Samantha posted this question on Twitter about a second child: “How do you KNOW when you want another? I’M SO CONFUSED.”
Note that she was not asking ME at all. She was asking Jonniker. Did this stop me from mulling the question? Er, no. And is it stopping me from answering it JUST AS IF IT HAD BEEN ASKED OF ME? Why, no! (Hi, Sam! I’m in ur Twitter, eavesdropping on ur conversations!)
So, second child! PART of it, I think, is very similar to deciding to have the first child: there is a leap involved. A feeling of, “We CAN’T KNOW if this is a good decision for us or not. It COULD be the best decision ever, or the worst, or anywhere in between. Given that we CAN’T KNOW, we will have to make a GUESS. And looking around us at other people who have had a first/second child and been glad they did, at least eventually, we’re going to gamble that we too will be glad, at least eventually.”
And part of it was an “on paper” kind of decision: what do we want Our Family to BE? A family with one child? A family with two children? What do we theoretically WANT?
And part of it is the same as ANY experience we’re considering repeating: we answer the question, “Did the GOOD of this experience balance the BAD in a way that made it WORTH IT and make us want to REPEAT IT?”
If you’ve had a second child, how did you decide? Was it the same for you as it was for me—i.e., a combination of leap/gamble and theoretical want and worth-repeating-ness?
If you’re considering a second child now, how are you working through the decision?
For me, I asked myself if I wanted another BABY or another CHILD. I wanted tons of babies. Just not anymore children. So that was a clear answer for me.
second child…….just happened…. so did #3 #4 and #5, but I won’t give them back.
Our #2 was a oops, but the good kind. We thought we’d wait until our first was in school and she ended up being almost 3 instead. It was great timing and we are so happy to have two children. Now we are done having children on purpose…but are so glad that we had our second!
Donna, very good thinking. And now you’ve got me thinking: I want another child, but no more babies, and no more pregnant. EVER. So…
This is a freakin novel, but you asked!!
Before I had Olivia, I wanted four children. I wanted a big, big family. So did my husband. Both of us are from small families. I am one of two children and both of my parents died by the time I was 30. My sister and I felt very alone.
Then we found our we were infertile. That we’d need IVF for any hope of a family. It was a very difficult time (I won’t bore you with details), but to say she was very hard fought for is an understatement. We still wanted four.
Then our precious girl was born. And she almost died from meconium aspiration. Luckily, after only one week in NICU she made a full recovery and came home to us.
She is my miracle. She totally completes our lives and I’ve definitely thought of stopping with her. Why would I tempt fate? How could I possibly ask for more after I’ve received this gift?
Ultimately, we decided we’ll definitely try for at least one more child. We want her to have siblings. We want her to have a bigger family. And the pain and heartache are worth it if we are lucky enough to have another.
But four? I don’t know ’bout that anymore. :)
I wanted my daughter to have a sibling, that was my main motivation. I had a hard time with infancy and wanted to do it again as quickly as possible. Those reasons plus the BABY FEVER. The unrelenting urge to have a baby, it took over my life twice. So far it has not returned so I think we are good with 2.
Like Christine, my biggest motivator was wanting a sibling for my first child. After the first baby we felt complete but I knew I wanted something different for her. So we had two more. I’d keep going, I like the chaos, but DH is DONE.
This may or may not be helpful, but I just always knew I wanted two children. I knew after #1 was born that I wanted to have one more, but that’s IT. I just knew that’s what I wanted my family to look like.
I wanted a bunch, and I don’t know why but I always wanted them to be close in age. I was ready to have another baby 20 seconds after the first was born. #3 came a little later and I wanted a #4 but husband had other ideas. I reallyreally wanted #4 for a long time. But #3 is almost 3 and it would just be AWKWARD at this point!
We are still cooking #1, but we think we want two when all is said and done. We are open to changing our minds depending on how things go with this one, though. I’m curious to see how it all turns out.
We’re talking about a #2 right now and while I do think we will do it and probably sooner rather than later, we are still waiting for the right time (does that ever happen!). If push came to shove, I think we would be happy with our little man being an only, but ideally we would want to add at least one more to the family.
I want to make sure we would be having the additional child as a person in their own right and not just as a sibling for the first one. That just doesn’t seem fair.
I always knew I wanted more than one. I felt like it would be sad for a child not to have a sibling. I’d kind of figured on two (I was one of 2). Turns out, we had 4.
But the oddest part? While in the recovery room after a last minute c-section after 20 hours of labor, I asked my husband when we could do it again. I’m thinking it was the hormones or the drugs. There can be no other explanation.
We started out wanting six kids. We had Teen Daughter #1, followed two years later by Teen Daughter #2 two years later. There was no specific timing or planning, we just let it happen. By that time, we were beginning to understand the magnitude of raising kids, and we thought a little harder about that third baby. We were a little more deliberate on the spacing – knowing that someday we did NOT want three kids in college at the same time, so we had Teen Son#1 three years after his older sister. Then, THEN – SUPRISE!!!!! Teen Son#2, born exactly 12 months after his older brother. It’s okay, though, because a) our youngest son is a great kid, so full of energy and curiosity, and b) thanks to birthday cutoff dates for starting school and a repeat of kindergarden, we’ll still only have two kids at a time in college. Of course, we’ll have two kids in college at any given time for the next decade or so…
I’m pregnant with #2 now. I think we had theoretically decided we wanted a family with at least two children, given that we both had loads of siblings. And then #1 was a very bad pregnancy and a very complicated birth, so that put us off. And we were pretty happy with just her, so we thought about maybe leaving it that way. But we kept getting back to that idea of what the family we had envisioned was, so eventually it just became a question of figuring out the timing. When “I can’t handle it” became “I guess I can handle it” we went ahead with it. I’m assuming it’s going to work out.
Funny thing, after the last god-awful pregnancy, this one, though ostensibly high-risk, has been pretty trouble free.
For us, the decision to have a second was kind of a given: we knew we didn’t want only one. The decision to have a THRID, however, was much more difficult. We had a girl and a boy, and the prevailing attitude (in my little corner of the world, at least) seems to be that the only reason to have more than two is if you’re still trying for a girl/a boy. In the end we went for it, and couldn’t be happier. It really just came down to what felt right for our family.
My first and third were both oops babies (#1 was oops in terms of timing; we always knew we would have children). #2 was totally planned because we envisioned our family with more than one child and we wanted them reasonably close in age. We wouldn’t have likely made the conscious decision to have a third, but it was the best oops of my life!
I have been thinking about this lately…
I always envisioned having more than one, but we have one and my husband is DONE D-O-N-E. But our one is only 14 months old, so maybe (hopefully) he will change his mind. I’m in no hurry.
We always knew we wanted 2 and now that he’s here we know for sure we are done (and we’ve taken surgical percautions to make sure of that). I knew when M was born that I’d want her to have a sibling. I knew after my first pregnancy that I wanted to be pregnant again. I knew after my 2nd that I never wanted to be pregnant again. I sounds so cliche but you do…you just know. But the leap is still there – especially if you had a non-sleeping baby, or colicky baby or anything else that makes you fear the infant stage.
We ALWAYS knew we wanted more than one. I never ever wanted to have an only child and neither did my husband. We thought we’d space them about 2 years apart and then the time came when we’d have to DO something about that and we SO weren’t ready.
Now I am due with #2, due the week before our son turns three. And it just seems… right.
I have always thought I wanted three but my husband is pretty stuck with two so we’ll see in a few years how the Baby Fever strikes us.
I have half gone through this pregnancy thinking “Well, this is the last time I’ll…” so maybe this is it. Plus we are getting our boy/girl and the same theory seems to hold here, that we MUST be done if we got our one-of-each!
I always wanted 2 kids. And foolishly said things like “The only way I’ll have 3 is if the second one turns out to be twins, ha-ha!” And my twins are delightful, as it turns out, though I think they’ll be even more delightful once we’re through tantrums and teeth and potty training.
I have 2 siblings. Hubs has 3 siblings. We both knew that we didn’t want to have an just one child. So more than one is a given. Having been on bed rest for high blood pressure. Then having a VERY cranky, unhappy baby, who didn’t nap for the first 6 months of his life, and being a very cranky unhappy new mama, I wasn’t so sure. Timing was determined by me going from I’m not readyI’m not readyI’m not ready!!! to O.K. I have a handle on this and my emotions soooooo if we don’t do it now I’m never going to. Brady just turned 19 months. And we will start trying after this month.
Having a second child was definitely an “on paper” decision for us. We knew we wanted more than one, but I was absolutely terrified to have another child. Our third was a very “ooh, let’s have another one” kind of decision. We have three girls, and we’re done. I think. I sometimes think of four, but I’m not entirely sure I want to be pregnant again.
I have one child, I want like…..47? Give or take.
I’m not in any sort of place to have a second child now, but I totally would, and it’s a mix of LOVING my big family, being besties with my siblings, loving babies/kids/etc, and the good outweighing the bad.
I always sort of figured I’d keep having kids until I felt like our family was complete. And it was mere moments after #1 was born that I turned to my husband and said “yeah, I could do that again!”
But you never know how things will work out and even though I got pregnant easily the first time I was terrified the second one would take a lot longer and so we started trying the SECOND I thought “Oh no my baby is turning 1 in two weeks! He needs a sibling!”
And of course it happened immediately.
So #1 will be 21 months old when #2 is born. When the test came back positive I FREAKED out for at least a few days thinking all that stuff you said about how do I KNOW this is right? But now, at 18 weeks, I’m thrilled. It feels perfect. So we’ll see if this one makes our family feel complete or if I’m destined to go all Duggar-style crazy on my husband.
I kinda knew we’d be having another one…I just thought we would be waiting a little longer. #2 snuck up on me in a moment of hormonal carelessness. So glad that she did, though! :-)
After we had our first, we didn’t even want to think about having a second. We both work full time, our son was very busy, that baby thing hit us like a ton of bricks, and I’m an only child and was just fine with that. Then, when my son was about 3.5 or 4, I just sort of started to want a second child. Ab not so much, but another child, yes. I had a miscarriage and then trouble conceiving and by the time my son was 5 or so we really REALLY wanted a second baby/child/offspring. Just when we had basically decided to give up trying because it was breaking my heart pretty regularly, I got pregnant had we had a baby girl a year ago. So, extremely long post short, we didn’t want a second for quite awhile and then, we did. Not logical, purely emotional. But, if we hadn’t been really sure about having a second, we probably wouldn’t have.
That should say “a baby not so much, but another child, yes.” Evidently, I should also want to improve my proofreading skills!
We always said we wanted four (we each grew up in families of four). We planned #1. We knew we wanted #2, but were surprised by her a little earlier than we’d planned (15 months after #1). Again, we always knew we wanted #3, but were again surprised a few months earlier (18 months after #2). #3 is currently 10 days old, #2 is 18 months, #1 is 33 months. We still THINK we want #4…eventually. Right now, we’re all in a 900 sq ft apartment, my husband is a full time student, I’m tired of being pregnant so many times so close together, etc. I do think we’ll end up with a #4, but he/she may be a few years down the road. Unless it turns out that we’ve learned NOTHING about what our relationship with birth control needs to be from #2 and #3. Hah.
…what I’m stuck on is if to have a 4th. Since my first 2 are twins, I’ve only been pregnant twice, and had a new wittle baby experience twice, one of which was a stressful blur.
I really want another baby, most of the time. But my husband doesn’t. AND I like my life and my freedoms right now, with my kids the ages they are, AND most of my friends are done having babies, though many of them have a 1 or 2 year old now. But I’m not sure I want to be tied down with a nursing baby while they jet off to a girls’ weekend and whatever, ya know? I mean, that’s just an example of the freedom I’m enjoying… clearly missing a girls’ weekend or two wouldn’t be a deal breaker.
I really, honestly, truly DON’T KNOW what to do.
When in doubt, ask the internet. I just wrote about this same thing on Monday. http://www.agirlandaboy.com/journal/archives/002609.html
Honestly, though, I know I want a second kid (just have to convince the spouse that he does to), but I still need to work on the when and how because I just can’t imagine doing it all again so sooN!
Interesting to me how few of these comments mention anything beyond wanting another kid viscerally. My husband and I have been pondering this a lot lately and keep coming back to lifestyle. Another kid means more expense, less ability to travel, less flexibility in my job/career, probably having to move. Maybe we are selfish for considering these things, but to us they are real issues that in some ways transcend our emotional wants. Plus we are kind of older parents, plus we have infertility issues and struggled mightily to get the one (wonderful, adorable) daughter we do have. Add that all up and we are 97% sure we’re stopping at one kid.
One thing I thought of was: if my doctor told me right now that I absolutely couldn’t have more kids, would I feel sad or OK with it? And I was OK. So maybe that’s a good litmus test.
We always knew we wanted two on paper. Deciding when was a combination of when the baby fever hit and how far apart we ideally wanted out children. Fortunately, the baby fever kicked into overtime at just the right time. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to answer any future attacks of the fever with a pregnancy. Even though I feel like two is the perfect number for us, I think I’ll want another baby, if not another child, as Donna says.
If I wasn’t already going to sleep with Donna at BlogHer, I would after reading her answer b/c for me, it’s perfect. We’ve always only wanted one child but now that our daughter is growing up, I’ve actually considered another baby. But what I want is a BABY not a child. Damn that Donna is smart.
We always knew we were going to have between 2 to 4 kids. We just had such a wonderful experience with the first one (…sorry, Jonniker!) that we could hardly WAIT to have another!
Interestingly, when #2 came, he was SUCH a good baby, we realized just how high maintanence #1 was and how stressed we really were when she was a baby!
#3 was really the leap of faith. To decide to go from 2 to 3 took quite a lot of nerves for us. I still can’t believe he “let me” have three kids! heh
My husband and I were married over 6 years when we had our daughter. We had always said we wanted no kids or just one. When she was 3 weeks old, I just got the thought in my head: “I want 3 kids.” Completely irrational. Don’t know from whence it came. But it was very, very strong. And wouldn’t go away.
But I had postpartum mood problems so we started trying for our son when daughter was 2.5 years. He was born when she was 3.5. I still wanted 3 kids, but hubby did not.
In November 2008, we had a very unpleasant conversation about having a 3rd child. He said no; I said, “Fine go get snipped then.” I weaned our son in December 2008, started on a new birth control pill I’d never taken in December 2008, and got pregnant with our 2nd son in January 2009. (And I took the pills every.single.day as directed.)
So I have 3 and feel done; I’m good. There is no longing, no wistful thinking about another. No empty space in my heart.
Husband got snipped in April. But if a 4th one came along due to incorrect snippage, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
OH just DO IT already! Second children are guaranteed to be awesome. Am I right? OR AM I RIGHT?
Well we have one, he’s 2 plus a few months. Around 18 months, baby fever hit me, hard, and I wanted another one RIGHT NOW. Husband was not ready AT ALL. Which, I decided, having him on board for another one was more important. I bothered him about it for a few months and then I realized pushing probably wouldn’t ever work. So I told him to tell me when he is ready and we can go from there.
He still hasn’t given me the green light so I’m guessing we are either waiting another year (I refuse to be pregnant during the summer) or we are done. We just moved and I quit working so I think we’ve had enough to handle for the moment and I’m okay with just one if that’s where we end up.
We are totally wrestling with this right now. S is just turned 4 and I feel like we should get on it if we are going to, but there is just never a good time – my husband and I both are self employed so no mat leave, and I think it would kick my ass. What I want to know is how people who are now grown feel about not having siblings – has it been a terrible thing for them, or no big deal, or a good thing?
I feel like I am so done with one (I should mention that we did have 2 pregnancies, and our first baby died – so I feel like I have had two), my husband is most definitely not ok with that. Gah. There is no way to compromise on that. We are so undecided.
I know this post is 9 years old, but what did you end up deciding? I’m wrestling with this decision now for the same reasons. Also, I’m so sorry for your loss.
My daughter is nine months old and she is an absolute joy. I’d like 10 more of her. My pregnancy was great and she’s been a happy, healthy, fairly easy child. When she weans (I breastfeed and love it), we will start trying again for number 2.
The actual amount of children we want is still kind of up in the air. We are certain that we want more but not sure how many more. It will depend on a few different factors. I have had miscarriages before so, who knows how easily I’ll get pregnant for another. Also, I’m pretty certain that our next child won’t be as easy as our first.
Plus, two will be harder than just one, I’m sure.
We had 3 in 3 1/2 years. The 1st was an oops, the 2nd was planned, and the 3rd was a kind of impulse decision. We knew we wanted 3 and since we weren’t sleeping anyway, why not just go for it? Baby just turned 1 and I feel like I’m just coming up for air. I am looking forward to doing things in the future that don’t involve babies–like going back to school, getting more involved in my church, going on a trip with my sisters, and not having to plan my schedule around a nursing baby. It is fun to think about getting to do more with the kids as they grow. There are so many good reasons to be done. Not to mention that I get violently sick when I’m pregnant. How could I ever take care of 3 kids with my head down a toilet for 4 months? My husband got snipped after number 3. I know in my head it was without a doubt the best decision. But my heart will always wonder about 1 more.
My husband (at the time) came from a small family so we compromised on just two (instead of the 4 or more I wanted) and having them pretty close together. At least that’s what I thought we did. Turns out, when ‘we’ decided to try for the second, he was already considering divorce. *ahem* might have been nice of him to mention it then instead of when #2 was 18 months old.
I remarried a few years later and we discussed wanting to have a child or two ‘when the time is right’. My first two had been in daycare, the second almost from birth, and I’d hated it. Hubby was in grad school though, and with one thing and another 14 years went by. Mine grew up and were out of school by the time we finally, attempted to get pregnant and then that took awhile. We finally did though and we’ve been not avoiding pregnancy ever since, but it’s been avoiding us. I wish we’d been less casual about it, more ‘organized’ as we had gotten by the time we got pregnant with him.
We sure would’ve liked this guy to have a sibling. But it’s looking more like he’ll have a neice or nephew <5 years younger if my oldest daughter's in laws beg hard enough.
My family has a habit of these extra late in life babies. My dad was one and has one nephew older than himself. My mother’s mom was pregnant with her 6th/last at their wedding. And Mom had a surprise 5th when the rest of us were teens. So if my daughter does have a baby within the next two years, it’s just a family tradition.
It is odd, though, to be setting things aside for the grandbaby, not in a sentimental way, but as a purely practical this is pretty d*mned new and cost a bundle way.
We always were in agreement that we wanted 2 kids, with 2 years between them. Then when our first was about one year old, we realized that would mean that we should start trying right then to get pregnant. And we unanimously said “HELL NO. Not yet.” We just felt that we hadn’t had enough time to enjoy watching him grow yet. We felt ready about 6 months later and our second child was born when our first was 2 and a half years old.
Our 2nd child came along just 375 days after our 1st…that was not necessarily “the plan” in terms of timing but we always talked about 3 or 4 children. I am glad things turned out the way they did because maybe if we had waited longer, I might have freaked out about it. But Liam just eased right into our lives so there was not so much worrying. It also made the decision to try for a 3rd child easier. I love reading everyone’s thoughts on this!
I had one miracle and am absolutely pining for another child. I always thought one would be enough, but after her I brought her home, I knew then. For sure.
Sprinkle some baby dust my way woman of five children. Thanks !
Oh, #2 I desperately wanted. #2 was easy. I was an only child and had had my first child very young. It never occured to me to have just one.
Now, #3? That was more of a struggle. There was the “YES! We want another sweet baby!” And the “OMG I simply canNOT do this again.” But I have a really healthy age gap between all my kids. So maybe that had something to do with my dichotomized reactions. Obviously, we decided to give it one more hurrah.
But #3 is the last and I am so ok with that. I am ready to move on from the growing of the family to the raising of the family. (I think I stole that from Devan.)
I also wanted to add that I am unsure how it ever comes into someone’s head that having that last baby was a ‘bad’ idea. I am not sure I can wrap my mind around that one. Once I get the baby, it is hard to imagine what things are like without him, you know?
i agree with Misty… once you HAVE a baby, you can’t regret it, you know. we are very content with one, and we are happily finished with having children. the thing i ALWAYS think of, is people who didn’t expect another (or a first, or whatever). They ALWAYS say they couldn’t imagine their lives without little “surprise.” once you HAVE a kid, you’re glad you did, you know?
After elevated blood pressure from 7 months, onwards and a pre-eclampsia diagnosis 11 days before my due date, an induction with drugs that my daughter’s heart rate reacted to badly, 12 hours of back labour without getting further than 5 cm along, an epidural, having blood samples taken from her scalp to check that she was still getting enough oxygen, a further scary drop in heart rate when they gave me a pitocin drip, and an emergency c-section with many staples to close the incision (did I mention we’d started with a midwife hoping to have an uncomplicated birth?), the nurse fairly goggled at me when my husband and I started talking about “next time” in the recovery room. So yeah, we knew we wanted more than one.
I;ve been through this, but in regards to a third child. We’re in a place now where having a third child would be disastrous, financially. I’m in school, without an income, and so my husband bears the full brunt of the cost of living outside a major metropolitan area, which we have to live in because of his occupation. I should be a nurse in three years or so, which will help tremendously. And then we can perhaps revisit the question.
If there are few financial ramifications for the person asking, then it becomes about what you can handle. How far apart are the kids? There are challenges to having children close together, but then there are challenges to spacing them out. Try telling a 6-year old they can’t go outside because you’re stuck on the couch nursing, for example.
#2 for us was a surprise. I wasn’t supposed to be fertile at that time of the month. Or, at least, fertility was less likely to be a factor, and we had unprotected sex, obvs. My midwife didn’t believe my date of conception. She was like, “that can’t be. You shouldn’t have been ovulating.” And I was like, get me an ultrasound. Proved me right.
For me, it was that I know I wanted my son to have a sibling. I knew it would be hard, and it is, but it is oh so wonderful. I kind of looked at it as “just get thru two so that they have eachother” but really, I’m loving it. They are 3.5 and 10 months now. I just had a feeling about 2 and I went for it. Best thing we ever did, really.
My husband will be trying for our first (only?) baby in the next few years. I have said for a long time that I only want one, and have finally convinced M. that it’s not such a bad idea. However anytime I mention this to anyone I am met with very strong opinions. I’m disappointed that people feel like it’s ok to be so judgemental! We both have A LOT of student loan debt and grew up in households where financial struggles affected our and our parents’ happiness, and I feel like that is not the way I would want my child(ren) to grow up. That of course isn’t our only reason, but it is definitely a major contributing factor. Anyways that being said, I love this topic and I would love to hear from more people who decided that one was enough!
I like Donna’s analogy. I went through that. I wanted another baby, for sure. But then again, I still HAD a baby already, just not one of the itty bitty variety.
For us, my husband didn’t want to go through IVF again, and with everything we were going through with our son at the time, he didn’t want to add to that, and was OK with being done. I wanted to think about it maybe a year down the road, but didn’t want to close the door completely. I just wasn’t entirely sure. Four days after that discussion, I found out I was pregnant.
She made that decision for us.
We’re debating this right now, and it’s weird territory for me. Our daughter was a poorly timed accident, and although I adore her and love being her mother, pregnancy was a nightmare and first six months were intensely difficult. This ought to make having a second child easier — I already know that I can experience deep ambivalence and regret about having a kid and still be intensely grateful that it happened. But it also means that I’m gun-shy — I remember so vividly how awful the awful times were, and although I’d do it again with far more confidence if it happened by accident, doing it on purpose just feels … strange. I’ve gotten really awesome at wanting the kid I have, but I don’t know what it means to want a kid I don’t have.
My son is 2 months old and my daughter is 3. When younger I always wanted 3. My husband and I both wish we had started having kids a little earlier (I am 35, he is 33) – I never wanted to be an “older” mom but life worked out that way. I always knew we would have at least 2 because we wanted our kids to have a sibling although we have said we would take it one at a time. While pregnant with my son I thought I never wanted to be pregnant again – I have high risk pregnancies and am of “advanced maternal age” as they say in medicine – so I kind of figured that was it. But then on the way home from the hospital we were talking about having a third. Something about having the 2nd has made it feel like a 3rd is sort of missing – or out there waiting or something. Money – or lack of it – is what would keep us from having more, needing a bigger car, and eventually to move since we have a 2 bedroom house (I have never even thought of the child spacing in terms of paying for college like others have mentioned – more just in terms of what we can handle now or what is best for the kids). Like others so many people have said to me how perfect, a boy and a girl, as if having one of each completes a family. I know we don’t need to make this decision for awhile but I do wonder how people make the decision for a third, how it changes things, etc. I guess I just thought I would feel done and am surprised to feel the opposite, to be secretly scheming another pregnancy so soon.
i’m hoping for a second. making the decision is really just keeping my eyes open for young girls of questionable morals who may have gotten themselves knocked up and want to find a way out. Kidding. Sort of :)
After Bud was born, we already knew we wanted another, and likely another after that. And we just didn’t take any active precuation to avoid it happening. That si how you end up with babies who are 19 months apart (and holy hell!) Now that we are in the active “I don’t want to be pregnant” stage, I kind of miss the reckless abandon.
I would love to have this discussion about a potential third child (although I know it could be had about any number)… We are currently wrestling with that. It seems to me that somehow crossing from 2 to 3 kids puts you into a different segment of society – that of the “large family” and people look at you weirdly. Not that I think other people should get any say in your own family’s decisions… But it is amazing how many things just seem to be designed for a family of four.
@Felicia- you think people will think it is strange that you will have 3? i get the “only one” thing CONSTANTLY, so if figured 2 or 3 is more acceptable to strangers who feel the need to comment on your family size :) perhaps anything other than 2 gets comments, though.
Anonymous- I think that’s it: I think anything other than two gets lots of comments. Twins also get comments. Anything considered unusual gets comments. I enjoy the interest, but I know a lot of people get sick of it and take offense at it.
Oh, I want nothing more than a second child. However, I lack the MAN necessary to facilitate the second child. So for now, I’m trying to make my relationship with my first child as good as it can be. I still know (I just KNOW) that by some means, I will have another child someday. Maybe because I’ve always wanted a big family, it doesn’t really cross my mind as much of a decision as it is a given? I understand the need to think it through though. Especially if I end up thinking through the decision to have a second baby on my own.
I think i want another one even though i kind of loathed having a baby.
My kid is 3ish now and is going through a ‘I’m a baby” phase interspersed with a “I’m a big kid” phase. So I’m kind of glad he’s getting to go through that without having the competition of a tiny sibling.
I never wanted any more after I had my first, who was the Worst Baby EVER in the History of Babies, Here or on any other Planet. But we had two more. I don’t even know what to say – how do you decide? It’s so super heavy, right? It’s a PERSON, who is going to live with you forever. I think it’s like any other heart-love thing. You just know?
Umm. *piping up from back row* I would like to maybe know how you decide to have the FIRST one? Donna kind of nailed it: I want a BABY. I am not so sure I want actual kids. (Recently becoming close friends with people who have a 9 year old and a 15 year old confirm this.)
My husband and I like our life the way it is, honestly. Everyone says we would be great parents, we should have kids. But I don’t know. We are both creeping up on 30. I’m kind of afraid that if we do some day decide to do it, we’ll be older parents and/or have problems conceiving or find out we can’t have kids at all and DAMN I kind of just wish I knew either way because this is one hell of a decision to make without being sure either way. It feels like jumping off a cliff blind.
Swistle, I don’t want to hijack your comments, but I guess I’m just wondering if we’re alone in this (uh, you wouldn’t believe some reactions when we say we’re not sure we’re having kids. Which, um, don’t broach that topic if you don’t want an honest reply, RELATIVES AND COWORKERS.) Was anyone else unsure about their first? How did you make your decision? It is all kind of terrifying.
What a good question! I think when you can actively contemplate a second child, that’s a big moment. The first year or so of my son’s life, the very IDEA of any other children felt like a betrayal. It made me very sad to think of having to share him with any other child. But I’ve always known I want at least two kids, maybe three, depending on second child’s personality. I also knew I wanted to wait awhile for said second child, especially since our son came before we were ‘ready on paper’. But now (and my son just turned 3) I enjoy thinking about the next one, and anticipate giving my son a brother (girls happen VERY rarely in my husband’s family). I love the thought of three boys, honestly.
I just believe everyone should ascribe to having children when they feel ready. I personally couldn’t handle ‘2 under 2’ and I didn’t want to ‘get the hard part over with’ as many, many people do around here ( I live in the deep, deep South). I wanted to enjoy my sweet baby, and I want to enjoy the next one!
We said, “We don’t think the time is right for a second child because everything feels very uncertain.” Then I found out I was pregnant a week later.
I highly recommend this method.
We had to wait until our desire for a second child outweighed our horror of one. ;) Our first just turned 3, and we’re finally there. Ah, the sweet amnesia of time, helping us forget those newborn months.
I knew I wanted a second child before the ink was dry on our first child’s adoption finalization paperwork. It took my husband a little longer to come around so we had our second child when our first was five years old. I’m pretty sure that I don’t want a third. Mostly. Kinda. Sometimes.
What I’m trying to decide now is if I want to do another surrogate pregnancy. I’m only four months out from the birth of my last surro-twins so I suppose it’ no big rush to decide but that’s what’s been on my mind lately. Babies, I like to grow them.
i think for us it was just that we didn’t want one which meant that we had to have at least two. i felt bad for my daughter (used to being an only) when i was pregnant but i have known so many lonely onlies that i thought she would thank us in the end. so far, so good!
We agreed before we got married that we wanted two children. Then a difficult pregnancy (hg, pgp) resulted in a nightmarish birth (requiring reparative surgery further down the line), and our baby, while lovely, didn’t sleep through the night until he was fourteen months old.
We seriously considered stopping at one.
But – we asked the only children we knew best amongst our circle of acquaintances for their opinions, and all of them unanimously said ‘If you can give X a sibling, do it.’ They talked about things we’d never considered, like how it felt to deal with a widowed parent with no siblings to ease the pressure.
So, we went for it, and the second pregnancy (while still not much fun) WAS easier, and the cesarean was much better than my previous delivery, and the second baby slept through the night from six weeks old. It has all been so much easier than we thought it would be. It’s as if a part of our family which we never knew was missing has finally showed up.
This comment is for Caitlin—
I am pregnant with my first child. I always knew I wanted children. But no one ever feels 100% ready. I’ll tell you about when I figured it was time to start trying: I would always go through phases of wanting a baby or wanting to be pregnant or wanting to have children, but those feelings would come and go. I would think about how great it would be and how much fun it would be and then reality would strike and I would realize “I’m not ready to give up my freedom” or “I like to sleep too much” and stuff like that. When the thought of wanting to be pregnant came again, in November, I figured the feeling would go away within a week or 2 like usual, but it didn’t. It stuck with me for 7 months without wavering. Soooo, we decided it was time. No, I don’t feel 100% ready and no i don’t know everything i need to know. Yes, I still like my sleep, but I want a child so much more.
One other thing to consider. What do you want your life to look like when you are 50 or 60 or 70 years old? Would you be content going to nieces and nephews homes for holidays? Or do you want a family of your own? Would you regret not having children at that point in your life? You may not be ready now, but you could start thinking about it and reading about it to see if it sparks a desire in your heart.