This morning’s preschool time benefited greatly from OpportunityThink. It’s NOT that the whole time was used up by errands. No.
Instead, it’s that I had the opportunity to call the pediatrician about William’s ouchy ear without having to say, “Henry, I’m on the phone. Shh, honey. Honey, SHHHH. Sweetheart, I am ON. THE. PHONE.”
Then I had the opportunity to take William to the pediatrician without having to say, “Henry, sit in the chair, please. Henry, remember what we talked about, about how you need to be quiet so Mommy can hear the doctor. Oh, honey, get off the floor. Off the floor, please. Honey, OFF THE FLOOR, oh that is gross, you are having a bath in hand sanitizer when we get home.”
Then I had the opportunity to sit in the pharmacy waiting area with a book and without having to say, “Henry, sit in the chair, please. Henry, IN the chair. Feet OFF the chair, please. No, we are not buying that. Honey, remember we don’t talk about other people when they can hear us. Seriously, stop that. No, we are not buying that. I said NO, Henry. Sit IN the chair. ON your butt, please. Okay, it was funny the first three times, but now stop saying ‘butt.’ Quiet voice, please. Just a few more minutes. Because we have to wait our turn. Honey, just be patient please, we are almost done.”
Then I had the opportunity to take William into the school office without saying, “Henry, hold my hand. You have to hold my hand. Stop careening, please. Shhhh, sweetheart, children are trying to learn. Okay, stop saying ‘butt’ now. CAREFUL, honey. That’s HER pencil. Leave that there, please. Don’t touch that, please. Oh, god, don’t LICK that please, are you kidding me?”
Then I had the opportunity to go to the grocery store without saying, “Fine, you can walk, but you have to watch where you’re going. Watch where you’re going, honey. Henry, you almost smashed right into that lady’s cart. No, I’M going to hold the list. No, we’re not buying that. No, we’re not buying that. No, we’re not buying that. Because we don’t need it, now be quiet for a minute so Mommy can concentrate on this decision. Honey, shhh a little. You really can’t keep saying ‘butt,’ sweetheart. Do you need to go into the cart? Okay, then stay on OUR side of the aisle. OUR side, honey. No, no candy. No, no doughnut. Honey, we are almost done, please be patient.”
Then I had the opportunity to put away the groceries without saying, “You can have something to eat after I put away the groceries. AFTER I put away the groceries. Honey, I JUST answered that question, you need to LISTEN. I don’t think you ARE going to die if you have to wait a few minutes, no. Why don’t you play a computer game? Sweetheart, I’m trying to go down the stairs, you need to get out from under my feet or we’re both going to get hurt. Put that down, please. Let me past, please. The faster I can get this done, the sooner you can have a snack. No, that’s for with lunch tomorrow. Honey, you are driving Mommy crazy.”
Then I had the opportunity to write this post without saying, “Just give Mommy a few minute to write, please. Please let Mommy concentrate. Listen, you were totally happy playing with your knights until the instant my butt hit the chair, and then you wanted to talk to me. Yes, butt, I know, very funny. Yes, very funny. Okay, stop saying ‘butt’ now. Okay, you can sit on my lap, but please be quiet. Honey, I can’t concentrate, and if I can’t concentrate I can’t finish this. Sweetheart, could you please go play something else? Stop doing that. Stop doing that. That’s why I told you to stop doing that. Can you pick that mess up now, please? Henry. Henry, come on, I just want FIVE minutes. Five minutes is not unreasonable. Why don’t you draw Daddy a picture? It’s spelled b-u-t-t. Oh, how nice, yes, now let Mommy concentrate. Honey. Sweetheart. Yes, I see it. Okay, now let me just finish this and then we can read your book.”
And now I have the opportunity to go pick up the little booger from preschool.
This is so perfect because it is SO TRUE. On weekends, this is us with 3/4 of our children, and it is SO TRYING. On weekday mornings/nights, when the children are not at school, this is us with 3/4 of our children, and it is SO TRYING.
People at work don’t understand why I’m always so sad about weekends and so happy to come back to work. I know that’s supposed to be against the contract of motherhood, but MY GOSH. Butt my gosh.
I do find it does me good to recognize just how much less sucky my day currently is than it could be.
Word.
bwahahaha! This sounds like every freaking day of my life, but next school year I will have TWO days a week where I have NO children for almost 4 hours!
Strangely mesmerizing to read.
Even though, yes. yes. yes.
Did you keep looking around thinking you were missing something? Like it’s too peaceful.
LOVE this.
When I’m running errands on preschool mornings, I find myself making a mental list of all the things that Eliza would have touched, licked, run into, broken, screamed at etc. And how much longer every thing would have taken (or seemed to have taken). A good exercise in appreciation.
YES. My favorite part was the end: “It’s spelled b-u-t-t.”
Giant sigh.
Eerily good timing on this post, as I was just feeling put out about the fact that, while Scott has taken Simone out for a Fun Father-Daughter Outing so I could work, the time for the outing is almost up and all I have accomplished is a trip to Target, a few phone calls, and lunch. Thinking about how those things would have gone with Simone with me, however, makes me feel much happier about the use of my time. For instance, no one whined at me or stole all my food, so that’s something.
SO true. We hold our breath because they aren’t talking at 18 months…and then by 3 all we want is 5 minutes of peace and quiet. What were we thinking?!?!
This is my life already, and Adriana is only two. She even has the butt obsession down – her new favorite song is Twinkle Twinkle Little Buttface. Sigh.
I want to french kiss this post.
Yes! I do love me some preschool time. It’ll be even better when I have them all at school for a bit of time each week.
This made me tired.
Hooray for preschool! It is the true Mother’s Little Helper.
My 9-month-old daughter is starting daycare one day a week next week, and a (childless) friend of mine asked if I was looking forward to goofing off every Wednesday. I think I am already engaging in OpportunityThink because I told her I was just happy to have enough time to get an article written without Sesame Street on in the background and a coffee consumed without reheating it 100 times.
You know Swistle, I’m beginning to think you don’t know how many people out there WISH they had a kid following them around saying “butt” all day. You should be grateful.
-Phew- The sarcasm flows strong with me today. :)
I totally puffy heart this post. However, I would have to add the caveat that I would MISS THE STUFFING out of him all day long.
It’s just so thankless, this mothering stuff.
I had to take my 3-year-old with me when I took the dog to the vet today. Were you listening in, Swistle?
Ha! Thumbs UP!
Oh how timely!!! Love this post.
This is one of my favorites in a while. I wish you could perform it as a monologue. Trust me, it’s even funnier read aloud, which I know because I read it to my husband.
I have to say, “butt” became absolutely hilarious by the end of the post. Henry would be proud.
— SJ
So familiar. And would make an excellent comedy sketch!
Re: the grocery store– you have to start early, but it’s possible to brainwash them. *grins evilly* We started when the three-year-old was just starting to talk and asking what things in the store were. And when it was candy, cookies, toys, etc, we told her that 1) we don’t buy things we don’t need and 2) we don’t need it. It’s taken a bit of repeating and reminding, but we don’t have to put up with begging and tantrums in the store over things like candy, chips, and cookies that we prefer her not to have. (They’re treats. If she wants crunchy, she can have carrots, sweet, well there’s plenty of fresh fruit around!)
It’s stuck. We go through the store, she identifies things that most kids are begging for with the refrain, “And we don’t need it!” Heh heh heh heh! Having paid for my college texts cashiering and seeing so many parents cave and buy whatever their kid was throwing a fit over, I was determined that it wouldn’t happen. Hence my campaign with the girls. As soon as baby sister starts asking what things are, we’ll start with her, too!
Ok, life has to be some weird parallel universe/time warp thing because you just narrated my life. How did you do that?
best description of life with a preschooler EVER. (and haha BUTTS!)
I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is my life. This is why we had to stop watching that show Up All Night. It’s funny cuz it’s true, but sometimes it’s a little too much truth to handle. I am now sending this post to all the parents I know so they can laugh and cry with me.
I think it was the right decision to send him to preschool, especially since as I recall, you don’t have full-day kindergarten in your area.
You have the most important job in all the world. And doing a bang up job at it, too! This made me laugh.
I think you should train Henry to respond to anyone who says, “Enjoy every MINUTE!” with “Butt butt butt butt B-U-T-T buttbuttbutt!”
Then you can sing out, “Enjoyyyying!”
I really related to this post. I love it.
Oh my god, yes. You are a much nicer mother than me though- you say honey a lot! I don’t even bother with the terms of endearment:)