First you need a little background information, which is that the computer room is off the hallway, and the door swings open into the computer room. The frame around that door has been weird since we moved in: it comes gradually unpried, but hammering it back down doesn’t seem to help, and some parts WON’T hammer down, and some parts pry up AS you hammer other parts down, so there’s always weird gaps and we’re aware that something is amiss or warped or something, but neither of us is much of a fix-it type.
So, okay, what happened was that I was very crabby with the constant interrupting (not “We need basic care!” interruptions, but more the “He said I was THREE but I’m FIVE!” and “He’s THINKING that I’m a baby!!” interruptions), and I told the children I was going to shut the door so I could finish proofreading, but I didn’t SHUT it so much as SLAM it with a SHOVE, and the part of the frame that’s been kind of broken suddenly broke significantly MORE, so that the door went a little bit through the frame the wrong way, toward the hallway, and got completely wedged: I couldn’t pull it back toward me at all.
I said to the children that this is one of many reasons we don’t slam doors, and I asked them to try flinging their little bodies against it. That didn’t work either, though they enjoyed it and wanted to keep trying. I tugged on the doorknob some more, but no. Elizabeth said the little gold thing was in the way, and I said “Do you mean the little gold square right next to the door knob?” and she said yes, but I still wasn’t confident we were talking about the same thing so I drew a little picture and slid it under the door and she said yes that was the thing.
See how that would be? The door pushed through the frame, and then that little thing clicked across the edge of the frame and held the door where it was, so I couldn’t pull it back toward me. I turned the doorknob back and forth, but Elizabeth reported the little thing didn’t move. I asked the kids to try pushing the little thing in, but they said it wouldn’t move. I tried moving the lock on the doorknob from unlocked to locked and back again; no effect. So I tried taking off the doorknob. First I used the tip of a scissors, but then I thought to check my desk and sure enough I had a little flathead screwdriver I hadn’t put away the last time I’d used it, so yay for being kind of untidy.
But after I took off the doorknob, the little thingie was still sticking out, still preventing the door from being pulled back toward me, and still unmovable. I looked to see if the hinges had screws I could remove, but no, not on my side of the door.
I sat back and evaluated the situation. On the up side, I wasn’t shut away from any infants or toddlers: all three children would be fine and could understand the situation. I was also indoors, and could talk to the children easily through the door. I would not need to resort to, say, having a child call the fire department, and having firefighters break me out (*CRINGE*).
Also, I had on my side of the door my computer AND the remains of my box of Russell Stover Bloopers. Also, I’d given in to the siren song of the leftover fried rice at 10:00, so I wasn’t going to be uncomfortably hungry. I also had a full basket of dirty laundry I could pee in if necessary: the last year or so of dealing with cat-peed bedding has made this seem like a normal thought to have. In fact, it was a little tempting not to even try real hard with the door. “Oops, guess I’ll have to play on my computer and eat chocolates all day! Sorry, children!”
On the down side, it was less than an hour until time to start lunch so the twins could go to kindergarten. They would have to miss kindergarten. Cheesing, yes; disastrous, no. But I wouldn’t be able to call them in absent, because there is no phone in the computer room.
Oh! I didn’t have a phone, but I had EMAIL! I could email my parents! They are right up the street! It would be embarrassing to say that I got stuck because I had a flash of temper and slammed a door, but they DO remember my teenaged years so… Plus, I’m telling YOU ALL, so clearly I’m not THAT excruciatingly embarrassed. And my dad could PUSH the door into the room even if I couldn’t PULL it, and he could probably figure out what to do with the little doorknob thingie too. …Oh wait. My parents are gone all day to an appointment. I could email Paul, but it’s more than an hour’s drive and then we’d lose half a day of his pay.
This is where I spent some more time yanking with renewed effort on the doorknob, wondering if I could channel panic into some extra strength. (No.) I also fiddled some more with where the doorknob used to be, seeing if I could figure out how to remove or tamper with the mechanism that was keeping the little doorknob thing in its locked position. (No.) I also used the screwdriver and a pair of scissors to see if I could pry the door back in my direction at all. (No.) I also flung myself at it for awhile, to see if I could push it all the way through to the hall. (No.)
I turned my attention to the window. I could easily remove the screen and climb out. But we have a raised ranch, also known as a split foyer; whatever you call it, the gist is that the first floor is 1.5 stories off the ground, not the usual 1. And right under our window is the branchy remains of a shrub: not enough to support a descent, just enough to make it dangerously impaley.
One window over, our ladder leaned against the house. I spent a little time wishing I’d slammed the door to THAT room. Then I told the twins to get on their coats and boots. We spent fifteen minutes with me leaning out the window trying to move the ladder using remote twin-power, but it was a total failure: it was too heavy and bulky for them, and they couldn’t really move it using the anti-having-a-ladder-fall-on-them positions I was advocating.
I looked at the clock. It was 20 minutes until I would need to start the pre-kindergarten routine. I had to decide: were we staying home from kindergarten and having a weird afternoon where I would have the children forage for what food they could manage to get for themselves? Or was I going to confirm my long-standing theory that if I REALLY WANTED TO I could break a locked door down just like in a movie—with the understanding that I would do some serious damage to the frame, since I would be pushing the door OUT (the way it doesn’t usually swing at all) instead of IN like in the movies.
I tested my theory. Slamming into it worked a little, but not enough. I remembered that kicking was better for those of us with our body strength concentrated lower. I kicked, then kicked higher and harder, then kicked higher-still and harder-still, and I broke the whole frame out of the wall and I was out.
I emailed Paul at work and he asked why I didn’t just take the pins out of the hinges. “Pins”?
I don’t know why, but my first thought, other than “I LOVE THIS STORY”, is that I’ll bet it’s something your kids will always remember.
Also: SWISTLE HULKSMASH! Outstanding.
OMG! Pins! I would have totally missed those too.
Ahahahaha FANTASTIC.
Pins?
OMG that is so funny.
Pins would never have occurred to me either. Must be a girl thing.
omg, snorted out loud at the peeing in the laundry. I have to say that the thought of being locked in a room with my computer and some chocolate does not sound like a terrible thing.
Hulk smash!
Oh! I’m dying here at my office. I was figuring you thought of the pins, but they were on the outside. But nwow that I think of it, if the door opens inwards, the pins should be on the inside.
Oh well, this is an awesome story. I bet the twins will get a lot of mileage out of it. :)
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This is the best story ever. And I wouldn’t have thought of the pins either.
The Swistle Hulksmash comments are making me laugh all over again. As is the image in my head of your twins watching this from outside the room. I can see it now on tv: you get the split screen, twins on one side and you on the other. HA! Who plays you in the movie about your life?
This is a great story, very funny! It will go down in your family folklore for sure! I’ll be the kids stopped bickering and were riveted by the “Mom’s stuck!” drama.
Peeing in the dirty laundry HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHH *Greatness*
This would have had me in panic mode. But then again I have a 16 month old.
ALSO: I am obsessed with nail polish right now and GUESS WHAT I FOUND?!?!
http://www.alllacqueredup.com/2007/07/notd-china-glaze-for-audrey.html
Is that not very, exremely close to “Swistle Blue”? I thought of you as soon as I saw it.
I usually read you in a reader, it’s just easier at work. But I had to actually CLICK ON YOUR SITE to come tell you that was the best story ever. Yay! I love you a little.
SWISTLE! This is one of your best stories EVAH!
HA HA HAHAAAAAA! This is a fabulous story. I admit that I would have known about the pins — or, at least that hinges HAVE pins — but would have no idea how to dismantle a doorknob. I’m impressed. I love the mental processes involved here: I have food, kids would be okay, I could pee in the laundry basket. Hee hee.
I thought of pins. Why didn’t you call me? Paul would never have needed to know.
But did you have an appropriate tool to take the pins out of the hinges? Or are they supposed to come out with a little jimmying from your fingernails?
I started thinking “I love this story!” at the first paragraph and it KEPT getting better. Thanks for brightening my afternoon!
Oh I actually snorted when you suggested peeing in the laundry. I wonder what kinds of stories the twins told at Kindergarten??
This cracked me up, especially since I’ve been there (complete with the slightly bewildered spouse reviewing the damage at the end of the day and asking, “well, why didn’t you just use a paper clip?”). Only for me I was on the outside, and my three-year-old had locked himself in his room in a fit of pique and couldn’t muster the strength to turn the door handle to pop the lock out. So I told my son to sit on his bed and then went all CSI on that door, busting it down with a few kicks. The actual damage sustained was surprisingly small, and we actually didn’t perform any repairs until we sold it several years later.
I love that you seriously considered being “locked in” until someone else came home. I think it is every mom’s fantasy (well at least my fantasy sometimes). I would’ve tried to take out the pins first though. :( Guess you can get the wonky door frame fixed now. Yay!!
SWISTLESMASH FTW!
Firstly, I am very glad you made it out safely!
Secondly, I am very glad that you mentioned the food and bathroom situations/solutions. Because I feel like those are never adequately covered in fictional dilemmas like this.
Thirdly, this is such a wonderful tale and told so well. I just love “remote twin-power” and “they couldn’t really move it using the anti-having-a-ladder-fall-on-them positions I was advocating.”
I am mainly an “appreciater” who grins but doesn’t laugh out loud, but I laughed throughout this post. Peeing in the laundry almost made me do the same in, well, in my chair AT WORK. Hilarious! Your children will be telling about this when they are old and gray.
HAHHAHAHHA. Totally awesome! It had to feel great to kick that sucker in, right? Did the kids cheer? Please tell me they did because that’s how I’m picturing it. :)
That is an amazing story. I totally would have just let the kids forage and eaten chocolates and played on the internet all day. Although the “still before lunch” part would have made it a hard decision. I hope you get your door reconnected with minimal trouble and cost.
My favorite part, definitely: “I also had a full basket of dirty laundry I could pee in if necessary.”
On the upside, I’m guessing the repair to the frame and door will fix the weird-gaps-problem, yes?
This is the best story I have read in a long time! Pins! I wouldn’t have thought of them either.
Remote Twin Power is my new band name.
Also, I’m reeeeally glad my husband is a carpenter. We just moved into a new house and he’s spent days removing all of the inside doors and frames because they’re not up to his par.
Take it from someone with experience, the pins don’t always come easily out of the door, especially in old doors.
Glad you’re out!
So funny! I thought of the pins in the hinges, just because we have smaller doorways, so always have to take off the doors to gain that precious inch or so when moving furniture. But don’t you feel good knowing you can kick down doors? Awesome!
What a great story. Very entertaining and I love reading about all the different options that went through your head!
My favorite part = “Oops, guess I’ll have to play on my computer and eat chocolates all day! Sorry, children!”
You describe the best parts that I’d want to know in great detail.
When you mentioned trying to unscrew the hinges I thought you were referring to the pins, but that they were on the other side. I know about the pins, and right now that makes me feel SUPER smart – like woman bonus power x2 points level up.
I guess the good thing is that you can now fix the whole frame from scratch and not have the weird issues of unprying. OR you could go doorless and find some cool curtain or decorative thing to be creative and unique.
I love the level of resourcefulness you display under pressure — you’re like Macgyver, except I guess he probably would have known about the pins. :)
extra points for using the word ‘impaley’.
Seriously, woman. You SLAY me! This was awesome!
I’m with Tess. I LOVE THIS STORY! And very true, the kids will be talking about this as adults at Thanksgivings years and years from now. “Remember when mom got stuck in the computer room?”
Looks like lots of us already knew about the pins.
My question? If you were stuck in the room with the computer, why did you not just ask Twitter for help?
I think you should be awarded bonus points for all that you DID think of trying. I mean really, you removed the doorknob, you tried removing the hinges, you tried “remote twin power” AND you did it all without panicking. So you didn’t think of the “pins,” you can’t be expected to know everything (and who were you supposed to all and ask anyway, you had no phone!). So, good for you and thanks for sharing such an entertaining story for my boring afternoon at work. I hope you gain a wonderful new door and frame that no longer comes unpried for your computer room.
Too funny! I totally love your site and your take on situations. My first thought was “vacation!” but then again (in the words of Louis C.K.) when I’m walking around the car after having put #2 in her carseat and before getting to the driver’s side door, that’s what I’m thinking as well. Great story. You’ll tell it for generations :)
I think I would call them “things that go through the hinges”, but next I think I would say “screws” over “pins”.
I think if this happened in my house, I probably WOULD NOT be able to hulksmash my way out because this is an old house, with HEAVY THICK REAL WOOD doors. We removed a door when we moved in (our kitchen had TWO doors, one on each end), and it was too heavy for David and I to carry… and it was a smaller than standard door. Most of the rest of the doors are larger than today’s standard…
But David (usually) works here in town, so I guess I’d call him (or have one of the girls call him. Though Marin wouldn’t know how, if the older two were at school).
Hmmm. What WOULD I do??? I’m prone to door slamming, so I should probably figure it out.
HA HA HA! My sister just emailed me and said, “Have you read Swistle’s blog yet today? SO FUNNY!”
She was RIGHT!
Oh, this is my favorite story ever! So awesome. Also, I think you would have needed some special pliers plus maybe some other unavailable tool to have taken out the pins.
Nik-Nak– OMG IN MY SHOPPING CART IMMEDIATELY.
Becky- Oh, I think Julia Roberts, don’t you?
Cindy- I did have a flathead screwdriver–do you think that would have worked? But I didn’t even know ABOUT PINS! I did look for hinge SCREWS, though—half credit?
Pickles and Dimes- They didn’t cheer, because they were getting their gloves on for another try with the ladder. But the word spread through the house: “Mommy got out!! She’s out!! Mommy got out!! You’re OUT?? She’s out, she’s out!!” Very gratifying!
Clarabella- I am VERY GLAD TO HEAR THIS, because our house was built in 1960 and I don’t think those hinges have ever been TOUCHED.
Christina (llama llama duck)- OH I SHOULD HAVE!!!! I wish I’d thought of it, because that would have been SO FUN and SO AWESOME. Oh WHY didn’t I think of asking Twitter????
Erin- I’m going with that idea: that I wouldn’t have been able to remove the pins ANYWAY.
Removing the pins might not have worked anyway! We had a front door lock on a bathroom door in a crappy college apt, the door got locked and shut from the inside when no one was in the bathroom. We first tried removing the pins, then we took the whole hinges off, we still couldn’t get the door off. Eventually we had to rip the door handle and lock assembly off the door to open it.
This is the best story ever. And even though I know about the pins, it did not occur to me once while I was reading that you should have done that.
I would have thought of pins (That’s how Da Vinci got Danielle out in Ever After.), but I wouldn’t have bothered. I tried it once and could not get the dang things out at all. Plus, I scratched up my hands pretty painfully in the process. Maybe I was doing it wrong….?
Look at it this way: now you are forced to figure out how to properly fix the door frame. AND you have a good story.
Spectacular. Truly. I adore this story, and you.
My daughter locked herself in the bathroom once and I tried to kick down the door with no success… next time, I’m locking myself in a room with chocolate and a computer.
This story made my entire day. Thanks!
Friends of mine found themselves locked in a second story bedroom with their four small children. All cell phones downstairs on the chargers, and no neighbors close enough to hear cries for help. Mama finally kicked through a door panel (to chants of “Go, Mom, Go!” while lecturing the wee bairns that one should never, EVER kick a door in.
But better than that is the story of friends who finally had a night away from their toddler. They turned off their cell at the Symphony, and when it came back on, the messages played in reverse order. The first one they heard was, “Don’t worry, the Fire Department is here and they took the door off the hinges.”
This is what having unprotected sex can lead to.
HI-LAR-I-OUS. Although, I’m sure it wasn’t at the time…but boy did I need this story today! lol
“Remote twin-power” just made my week…
This reminds me of my recent HULK SMASH window episode. And the biggest annoyance afterwards: assvice after the fact. You did a fabulous job!
I didn’t think of the pins either. I am picturing you motherly-like warning the children to get out of the way and then smashing the door down and I kind of love it, though I’m sorry you went through this. I have memories of my own mother using a hammer to break us into our house as a child and I’m sure resorting to destruction to get through a door is not pleasant.
What a great story!
OMFG, I WANT TO KICK A DOOR DOWN, TOO!
OMG Swistle, you’re like Hulk!!! SMASH.
So darn funny- I too would have found a screwdrivier that I had yet to put back! Unfortunately, I would have also lost bladder control kicking the crap out of the door- after birthing all these babies you know… :)
Dude! You totally kicked a door down. How freaking awesome do you feel?
Pretty freaking awesome, I bet.
I totally would not have thought of the pins either. I laughed all through this.
I love this!! I am going to read again tomorrow when I get home from work and I am grumpy.
This is the best thing I’ve ever read on the internet. Favorite parts:
“the last year or so of dealing with cat-peed bedding has made this seem like a normal thought to have.”
“Oops, guess I’ll have to play on my computer and eat chocolates all day! Sorry, children!”
“it was too heavy and bulky for them, and they couldn’t really move it using the anti-having-a-ladder-fall-on-them positions I was advocating.”
I am considering waking Andrew up to tell him this story. When I *do* tell him, I am going to leave off Paul’s question to see if Andrew says the same thing.
I think you wouldn’t have been able to get the pins out regardless. They can be rusty and tight.
I LOVE THIS STORY SO HARD. i am actually *jealous* of you that you got to kick through a door! i’ve always kind of wanted to do that!
when i was little, like 2.5, i went into the bathroom w/a stack of books (that’s where my dad went to read, so i decided to, too). we lived in an olllllddd house with the bathroom on the 2nd floor with a wee tiny window. after a while, i started calling to my parents that i was stuck and couldn’t get out.
they tried to guide me through turning the handle harder (“I CAN’T!!”) unlocking the door (“I CAN’T!”) turning the lock the *other* way (“I CAAAN’T!”); my dad couldn’t get the door or hinges off as all the hardware was on the bathroom side; the door was too thick & solid to break through. they were about to call the fire dept when my dad asked me once more to try to unlock the door (“I CAN’T!!”) and in frustration, snapped, “why can’t you?!”
“…because i’ve got books in my hands!!” i replied.
(fwiw, i’ve never been able to get pins out of hinges unless i have a hammer and a nail or chopstick to poke into the bottom as leverage.)
Oh I love this.
Best story ever. This will be a family legend for sure.
I know, like, what pins?
You made me laugh out loud several times, beginning with the left over box of chocolates. It was funny because we all know you had them in the house, you having posted about them recently.
This is one of your best!
Incredible. Swistle Hulksmash!
This summer, we were staying at a rental house at the beach with my extended family, when my 5 year old nephew locked my then 18 month old daughter in a bedroom (YES, he SHOULD have known better!). Luckily, my Dad was there and knew what to do, and he removed the handle. However, it still involved him talking my daughter through sticking a bobby pin into the lock to pop it open. When he started directing her, I asked, “Dad, are you kidding me? She’s 18 months old!” But she did it! Thank goodness it was my daughter and not my son, who would have been so busy getting into trouble in there he wouldn’t have responded to the directions!
I am so impressed that you weren’t panicking because I would have been for sure.
This may be the best story EVER. I’ll be laughing about it for a while. Hee!!
This may be the best story EVER. I’ll be laughing about it for a while. Hee!!
I would have thought of the pins, and that screwdriver would have come in handy taking them out, but kicking the door down makes a MUCH better story. :)
This sort of reminded me of the time that I got stuck in a computer lab late on a Friday afternoon while I was in graduate school. The big, heavy wood door opened into the room, and it didn’t fit well in the frame, so it got stuck shut–I didn’t have the strength to yank it open from inside. I was very, very lucky that someone else was in the building & came to help me when he heard me smashing the tiny square of glass out of the top of the door (what I planned to do after that, I have no idea). Otherwise, I would have been stuck there all weekend. As it was, I accidentally cut my wrist on the glass and went around looking like a failed suicide attempt until it healed.
Ah, memories!
This is awesome. Thank you.
Oh that was just too fantastic for words. You BROKE DOWN A DOOR! I agree with everyone else: this is something your kids are going to remember forever. Awesome.
This post is everything I love about your blog. Never change (unless you want to post more often…:)
I cheered at the end (until Paul’s buzzkill.)
Still, go Swistle! Love everything about this post, especially “remote twin-power”. I could see the whole thing and the chocolates and computer were calling to ME, from, I’m guessing several, many?, states away.
OMG, you are hilarious!! I would love an excuse to kick down a door!!
I like how you turned it into a lesson on why we don’t slam doors. Reminds me of the gingerbread house post.
I got stuck WITH the kids once, but on the first floor and we just sent the big one out the window to let us out. Not such an dramatic story. Except that earlier the same evening we’d all been stung by a swarm of bees. Not a good evening.
REMOTE TWIN POWER.
Oh, I am glad all is well, but dang if this didn’t make my day.
remote twin power is hilarious! What a crazy story!! I would have no idea how to take hinges off a door either. No idea. You will always remember this one……goes down in family lore!
I feel certain that this is a story that will be told to your grandchildren. In fact, your grandchildren may as you to tell it to them, again and again. It will be Swistle Family Lore. And that is TOTALLY worth a new door and door frame and whatever other damage was done. Horray!
Maybe someday they can form a band and call it Remote Twin Power – it is too awesome to go through life w/out being the name of something.
This story has solidified in my mind the fact that you should probably write a book. And rereading this story will be my favorite part. The end.
Oh man, this story is a scream. I just watched 127 Hours last week and this is like your own home version. I’m so glad you didn’t have to cut anyone’s arm off!
Damn, woman, THIS is why I love you. This is maybe the best story I have read on the internet in quite some time. Hysterical. You are a storyteller, friend.
I think my favorite phrase is this: “remote twin power.”
I cannot stop laughing! This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I was having a really tough day but this perked me right up. Seriously, thank you so much for sharing this.
By the way, my favorite part was when you used the whole thing as a teaching moment about why the kids should not slam doors.
Love this story and love the way you told it!! I could just see the kids flinging themselves at the door, lol.
BTW, I would also choose to stay locked in the room versus having firemen break me out…that would be horrifyingly embarrassing.
OMG!! I followed a link from Stimey’s Twitter to get to this post, and I am so glad I did! I am laughing so hard I can hardly type!
Reminds me of the time I was chasing my brother and he slammed his bedroom door in my face. I hit the door with my hand (hand, fist, they’re both the same aren’t they??) and totally broke one of the panels out of the door. His door had a piece of poster board covering the missing panel until we both moved out of the house about 15 years later. LOL
Oh my goodness what a story!
Also, KICKING a door down is WAY cooler than “removing pins.”
What kind of story would THAT have been for your kids to tell their classmates? :)
love love love.
pins? i would have done the same thing.
That is the funniest story I have heard in a long time. It’s one that I’m sure will get told and retold for years.
Ha! :)
“Pins?” is what I was thinking too. Live and learn (and fix broken doors). :)
My favorite part of this is imagining the looks on your older kids’ faces when they got home from school and heard the story. :-)