I have a little cold, and if I thought the universe was a sentient prissy jerk (and that I myself wasn’t part of that same universe, a la “There’s only one everything”), I would theorize that this cold was my payback for being happy about my good test results from my physical: nice low cholesterol, everything normal with thyroid and blood sugar and so forth—I don’t really know everything they tested, but they made a whole bouquet of little bottles when they were drawing blood, and everything was normal/low/high where applicable. So, in good health for now according to the standard markers, though heading for the time of life where we all start getting things and it’s a matter of what do we get in THE DRAW.
I also had my first mammogram. If you are a little nervous about your first mammogram, as I was, I will tell you how to get a good idea what it’s like. Go into your kitchen, or I guess it doesn’t have to be YOUR kitchen but I do recommend it for privacy reasons. Take off your shirt and bra. Then take one mammo, and lean it into the open freezer, or refrigerator if you are shorter or have one of those freezer-on-the-bottom fridges—whatever’s at the right height for you.
Now you are going to start to close the door, slowly. You will need to reach in and pull/stretch the mammo into the fridge or freezer pretty firmly, or else it’ll just pop out as you close the door. You know that unflattering “orange in a sock” image people use? The orange should be fully into the fridge, with the door closing on only sock. You are right if you’re suddenly thinking that the “orange in a sock” analogy never really worked, and that this can’t work either and the orange will HAVE to be squashed.
Continue closing the door until you are ALMOST in pain: you should have a slight panicky feeling about impending pain, combined with an impulse to pull yourself out of the situation, combined with the strong feeling that pulling back at this time would lead to a worse feeling. There will also be a scraping feeling as the edge of the door travels tightly across the skin surrounding the mammo. Now hold still. Hold still, hold still, hold still—30 seconds. Open the door. Whew! Do it once more on this side, then twice on the other side. Done!
It was not as bad as I’d feared, though I was glad as usual to have been pessimistic and anxious about it, if only for that delightful “Hey, THAT wasn’t so bad!” feeling afterward.
Sweet jebus I am not looking forward to this (although OF COURSE I will do it). I’m 36 or, am I 37 shit. Anyway, it’s on my horizon.
Must go drink coffee.
HA!
I had to get my baseline Mammo last year (My doc INSISTED at AGE 3.5.). And I would have described it very similarly.
The words I used in describing it to my not-yet-mammo-ed-friends were, “It’s not painful. But REALLY Awkward.”
Congrats on all the good test results! YAY!
Yay for good test results! That is terrific news.
Okay, 30 seconds twice on each side. Maybe I can handle that. I mean I pushed an “orange” through a “straw” for an hour and fifteen minutes. So I could totally do this for two minutes right?
Great description…thank you so much!
Don’t forget the part about standing sideways and raising your other arm up over your head.
This is a brilliant description! Thank you for sharing. It takes some of the scary out of it to hear it described so well.
ToyLady- Yeah, but that’s hard to re-enact with a refrigerator.
I had one, also, about a year ago (when I had a never-ending case of NON-nursing mastitis) and I too thought it wasn’t a big deal. Though my tip would be to skip wearing deodorant that day, if possible, so you don’t have to go in the little room and wash it off, which seems a)AWK and b)IMPOSSIBLE to “wash it off” in a little sink.
I had my baseline last year and they called me back for a suspicious spot so I’ve had two. Everything was normal, thank goodness. But, I am big and floppy, and what bothered me almost as much as the physical discomfort was the tech picking up my large bewb (with both hands!) and like spreading it out on the tray thingy. I wondered out loud if one is small-chested is it easier but I don’t recall her answer.
-Danish
Ug! Ug! Ug! There has GOT to be a better way. I was thinking that maybe by the time I am to have a mammogram, the non-squishing option will be more prevalent.
Then I remembered that this is women’s healthcare and lost all hope.
I’ve never had a mammogram yet…but I’m not looking forward to it.
Mostly I’m impressed that your mammo (as it were) comes to freezer height. I’m staunchly in the refrigerator door camp myself.
(And for giggles my captcha is “droopi.”)
this must be the most awesome blog title EVER WRITTEN.
i’ve never had a mammogram, but i DID have to have some odd full-chest xray when i lived in france to prove i didn’t have TB or something before they’d give me healthcare, and that involved taking off my shirt for a dr/tech who must have been roughly 22 years old, then while standing, having a flat metal (cold!!) plate shoved up against my mammos as hard as they could. so, no individual mammo squishage, but a double chestsquash of nakedness, which was HORRIFYING when i was 19 years old.
I had a baseline at age 30 a few years ago, and I think your description is the best I’ve seen. It’s definitely more awkward than painful, but it’s very, very awkward.
I… love this post. Not just for the practical advice (and good news about good test results – yay!) but for the use of the word “mammo.” Love.
I am tempted to try it, but being rather un-gifted in the mammo arena, I don’t think it would work. Like, at all.
I can sympathize! I went last weekend. I had to take ibuprofen after. Yuck.
I have literally only made it through your first sentence but I am already commenting to say GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I have that TMBG song stuck in my head already since my son makes me listen to the 123’s every single time we are in the car. Not that I mind. I actually listen to it even when he isn’t in the car.
Okay, going to read everything else now.
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As 42 year old breast cancer survivor, can I just say…Wow!
I’ve had tons of mammograms and you have hit the nail on the head as far a description! Bravo!
Ladies, don’t be afraid, it’s better to get it done then to wait until it’s too late!
(I’m a lurker and I love your blog)
grace
P.S. Word Verification…. hershbut, Is that like Hershey Butt? Because I have one of those!
Great description. May I add a little bit of advice that I found useful? Bewbs are less tender before ovulation than after – right, we all get tender bewbs as part of lovely PMS? – so schedule your mammo in the first half of your cycle rather than the last half.
Orange…in a sock? But non-nursing, mine are NOWHERE near orange size. More like kumquat in a sock. This makes me very, very afraid.
A friend and I spent a delightful afternoon one time designing a testigram from men, in honor of the doofus (who had to be a male)who designed the mammogram. You can be sure if it was THEIR oranges (or plums or whatever metaphoric fruit you choose), they would NOT sidle up to a machine and place one on a metal tray for smashing and viewing.
The first one I had, the tech said “I’m going to move your breast, and you just come along with it.” I felt like saying “Oh, no thanks, I’ll just stay here with the other one.”
Oh my. Now I know why my husband cringes and shrinks several inches in height watching a guy get kicked in the nuts. I am cringing and shrinking over here. And I’m NOWHERE near my refrigerator.
Interesting that so many of y’all have had mammograms before age 40. I was waiting till then. Should I not? Do I need a “baseline”? Does it change your answer if I tell you my maternal grandmother had breast cancer.
Clueless but hopeful mama- I waited until my OB/GYN/GP told me to. My OB/GYN said I could wait until age 38 (based on maternal grandmother with breast cancer), but my GP said now—so I went with now.
Is it odd that I kind of want to TRY THIS???
Eek!
I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but this just sounds weird. And I have a very low weird tolerance.
My 18-month-old is still nursing, and I’m nearly 38 with a mom who’s a breast cancer survivor, so I’m just waiting for them to say “Go now.” I hope to heck they let me wait until weaning is done.
Hi Swistle…I’m 55 and get a mammo every year now…not fun but I’m so thankful that they have the technology available to hopefully prevent my premature death!!
My issue is that I’m so short (4’9″) that I have a hard time getting my head back and away from the machine!! Also…I usually end up with broken blood vessels on my chest wall as the skin stretches while they are turning the dial to squish the mammo! You really do feel like a contortionist while they are doing this! I love the refridgerator analogy…much better than the jokes that say how to practice for a mammogram: Lie down on the ground so that your “mammo” is behind the back tire of your car and have your hubby back up over your “mammo”…do this several times to practice for you mammogram! So happy to hear that all your tests came back fine!!
I’m so glad you explained that because I’ve always thought they sounded so scary. Now, it still sounds unpleasant, but not so scary.
I was laughing out loud at, “You are right if you’re suddenly thinking that the “orange in a sock” analogy never really worked, and that this can’t work either and the orange will HAVE to be squashed.” Hilarious! Because I was thinking that exact thing. Mine are so small, that is I wear a sports bra, it looks like I have NO mammos. I am curious to see what they do with me when the time comes.
Yup, just as you described. However, I had my first mammogram the week after I had my first culposcopy (done because funny pap results.) You know that thing you use to get olives out of a jar, a long metal thing where 3 prongs come out when you push a button at the top, and it closes with springs around the olive? They use something like that to “pinch off” samples of the cervix in 3 different places. P A I N F U L. Plus a week of cramping and bleeding. So when I got my mammogram, I was all “bring it on!” heh.
I… I just tried it. ‘Twas cold. However, I am quite sure I just did the wuss version, not even trying to apply painful pressure. What if I make my post-breastfeeding mammos (HA!) even more floppy? Not risking it for an insane pretend mammogram.
I’m glad I’m only 32 and have no special risk factors, because awkward is my default state, and I don’t need any help from the medical establishment.
I had a breast reduction in December (best thing I’ve ever done for myself, but I had huge pendulous boobs before). ANYWAY. I kinda regret not getting one before I had the reduction. I think it’ll pretty much HURT now, but before, they could’ve been stretched several yards with no real beginnings of pain. There is a pretty strong history of breast cancer on my maternal side, so I’ve been told to get one for a couple years (I’ll be 35 in May, so this is early). Just never made an appointment. Bleh.
Even more fun is a breast MRI! Lie down on a table face down with the mammos hanging through holes. Then apply the squish, then be slid backwards into a metal tube that is insanely noisey and don’t move for 20 minutes. Oh and I forgot the IV in the hand so they can inject the dye at some point during that time!
Ah Swistle! The part about waiting to see what we get in the draw made me sad. Thank you for balancing with some funny.
Yes, it is so awkward, but probably not as bad as most people fear.