We are having a good summer, and this is the first year I’ve been able to volunteer that information rather than replying affirmatively when asked but then having to come up on the spot with positive spin: “Oh, you know! Just hanging around, relaxing, taking it easy! Not really…’doing anything’.” And then the other person tells me how they went to the lake and they went camping and they visited grandparents in another state etc. etc., and I think to myself that I should not have had so many children, because I can’t even IMAGINE going to the lake with them.
But one of the reasons I HAD so many children is that I didn’t take them to the lake when I only had two of them. I am temperamentally inclined to be too overwhelmed to handle anything, and the cure for this is to be EVEN MORE overwhelmed, and then remove some of the stress. You know that story about the family that is way too crowded and oppressed in their small house, and so they consult the wise woman, who tells them to bring the cow into the house? And the next day they go back to her and they’re like, “You know, we don’t want to question your wisdom or anything, but actually that’s a lot worse.” And she says they should now bring the chickens into the house. And this goes on day after day, long after you’d think they would have made the ear-circling finger loops at each other and given her up. They bring in the pigs, and the horse, and the ducks, and now they are seriously in danger of losing their minds: it is crazy-loud, and every piece of furniture has an animal on it, and there is animal poop EVERYWHERE. And she says to them, “Now take all the animals out of the house,” and they’re all “AHHHHHHhhhh!! That is SO MUCH BETTER! We have so much SPACE! This is so PEACEFUL!”—even though it’s the same house that used to feel too small and crazy. That is the kind of treatment I respond well to.
With one child, I can go to a weekly mommy-and-baby class but that is all I have in me. With two children, I can barely manage two trips to the park the whole summer—even though other people are going daily and are also going to museums and the aquarium and on a long car trip. With five children, there is just no way to do anything—but now, everyone else with fewer children agrees with me that there is no way. And then as the five children’s age range shifts to 4-12 instead of 0-8, I start feeling like I am getting back some of my tendency to cope. I have taken the cow out of the house, and maybe the horse as well, and I feel invigorated by how much better this is.
This year all five kids are taking swimming lessons at the same time of day, while I sit in the sun with a book. After swimming lessons, we stay for awhile and swim together—something I couldn’t have managed last summer. This year, we’ve done a bunch of fun stuff at the library already: nature/animal demonstrations and crafts and age-group-specific events that require me to drive back and forth several times in an afternoon. This year, the two eldest children can be left at home by themselves for short periods of time, and can be left in charge of a younger or two for short periods of time—which makes all the driving around with selected children so much less of a logistical nightmare. This year, I can hold onto the hands of the youngest child and the dreamier twin, and count on the other three children to be able to stay near me safely even in a parking lot. This year, WE DON’T HAVE TO BRING A DIAPER BAG.
It taxes my patience, and it’s not like I’ve magically changed personality: I still have an easy-come-easy-go temper, and I’m still easily overwhelmed. I still burn through all my attention/alertness energy to keep the three youngest from drowning for forty-five minutes. I still say “Come on come on come on, we’re late we’re late we’re LATE!!” as if we were in danger of catching on fire rather than in danger of being less than 5 minutes early. I still yell, and I still say things like “I am NOT getting ANYTHING for ANY CHILD for the next TEN MINUTES!!!” and the other day I asked them incredulously if they were in fact animals. I have slammed a door, and then had to come out and apologize with the great self-weariness of someone who is apologizing for the same thing for the thousandth time and is looking down the barrel of another thousand times. I have sent the whole batch of them to their rooms because I can’t stand to hear another minute of their bickering.
But we are DOING FUN THINGS. I feel like things are POSSIBLE and MANAGEABLE even when they’re taxing and tiring. We are getting out of the house, even though I personally would prefer to stay home. We are going places and signing up for things. We are getting home too late for lunch, when everyone’s hot and starving and snappish, and it’s just fine because it’s summer. I’ve found I am not quite ready to take the five of them to a most-of-the-day event that requires a trip to the big city, or to the lake—but I am CLOSE. Next summer, maybe.
OMG, I feel the EXACT SAME WAY. Easily overwhelmed and not really inclined to do much in the first place. Clearly, I should have more children.
I am another one here to shout excitedly, “I am like Swistle!” I have 5 kids, ages 4-13. Yes, summers were all about hanging out at the house. Maybe some library trips, a few trips to the pool, a few trips to the park or zoo.
Unfortunately, I am still in the do as little as possible. My husband lost his job last year and I went from stay-at-home mom to working nights (taking care of newborns! twins sometimes!) and then being stay-at-home during the day. So I am pretty exhausted during the day with the kids, and since they are out for summer now, it is even harder to find time to nap. With one home, it was pretty easy with “afternoon movie time”.
I think back to when the kids were little (0-9) and a friend would invite me to the pool and it was torture, but I would go “for the kids” and I would have 2 swimmers and the rest would be hanging on me. Literally. Ugh.
Now we have babysitters with the older 2. They are all pretty self-sufficient. I am only wiping one bootie and that needs to taper. We are arriving Swistle!
Anyways, I’m looking to quit or scale WAY back on the job (Yay, husband has a job!), so maybe next summer I will CLOSE like you.
Thanks for sharing your life. You are a wonderful writer and it’s fun to see a snapshot of a life so similar to mine in print.
One thing at a time right? Only do what you can handle. I keep telling myself this.
I like this post very much. This week we are doing alternating swimming lessons for the oldest three, from 9:30-11, and then vacation bible school from 6-8 and I’m so weary that I’m wondering WHY I signed up for ANYTHING AT ALL.
This is great! So hopeful! (I remember being allowed to stay home when I was 10-11, for an hour at a time-ish, and it was SO NEAT. Awesome that it relieves the Mom, too!)
Great analogy! I feel the same way about work sometimes, feeling so overwhelmed, and then 17 other work tasks pop up and I’m freaking out and wishing for the good old days where I only had to work 9 hours a day instead of 10.
I also really liked this line: …and the other day I asked them incredulously if they were in fact animals.
Good for you! Speaking as the oldest child of parents who truly NEVER did fun things with us – my mother was frequently overwhelmed by life in general, several kids, health issues, bickering, you name it. And on the occasions when we, as a family, did do something “fun” it usually turned out to be, well, what’s the opposite of fun? That. So again, I say good for you for making the effort. it’ll be worth it.
I only have three kids, but this summer they’re 3, 2, and 1. We don’t go to many exciting places when it is just me with the kids. We will go to a park, but only if the playground is gated. When my husband is off of work, we will go somewhere on Saturdays like the beach or the children’s museum, but I do not do major outings alone. I live in a major urban center where everyone has one or two kids, so they’re all impressed that I get up in the morning and get dressed, so no one expects me to take the kids to Disneyland alone. Win!
My husband has this hope. That one day, when the kids are not 0-10, but perhaps 4-14, we can actually DO THINGS.
Great analogy, by the way. I had never heard that before.
My feeling is that kids in general proceed along the getting the cow out of the house trajectory. Babies are hard! Moving babies are harder! Moving, tantruming babies are the hardest of all! And then, sloooowwwly, they start being less hard, and actual activities other than feeding and cleanup can be engaged in.
I love kid/family outings, usually alot more than my kid does. I crave more children because I can’t wait for all the fun that comes with interacting with more than one child at the same time. But then again I’m not easily overwhelmed, I think if I were I’d stop with one. I couldn’t handle the not being able t handle it.
I just wrote a post about this same thing today, only more on the emotional/mental health/adjustment side maybe. But yes, I know exactly what you mean.
I love this post. My feelings are a bit different…this year is the first year it seems that I don’t have to enlist the older kids to help watch the younger kids on outings. My kids range from 5-17. It seems to make for a better time for all of us and we are finally CONTENT and HAPPY.
Well, I have had no excuses because for 6.5 years I had only one child. But in that time I was still seldom the person to take him anywhere other than the grocery store or similar. Frankly, we always seemed to have enough fun and entertainment being home – first going to the park just he and I and then playing with neighborhood kids when he got older.
Some of that is likely because I work outside the home full time so on the week-ends I just don’t want to deal with getting my act together and getting somewhere AGAIN. But my husband and mom often took my son to the zoo, to the science museum, swimming. I guess I just tend to be a homebody. Now we have two kids and the only outing I do is to take them swimming once a week because my son has a lesson and my daughter is going to be more comfortable in the water than my son is if it kills me.
My husband is still the one who takes them camping, to the zoo, etc. His cabin fever = my time alone ;-)
I too am constantly reviewing our situation and the (TINY) things that have become easier. After a mostly unsuccessful trip to the farm yesterday, we went to Subway and I forced myself to marvel at the fact that my 2 and 4 year olds sat in the booth and sort of ate their food. I’d never have taken them both out to lunch this time last year.
Alas, we are hoping to have another baby so it will be a few steps back…
I love the thought of you getting to sit in the sun and read a book while someone teaches your kids to swim. It doesn’t seem like you get a whole lot of Swistle Time so I’m glad for you.
This was great. Thanks for making us all feel normal, and I too am getting out more and doing stuff. Part of it, is I have a neighbor who wants to get out with her kids so it’s easier with friends to do stuff.
Love your blog!
This is so interesting! I have the same feelings of being overwhelmed–exact same feelings–but about the exact opposite things. Just me at home with kids all day? Horrifying and overwhelming. I only have two and I can hardly stand being in the house with them for more than 2 hours before I am about to completely lose my sh!t. So the thought of me and FIVE kids? Trapped inside all day? Makes me start hyperventilating. But as soon as I take them out somewhere to DO sOmething, I can breathe again. Pushing you on swing? Fabulous. I’m calm….. Life is good. So I can’t have any more kids or I will officially go off the edge.
Oh, Swistle, I had two kids 14 years apart and while with my first one I worked, went to college and managed to take him to fun places and do fun things every spare moment we had, with kid number 2 I am I was still stuck in the overwhelmed by more than one thing a week phase….up until this year. We have been letting my daughter (8) have a friend over (I have found that this actually releases me from her need for my constant attention) several times per week as well as trips to the pool with other people’s kids in my car! Amazing. So simple for others, so hard for me. Hats off to you!
You give me hope for the future, you really do. AND you make me feel like “Thank god I am not the only one who yells and has to apologize and freaks out at her kids” because often it does feel like that.
My problem is that I FORCE myself to do these things and then they suck. I hate going to the park. We get there, and then stare at each other, and then we come home. I try to fly kites, it won’t fly, there’s a tantrum. We go to the beach, there’s sand everywhere, the baby is screaming and heading for the water, it’s hot as hell, there is sandy mashed up banana being shoved on my face, and the older one is screaming that he wants me to plaaaaaay with him and it sucks and I want to never go back. I want to sit and read a book in PEACE, which is never going to happen at an actual beach. So we stay home, and just FEEL like we should be doing something, while we do nothing, until I forget that doing these things always sucks and we do something again, and it sucks. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Some day, Swistle, we are going to have a big, huge family vacation together on a lake! We will have a glass of wine and marvel at our fertility!
I could totally handle the beach with my three, even last year when the littlest was only 2. But now, with a baby? I’m perpetually glued to the couch. “Too many kids at the park,” “too hot outside,” “too sunny, we’ll go after dinner,” etc etc etc. So far, we’ve gone to the dentist, the pediatrician and Target. Summer-o-fun, right here.
I love this post – you’ve captured my own life exactly. The good times, the bad times, the finally creeping out of the house on occasion…right there with you.
This post gives me so much hope.
Thanks for sharing! I only have 3 kids, but the youngest is 4 months old and the oldest just finished Kindergarten, so I’d been used to her being gone most of the day! :P So now we’re doing the “summer thing” for the first time with her off of school and a friend invited me to the pool this week and I’m like “I don’t think I can go on my own with 3 kids who can’t swim, especially with the baby who won’t even want to be in the water.” I keep wanting to go to Target or the thrift store, but it’s a huge effort to do it, especially around when the baby naps. Must remember that it’ll pass and future summers will be easier.
Have you read the kids book ‘A Squash and a Squeeze’ by Julia Donaldson. It’s a retelling of the cow in the house story. You can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tI0bQ-A-H0
Swistle, I could have written the second to last paragraph (although not as well)….especially the part about being late late LATE!! I remember I started reading your blog when Dr. Maureen sent me your post about PPD and I also felt like you were reading my mind. There must be something similar about our brain chemistry or something!
Also, the whole getting the cow out thing….I only have 2 kids, but this week the older one is in camp for 4 hours in the morning. HOLY GOD is is EASY to run errands with only one child!! Especially one who is strapped in a cart or stroller. Why did I EVER think having one child was hard?????
Which is the dreamier twin?
I only have two kids and a lot of the time I am overwhelmed when I try to do stuff with them. (In my defense one of them has Aspergers and one of them is the most dramatic five year old in the world, ever, so it feels like I have more than two.) I’ve discovered that the hard part is actually getting out of the house, not so much being out of the house if that makes sense. I’m learning that if we’re out anyway (like for soccer practice) it’s easy to add a visit to the park or a splash pad.
Often your posts have this laser precision: smooth, incisive, wise, perfectly constructed.
I am grateful for your honesty. And I just love the way you write.
And I only have two kids but I LIVE for the day that I can sit with a book during their swim lessons. I am not too far off I think (two year?), though it feels like LIGHT YEARS.
Jen- It’s Edward. We think of Elizabeth as being almost the same as the two big kids, but I’ll look around and find Edward wayyyyyy behind us, walking at the wrong angle to catch up to us.
“I have sent the whole batch of them to their rooms because I can’t stand to hear another minute of their bickering.”
Wait, is that bad? I view that as teaching them that if you want to be out among the humans, you have to follow the rules of human behavior. Calmly stated disagreement? Fine. Snipe snipe sniping? Go away and come back when you’re ready to try harder.
My house is like a moderated forum.
Slim- I see it the same way.
The “dreamier” comment reminded me of my oldest daughter (nearly 21). She was forever getting lost in or lagging behind talking to herself and STILL to this day–we can never find her in a store. (I have 3 kids) and when we leave it’s …”WHERE IS ADDISON???” It’s sweet and yet SO annoying–I feel like the herding part of mothering should be over by now.
I am so happy to know I am not the only one. I only have 2 kids and the thought of taking them anywhere alone sometimes is more than I can handle. If someone invites us to a park we usually go but I am typically so stressed out the entire time that I can’t enjoy a single minute of it. I am so jealous of other parents that are out and about all the time. I wish I could figure out how to do it. Although I must say it’s getting easier the older my kids are getting but this summer we are still spending most days at home. Maybe next summer we will be out more?
OMG YES. I only have three kids, but this is exactly how I feel, and I am encouraged by the light at the end of the tunnel. They are 5, 3 and 2, and I feel like the fact that TWO children are now potty trained makes life so much easier, and think of how much better things will be when THREE children are potty trained. The only place I will take three children at a time is Target. (Or ShopRite. If it does not have a shopping cart where two children can be contained then we don’t go there without another adult present.)
I am getting a lot of flack this summer about not taking my children to the pool but omg I would lose my mind trying to make sure all three did not drown at the same time.
I love this post!!
Thank you for this!
I especially like reading that you only managed small things even when you had just one or two kids – that’s me!
I do feel like this year it is a tiny bit easier to be out with my two – but then we’ll try to do something simple like a grocery run and I’m ready to string them up by the time we get home because they’ve behaved so obnoxiously. One step forward, two back, sometimes.
I guess swimming lessons will be easier when I don’t have to be in the pool for the lesson (fingers crossed).