were more conservative. Whatever it was/is, I always have that in the back of my mind when I go out with a friend. If nothing is said, I will always treat. It’s their “reward” for putting up with me for 90 minutes.
Hi Swistle,
I’m from Auckland, New Zealand and thought I’d share a bit about how things are done down here.
Most cafe places, probably all of them are the kind where you place your order and pay at the counter and then sit and wait for your drinks and food to be brought to your table, so its never really a problem.
Another thing that struck me from the comments is how common it is in the us for people to carry cash. Here we mostly use eftpos, which takes the money straight out of our banks, so its like a debit card, not a credit card. I’ve seen people use their cards for very small purchases like $2. It doesn’t cost us or the retailer anything and has become part of daily life. Most of the time I carry $20 or less.
Also I don’t know what its like at your proper restaurants… The kind where you get waited on but still fairly casual, but here, most restaurants do not split bills. They have a big sign by the cashier and often smaller signs at each table “one bill per table”. Hasn’t really been a problem before because usually we only eat w family or reasonably close friends at such places so splitting bill awkwardness is not a problem.
I love your blog…its my absolute favourite!
Marlene
Hey I am a waitress and someone who makes new mom friends, so I will comment happily. I always size people up and say “one check or two today?” before I give the bill, just like it happens all the time, no big deal, and mostly people say two and I give them and they pay however they want and it is NO big deal. Sometimes couples that I know have been married for years take turns paying and it blows my mind, but that is just me putting my personal situation on it. Anyways, I think any server who works in a place where people must come in all the time and be on separate checks would just ask and you won’t have to worry about it. But my husband hates talking about money so much that if he even gets a whiff of someone being uncomfortable, he’ll just pay the tab and say “you can get it next time” or something, and I think that’s fine too, although I am reading in the comments that some people might be super offended by that, so maybe it’s not such a great idea. If it were coffee, and I asked someone, I wouldn’t mind just getting it but honestly, I don’t think it will be necessary. Also, I take credit or debit cards all the TIME for small amounts, one soda, one beer,whatever. Lots of people don’t carry cash!
First time? Separate checks. Handle your own tip. Maybe if things continue, take turns paying for the whole thing. With my BEST friend of 20 years I only ever say one check if *I* plan on paying it!
Ugh, Blogger ate my comment. Either that or I’m technologically challenged when posting via my phone. (:-D
I preferring splitting the check for a few reasons: I rarely have cash, I don’t want to make assumptions about the other persons economic status, and I don’t enjoy the sense of obligation implied (as in: “Oh she paid so now I have to go again, even though i don’t want to”)
Why yes, I am a bit anti-social, why do you ask? hahahaha
If you’re the one who extended the invitation, you pay unless she insists on paying for her portion.
If she’s the one who extended, offer to pay for your portion, but don’t push if she insists, just invite her next time and say it’s on you.
Wow, I’m surprised at the wide variety of opinions. It must have a lot to do with different regional/cultural and income. For the first time at a coffee shop, it’s easy because you just walk up, order yours, and pay. I do try and get there early so that there isn’t any awkwardness with a new person/who should pay. I would feel very uncomfortable if somebody I didn’t know well yet wanted to pay for my coffee or lunch. But I would also let them, just so there isn’t any weirdness. But that really doesn’t happen for me anyway.
For lunch or dinner I have cash & a rough idea of how much it will cost. So, if I think lunch will be $10, I bring a ten and either a five or some dollars to leave as a tip. Then it’s ok if she only has a card or if the restaurant doesn’t seperate the tip. Whatever you end up doing will be ok because it seems like there is such a range of socially acceptable behavior.
It’s taken me years to figure out how to include that third person, and I’m still not very good at it. So, chalk that one up to “taught” behavior for me.
As for the check, I ask for a separate check. In part because I don’t carry cash, just debit. In part because I am an engineer and (in my quest to make sure I don’t under pay) would want to calculate it out to the cent. Which I can’t do without a calculator. And apparently, this is off-putting to other people. Often the server will ask, which makes it easy. Otherwise, I just let them know. :) If it’s a pay at the front kinda place, we just take the ticket up and let them know who had what and they split it there.
I’m generally a separate-checker. Also generally socially awkward. Every time someone asks me a polite small-talk question I think “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO ASK IT BACK, ASK IT BACK.” Sometimes this results in a frozen idiotic smile, sometimes in a very stilted-sounding return of the question. It’s not that I don’t want to know! I don’t know how to make words come out of my mouth correctly. None of this is what you were asking.
To the cash comment – I don’t have any credit cards, I just always use my debit card. I don’t spend more recklessly “sure, big bag of Cheetos!” or whatever because of it, for me it is the same as cash – plus I can track where it went, how much I spent, etc. If I have cash I find it much easier to spend and then I have trouble remembering where it all went.
And I wanted to comment on the things some people know while others need to be taught: YES! I feel like many of my social skills were late because my parents didn’t model them (or something). I was a polite kid – “please” “thank you” etc. but like your example, I would have been the same way – needing prompting about what the expected response was. I love that your date was so laid back about it – sometimes people just don’t say anything and think unkind thoughts about you in their head instead and then you still don’t know that you did anything socially awkward!
We always just ask for separate checks. I like your suggestion for including others in a convo… I’ve often tried awkwardly to do this and I’m going to remember this tip!
My preference is to just split it down the middle, even if I got something less expensive than the person I’m with. however, I know this isn’t everyone’s preference, so if I’m going with someone for the first time, I carry a wad of cash and sit there and stew about it. Helpful, no?
I do try to figure out a way to be in charge of the tip, somehow…one of my friends and I like to go to dinner with our kids, which means we are a giant pain in the butt as a table AND usually the kids split something off the kid’s menu. as a result, I try to tip around 25%- we are usually more work and our check doesn’t reflect that. My friend (who used to wait tables!!) tips around 17%. And I don’t want to secretly leave more money or anything, but to me, that’s just rotten.
I had my dinner last night, the one where I wasn’t sure how we were going to pay. I brought plenty of cash, and I am glad I did-because they didn’t accept Visa or MasterCard!! I don’t even know if they took the debit cards!Luckily we all had cash or checks to pay our rather substantial bill. We ended up splitting it evenly, because all our entrees were about the same price.
I don’t use a debit card, because even though I am responsible with my bank account-I have read so many articles of people having problems with their banks because of the debit card. I don’t like putting my number out there that is directly attached to my bank account. Just my own quirk-I fully understand that other people don’t feel the same way, and I don’t expect them to!
We have our budget for groceries, take out the cash-and if we run out of cash we make do with what we have. We’ve done things this way for years, and it works for us.
This is only tangentially related.
Our local businesses have recently made us aware that they really, REALLY prefer cash or check because they pay very hefty fees on any credit transactions, and only slightly less hefty fees on any debit transactions. I had no idea it was such a big burden for businesses before the local newspaper ran a feature explaining the fee structures! As a result, I’ve become more habituated to carrying cash or the checkbook for meals and incidental expenses, at least in small mom-and-pop establishments and coffeeshops.
But Starbucks can probably handle it. :)
In my experience, you ask for separate checks and then pay your own bill and leave your own tip. I DESPISE splitting checks as a customer and as a server. Plus, as a server you then know who to be mad at when they leave a terrible tip. :)
My friends and I ALWAYS pay our own by asking for separate checks. When I’ve invited people out, as we order, I say, “And I get the bill, please” or “One check, please and I’ll take it.” Like if we invite out someone from church or a visiting preacher or something. Otherwise, we just get separate checks.
A lot of places here in the Midwest automatically separate them – like “seat 1 total” and “seat 2 total” and then an all-together-total at the bottom.
Hmmm, I’m usually awkward about money things, but this one actually hasn’t come up. We just always assume that we’ll pay our own. I read etiquette columns about people who order steak and then want to split the bill with the person who ordered salad and I always wonder, “Who ARE these people?”
In German, there’s specific language for “I want to treat you to a meal” versus “Let’s go out for a meal at the same place and same time but we’ll each pay for ourselves.” Makes it much easier, which verb you use, to know what the situation is.
My co-workers and I occasionally have these terrible all-day meetings BUT we get a much longer lunch break than normal, so sometimes we VOLUNTEER for meetings, just to have the chance for lunch out. Then it’s 6 or 8 of us at this awesome little Chinese restaurant. They put everything on one bill for the table and the first person just hands the cashier the bill and says what they ate and then the rest of us just say our food individually and we all pay and it’s good. We went there when I was freshly pregnant and I ordered two lunches. It was lovely. That is off-topic, sorry.
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I found this while searching for an answer to how I’m supposed to treat married female friends in similar situations–If the lady makes no money, lives off her husband’s paycheck, do I act as if she makes half what their husband does (in terms of choosing where we eat, whether I be more generous if I’m doing well, myself, etc)? Unfortunately, I think this is a case-by-case thing; I still haven’t found an answer.