I’d like to access the brain of the internet, if I may. I have the sad task of returning a cat to the shelter whence she came. The other cats will not accept her, nor does she want to have anything to do with even their friendly overtures. The other cats have now begun relentlessly tormenting her and preventing her from using any of the litter boxes. (Every time I scoop a box, the other cats come RUNNING because they think she’s trying to sneak a pee.) When she walks from one room to another, she has her tail tucked and she walks slowly and carefully, looking around constantly and expecting to be attacked—expectations that are periodically confirmed. She is not living a happy life right now.
We’ve consulted with the vet and various online resources, as well as studying all the pamphlets from the shelter, and we’ve tried a number of expensive and non-expensive solutions with results that seemed promising at first but have all come to naught. This is not working. It’s a bad match. Which is sad because we love her and want to keep her.
The sad part is entirely ours: when I feel like this is too hard a task, it is comforting to imagine her in a house where she can go where she wants and not have to worry about being attacked; where she can go to the bathroom without the equivalent of someone slamming open the door while she’s mid-pee. The shelter is a no-kill shelter (the kind that charges you to bring in an animal, and sometimes doesn’t have room for new admissions), and they do a wonderful job of taking care of animals in both short-term and long-term care. (Our adoption contract specifies that we have to return her there if we don’t keep her.) She’s a wonderful cat, and I think she’ll get taken quickly: she’s great with children and with people she doesn’t know, and she’s a sweetheart, and she’s pretty.
Here’s the part of the internet’s large and extensive brain I’d like to access: Do you have any tips for bringing an animal to the shelter? That is, as a former pharmacy technician I could suggest you not say “What takes so long? Don’t you just have to grab a pack off the shelf??” (answer: “No”), and as a former daycare caregiver I can say we definitely believe that babies poop in the car on the way to daycare but that we believe it more if the parent then changes the diaper, and as someone who has done some dating I can explain that “It’s not you, it’s me,” “I hope we can still be friends,” and “I LOVE you, I’m just not IN love with you” should be avoided. What I’m hoping is that some of YOU have inside information about animal drop-offs. What’s good/bad to say? What will communicate our good-person status and remove some of the disappointed-in-you disapproval from the faces? What will make it clear that this is a decision we agonized about and tried many things to fix, rather than that we are people who went “Meh, this didn’t turn out to be 100% easy and awesome so never mind it’s just an animal”?
OK – I’m not an expert in this in any way, but I my first thought is that you CALL THEM first and say a variation of what you just wrote to us. Depending on how much they actually want to listen to, explain how much you love the cat, but that you feel bad for the way her life is at your house. Tell them you talked to your vet, researched solutions online, and that you just don’t want her to live like this.
You should remember that you are definitely not the first return they have ever seen – they will have heard lamer excuses for returns before and they’ll be happy to hear that you really tried to make it work.
So sorry!
Laura
We recently gave our dog away, so I completely sympathize with your agonizing decision. It’s been months and even typing that makes my eyes well up. But sometimes the right thing for the animal is the absolute worst for the people.
I don’t have the inside information to an animal shelter but I do think it will be clear in your non-verbal how much you love the animal and wished it had worked out. Your kindness and concern for the animal will be apparent. People who are meh give off the meh vibe and I am certain the animal shelter workers will see that.
I only have experience as an animal returner not a shelter worker.We apologized that it didn’t work. Because it was within two weeks or something, they offered to give us part of our adoption fee. Of course, we declined and told them to keep the money. We also had some extra food (the dog we returned was much smaller than our dog) so we brought it with us. I would also suggest being really honest about problems on the intake form (especially at a no-kill shelter where you don’t have to worry that what you say will be harmful for the animal’s future). One of the reason it didn’t work out for us was the form from the prior owner didn’t mention the animals flaws (chewing, not being housebroken, and more importantly constantly nipping at and pestering other dogs). So be honest, although it sounds like it’s not this kitty’s “fault.” And I’d recommend waiting awhile and/or going to a different shelter if you decide to get another cat because I feel like they probably monitor “returns.”
We had to return a dog to the rescue a few months ago – it broke our hearts. She was a gorgeous, good-natured girl, but the two of them just were not getting along. She developed a habit of beating up on our male – unprovoked – and he became was a nervous wreck (he actually still is!), and it got so the two of them started randomly brawling – literally trying to kill each other in the living room.
We ended up calling our contact person at the rescue and we explained the situation – that neither animal was happy – there just had to be a better home for the dog. The rescue lady understood. She may have had some disapproving thoughts, I don’t know, but WE KNEW it was the right thing to do. She needed a home where she was an only dog.
And then we both cried our eyes out.
If the cat’s not happy, if she’s nervous and scared, that’s no life for her. It’s not fair to her. Maybe she needs to be an only, too. A nervous animal becomes an unpredictable animal, and you certainly can’t have that, either. Regardless, you’re taking the trouble (and expense) to return the cat to the shelter, not just opening the door and booting her out onto the streets. The shelter people will understand that.
I don’t have any advice, but I’m sorry you have to take her back. We are facing possibly having to find a new home for one of our dogs, and it overwhelms me. Good luck.
I take that back; I have one “piece” of advice: I would imagine focusing more on the welfare/quality of life of the animal will probably go a lot further with other animal lovers than anything else. And it sound like that’s this situation: that it’s not that she’s not working out with you, but with other pets, and so HER quality of life is poor.
Tell the truth, exactly as you told us. It’s so compelling, Swis, and the cat will be MUCH better off. We had to re-home a cat several years ago, and it KILLED ME, but once I told the truth, the shelter workers were SO UNDERSTANDING, because as it turns out, there are genuinely good reasons to return a cat to a shelter to get him or her a fresh home that they deserve.
(In our case, our cat was attacking us, attacking the dog, attacking small children, and we spent six months trying expensive fixes and multiple vet visits and had literally reached a point where we gave the cat the run of the house while we holed ourselves and the dog up in our bedroom. I’m not even kidding. We LIVED in the bedroom because we were afraid of the cat. Surprisingly, the shelter people agreed that this was not a way of life for us OR the cat, and he needed to be an only cat in a home without children or animals. I heard he got it and is quite happy.)
I know phone calls stink, but maybe write a script or at least some bullet points with precisely what you outlined here so you don’t do what I do on the phone, which is to panic and wave your arms wildly, forgetting all the salient points of the phone call in the first place.
You’re not calling because you just don’t like the cat, or that she’s not cuddly enough or cute enough or you didn’t realize how much work she’d be. You KNOW cats and you love them, and I think that will be remarkably evident when you speak to them. In our case, we had to get on a waiting list at our no-kill shelter, and it took a month or two, but was ultimately worth it.
Oh Swistle, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts over this decision. But it’s SO clear that you came to it after much deliberation and solution-seeking. I think that will be evident to the workers, too.
Poor kitty – she will be much better off without cat tormentors. And your cats will be much better off without a cat they can’t stand. And you will be much better off not having to fret about this divide between the cat factions. It is the best decision. But oh, I’m so sorry you had to make this decision and so sorry you’ve been going through this for so long.
Say just what you told us, be honest. They’ll know you’re a good person by what you tell them.
We had to give a dog back to the rescue organization we got him from and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. The only time, other than the birth of our child, I have seen my husband cry.
What everyone else said is right on – call the shelter (or possibly email them?) first, make sure they understand exactly why you’re returning the cat. And don’t confuse their disappointment in the situation (that it didn’t work out) with them being disappointed in (or judging) YOU.
Ooh something I know! I worked in a shelter for 3 years. We got return adoptions probably once a week. It’s seriously no big deal. We work closely with animals and are well aware that things don’t always work out. Just be honest with them and give them all the info you can on what you tried. That’ll help them find the right home for the cat. The last thing the employees want is for the cat to end up in an unhappy home. There’s zero shame in return adoptions.
What they all said. And sending hugs.
That just plain sucks, for all of you. :( I agree with the suggestions to call ahead (which of course means that you compound the difficulty by adding in a rough phone call). Perhaps you can even set up a time to come in and a person to meet, that way you are expected and don’t have to go through the whole explanation when you show up?
It sounds like a good shelter, and they will also want the best for the cat.
This might seem silly and sentimental, but it would help me to have 15 minutes or so alone with the cat to give it lots of love and an explanation. That is what I had to do with our dog, and it still helps.
I don’t have any experience with this particular scenario, but I recently took a cat who was just not happy in her home (they were fine, caring owners but they got a dog and the cat could not handle it, so she hid in the basement all day every day for two years until they finally said shit, she is not ever going to warm up to this dog). So she moved in with me and immediately just BLOSSOMED. She is the happiest cat. SHE LOVES HER LIFE. It was a heart-wrenching decision for her owners — they owned her for eight years before they got a dog — but now they only wish they had done something sooner.
I am sorry you are going through this and I am sending you lots of love. xo xo!
Everyone has already echoed my experience. As someone who’s had to do this for a dog or two – one just was too neurotic for our pack and the other had violent tendencies toward our kids – being honest and open with the shelter helps them better rehome their pets. Telling them everything you wrote here will let the shelter know that the kitten is loving, sweet, and playful, but does better in a home where she’s the only cat. LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR THAT CAT, EXACTLY.
I am so sorry you’re having to do this, though. It’s so hard, especially with kids. ::hugs::
(I do think, however, that this teaches kids the RIGHT thing to do in an event like this. As awful as it is, not every animal is right in every home, but we should continually give them the opportunity to find the best home.)
When you consider that there are these kind of people out there, realize that people like you are the kind welcomed by shelters. http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/02/dog_pound_my_friend_wants_to_dump_her_dog_now_that_the_kids_are_grown_.html
All the advice you’ve gotten sounds like the right advice, but I just wanted to say I’m so, so sorry this is the choice you have to make. It’s the right choice, of course! But it’s hard, and I’m sorry. Maybe when it’s finished you’ll have more emotional energy for other stuff.
Maybe it would temper your disappointment, and make them take you even more seriously as well, if you were able to follow up occasionally for updates on how she’s doing, and even maybe details about where she’s landed? Maybe even offer your email address to them, to give to people thinking of adopting her, so you can tell them in person how great she is? I’m so sorry you’re having this trouble, I wish they could all get along…but you know, they are really like mini-people sometimes, and people just don’t always get along either.
Oh, no. So sorry for you guys! I have zero pet experience at all, but I will echo everyone’s advice that you just call them and tell them all these things; clearly the cat needs a different family. You are only thinking of the cat.
I volunteer at a shelter, and I think telling the truth should be plenty — because you are absolutely doing the right thing.
But if you want to be sure that any Jerks Who Don’t Take Your Word For It are equally convinced, maybe try to cry?
So sorry, Swistle. She is lucky to have an owner strong enough to do right by her, even when it’s such a sad job.
This is a sad thing =(! I’m so sorry it didn’t work out, but I’m glad that you have the comfort of knowing you did everything you could!
I haven’t personally returned a cat (we’ve been really lucky with our cats), but I have helped my best friend return a cat that was in a similar situation to the cat you’re describing. She was being bullied and while she tried everything, nothing was helping.
One thing I’d recommend is printing out these notes you put here — or abbreviating them and bringing it in with you. The intake form when we returned this cat was short and didn’t leave a ton of room for details. Also, it was a pretty hectic and emotionally overwhelming event — so having something that they can attach to the cat’s file prepared ahead of time may help them in finding a better home for them.
Also, I would call ahead of time — one thing my friend did was she kept the shelter updated throughout the process, so when she arrived they already knew how hard she was trying to make it work (and they genuinely seemed sad for her and not mad that it couldn’t work out).
I think it’ll be clear how much you tried and how much you love cats — so I wouldn’t worry about if they think bad things about you. The hardest part for my friend (and me, despite not living with the cat) was handing her back to the shelter people — probably because no matter how good the shelter is, I always imagine it’s so overwhelming for the cat (so much chaos, noise, etc.). Sorry you have to do this, but it will likely make the lives of all of the cats better!
I have a little experience from both sides.
First, we had a dog that we rescued and he turned out to be very wild and despite a years worth of dedication to training, we came to terms with the fact that he was just not going to settle down. Sadly, we had to take him to the shelter. It was a no-kill shelter and we had to pay for them to take him. I just explained to them our reasons (too aggressive, can’t let our daughter play outside anymore, he ate all my deck furniture, etc.), and then I started to cry. They were very gracious.
2. When we adopted our cat she was sick and miserable, but they promised us that it was because she didn’t like other cats. They said that when she got to our house and realized that she was the only cat she would perk up. She has absolutely blossomed in our house. She is the best cat ever for our family. Just keep thinking about your cat living as an only cat in a house like ours being completely doted on all the time and absolutely adored by our children.
We were in a position like this, too, down to the no-kill shelter and the sweet adorable loving cat. The only difference was that the cat was being terrorized by the presence of our increasingly mobile child, and I felt so terrible about it and was so ashamed because we really were not the sort of people who take this lightly or who don’t closely supervise our children around animals or who don’t spend a ton of time teaching our kids how to be gentle with animals or who didn’t gate off a large child-free zone for our cats.
What helped is that I emailed them the list of all the things we’d tried and the issues we’d been having (definitely writing was better because it was just too long and exhaustive a list for a phone call, especially in emotional distress), and asking them if they had any other ideas for things to try or if they thought it might be time to try another home. They were very much “heavens, no, you’ve done everything you could have tried, bring him back tomorrow!” I think it was important that all of this be documented, too, so they could find him a better home.
We gave them a larger donation to cover the cost of some of the cat’s care while he was finding a better home, and we also have kept them in our charitable giving on an annual basis in a smaller way. We also periodically enquired as to how the relinquished cat was doing. He ended up bouncing around THREE more homes after ours before one of the shelter volunteers adopted him, and he now is thriving.
When we finally recovered enough from the experience to try again with finding a cat, the shelter could not have been more lovely, so I really believe there weren’t any hard feelings with the volunteers we worked with both times. And we are so so so glad of our new cat – it is like a night and day level contrast in experience when the fit is right vs when it isn’t… and every animal deserves a home where they are loved and thrive.
Oh, that is such a shame. Some advice from my work at a shelter (though I wasn’t at the adoption desk).
– make an appointment, since not all staff are trained in handling relinquishments. They’ll probably know what times would be best, but weekday mornings tend to be quietest.
– have a printed list of what you tried, with results (if anything seemed to work a little, etc.) As others have said, this will help when they’re looking for a new home. Include your vet’s contact info as well, and any vet records that you have.
– be gentle with yourself – this is a shitty, shitty situation, and it sucks.
– say goodbye before you get there. You may also get a chance to say goodbye at the desk, but it may be too overwhelming, and you don’t want to feel rushed.
Good luck, Swistle! This is hard, but it’s the right call for you + for all of the cats involved.
Could you suggest a trade? Would you be willing to return the cat, but adopt a new one?
I’m sorry, that’s a shame. If it were me, I’d write a note, but I am a crier. I hope it goes ok and that it helps that you did everything you could.
How about writing a letter about the cat and ask that they let any potential adopters read it? And you know the shelter folks will read it too.
Damn. My heart is breaking for you but I am so glad the kitty has you looking out for it.
This must be so hard. Hang in there.
I think you should send them and include a link w/ this post. Ask them for their advice on how to make it easier and communicate your struggle. You are such a good writer, it will be a slam dunk.
I really shouldn’t be saying anything because although I love animals, I am Deathly Allergic to most of them.
But I like what others have said about writing a letter for any potential new owners. I’d say leave your phone number, too, but since you hate talking on the phone (I can relate) that is not good.
As an active volunteer with my local no-kill feline only shelter, you’ve gotten some great advice. Write out a letter about the cat, and it will go in her chart at the shelter. It will be SO helpful for the adoption counselors. It sounds like she is a great cat – likes kids, sweet, well-behaved. She’ll have no trouble finding a new home. Sounds like she is very passive, so if she goes to a home with other pets they need to be passive as well. You’re doing the right thing for her.