I continue to feel surprisingly upset and stressed by Elizabeth needing her tonsils out. I use that adverb “surprisingly” not because of the being upset and stressed, but because my upset/stress is out of proportion to the event in question. I’ve tried reasoning with myself, because I DO KNOW that this is likely to be no big deal, but perhaps you’ve noticed over the years how reason can be quite SEPARATE from emotion. The reasoning-with-myself can be comforting, but it’s not like I think “Oh, my feelings are unjustified? Now that I’ve realized that, they’ve magically vanished!” (This was continually surprising to my psychologist, back when I was seeing one. He kept thinking that if he could just make me UNDERSTAND that my anxiety was IRRATIONAL, it would then automatically DISAPPEAR. Problem: I already KNEW it was irrational, which is what prompted me to engage the services of a PSYCHOLOGIST.)
I think the only thing that’s going to help is getting through it. We got a call yesterday from the hospital, and they gave her the earliest possible appointment, which is August 15th. I’d thought I’d feel better once the date was set, and in some ways I do because now that’s settled, and in other ways it’s worse because now I have a new thing to fret over (it’s so close to the start of school! she’ll miss a week of swimming lessons!) even as I try to reason with myself about it (how nice that it’s before school starts! and she’ll only miss one week of swimming lessons!).
Well. I’m coping by shopping (that’s a Milk and Cookies post on some of the recovery gifts I’m buying her), and by eating Dove ice cream bars (have you tried the new peanut butter ones? OMG).
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I just finished reading Galore, which falls into the category of Books I Have No Idea If I Recommend Or Not.
The first few pages, I was thinking it was definitely not my style: folkloreish, plus really hard at first to follow who was who and what was happening (I had to read the first couple of pages several times), plus the whole “impoverished fishing village” thing that can be so depressing. Plus I almost never like a book if it starts with a family tree, and plus the dialogue was done with double dashes instead of with quote marks.
But before I knew it, I was almost ENTRANCED by it. There was an appealing element of magic/mystery (the aforementioned folkloreishness) combined with the appeal of a survival situation (the same thing that appeals to me about apocalyptic novels), combined with for the most part the author letting us have the whole story: that is, even when he was abandoning a story line, he’d often first flash-forward all the way to the end of that person’s life. There were only a few people I was left wondering what happened to them. And I really NEEDED the family tree: the novel covers several interconnected generations, and I was frequently thinking, “Wait, WHOSE daughter is she, and WHOSE son did she marry?” On the other hand, I hated the way the family tree was an instant plot-spoiler.
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Yesterday after the kids’ swimming lessons, we stayed at the pool and I swam around with the little kids. It was kind of stressful because I had to watch all three of them every! second!—but it was worth it, especially since I suffer in the hot sun during their lessons. They had a good time, I had a good time and ended up cool and fresh instead of hot and cranky, and we all went home pleasantly tired and with that faint bleachy smell.
I hate wearing a swim suit, of course, but I’m lucky that at our pool is a very nice mix of women in swim suits: a nice approximately-representative sample of humankind, including women much thinner and much plumper than I am. I psych myself up by reminding myself that I feel nothing but relief and even a wave of AFFECTION if I see someone else’s jiggly thighs or soft tum or lumpy rear. I also take a lesson from the lifeguards, who are not all Baywatch types and who nevertheless walk around in their bathing suits as if it is perfectly acceptable to have the bodies they have.
who nevertheless walk around in their bathing suits as if it is perfectly acceptable to have the bodies they have. — Because it is!
Your past psychologist sounds like my husband.
((OH, how ironic that my captcha is trial. so sick of that word right now))
I don’t know if you recall but I was the World’s Biggest Freak when Becca had to be put under for dental surgery. I was freaking the royal fuck out! And the only thing that truly cured me was seeing her awake afterwards. It is traumatic for the parent, but the kids just sail through!
My friend’s daughter had her tonsils out and hasn’t been sick a day since….so maybe you can focus on the nice healthy winter she will have this year! Oh and she also said her daughter now sleeps like a rock–never dis before!
Also, your therapist sounds rather clueless!!! Telling an anxiety patient that her fears aren’t rational is his entire plan? Ummmmmm….not helpful, man.
I know it won’t necessarily help you, but my 4 yo had his tonsils and adenoids out a year ago. He was a preemie and has respiratory issues anyway so the whole anesthesia thing was especially terrifying for me. Of course he came through just fine, and it was truly a life-changing operation for him in the end.
A couple of things that really soothed me at the time: I got to meet the anesthesiologist who could see that I was really anxious. She gave me a hug, looked me in the eye and said that she would not let anything happen to my son. So, so nice. Also, at my hospital they had a board where they updated exactly at which point your child’s surgery was (by number, for confidentiality). I don’t know why that was so great for me but it was.
Anyway, I know you won’t have the same experience I did but I completely understand your worry and you will feel so great when it is done. Oh, and the recovery wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d been prepped to expect. :)
I feel much more positive about my body when I’m swimming with my kids. I think because (1) swimming is fun exercise, which makes me feel better about myself, and (2) it’s obvious that I birthed these kids–twins!–and I can still FIT in a bathing suit. That counts for something, right?
“I already KNEW it was irrational, which is what prompted me to engage the services of a PSYCHOLOGIST” ahhh that is me. And I think that is men, they think they can cure everything with logic, and then they act like you are stupid when it doesn’t work.
My husband does this. He starts to tell me to “calm down” and “it will all be fine” and “you’ve got nothing to worry about”. I KNOW, I know that, I do. It doesn’t help for you to TELL me that.
Oh and look at it as giving up a week of swim lessons in exchange for not missing a week of school because she is sick. My son has missed almost NO school since having his out. I swear I’ve taken him out of school more often (for fun reasons) than he’s needed to be out. Boy howdy is that nice.
RE: The swimsuit situation. Once I realized every other woman out there was worrying about themselves and not me, I felt instantly better about my body.
And FWIW, I’d rather see someone out there in the water having fun than someone miserably huddling under coverups or a large towel on the sidelines just because they’re worried about their body. That’s no way to live!
“I psych myself up by reminding myself that I feel nothing but relief and even a wave of AFFECTION if I see someone else’s jiggly thighs or soft tum or lumpy rear.”
ME TOO! It always, always makes me happy to see other people proudly wearing bathing suits in all the glory of our imperfect bodies, and it reminds me that NO ONE CARES what you look like in your bathing suit. These are our bodies, they are so functional and useful and good, and they are perfectly acceptable just as they are.
I love that faintly bleachy smell, too. Also? yes, everyone worries about their parts in a bathing suit, even the lifeguards who appear to be ever-so-confident. I used to lifeguard, and I worried every-single-time I suited up to go to work. And that was before I had kids or that much to actually worry about!
I, too, feel nothing but warm fuzzies when I see soft bits at the pool.
However.
Our lifeguards are ALL tanned, fit teenagers who I swear were put on this earth solely to make me feel pasty and wrinkly and saggy.
(Okay. Maybe not.)
Yes! Exactly!
You’re ok. I’m ok. Let’s all go swimming. :)
Although I will not be ashamed to tell you that even though I am down 11 lbs and walking around feeling like I am a size 6, I caught sight of myself in a window and took myself down a few notches. Not there yet.
A few years ago, before donning a bikini to a beach, I stressed and stressed and STRESSED about it. It was before I had my varicose veins stripped and let me tell you, my SURGEON was shocked at the state of my varicose veins, so they were pretty awful. I don’t know what I thought – that maybe people would scream and point and run in the other direction? That people would faint when they saw me or maybe arrest me and force me to put on pants? Anyway, I went to the beach and there were all the other moms, just regular people, with regular bodies, and no one batted an eye at my giant bulging veins. This year I was a bit shy to go to the pool in my bathing suit because now I have big red scars all over my legs from the vein stripping. But again, I have yet to be arrested and forced to put on pants.
Yes, getting through it – that’s sometimes the only way to dispel the stress. Or Very Intense Distraction, but that has varying levels of effectiveness. I’m sorry for the stress though – having something hanging in front of you like that is just an awful feeling.
I loved your last paragraph. I feel that way, too, about seeing others in bathing suits. (I almost wrote “bathing costumes” for some reason, as though we lived in the early 1920s. or whenever that was in fashion.) Anyway, I always envy the women of any size who walk around in swimwear with all the confidence of a supermodel. I wish I had that confidence, at least as much as I wish I had the actual BODY of a supermodel.
Oh, I feel the exact same way at the pool! And our lifeguards are normal, regular kids with non-supermodel bodies, too.
Also, my mother and I were noticing the other day how popular bathing suits with ruffles are becoming! Even some of the skinny girls had ruffly bathing suits. And some of the larger women looked really nice in the ruffly suits.
The only thing that has ever worked for my irrational anxiety in general is to identify the source of the anxiety and then to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen, and then figure out how I will deal with that worst possible thing. And then I can move on.
HOWEVER, that does not work with health of the children type anxiety since of course my mind runs screaming from any sort of worst case scenario situation with my kids.
So that is no help to you. But I’m sorry you’re feeling anxious and understand completely.
Your comment about feeling affection for other people’s bodies reminds me of that Anne Lamott bit about treating her own thighs like elderly aunties: gently, with affection and respect, and not harshly and with criticism. They’ve been through a lot and deserve love. :)
Oh, the worry! When our daughter was 2 she had to have one of her tear ducts unblocked-she was only under for 15 minutes, but I was a basketcase. It is built into our natures to worry like this, so I think your reaction is totally normal.
I am all about the Magnum bars this summer, have you tried them? The almond is especially delicious.
I live in Alaska, so we don’t have any outdoor swimming pools. I really miss those, to have a community pool to go to in the summer. Anyway, I love what you said about seeing people in their suits. I do feel like most people are just caught up in their own insecurities, and even if people were judging me, most people would keep it to themselves. Since I am not a mind reader, that is fine by me.
Please don’t report on Dove bars anymore. I myself am in the camp of sitting on the sidelines because I don’t want others to see me in my swim suit and my summer intake of ice cream sure isn’t helping.
And now I want a Dove bar.
oh i LOVE seeing other jiggly thighs et all at the pool. and at pole class, where we are in a similar state of undress when doing tricks. so many of the instructors are tiny little lithe things, so it makes me very happy to see other more.. um.. similarly-shaped folks doing stuff that i worry about accomplishing.
Wait…wait a second…Dove makes peanut ice cream bars!!!
Oh, and I do hope your daughter’s surgery goes well. I know nothing I type will get rid of your worries but I do hope she feels better.
The only upside I can see to the fretting is how large a mental breath you can let out when it’s all perfectly fine and over. Favorite part? “..who nevertheless walk around in their bathing suits as if it is perfectly acceptable to have the bodies they have.”
I love you.
I know others commented on that line, too, because it’s tremendous.
The women at my pool look like movie stars, it sucks and blows. I just want to say I hope it goes really well for Elizabeth, and for you, leading up to it. I think it’s really reasonable to be worried and upset about it! I have a friend whose daughter just had her tonsils and adenoids out and it was a little rough for a few days after but she is doing so great now and it was just a few weeks ago! I don’t know if that helps or not.
The only thing I hate worse than wearing a bathing suit is bathing suit SHOPPING. *shudder*
I love our local pool, at which we have a membership this summer, primarily because half of it is a kiddie area, completely separate from the regular pool. Which means most of the women in THAT area have given birth, and very few of them look like Heidi Klum. And those ones, well, I just tell myself they must be nannies. Heh. Also, I find it cheers me enormously that wearing little straight skirted bottoms seems to be very popular right now; I don’t feel like such a grandma wearing mine. I still wear a bikini top sometimes, since the sun fades my stretch marks out so much that it seems worth the awkwardness of baring them initially (my niece, at the beach last weekend: “What happened to your belly, Sarah?!” SAME EXACT THING her brother asked me two years ago! Have the kids never seen their own mom’s belly?! Or was she lucky enough not to get stretch marks?)
Anyways, tangent. I also wanted to say that our lifeguards have a few chubby thighed, pale skinned folks among them, too, and I so admire their absolute lack of self consciousness, strutting around with their whistles, knowing there are far more important things to pay mind to than the fact that their legs rub together a bit.
Amen to everything about the swim suits! I have a couple of very tiny friends who are as self-conscious in a bathing suit as I am… there is something oddly comforting in the fact that we all have some insecurities.
I’m sorry you are feeling so anxious about the tonsils – I had mine out after first grade and have no traumatic memories. I will send peaceful vibes your way?
I just read Galore! And, OMG, total train wreck. I could see it coming, but I just could not stop reading. Still, I’m not sure if I really liked it or not. Parts of it were just weird, but still — I just could. not. stop. reading!
I wanna swim at your pool! I’ve discovered that while I would never be caught dead in a swimsuit in public before I had my son, he loves swimming so much I don’t even think about myself when I watch how happy it makes him.
And on the tonsils issue: I don’t want to add to the stress. Really. But I had my tonsils out when I was 4 and the one thing I remember (vividly) was waking in the night with an incredibly sore throat and not being able to get a nurse’s attention to get some water. I was panicked. I tell you this so you can perhaps prepare your daughter for this (show her the call button if they have them, leave her with a few insulated cups of water, stuff like that). Best of luck to all of you. I’d tell you to stop worrying but you’re a mom, so, yeah, right. ;-)
Here’s the thing with surgery. Elizabeth will probably be miserable for a few days, then be fine. WHen you are in the miserable phase, it stinks. But if realize that you are indeed in it, it will soon be over and she will feel better.
My daughter had her Tonsils, adnoids and tubes put in her ears at 5, she had severe sleep apena. Im not going to lie it was a very hard recovery, mostly due to not being able to keep down the liquid meds. Once i got her to start taking in ice and popcicles she would get a little better, then sleep and wake up and cry, cry, cry. However after about a week she started to recover and it was the best thing in the world for her. She was sleeping better and in a much better mood in general. Good luck, it will all work out.