I’m lying awake fretting about things and re-arguing arguments that happened years ago, and that’s not very productive. So I will get up and put all those things HERE, because THAT will be…oh.
1. You remember my new blue-green leather chair? A cat has been scratching it. There are scratch marks, and there is a small RIP. I feel like patching the leather with someone’s furry PELT. Why do we let ANIMALS live in our HOUSE?
2. It makes me mad when people say they don’t mind what was said, they just mind the WAY it was said—when you know it’s that they actually mind what was said, and that there was NO way it could have been said that would have pleased them. Related point: I had a friend in high school who used to say horrible hurtful things (mostly to her family) and then “apologize” by saying she didn’t regret what she’d said, she just regretted the WAY she’d said it. And I was always listening to these stories appalled, thinking, “Oh dear no, I think you’d also better regret what you said, because ACK.”
3. Or when people say “hurt” when what they actually mean is “mad.” Example: Jen in MI and I had a college roommate who once told us she was “hurt” that we didn’t do our share of cleaning the bathroom on a particular occasion. She was red-faced with fury. (And lest you think we were cleaning slackers ((we had a cleaning CHART)), it was a misunderstanding: I suppose we should have said, “Rather than stand here watching you do your share while we wait to do our share, we’ll go do some studying at the library and then come back and do our share later.”)
4. The claim that every opinion/viewpoint is equally valid and deserves respect. I DO get how/why people can think so, but I think there are certain opinions (racism being the one that springs to mind as most obvious/clear for this example) that don’t deserve respect. That doesn’t mean I get to express my disrespect by burning down someone’s house or whatever, but there is such a thing as appropriate disrespect—and if I’m disrespectful of a point of view, it is with careful and extensive thought, not just “Anyone who doesn’t see it my way is crazy and stupid!” in the manner of my late mother-in-law. I get, though, that it’s pretty much impossible to draw the line between “everyone’s opinion on this issue is equally valid” and “well, only within a certain range of options,” and also that the line is dramatically affected by time and place, and also that it’s impossible to apply this THEORY to widespread PRACTICE (“Here is a list of invalid opinions:”), and that that’s why it’s important to be careful and not go around setting fire to things willy-nilly.
5. The children have been lying to me, which makes me angry even though I realize it’s a normal developmental stage. I remember being genuinely perplexed, even indignant, when my mom told my 4th grade self how hurt and upset she was by the lies I was telling (which, for perspective, were generally about how much candy I’d bought/eaten, as opposed to being about things such as who had been into the liquor or who had pawned the family silver). My feelings were amorphous and unfocused back then, but if I had to spell them out now I’d say they were “But what does it have to do with YOU? I am just trying to EAT MORE SWEETS.” Anyway, I read some book recently that had a section on lying children and that has helped somewhat, but it still makes me nuts when I’m asking something perfectly reasonable such as “Who peed in the bathtub?” and everyone says “Not me!” even though my follow-up would be, “Ah. Well, please use the potty instead” rather than “Ah. Well, go cut your own beatin’ switch.” I get tired of having to be so very careful with my questions to avoid spooking them into lying to me. “Wow,” I say admiringly, spinning my sticky web. “That sure is a big puddle of pee in the bathtub!”
6. It bugs me that the elementary school nags and nags and nags—and does it EVEN-HANDEDLY, so that EVERYONE gets nagged every few weeks about KEEPING YOUR CHILDREN’S LUNCH ACCOUNT BALANCES IN THE POSITIVE ZONE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. My kids now have over $100 each in their lunch accounts, because I keep thinking “What if they mean ME???” And—AND—there is no way to check your child’s balance unless you call the cafeteria and have them look it up for you! No wonder people lose track! (Well, okay, and some people are EXASPERATING FLAKERDOODLES who are MILKING THE SYSTEM. But not EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US needs the flakerdoodle treatment.)
7. Still on the subject of the elementary school, it further bugs me that when I sign up to donate stuff for a bake sale, there are a dozen bulk-email requests and reminders but there’s no bulk-email thank you afterward. I LIKE donating to the bake sale! I LIKE it! But begging and nagging without thanking is ineffective, in terms of morale.
8. I made the children help me clean for awhile this afternoon, and not only was it like herding cats, one of them said, “It’ll just get messy again.” OH RLY. I wonder why THAT will be? In that case, let’s start a daily group cleaning regimen, Mr. Logic!!
All right. I do feel better. I think people who keep diaries are probably people whose mental filing systems need some manual help.
Oh my goodness, this made me laugh (while sympathising!). I don’t remember if I’ve commented on your posts before, but your blog’s top notch.
Nancy
Hilarious! And…what I hate is when someone says something completely rude and then when you are offended/hurt/mad they say something like, “I was only kidding! Lighten up!” or “You are overly sensitive, you need to work on that…” like it is totally ok they are an asshole but you are to blame, you have a personality disorder because you react when people are rude (imagine that)…
We have been going through a lying phase with the 4 year old. So irritating. Luckily, our lunch program is online, we pay online AND it sends me an email when we get below a certain balance. Love it!!! Otherwise we would be the flaky folks.
Tonight I chose to read blogs instead of reading my book and I’m glad I did. Love your thoughts.
I have been having arguments recently where someone will say something horribly offensive, and I will say, ‘yes, but you can only say that because you have X privilege, and have never experienced Y’ and then they go ‘You don’t need to get all divisive about it and it’s not my fault and it’s not as though I go out slaughtering people who are not members of group X and stop taking things so personally!’
My favorite is when I get to take a really horrible thing someone said and then had the gall to follow up with “No offense” and then I get to put it on television (I work in reality TV), and they get to feel like they’re not an asshole, but I (and the rest of the world with me) get to know that they are, indeed, an ass.
LucidKim- YESSSSSS, I’d forgotten about that one!!
Cayt- AAAAAARRRRGGGGGK, yes!!
I have someone who constantly says snippy, bitchy things but immediately follows them up with a “Just Kidding!” {Bright Smile!} My husband suggests we say “You are an Evil, Manipulative Harpy!” JUST KIDDING! {Bright Smile!}
It’s like EVERYONE KNOWS that this person absolutely means what he/she is saying but THAT PERSON makes him/herself feel better about being bitchy by ‘excusing’ it with a JUST KIDDING HAHA.
Manipulative Harpy…heh.
All excellent points!
1. A jerk-face kid in middle school used to insult me, but he’d say “no offense” first. As in, “No offense, Maureen, but EVEN YOU would find this boring,” and then he’d be all indignant when I took offense and say, “But I said ‘No offense!'” Man, I hated middle school.
2. This has nothing to do with your points, but it’s a very interesting story. When William the Conqueror was crowned, the troops outside Westminster Abbey heard the cheers and thought something was wrong, so they set fire to the surrounding village. This kills me. “Something’s wrong! Quick! Set fire to that cottage!”
3. When William the Conqueror died, he lay in state for some time and thus nature worked its magic and he became somewhat filled with gases. So when they tried to shut his coffin he… yes. EXPLODED. I can only assume the troops’ response was to set fire to the surrounding village.
4. I am totally leaving this comment from inside Google Reader because I found the add-on! It’s awesome.
Ah yes, the offensive opinions. Down here in The South, if you say “Bless her/his heart” afterwards, you can get away with saying almost anything! Yeah.
I think you might be reading my late night thoughts.
But you might double check the online lunch account thing–our school district has it and never ever announced it–I only found it after a friend from another district told me about theirs.
I’m going to guess that 90% of the time “no offense” is used, it’s a lie. Offense really is intended but the person doesn’t have to balls to speak his/her mind.
I agree with Devan. We know a friend that was talking about his wife calling someone stupid or something, and he said, “and you know she meant it, because she didn’t even say, ‘bless her heart!’ first.” Ahh, southern life.
A. Swistle, I love you!
B. The lying. Ugh. Yes, I hear you. I wonder if beating them would be MORE effective b/c encouraging honesty for honesty’s sake is a big fat FAIL right now.
C. How, pray tell, do you leave comments from the Google Reader? What is the add-on?
Oh no!! Not the chair!!
Hub is real good for saying “No offense but…” and then saying something completely offensive. Yeah.
Oh the lunch account is such a point of stress for me. Our school just added a service called My Lunch Money where we can view and add to the lunch accounts online. It’s nice. And I am with you on the baked goods. I sent in 4 dozen muffins, all different kinds, for Grandparent’s Day, and nope, not one single thanks. Whatever.
You know what annoys me? When I send in 3 dozen of some crap for some bake sale or party or whatnot, and I get a generic “thanks to all who donated” in the monthly newsletter. The herd mentality nagging/thanking is annoying both ways!
I wrote an angry post about how some opinions aren’t valid maybe a year or so ago. I felt so much better after writing it. But now I feel WORSE again, because there is a RIP! In your chair! Now I’m almost GLAD you didn’t get the purple one.
Maybe you didn’t mean this to be funny, but it was to me. My brain will start doing that when I’m trying to sleep: running through things and arguments from way back when, worries, things that are bothering me… It’s nice to know it happens to more people than just me!
Also? The Lying thing? My five year old is going through that, but I recently found out that she has been LYING when she tells me SHE GOT IN TROUBLE at summer camp/kindergarten preview. I went to talk to the teacher because she was coming home everyday telling me she got in trouble and had to sit out at play time and the lady looked at me like I was nuts. Apparently she’s been behaving quite well! Wha???? I am at a complete loss as to how to approach this one
I am laughing out loud with sympathy and recognition. And I’m reminded of a verse from the bible: “Like a maniac who shoots deadly firebrands and arrows, so is one who deceives a neighbor and says, “I am only joking!” So true!
Leeann- Here it is: Better GReader. It is so great.
My favorite parts:
-“Wow,” I say admiringly, spinning my sticky web. “That sure is a big puddle of pee in the bathtub!”
(Oh, flattery amongst so many boys. You’re a GENIUS.)
-Use of the word Flakerdoodle. Love.
I don’t argue with people in my head at night. Instead I worry the world will end or terrible-yet-basically-impossible things will happen. Benedryl is my friend at least ONE night a week.
Ugh the lying. Drives me bananas.
As to the housecleaning, I think that is the same line of reasoning my husband uses when “putting away” the groceries on the kitchen counter or not making the bed. My response is we are going to use everything in this house again at some point so why bother to put anything away? And if we’re not going to use it again let’s throw it out! At this point he usually realizes he’s hit a nerve (again) and puts stuff away. But why must we do that more than once? Why?? Sigh.
You probably didn’t mean this to be funny, but it is–what a commentary on human nature. My personal choking phrase “Don’t take this personally,” usually followed something VERY personal. Don’t take this personally, but that color isn’t very good on you. How much more personal could it be?
Sorry about the chair.
FLAKERDOODLE! fantastic word. i am adding it to my personal vocabulary asap.
haaaa “it will just get messy again.” i don’t have a specific memory of saying this to my mom, but i am 100% sure i did (probably repeatedly) and i just want to go back in time and offer her some wine now.
Dude. Yes. To all of it.
Jess Loolu- I remember that! That was such a good post.
Misty- I’m okay with the world ending as long as it does it all at once, like BANG, so I don’t even know about it.
Rah- HA HA, YES!! “Nothing personal, but I really think she’s ugly.” “Nothing personal, but he is such an ass.” I do not think that word means what they think it means.
Not everyone’s opinion is equally valid, because some people are just idiots. Objectively idiots.
My children arrive small. I was talking about this with my nine year old daughter, and she said that she feels average now, “just one pinch short.” I said that was how I felt too. Long silence, then, “No offense Mama, but you are more than one pinch short.” I was not offended, and I’m still laughing. What is a “pinch” anyway?
The lying drives me crazy. I’ll take comfort in the idea that it is a normal developmental stage.
Oh, I love the observation by your little one that the house will just get messy again. How did you not die?
Also, I would be endlessly irked by the lack of thank yous from both lunch money police and especially the bake sale folks. A thank you takes no time, is easy, thoughtful, and considerate. It takes less effort than the badgering that preceded it. My goodness.
Oh, and about all things being valid. Eck.
Feelings are valid. Thoughts and beliefs? Um, not really.
This is the icky territory of “tolerance.” Tolerance diminishes actual respect and understanding, and makes it possible to ignore actual hurtful things, thoughts, events. Slippery, dangerous slope that we all need to learn how to climb again.
I blame suburbs for this. Really. But, I digress.
Also, it is so very possible to disagree and still respect a person. You can’t learn this behavior from watching Fox News, however.
Yes, artemisia! Disagreeing and respecting can coexist! Exactly! I’ve done it! WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR PEOPLE?
Also, a boy in my class in fourth grade once said “no offense but you’re really kind of ugly.” TRUE STORY. He is now a sad and unsuccessful person, and I’m ashamed to say I derive a little satisfaction from that.
This TED talk immediately popped to mind when I read your point 4.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/sam_harris_science_can_show_what_s_right.html
Is it the cat that you longed for and posted numerous photos of???? Damn Cat! This is what happens when you allow pets into the home. Kids are bad enough…and if you keep their nails clipped, there is no danger of ruining furniture, unless they pee on it.
Bailey- I would go once a week to hear him talk, sing songs related to the subjects he discusses, and put money in a golden plate to fund outreach programs for the ideas.
Kids have a lying “stage” and it’s before they hit their teen years? Really?!?!?!