Elizabeth’s mystery illness was strep. She didn’t have a rash; she didn’t have a sore throat; all she had was day after day of fever and misery. I was a little crazy-eyed from worry and compromised sleep, and I think the pediatrician only did the strep test as an excuse to leave the room for a few minutes.
********
There was a suspect in the Snail Mystery reported earlier this week: a mosquito fish, brought home by William after a school project. This little fish, as I discovered when I looked it up online to see if it could go in the aquarium with our other fish, is a bit of a super-breeding menace/pest. But I thought with just one, it would be fine in our aquarium and would be unlikely to cause a population issue. Plus, what else to do with it, now that it had been brought home? But I noticed it seemed to keep NIPPING at the other fish. Nip. Nip. Nip. The other fish were skittish and kept clenching their fins and darting away. The snail would flinch and tuck in its feelers.
When the snail’s empty shell was discovered, I came to the conclusion that the most likely explanation was that the mosquito fish’s constant nipping had finally driven the snail to run away from home to get a little peace. I can identify.
As the afternoon of the empty-shell discovery progressed, I noticed the mosquito fish seemed even more aggressive—as if encouraged by its recent success at driving away the snail. As if it had developed a TASTE, as it were, for causing other fish to run away from home.
I determined that this could not go on. I did my research. Did you know it is surprisingly complicated to euthanize a Problem Fish? This must put fishing boats to a great deal of shame, since they let tens of thousands of fish flop in the air on deck, rather than following complicated and no-kidding-SURGICAL options required for individual house-based fish.
Still, I was not going to let the fish die uncomfortably, even if this fish may have caused great discomfort to others. Most likely it has not given its heart over to evil, but is just being a fish.
I found a method I could imagine using, and readied my equipment. A plastic container I didn’t mind throwing out if necessary, filled with ice water. A plastic baggie, containing a scoop of familiar water from the fish’s own aquarium, to submerge in the ice water at the proper time. A little spade, for digging a proper grave after the deed was done.
I got the large disposable plastic cup I use for various aquarium-maintenance tasks, and I opened the lid of the aquarium. The fish all came to the top, expecting to be fed. I deftly scooped out the suspect and brought him to the kitchen where I had set up the execution chamber.
As I fussed with my supplies, the fish flipped. He flipped himself six inches out of the cup, into the air, onto the counter. As I looked on, a little scream rising in my throat but frozen there (The Bad Death of Eduard Delacroix going through my mind), he flipped again, into the sink, where there was a large pile of melting cubes of coffee creamer from a failed experiment.
I felt the need to act decisively, but I am not a quick thinker by nature and prefer to have more time to fuss with supplies and wrestle with issues. Overcoming those obstacles of temperament and hoping I would not regret that override, I turned on the in-sink disposal. And very quickly and mercifully, the fish knew no more.
Evaluating the incident afterward, I feel it went about as well as it could have. I don’t know how a fish would feel about it, but I myself would prefer the fast “not even knowing what hit it” death of the in-sink disposal over the slow, opposite-of-boiling-the-frog method of having my body temperature lowered until I went into a coma and died. I prefer the former method even more strongly if the latter method is going to involve being scooped by a fumbling, grossed-out human hand out of a pile of frozen coffee creamer.
I don’t think you could have expected better. Brava!
I hope Elizabeth is feeling better before the weekend!
Oh, my kids would have strep with no other symptoms than a high fever. Scary stuff, I think.
As for the fish….sounds like my life.
I think it sounds like your fish was suicidal. He JUMPED. You had no other choice.
GOOD THOUGHT. The bullying was probably a CRY FOR HELP.
You are a stronger woman than I am…I would have tried to “re-home” him. Ergh. But on another note, this post is exactly why I love reading your stuff- it is great writing, plain and simple.
Oh, awesome. I would have flushed him, but the garbage disposal is a great idea. A little macabre, but great…
Hey, if nothing else you just taught your kids that they better be nice to each other. Mommy don’t play.
AUDIBLE LAUGHTER.
I would have had to do the same. No way would I want to fish it out of the disposal. ick!
Quick is good!
Oh! I LOVE this story–but one question, what size, exactly, is (was?) this fish?
The fish clearly knew its end was near and chose a quick death over a long, slow freezing period. I can’t blame him!
(And I can’t blame you for NOT wanting to pick him up. ICK.)
Glad the Elizabeth mystery is resolved. I hope she is feeling MUCH better and regular sleep has been restored to the household!
Melissa R.- Smallish. Two inches? One and a half?
He committed pescicide! Once he was down the disposal, I don’t really see any other options you had.
I kind of wanted to slug the Ped re: strep. Everything you had to go through! Grrr. I hope she is on the mend.
Oh how I love you, dear Swistle. This is my most favorite thing you have ever written.
Not having a garbage disposal in my sink, I was duly surprised and laughed out loud when I read you disposal-ed the fish. I think that was probably best-case scenario in that situation.
Also laughing about my tab in Google Chrome which reads:
Swistle: Fish Executioner
…instead of something lovely like Swistle: Baby Namer.
Agreed — very well narrated! I love this story.
Gold star to Hotch Potchery. That comment made my day. :)
Elizabeth and The Strep reminds me of Lucy and The Pneumonia. Her only symptom was the high fever, lethargy and sleeping a lot. Finally the doctor said to just bring her in already, and sure enough, he could hear the pneumonia in her lungs, even though she’d never coughed or complained.
I’m glad she is feeling better.
You are SO BRAVE. I am in AWE. Also I intend to be very, very nice to you should we ever meet. Friend.
Okay so I was totally on the edge of my desk chair reading this and then AUDIBLY Gasped as you described his fate.
Well done!! (in a weird way)
(:-D
Oh my God. I started to read this in a normal internet-reading fashion until the fish JUMPED. Then my mouth fell open agape. And I continued to read in that manner until the GARBAGE DISPOSAL. And then I clamped my hand over my mouth. And then I just now took my hand off to type. This post was INTENSE.
Also? “Evaluating the incident afterward, I feel it went about as well as it could have.”
Genius. And correct. Imagine the stress on the little guy if you had picked him up, dunked him, etc.
OMG.
AIEEEEEEEE!
And *that’s* what you get for being an asshole, fish.
Oh dear. That sounds kind of awful for you. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I totally forgot about the Fish Tank Adventures of the Swistle household! There is a 20 gallon tank sitting in our dining room waiting for Santa to assemble it Christmas eve. I must go back into the archives for a crash course in all things fish tank related.
Also-audible laughter. I love that. I refuse to every use LOL and haha is getting old. I might have to borrow that now and then.
This post is awesome. That fish totally committed suicide. Trust me, you did the right thing – I once read somewhere that you could quickly and painlessly euthanize fish by putting them in vodka instead of water. I’m here to tell you NO. No, you cannot. It is not quick and certainly did not appear to be painless. I felt like a horrible person after that.
But hopefully I put my fish-care karma back in balance the time I rescued my beloved betta from my own garbage disposal. Dude jumped in while I was cleaning his bowl and without thinking I just reached in and grabbed his stupid little scaly ass. It still freaks me out. *shudder*
“Mommy don’t play” HA HA HA!!
Also, I love your descriptions of what goes on in your fish tank.
Gah, the description of the fish leaping grossed me out! (It took me back to college when I had a betta in a bowl and I came back one weekend to find it missing. I finally found it – THREE DAYS LATER in the pocket of my cardigan on my desk chair, which was near the fish bowl.)
I think your disposal method was probably the most humane. I’ve read about the freezing-them-gradually method before and just couldn’t imagine doing it.
Some of our male guppies like to nip at the tails of the smaller ones (we have no females for them to impress), and it angers me so much to see a fish getting bullied that I have stuck my bare hand in the tank just to shoo away the offender (and I HATE touching fish).
Oh my goodness! Could you imagine if you didn’t have a garbage disposal in your sink?!?
I’m going to look at my disposal in a whole different light now.
That seriously gave me the huzz. I couldn’t run enough water through the disposal. I’m not sure why THAT would send me skeeving as opposed to other nasty items I’ve disposed of, but the mental image is one I’m now going to take to bed.
Thanks a whole hell of a lot.
*huzzing & skeeving*
Awesome.
Oh the things Moms have to do. Aren’t you glad you have this blog as a journal of your adventures in motherhood?
This is so funny and horrifying at the same time. I admire your quick thinking, and your commitment to garbage disposal cleanliness. I do not think I would have acted with a similarly cool head and brave hand.
I am glad for the Hand of Justice, Swistle Style. Even if it was (mostly) an accident.