Last night after the kids went to bed I went to Target by myself. At first it was LOVELY AND PERFECT: driving there in the pretty sunshine all by myself, listening to music; browsing at length in a complicated sale section where decisions had to be made, without having to say, “Could you LET MOMMY CONCENTRATE for JUST A MINUTE??!?”; not having to get snacks or drinks of water for anyone; etc.
Then, though, I started feeling panicky. This has happened the last few times I’ve gone out by myself during the evenings, and what I’d like to know is WTH? I’m strolling along having a perfectly nice time, loading the cart without having to wedge things in around the complaining children, and the next thing is that I start feeling edgy and nervous, and like maybe I should just ditch my cart and go home. The lighting in the store seems all off because it’s getting dark outside, and the employees are doing cleaning-up routines, and WHY AM I EVEN HERE?? I DON’T NEED THIS STUFF! WE CAN DO WITHOUT TOILET PAPER, SURELY!
I had several things I was allegedly panicking “about,” but I think it was like when you’re sleeping and there’s a weird sound and your brain tries to justify it by altering your dream to make it fit. Your brain is all, “Wait, we’re in school, why is an alarm clock going off? That makes no sense,” and so then in your dream you’re still trying to take the test but now the school’s smoke detector is malfunctioning and the teacher is making you keep working on the test anyway.
Anyway, I felt like in Target my brain was thinking, “Wait, we’re just shopping at Target, a store we LOVE, why are we panicking? That makes no sense,” and so then it searched around in the archives for Panicky Subjects I must be trying to access since otherwise why all the complicated emotions over cans of lime-flavored sparkling water? It can’t be the sparkling water, so it must be panic about Rob’s impending trip through adolescence, or about how I’m spending too much money and probably Paul will lose his job and THEN I’ll rue the day I spent $1.24 on a clearanced flower pot!!!
Well, so, I managed not to ditch the cart, but I cut the trip short and went home with my cereal and toilet paper and $1.24 flower pot. The whole way home I still felt all weird and skitty, and my poor brain had to continue scrambling to find some sort of sensible explanation (“Aaaaack, other people’s cars are scary and contain scary people! The young man in that car has Alarming Hair!!”).
I felt better once I got home and made Paul listen to the whole story, complete with vigorous arm movements and rising-pitch/volume voice, but I think perhaps these evening Outings By Myself are not working as therapeutic relaxation.
sounds exactly like a (minor) panic attack. believe me, there needs to be no REASON for panic attacks if you suffer from high anxiety and/or panic disorder. it sucks. i struggled with it MIGHTILY for a period of time, but it was resolved with the help of doctors.
I second what anon said. Were there physical symptoms?
I agree with the previous two posters. My partner gets these attacks and takes anti-anxiety medication for them.
Oh, Swis, I get panic attacks and you are describing the diffuse anxiety that accompanies them. Panic attacks can be managed with behavioral techniques (deep breathing, visualization) or medication if they get too bad. I do both.
Don’t dismiss it just because all it did was cut short a Target run. It’s preventing you from enjoying something you love! That’s worth a trip to the doc, IMO.
delurking to say I don’t have any experience with panic attacks, yet I’ve had a very similar experience at Target, too. I always think it will be so wonderful to shop by myself but then once I’m there I suddenly feel tired and overwhelmed.
Yep. Panic attack. I’ve had them – postpartum, and postpartum-plus-mom-with-cancer – and it SUCKS. Since mine were pretty much biological there for a while, my usual repertoire of behavioral techniques were useless. I took medicine for a few months, until everything else leveled off, and it helped immensely.
Now. Going OFF the medication was … unpleasant, but manageable.
Sometimes these things can be controlled by learned techniques, but there’s no shame in it when there are times when those techniques aren’t good enough.
Long time lurker de-cloaking for a moment to chime in here. I tried to manage my panic attacks by myself for a long time and was amazed when I finally gave in and asked a doctor for medication. The drugs really do make a huge difference!
Panic attack babe. I’ve had many. Especially in stores. I remember the first, I was in WalMart around Christmas time and started bawling when I heard the Christmas music. I take Celexa and it doesn’t always help. I have a small amount of tranquillizers for these moments.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Thanks for sharing.
Young men these days surely do have alarming hair.
But seriously, I’ve had those panicky feelings too. Once I went to the grocery store in the evening, when the kids were babies, and I was like “Why are all these people in nice clothes? Where are all the children and seniors? WHY ARE PEOPLE OUT AFTER FIVE O CLOCK?” I had to come home and have a drink.
Every relationship goes through ups and downs. Just because you and Target are in a lull right now doesn’t mean you have to break up! Just maybe shake things up a little. I don’t know what that means, exactly. Either avoid panic-inducing situations there or figure out how to de-panic them? All these people are saying panic attack and that sounds reasonable to me, but how do you DEAL with a panic attack? What’s the treatment? I need concrete answers, here!
Ooh, sorry this happened, Swistle, sorry it happened in one of your favorite diversion-places. I’m not trained to diagnose, but what you describe sounds like my panic attacks. And oddly enough, the first one happened in a store. I join others in suggesting you seek medical help if it happens again.
I spent about three hours away from the house on a trip to IKEA the other day. Husband and baby stayed home. I adore IKEA and it was miserable. Jittery, queasy, unable to focus. THe drive home was worse. Traffic and an attempt to stop at Chik-fil-a at lunchtime. Awful. It has happened to me at the mall, too. But I hate the mall anyway, so I blamed that.
This sounds exactly like my attacks. This kind is actually specific to late night shopping trips with fluorescent lighting. I end up wandering for sometimes up to two hours, freaking out. Doesn’t happen too often anymore though, but then, I’m medicated!
PS, had to google fluorescent for the spelling. It’s NOT FLOURescent.
Kelly- I felt queasy and adrenaline-y and close to tears. I was weepy and chilly on the way home.
I’ll join the de-lurkers to comment on anxiety attacks: it really sounds exactly like one. You don’t necessarily have to go on meds (although trust me, they can be a life-saver!), because there are a lot of cognitive techniques that can help with minor anxiety (meditation, deep breathing, redirection). But I would seriously urge you to at least talk to your doctor about it. It can’t hurt, and maybe it could help.
And I totally feel the “should I buy the under-$2-flower pot, or is that an extravagant waste?” Of course, then I spend $25 on the perfect backpack for my soon-to-be-kindergartener. Sometimes I’m seriously pound-foolish, penny-wise!
hi, am the original anon from upthread. i just wanted to add that my panic attacks were biological (hormonally triggered) so while some coping techniques help, the real relief came through a combo of meds which i was able to stop taking (slowly) once my hormones were level once again. now i am more aware of my tendancies toward genral anxiety and i am able to use coping techiniques with the very occasional use of short term anti anxiety meds for acute anxiety/panic.
I’ve never had a full blown panic attack (I don’t THINK) but I’ve frequently gotten that way in stores when I went specifically to make myself feel BETTER. All the sudden I sort of freak out over my cart full of non essential, albeit inexpensive, purchases, and wonder why it is that my relaxation mode of choice is always BUYING MORE STUFF AACK THE STUFF IS GOING TO SUFFOCATE ME. And I just kind of dump the stuff and leave. And go eat Wendy’s, because apparently food as comfort is better than stuff as comfort?!
I throw my vote in the panic attack ring, as well. I used to get them a lot. For no particular reason at all. There would be nothing I was particularly worried about, I could be out, or at home sitting in a chair. Celexa helped a lot.
Have the same thing happen to me. Maybe the kids distract me from what’s going on so much that when I’m alone it all comes out. A sick sort of catch22. I feel your pain. Was at Tjay by myself once and noticed I was talking to myself, a lot. Something I never do. Was I compensating for the great silence around me? Sad.
Oh no, this does sound familiar…and I think it would happen to me when I would run errands as a break from studying for bar exams. (And it would take forever too, what with all the angst about how much my shampoo cost!) My heart is pounding just thinking about how it felt, which makes me think the panic/anxiety thing is on target. I really sincerely hope you feel better soon.
Alright. First things first. I can tell you like to really understand stuff so I’m going to recommend a dense but AMAZING book called “Anxiety Disorders and Phobias: A Cognitive Perspective” by Aaron Beck. Go thee to the library if you want to understand what in the heck is going on in your brain and body when you feel all “weird”. It’s that good.
I have a GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and I think there is no shame in it. I used to think there was terrible shame. But the more I understood it, the more techniques I learned that helped me (that and Xanax). For instance, people with anxiety don’t dwell on the past, are excellent in the present but are totally freaked out about the future (ie Paul losing job?) The thing is, if you can remember that once you get to that future place you’ll be in the “present” where you are actually very good. Am I making any sense??? I’ll stop pontificating now, but I just felt compelled to share. I love your blog. Never stop writing! -Monica
It does sound like a panic attack….i have had many; you can email me if you like. I take Effexor and then my doc can also give me pills for when i’m having an actual panic attack – pills that you take only at those times.
They suck though, that’s for sure.
I had a panic attack while I was in college, sitting in the middle of class. It was a class I loved, didn’t have a test or anything. I just started feeling afraid and agitated. During the break I decided to head back to my apartment, which was on the other side of campus. I tried retail therapy by buying a hoody that I’d been eying in the bookstore and when that failed I started my walk. I believe I took some Nyquil to sleep after that.
Shortly after that I went to my doctor who gave me a script for Xanax. It was a extremely low dosage and it was on an “as necessary” basis. It definitely helped. I still have some from time to time, and there is never a reason for me to feel panicked at the time. However, there is always something that is stressing me out happening when they’re frequent.
I’m with all the commenters who have said to see your doctor. They may recommend a counselor. It’s scary to think about talking to a stranger about things, but it did help me out a bit.
Good luck!
I sometimes get a little quiver of that feeling when I am out shopping by myself….without having to deal with the kids. Since I have OCD and GAD, it probably is small panic attacks. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and would almost feel better if I could just moult right there in the store.
Hmm. I don’t know a lot about panic attacks, and maybe it was one, but I think it could be something else: self-sabotage. I say this because I do this to myself every time I get a little “me” time.
What happens for me is that I get SO AFRAID that something will happen to deny me my aline time, that, by some psychiatry snafu, I manage to sabotage it myself–almost every time.
I started to type an example just now, but they’re all pretty embarrassing, so I will just leave it at that: beware the self-sabotage. :)
And by “aline time,” I mean “alone time.” :)
I don’t know if what I have experienced is quite the same but there are random occurances where I’ll just be going about my day and all of a sudden I feel: WORRY! FRET! WORRY! and yet nothing is wrong. I have to actually stop what Im doing to figure out where the overwhelming feeling is coming from. Its generally something like you said (“Robs impending adolescence” ) where its something I shouldn’t rationally be worrying about and yet Im just struck by the feeling and then have to whittle away to figure out the cause. Anyway- I always thought it was just a weird quirk of my own. Its reassuring (comforting?) to know its not just me. Im sorry it wrecked your Target trip though- I always thought Target was a cure for anything! :)
Yes, definitely panic attacks. It’s horrible, because they tend to occur (at least for me) during times when you SHOULD be happy/relaxed. I had one last week when I was rocking my toddler to sleep. Quiet, dark, cool room, snuggling with my daughter, and I’m totally agitated and trying not to throw up. My mom is a psychologist, and she has demanded that I visit my doctor for anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication–I’m super gratified to read that others have dealt with this as well…
I have been doing a lot of research into Adrenal Fatigue because a friend tipped me off that I might have that. Although I haven’t had a panic attack, I did want to link to a video about a dr. who wrote a book about our hormone imbalances and the panic attacks she experienced (which led her to investigate and write the book). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8U1RFWRyso&feature=channel If you watch the video, the side bar will be full of all kinds of other informational videos about AF and lifestyle changes that can help (especially the Progesterone: Cinderella Affect one). Here’s another one that I found when looking for the first one I wanted to suggest: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oaFmKc3ll0
Hoping you find some relief. I know how crazy I have felt over these fague issues and my regular dr. always comes back with “Well, your blood tests are all normal.”
Back again to say that since I left my last comment, I went to camp and experienced my first UTI and my first panic attack! Just prior to leaving, I visited a naturopath dr. who diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and also suggested that my hormones are imbalanced. Good times, no?
I hope you do mention these things to your dr. I think too often we just attribute things to aging, when there is really a physical source to our difficulties.