My school-related frets: let me share them with you.
Rob. Sixth-grader. MIDDLE SCHOOL. I don’t think I need to say more than that, because that is already plenty of fretting right there, but the more immediate problem is that he is getting some bad grades and making bad excuses. Like, when he got his first D on an English paper, he said, “I didn’t realize what was expected,” and I thought, “Good: he’s learning now that he can’t get away with slapdash anymore.” But then he got his second D and he tried to hand me the same excuse. Oh dear me no. I don’t mind a kid getting Ds anywhere NEAR as much as I mind a kid pulling a constant “It’s not my fault.”
So he and I had what I have seen amusingly referred to as a “come to Jesus” talk, and he was suppressing an embarrassed smile when I spelled out the concept that “Didn’t realize” is a one-time-use excuse, so I hope that means he knew it was and won’t keep doing it. And it’s only October, and maybe he will now get it together. But I worry that he WON’T: we all like to think of our kids as excelling! and succeeding! and exceeding expectations for the sheer love of doing a good job! and yet a lot of kids NEVER DO. My father-in-law, in his late 60s, is STILL talking about how his grades didn’t represent his sheer genius. And look at Jessica Simpson’s parents, who claim that she got bad grades because she was SO academically gifted she was BORED in class (*wipes away tears of laughter*).
And MOST of his grades are still As and Bs, so THAT’S good. But it’s like, As in the classes he’s naturally good at, and Ds in anything that requires him to lift his pinky finger. I feel like this is a sink-or-swim transition for him: either he will fall in with expectations, or he won’t, and I can lecture him night and day but HE has to start doing the work, and all I can do is wait around and see if he does or not. Not everyone ends up a Good Student, and Good Studentism is not the be-all and end-all anyway, and it’s his life, and there really is still plenty of time to improve things even if he doesn’t do so in sixth grade, and cliche aphorism truism cross-stitch.
I was going to list all the other frets, but I think they should be their own posts or this is going to be Too Much.
Totally agree. I don’t care about grades so long as my children do their own personal best job. If personal best is a C, super, but often it’s not. I have a friend who was just asking why parents help their kids with homework or check what they’ve done (“it’s THEIR homework”), but it’s just this. My oldest (4th grade) is the one who has the most homework in my house. He’s very responsible (read: nervous), so he always DOES the work, but he often will rush through it because Wii is on the other side (no Wii until homework). I know he won’t do his best without me there saying, “I can’t read this.”
My 4th grader has a lot more homework this year, after having switched to a magnet gifted school, and he’s brought home a couple Cs on assignments. It’s an adjustment, but overall I think higher expectations will be good for him.
I don’t even want to think about middle school though. The social aspects and all the class switching.
Swistle, I feel your pain. And I must warn you… it gets worse. Or maybe not for you! Maybe Rob will figure it all out now instead of dragging out the process into TENTH GRADE. Sorry. I have 10th, 9th, 7th & 5th graders (all boys) and only the 5th grader hasn’t fallen into the low grades because of missed homework trap. Yes, I have children who get all A’s on tests and C’s on report cards for not doing/handing in homework. WTF??? That’s the easy part. Just hand it in! Sorry again. This may be a hot button for me. Also, my 10th grader is in 3 honors classes this year but has a F – let me repeat F – in one of them. But apparently I know nothing and none of my suggestions (study more?) are helpful.
I did the D thing in sixth grade. I got two D’s on my report card the first nine weeks — mostly because they made us keep all our work, in order, in folders which were then turned in for a grade. (That was my first D. The second was in math — I was truly lost there.) I got A’s and B’s the rest of the year because I learned to cope. But I never learned to keep those stupid notebooks up to par.
So, anyway, I was sympathizing with you from the first line. Sixth grade is rough for everybody. I hope Rob’s year improves.
It’s going to be okay. You appear to be a great mom, and you’re on it.
Also, I got MILLIONS of D’s and F’s in HIGH SCHOOL. But somehow I got into college and then got straight A’s the whole way through and then a Master’s Degree. Also, I am a terrific person despite my early years of complete slacking. And I now take responsibility for my own actions.
Growing up is hard to do. He’ll be okay.
This does seem like a frustrator ( new word!). I worry I will be somewhat…unreasonable about grades since I did well in school mostly without trying.
But! My child is not me! When will I learn this? NEVER, that’s when! GAH!
I have trouble in the grades area because I know they can do it. If either of them ever find something truly difficult I will be more understanding about a good grade. If you get a poor grade because of lazy – I’m not a happy Momma.
I still think of myself as closer to being a middle school student than being the MOTHER of a middle school student, so I can only tell you I was exactly where he was and yet I still became a fully fuctional adult. Well, mostly.
I got C’s and D’s on all my progress reports & then my mom would freak and I would put effort into all my work for the second half of the semester a pull out B’s and B+’s. The bad grades were due entirely to my inability to do/turn in ANY homework or write drafts and outlines when I could just go ahead and write the whole damn paper in one night.
Just tell him you expect certain grades, especially in the subjects you know he’s good at, and that D’s on final report cards will result in the loss of certain privileges. He’ll figure it out.
Oh, that’s frustrating. It’s not about getting good grades, but about establishing a good work ethic and reasonable expectations. My brother did the same thing in middle school and I remember The Fret about my house.
I would like to point out that middle school is NOT too young to bring up the old: your grades had better be good, or no driving for you! Yes, insurance companies do give good student discounts and leading your student to believe it is for five years prior to their driving is A-OKAY in the parent model I have implemented at my house.
I did a post once on how parents do things for bragging rights, and how parents think that kids are a direct reflection of themselves- like a mirror. Good kids= good parents. Good grades= good parenting. I don’t know, our society gets so much… PRIDE from the successes of our kids, starting from when they can sleep through the night or how early they potty train.
That said, I don’t think of you as someone who is caught up in all of that. And yet, I see your fretting point. I mean, he is HIM and as you said, it’s HIS life. And yet, as his parent who is more experienced and can see the big picture, you know that school *is* important for keeping his future options open. If he’s simply not good at school, that’s one thing. But if he’s just lazy, it’s hard to see him possibly throwing away his future college options starting NOW, as a 6th grader.
And YET. There’s not a whole lot you can do, as you also said. I mean, our kids are not robots that we can control. The parents I know that have TRIED to assert that kind of power over their kids are some of the saddest parents (and kids) I know.
So… do we just keep believing in our kids? Just keep filling them up with how wonderful their great characteristics are and hope the rest falls into line? Hope they swim?
NOW I’M FRETTING. (Where’s the manual???)
Oh dear, I’m not looking forward to these kinds of issues.
My parents always said that they didn’t care (mostly) what kind of grades we brought home as long as we TRIED OUR BEST. So, no being lazy.
It seemed to work well with my sister and I, my brother… not so much.
You are so right on with the “sink-or-swim transition” comment. I bet he will swim!
Oh MAN. I totally feel you, only I have been having this issue for a long while. Well, my issue is slightly different. But it is school-related-fret. And my kid is smart! And lazy! And he doesn’t want tooooo. So he *isn’t* trying his hardest and Cs would be peachy if he was *trying*. But he is not.
*Sigh* I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.
Gah. I am already fretting about middle school, and we’re still seven years away from it.
Ooh, sixth grade is tough, especially when it is middle school and not grade school. Lots of transitions and expectations. IF he is truly not figuring out what is expected a parent/teacher/student talk might be a good idea. Some teachers are hard to figure out, expecially when it comes to English teachers! I use to get really good grades, but every once in a while I couldn’t figure out my teacher. He will find his stride though, I did.
Oh, this makes me all hand-wringy for you. Because I have no idea how you motivate a kid if he or she isn’t internally motivated. I lack this knowledge because I was unbelievably motivated pretty much from birth, and if anything my parents tried to get me to care a little LESS so I wouldn’t be so freaking HIGH STRUNG about everything.
I mean, you’re doing good things (you always do the right things), but I think it’s a totally valid thing to fret about.
Two years later (my oldest is in 8th grade now) and we are expecting our first report of the new year this afternoon. It has a “B” where it should have an “A.” We hear the same excuse and a few other lame ones as well and we STILL haven’t figured out something that works consistently with this boy. I’m sure that’s the problem in and of itself, but this is the last year that grades don’t really count, so we are almost out of time to get the point into his head. Let us know if you find something that works, m’kay?
My husband has this same problem with his son, who is now an 8th grader. In elementary school, they talked about having him repeat a grade, so that’s how bad it was. Husby is v. cranky that D just can’t get it together. But D is now a good student. He did take a C in band last term because he didn’t turn in his practice log. Not that he didn’t practice, or show up, or really improve on the saxophone. Just failed to turn in a piece of paper. Husby was very upset and I’ve been telling him for years, let him fail now while it doesn’t matter, so that when he gets to high school he may work harder to impress. Husby has been fairly laissez-faire with D this year and it seems OK. No more crying about homework, grades seem OK.
I love the “come to Jesus” expression. Other favorites are “It’s not a salvation issue” for “it’s not material to the problem” or “Damascus road experience” to indicate something life-changing.
Blast, comment got eaten. We already struggle with the try your best concept with my son and he’s in second grade. It’s a hot button issue with us because my husband was the kind of student who constantly earned Cs through his freshman year in college because he got As on all of his tests but never turned in any of his homework. Then he dropped out, joined the army, got sent to Iraq and finally realized homework wasn’t the worst/most boring/hardest thing in the world. When he got out, he went back to college and got nearly straight As. I’d really like my son to learn this lesson earlier and without a stint in a war zone. I guess I will try my hardest to help him to see that and then I will try my hardest to let it go if he doesn’t. Sigh.
I also have a sixth grade boy (girl in 8th as well), and we all know that middle school is HARD. They are dealing with so many changes… bodies, hormones, classes and they are SO not comfortable in their own skin yet. My boy is not loving school this year. He is in advanced math and struggling a little bit. He is working hard for a B, which is fine with me. But he wants us to put him in the regular class, so he can NOT work hard for an A. I’m not really loving that attitude, and am trying to make him understand that it isn’t so much about the grade he gets, but what he is *learning*. Learning in school… imagine that.
My husband was the same way all though his school years. He got As on tests but got bad grades because he never turned in homework. He said it was a waste of time. But he did fine in college and law school because those grades were all about tests.
I sincerely hope our son is more like me when it comes to school because I don’t know how I’ll handle it otherwise! And I doubt my husband will back me up because he was lazy and still turned out just fine.
I went to the local elementary school but in sixth grade my parents switched me to a private school in different town. And I totally remember floundering in my first year there. I did well in the subjects that came naturally to me like English and art and math. But things like science? And SPANISH? I was lost. And I know it sounds strange but I REMEMBER feeling like I just didn’t GET what was required of me. I didn’t understand that in order to memorize Spanish vocabulary, I would have to STUDY it. I never had to study before; school had just come kind of naturally. And so I didn’t study, and I didn’t get good grades in Spanish. I don’t know why the CONCEPT of studying was so hard for me to grasp but I didn’t get it until around seventh grade. So, I dunno, I kind of believe Rob when he says he didn’t understand what was expected….
As a former middle school teacher, I can tell you that sixth grade is an age of huge adjustment. You didn’t need me to tell you that, right? But, just from an educators perspective, sixth grade – especially when sixth grade is middle school, not elementary school – is a big, big change. The teachers expect more independence of their students, they typically have MORE teachers, MORE classrooms, MORE to keep track of. Also, statistically, standardized testing scores drop for sixth graders. I realize none of that is helpful in this particular situation, except to say that Rob is not alone. For whatever that’s worth.
It’s so stressful, huh? Granted, I’m only up to 3rd grade, but Sam gets grades now and he has had three weekly math quizzes and has gotten C’s on all of them. C’s. And it’s not because he’s not smart, but it’s because he rushes and he makes silly mistakes. I know it’s not necessarily that big of a deal if we can make it a learning experience, but I don’t want to stress him out about it too much, but also I don’t want him to be all about C’s.
So, yes. Fretting. School is hard.
As a teacher, I am glad that your solution to this problem is not to go into the school and murder Rob’s teacher because it is obviously her fault.
Middle school is rough. It’s a hard transition and it’s hard for many of the kids to adjust to ALL of the changes. You’re doing a good job.
I used to teach high school freshmen (English), and we would see a lot of this same issue, since 9th grade, like 6th grade, is a major transition year. A lot of kids who were apparently good students in 8th grade suddenly had terrible grades, especially in turning in homework. I think that when the expectations are different, standards are higher, and more responsibility is given, so many kids who could previously get good grades without trying simply don’t realize they have to really start working in order to keep up.
In my experience, the kids whose parents stayed on them, helped check their homework assignments, stayed in contact with the teachers, etc. ended up doing really well by second or third quarter. The kids whose parents freaked out and blamed the teachers for harming their precious little sweeties…did not.
Chicken pulled this crap in 6th & 9th grade. It makes me nuts. He will get through it. You will get more gray. I know it sucks.
Oh, that is tough. I hope he pulls through – a lot of kids have that phase when they first start learning how to TRY and WORK at things. It happens at different ages for everyone it seems like, but he’ll be okay I bet. Doesn’t make it any less crazy-making now though.
I taught 6th grade, and if anyone was gonna struggle, it usually ended up being the boys. I could write a treatise on how the education system isn’t cut out for boys. But I won’t.
The worst thing parents did is cut their kids slack….not hold them responsible. The 2nd worst thing they did is not do everything in their power to help the kid get organized….but I don’t mean helicopter parenting. I mean set up a system at home for having the kid do what he needs to do and you look over it when completed. Not harangue him to death to get it done.
It is a huge transition. 7th grade is much worse. I found that kids were sorta normal-ish again in 8th grade.
God, that “letting them sink or swim on their own” gets me every time! SO frustrating to watch your kid screwing up and not rush right in to help them!