When I drink, I get cheery and productive. This leads to pleasant surprises in the morning. “What is my brownie pan doing on the stove? Did Paul ‘unload the dishrack’? OH! There are BROWNIES in it!” “OMG, did Paul actually SCRUB THE TOILET??? ….Oh, wait! That was ME!” “Shoot, we don’t have any muffins. OH WAIT WE DO!!” “Wow, CLEAN SHEETS!!” “Wow, CLEAN LITTER BOX!” “Hey, what’s all this neatly folded laundry??” I am a homemaker’s elf!
Now you all totally want to invite me over and ply me with liquor, don’t you? Sadly, this productivity works only in my own house: I have to be able to do the work on auto-pilot. At other people’s houses, I get progressively more useless, eventually unable to figure out how to get more ice without dropping it so it skitters under the fridge.
Two little vents:
1. In the last two days, I have been cut off FOUR TIMES by someone turning in front of me so close I had to put the brakes on HARD to avoid hitting them. The first three times it was close enough that I couldn’t even honk, because I was concentrating too hard on AVOIDING FIERY DEATHS—not only ours, but of the idient (that’s how Henry says “idiot,” usually right before he bites the toy he’s angry at) who turned right in front of us. Yesterday, though, I had time to brake AND honk, and I may have overdone the honk a bit. It wasn’t “Honk, hi, you probably didn’t see me here! Maybe be more careful next time, ‘kay?,” it was “HONNNNNNNNNNK, YOU IDIENNNNNNNNT!!!!!!!!!!” I think I put all four honkportunities into one.
2. Not TOO often, but periodically, I get a Postcrossing card that is NOT A POSTCARD. A notecard, for example, or an index card. I wish for a button that would let me register that I’d received the postcard but that it was NOT A POSTCARD: I don’t want to just not register it, since they DID send me something, but isn’t this like sending a stamp collector a sheet of stickers? Grr. No big deal in the universal scheme of things, but still kind of ANNOYING.
“Idient”–consider that stolen!! That’s a good one. A few weeks ago that happened to me a couple times very close to each other. I took it as a sign I should stay home for a few days, but that was just a mask for my inherent laziness.
I wish I was cheery and productive with drinking. Instead I get slothful and slatternly.
I wish I could get like that when I drink…heck, I wish I could just get a buzz. Maybe I should try and use the many hours I lay awake in bed wishing for sleep to accomplish these things.
ooh, I hate bad drivers but almost NEVER honk. Why I care what the morons think of me, I don’t know.
Don’t know that I’ve heard the word ‘skitters’ in a sentence before. I do believe I’m fond of it.
Oh I hate when that happens via postcrossing, it’s more common around Christmas time. I know you bought your pack of 10 Christmas cards for $1…but that’s hardly fair, I bet they wouldnt want to receive shitty 10c postcards in exchange!
Okay, I feel I should preface this comment by noting that some of my reaction is influenced by the recent troubles of an uncle regarding alcoholism……I am troubled that you don’t remember doing these things. That would scare the hell out of me.
I admit it, I am sometimes guily of sending a card instead of a postcard to postcrossing addresses in the USA. Although I when I do do that I usually send little jewelry trinkets along. Maybe I should knock that off. Though I haven’t post-crossed in a LOOOOONG time. It got ridiculously hard to find them round here.
Are you having to drive through lots of construction zones which apparently turn every other driver in the surrounding area into the Worst Driver Ever? Or is that just me? I’ve had at least as many close-misses as you in the same time period. I’m a honker too :)
Lauren- No, no, I REMEMBER doing them, there’s just that little flicker before I remember. Even with no alcohol, sleeping makes my evening memories dim.
Technically they didn’t send a postcard so you don’t have to mark it as received. And you are so welcome over for a drink anytime you feel that cleaning and baking at your own house is overrated. :)
I get that way, too! Sans the alcohol. If I do any chore after, say, 8pm, I wake up and feel like FAIRIES were in my house.
Ahh.
Maybe I gotta start drinking. ;)
I do that too, without the alcohol. The kitchen is clean! How did that happen? Oh wait, it was me. YAY ME.
I clean and organize while I’m on the phone in my apartment. If I’m sitting down I will do something like doodle or look at the computer, but if I move around my apartment I’ll put away dishes or set out my clothes for tomorrow or clear off the counter or whatever and then I’ll hang up the phone and be like WOAH my apartment is CLEAN!
oof, i do not experience this at ALL. maybe i need to drink *more* for it to work? :-)
if you lived in the Portland area, the stupid,idint driver could have been me. my preferial (sp) got messed up after my brain surgery, so my blind spot is really blind. I have to look in the mirrors, turn my head and try not to hit the car in front of me all while looking out for the person behind me. Honk all you want if you get the chance. if you flip me off….. I will show you that I can do that too. :-)
I must not drink enough…. cuz my house isn’t clean.
I do this too. A little wine makes me clean and tidy and be more productive. And that moment in the morning when you remember you are the elf is so awesome. I used to get a lot of laundry done that way. I seem to be a lot less productive now that I’m pregnant…hmmm.
honkportunities = excellent!
Honkportunities made me snort.
I WISH drinking worked like that on me, alas, it is not even close.
I just got back from a weeks’ vacation to a VERY CLEAN HOUSE and actually called and accused my mother of coming over and cleaning it while I was away, but no -it was me before I left, no drinking involved. Thank me very much!