Today I planned to take Rob to a library event for teens. I was out on errands and forgot all about it, arriving home to Rob saying, “Um, the library thing?”—20 minutes after it had started. I was mortified: this taps into several horrors at once, including Horror of Being Late and Horror of Not Following Through (we’d r.s.v.p.’d) and Horror of Forgetting Something Until After It Starts. It was hard to decide which was worse: showing up late, or not showing up. I took him there anyway, despite my instinct to hide and cower and pretend it hadn’t happened. And it was great: the librarian said they were counting on late-shows anyway for some other reason, and Rob had a great time, and I felt so good about our decision.
********
Another parent in Edward’s class called me to find out which teacher Edward had for 1st grade. But she didn’t say her child was in Edward’s class, because she didn’t know Edward was a twin, so she just said that “our kids” were in kindergarten together. So at one point, when she asked who the first grade teacher was, I had to say, “Oh, um…was your son in Edward’s class, or in Elizabeth’s?” and she said, a little confused, “…Edward’s.” And later I realized she’d at one point said the name of Edward’s and her son’s kindergarten teacher, so I could have avoided the whole awkward thing by a method known as Figuring It Out From Other Clues, if I hadn’t been so nervous about talking on the phone that all my brain function was concentrating on Not Dying. But she is probably not even thinking of that now, while I’m replaying it and cringing.
********
Another parent called shortly afterward to find out the same thing, and I didn’t answer the phone because I was putting Henry to bed. I should have just called her back, especially after the relative success of the call I’d taken (it went really well except for that one awkward moment). But I couldn’t do it, so I found her email address and emailed her back. “Crutch” has come to be a disdainful word, but that fails to take into account its usefulness in the case of a bum leg.
********
I took a writing job. Then, after I accepted it, a detail was added: it would involve talking on the phone. I spent two hours telling myself I am not totally unable to handle a phone call: look, I just talked to someone on the phone a few minutes ago, and I only made one blunder and it was of the sort probably she is not even thinking about now. A normal working person can occasionally handle working on the phone, even if it’s a corded phone that won’t reach to the computer. This is not impossible even if it feels impossible. Perhaps my mother could babysit all the children or something; I could email her and figure out a schedule, and then go buy a cordless phone.
Then I thought of the situation instead as one in which I wouldn’t be involved at all if it had mentioned phone work to begin with. Only one child was home when I took that other phone call, and even so it was a struggle to talk while keeping him quiet. And…I don’t WANT to take a job that involves the telephone, and that seems like an okay thing to choose, like choosing not to work in fast food. So I chose not to take the job, since it was a different job than the one I’d accepted. It’s hard to tell when something is “backing away from a fear” and when it’s “knowing one’s limitations / not accepting a contract that changed after it was signed.”
Oh man, I feel you on the last one. I’ve had 2 panic attacks in my life and one was on a scary phone call I had to make that related to work. Although I got through it, I also feel like I know the answer to “what’s the worst that could happen?” and never want to experience it again, ever even though that undoubtedly is a career limiting/life experience limiting decision.
While I don’t understand the fear of talking on the phone thing I do TOTALLY get the fear of being late/not showing up thing. I get all jittery when I’m even withhin five mintues of “crunch time”.
Isn’t it crazy the different things that bother different people?
I withdrew from several classes in college because of my anxiety about being late. I couldn’t bring myself to go to class if I was late, which led to me missing so many classes that I was too far behind and I’d withdraw. Yikes.
Although I don’t mind talking on the phone at all under normal circumstances, I am one of those people who finds it very hard to talk with background noise/interruptions. I have 2 young kids….as you know it is precisely when I’ve just dialled someone that one of them needs something NOW! -or one of them gets hurt -or they start to bicker. I find it extremely frustrating. I can’t even handle my husband doing the ‘phone prompting’ in the background: “ask him about….” “find out what time….”
Anyway, I can see why with your, um, fear PLUS noisy kids around, you didn’t take the job. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
How do all these moms with young kids work from home and take business calls? No idea.
I actually feel a sense of “safe distance” when talking on the phone…although I definitely didn’t like making appointment-type phone calls and such when I was in late teens/early 20s. But my first post-college job was in customer service and it was ALL phone work. I think that got me over the hump and also taught me to prepare what I want to say before making a call…and also how to keep the caller at bay if I am trying to find their order or whatever on the sloooow computer and not panic that it is taking so freakin’ long. Face to face stuff is more stressful for me at this point but I do also worry about the forgetting/being late stuff…ah, stress!
I’ve long had phone phobia. My chest hurts when the phone rings.
I HATE talking on the phone, too, but I’ve decided that it is not a phobia, but rather an acceptable life choice. I ALWAYS send emails when I can (even to my own husband), and if it is a situation where the other person might think “why didn’t she just call me?” I start the email with “I prefer not to use the phone, so I hope an email is ok” or something equally unnecessarily apologetic.
YES – knowing one’s limits. I would have done the same thing. They can’t just tack on a phone-call requirement AFTER the fact. That’s a whole different job.
Oh, I can totally relate to the phone thing because I grew up with a hearing impairment. I took all of my jobs based on “not having to use the telephone”…and there aren’t many of those out there! Even my cashier job involved the phone, which I didn’t realize when I applied (calling departments for price checks, calling the credit card company for approvals…this was in the days of knucklebusters, in the late 70s/early 80s). Or they use those walkie-talkie things, which are 1000% worse than the phone…I can’t understand them at all.
Now that I’m deaf with cochlear implants, I can’t hear well enough on the phone to use it (YAY) but I do have a captioned telephone to use at home. I am terrified of having to find a non-telephone-using job someday, when we close our candle business. UGH.
I am usually fine using the phone for specified purposes or for chatting with friends. But I would never take a job that required me to attempt to talk on the phone when my kids were home. I have two kids, 8 and 2, and I swear the SECOND I dial the phone they are both on me like ticks on a dog. It’s ridiculous.
I had a job in sales. I had to talk on the phone for an entire year and I never got good at it, and it was probably the worst year of my life. So assuage yourself with that. I say it was, “knowing your limitations.” It’s a good skill to have, and has probably saved you a lot of misery.
Oh my god, I have crippling phone anxiety and am working through an almost-as-strong fear of being late. I feel so much less weird now. And I would have turned down that job too.
Sounds like you’re kicking ass and taking names.
I also have a phone phobia (who knew there were so many others out there?!)… but I was desperate for a job. I spent a year on the phone. I am told that I handle things well, so that’s good. Still, I jump a little every time the phone rings.
What I hate more than answering the phone is calling someone and having to leave a voicemail/message. I am still bad at that. It gets to the point I have to write a script for starting the conversation, leaving a “brief” message on a machine, and leaving a message with an actual person.
I don’t share your phone anxiety, but your post made me think a lot about the difference between letting fear control me vs. knowing my limits. Changing the terms after the agreement SUCKS, because you can’t do the normal cost/benefit analysis that would happen ahead of time (you can, but it’s all clouded with guilt over ‘backing out’ and ‘should push through’, at least for me).
For now, I’m thinking that it’s fear controlling me in a bad way when it’s getting in the way of things I want to otherwise do. I may not be able to do those things *right now*, but if I really do want to do them, then it’s on me to work through the fear, even if it’s in baby steps for the moment. So saying no can still be ‘knowing my limits’, but I’ll feel bad if I leave it at that without trying to figure other ways around it.
However, when it’s just keeping me from doing something I don’t care about, then honoring my limits is good, and getting over the ‘but I ‘should’ be able to push through this’ is the more important hurdle.
Man, this was long.
TL;DR? Thanks for giving me lots to think about, and it’s rough trying to balance out respecting our own limits with not letting fear rule everything.