Recent events have reminded me to tell you about my very pleasing and successful concept of Spite Charity. The idea is this: when someone (or a group of someones) pisses you off on the subject of a cause you care about, donate money to the side of the cause you prefer. Did your grandma spend the entire holiday grousing about how in her day no one did any of this ridiculous recycling, and she for one was going to continue stuffing her milk cartons into the non-see-through trash bags? Did you have to listen to your nutcase uncle talk about how a certain ethnic group is none too bright but they ARE good-looking, he’ll give them that much? Did a Facebook friend post a completely untrue and unfair political remark about a candidate you support? There’s a non-profit organization for that—and it can be a real thrill, writing that check.
Furthermore, it can lead to increased peace of mind: instead of feeling like you’re flailing futilely/weakly against a relentless tide of unpleasant and unshakable opinions, you can feel like you are funding the armies of goodness and righteousness. It’s like sneaking a box of guns across enemy lines, behind the back of the person talking to you, while appearing attentive and respectful to what they’re saying.
Now, it is possible that you have so many friends and Facebook friends and relatives and acquaintances and co-workers and Twitter friends who are, shall we say, outspoken about things, that right now you are thinking you really like this idea except that it will bankrupt you. In that case, I recommend the tally-mark system. Put up a piece of paper up in a convenient place (or tuck it in a drawer or keep it in your purse if seeing it all the time will rile you, or if other people will make things awkward for you by asking about it), and divide it into sections, one section for each topic that makes repeated appearances. Choose a corresponding charity to represent each topic. Each time you clench your teeth over a remark, add a little tally mark to the appropriate category.
Each mark can be worth whatever fits your budget; for example, perhaps each mark can be worth a dollar, and when you hit twenty marks you send a check for $20 to that category’s charity. Or each mark can be worth 25 cents, or five dollars, or whatever comes out right for how many remarks you hear and how much money you’d like to give. You could also copy the swear-jar system, and mark up a group of jars. Each time a remark bugs you, put a quarter in the corresponding jar.
Not only will either of these systems keep track of your spite charity donations for you, you will have refreshed appreciation for how much crap you maturely listen to without clawing at anyone’s face.
Ooh, I love it!
This is BRILLIANT.
This IS brilliant! Also brilliant? That you can unsubscribe from individuals’ feeds on Facebook. In light of recent situations (abortion’s cause brest cancer!!11!) I have found myself needing to do this several times a day. It’s a nice, non-confrontational solution.
missris- THAT IS MY FAVORITE PART OF FACEBOOK. I used to be so torn: I didn’t want to unfriend, but nor did I want to keep reading what someone was posting. A nice quiet “let me just not actively see them in my feed” is such a genius solution.
“you will have refreshed appreciation for how much crap you maturely listen to without clawing at anyone’s face” – PERFECT. hahaha
I love this idea. I can think of 2 charities, right now, that will suddenly be getting a donation from me.
Genius!! I’m definitely going with the tally-mark idea. Having a useful way to channel anger is SO helpful to my peace of mind.
I love this idea and am starting my little tally sheet today. This is so much more productive than griping to my poor husband about the stupid things his parents say on FB.
So, Swistle, what’s the name of your super PAC so I can make out this check?
“how much crap you maturely listen to without clawing at anyone’s face.”
Every once in a while you come up with a phrase that makes me so happy, I almost can’t breathe. Love it.
I like the jar idea, because then if someone says something mildly annoying, you could put $1 in the jar, but if they say something TERRIBLE, you could stuff a $20 in there in anger.
You are a very smart lady.
This is genius. Pure unadulterated genius.
Stimey- Oooo, I love the “more money for more awful” idea! For a tally sheet, it could increase the number of marks: one mark for a mild remark, five for a real bruiser.
Good grief, this is brilliant. And YOU are brilliant.
This is such a shining beacon of an idea. I had been flailing lately and this is the perfect way to sneak ammo to the good guys! Thank you, Swistle!
Kind of like when I sent a contribution to Planned Parenthood in “honor” of Sarah Palin… :)
I like that. I like that a lot.
This is very helpful, indeed. I was just telling my friend yesterday (after someone on Facebook posted a conspiracy laden, racist rant about our President) that I always want to run from Facebook around this time in the election cycle. Between spite charities and unsubscribing, I should be able to avoid going stark raving mad.
Truly brilliant. I can even imagine SMILING at someone who is spouting off, thinking of what a nice donation this is going to be to the cause. And I’m with Devan about the favorite sentence. Well said, as always.
Brilliant. This also reminds me of someone on Twitter’s idea (Misty? Cherie?) who donates to charities she HATES if she doesn’t make a goal–ie donating to the GOP if she doesn’t exercise three x a week or something like that.
Rah- YES, it almost becomes like a drinking game! Like, “Yes, yes, KEEP TALKING…$5…$10…HIGH SCORE $20!!”
Love it.
Love the tally system idea. Is there…. could you make… an app for that?
i do this all the time, and it makes me feel GREAT! :)
If no one makes an app, maybe Swistle could come up with a scorning system like the one she made for Christmas cards.
Yes, I am quite free with Swistle’s time, but I am sure she has so much of it now that Henry is in preschool. (You know I’m kidding, right?)
Love it! It’s like my passive aggressive revenge–I hate sewing for my sister’s kids. She doesn’t take care of my hard work, and within a week, whatever I’ve made looks like garbage she pulled out of a dumpster. Making one small garment can take me a week or more, so it just makes me mad and I hate doing it. She brought her kids over, ostensibly for a “visit” but really because she wanted me to measure them to make them Sunday clothes. So here’s my solution–she says she hates sailor suits and sailor dresses, so I’ll make those. Matching brother/sister ones. Cute as anything (her little boy is three and her little girl is almost two) and since they don’t have much in the way of church clothes, they will wear them.
Thing is, I can’t let the kiddos go without. The little girl is tiny, but average height, so she’s still in infant sizes, but dresses are more like tops. Making them is really the only option to get dresses that her bottom doesn’t hang out of. As for my nephew, well, none of his clothes are very nice, so… I feel like I can’t deprive the babies, but her attitude pisses me off. Thus the passive-aggressive revenge.
It’s been said, but this is brilliant! BRILLLLLLIIIIAANT.
This is brilliant.
and yeah, love that FB feature! This week I hid somebody who thought Joe Paterno had done the required amount. Although I did unfriend someone who said that black folks who talk about how their “ancestors were slaves and the government is out to get them” are basically just whining. We…are not going to be friends.
Seriously, brilliant, and how awesome is it that PP ends up with LOTS OF MONEY?
This phrase is the most awesome thing I’ve read in a while – “you will have refreshed appreciation for how much crap you maturely listen to without clawing at anyone’s face”. Thank you :)
LMAO, I think this is genius! Thanks for sharing this idea.
Genius.
And now may I demonstrate how IMmature I am? You know your last post about support of meaning well? Sometimes someone says some annoying/upsetting thing repeatedly or many people say the same annoying/upsetting thing but it is unwise or inexpedient or unkind to protest. My coping mechanism is to have a secret comeback zinger. Not to use it, just to _have_ it makes me feel better. I don’t need to have the last word aloud.
Aunt for the fifth time in my newborn’s first week: You will live to regret not using your late mother’s name for your daughter!
My secret comeback: I don’t want my sweet child’s name to bring me to tears of grief TYVM!
Nice old lady: Enjoy every moment!
My secret comeback: You too!
Secret spite charity donation is a much more constructive approach.
[Not that the old lady is always annoying by any means. I’m usually delighted that my kids are giving her a nice trip down memory lane. But sometimes, just sometimes, she’s a little too self-absorbed to notice that this exact moment is not the right one to share some unsolicited advice to someone who is demonstrably not having an enjoyable moment. Or even worse, she is thinly veiling a chastisement for not demonstrably enjoying this precise moment.]
I don’t comment here often, because you have so many commenters I often feel like you won’t notice me. But I like this idea a lot. I also wonder, is there an “asshole” donation I can make? Like somewhere I can donate to people who are just total assoholics?
Kidding. This is eye opening there are quite a few things I think I could donate to now that you bring it up!